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Discussion Forum
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Disabled & Wheelchair JokesGot a joke involving a wheelchair?, then Add it to this jokes area for everyone to enjoy! Warning - Jokes and Humour are subjective, and a joke which one person finds funny, another person may find offensive. Therefore, if you are of a sensitive nature, we would ask you do not look at the jokes below.
Q:\ How do cripples make love? A:\ They rub their crutches together. Cookie <mcooke@bigpond.net.au> Canberra, ACT Australia - Monday, September 12, 2005 at 05:41:41 (BST) Congrats good site! A joke for ya didnt see it on ur list(use it as you like): Why can't Superman fly anymore? Because, he's a Kryponite (he's a crip tonight)! One question; If the world is round, then why isnt everywhere I go down hill? karl. karl <karlwhyte@aol.com> London, UK - Sunday, September 04, 2005 at 12:26:42 (BST) Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve? - A: Christopher Walken :-) Ho Ho Ho! UK - Friday, August 05, 2005 at 14:24:14 (BST) A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of the states interagency planning committee aimed at solving handicap drivers parking dilemmas. "More on handicap drivers at 10 P.M.," he said. My ten-year-old granddaughter Andie looked at me in disbelief. "I didn't know they could call handicapped drivers 'morons' on national television!" she remarked. Marsha in Texas <CripHumor-subscribe@topica.com> Austin, Texas USA - Wednesday, February 23, 2005 at 21:21:10 (GMT) Ann has been a manual wheelchair user for three years now. At eight-and-a-half months very pregnant with twins, she was used to getting nervous glancs from strangers. Ann had never realized just how imposing she was until she and her husband went out to dinner at a new restaurant. He pushed the wheelhair through the restauant to where the hostess sat them at their table. She took a long look at Ann's stomach, and asked, "Would you like me to get a high chair, just in case?" Marsha in Texas <CripHumor-subscribe@topica.com> Austin, Texas USA - Wednesday, February 23, 2005 at 21:18:51 (GMT) You are parked in a space clearly designated for disabled persons. Please circle the statement which best describes your handicap : 1 - I don't read good. 2 - I suffer from terminal laziness. 3 - I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Huh? 4 - My inner child was bugging me for ice cream. 5 - My shoes are too expensive to walk in. 6 - Wheelchair symbol? I thought it was a rocking chair! 7 - My religion forbids acts of common courtesy. 8 - I ignore OTHER laws, why not this one? 9 -I AM disabled... by a painfully swollen ego. Dodgy Jester USA - Wednesday, December 22, 2004 at 14:07:21 (GMT) A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No." "Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?" The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"Dodgy Jester UK - Thursday, December 0 9, 2004 at 08:40:23 (GMT) Q: What do you call a prostitute in a wheel chair? A: Park and Ride ! Dodgy Jester UK - Thursday, December 09, 2004 at 08:37:43 (GMT) Q. What do you tell a woman in a wheelchair? A. Nothing, she's already been told. Don <donv@lionapparel.com> Dayton, Ohio USA - Tuesday, November 16, 2004 at 20:35:19 (GMT) Q: What's the definition of the word "Tight"? A: Planting a bomb under somone in a wheelchair, putting their brakes on, and saying "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE"! Amanda <dead_squirtle@hotmail.com> Huddersfield, West Yorkshire UK - Monday, November 15, 2004 at 18:57:14 (GMT) A bloke is showing two young American girls around London and they come to a Pelican crossing. He presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes 'bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep....' 'Whats that for?' asked one of the girls. 'Oh thats just to let the blind know that the lights have changed' said the bloke. 'My Gaad' she said, really shocked, 'in the States we don't even let them drive...' John <John.Harmar-Smith@ntlworld.com> London, UK - Monday, October 18, 2004 at 08:23:34 (BST) Q:\ How do you know when a cabbage is boiled?? A:\ The wheelchair floats to the top lazyboy <lazyboy100183@yahoo.com> birmingham, west midlands UK - Thursday, September 30, 2004 at 14:08:38 (BST) 1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? 2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? 3. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box? 4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose? 5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through teller machines? 6. How did a fool and his money GET together? 7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan? 8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? 10. What's another word for thesaurus? 11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? 12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam? 13. Why is abbreviation such a long word? 14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? 15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes? 17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn? 19. Does fuzzy logic tickle? 20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? 21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics? 22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? 23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? 24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? 25. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping? 28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic? 29. Is it possible to be totally partial? 30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? 31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? 32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound? 33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? 36. Should vegitarians eat animal crackers? 37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? 38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? 39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds? 40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there? 41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird!"What's another word for synonym? 42. So what's the speed of dark? 43. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? 44. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? 45. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? 46. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? 47. Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!" Me, of course !!! MI USA - Sunday, September 05, 2004 at 19:14:20 (BST) What's the hardest thing about eating vegetables? The Wheelchair. fourwheelfire <fourwheelfire@hotmail.com> BC Canada - Friday, September 03, 2004 at 01:59:59 (BST) what do you call an epeleptic in a bush? Russell georgina <georgina_bushnell@hotmail.com> UK - Sunday, August 29, 2004 at 09:50:12 (BST) Q. What do you call a person in a wheelchair with a rope around him? Ans. "Pull Toy" Q. What do you call a person in a wheelchair with a child on his lap? Ans. Amusement Ride Two vultures sitting in a tree. One vulture sees a man in a wheelchair going down a hill. He taps the other vulture and says " Say, look Fred........ Meals on Wheels" Frank Thomas <kusoyon@comcast.net> Muskegon, MI United States - Tuesday, July 06, 2004 at 16:59:04 (BST) Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!! CyberQuad <brian@ottawa.ca> Ottawa, ON CA - Friday, May 21, 2004 at 18:11:41 (BST) I'm gonna roll over the next Do-Gooder who drops dirty coins into my mug of cafe latte! John Smith NYC, USA - Saturday, May 15, 2004 at 10:37:00 (BST) You Might Be A Handicapped Redneck If,,,, * Any part of your wheelchair is painted cameo. A little girl asked her mum, Õ”Mummy, why do you always call me petal?Õå And she replied, ÕÎBecause when you were born a petal landed on your headÕå. The little boy asked his mum why She calls him fly. She answered, Õ”Because when you were born a fly landed on your headÕ¨. Her third child came up to her and sed, ÕÎajsdhbjsbfahsdgfasrjngafbghj lajshgjhasbvjsnj ashggdflkasdgjfdsÕå And the Mum replies, ÕÎSHUTUP FRIDGE!Õå Anne <hermione221@hotmail.com> Aus - Saturday, May 01, 2004 at 16:31:05 (BST) Why did the disabled man get washed in the kitchen sink? Because thats were you are meant to wash vegtables! J Y White <dumass> belfast, UK - Thursday, March 25, 2004 at 15:45:27 (GMT) why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms Harry <haryherbert2"hotmail.com> Brighton, UK - Tuesday, March 09, 2004 at 09:29:53 (GMT)
A guy in a bar was telling a few jokes to his friends. There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." "Yes, but are you good in bed?" "How do you think I rang the doorbell?" Yo Ho Ho! UK - Tuesday, September 16, 2003 at 14:31:45 (BST) There was a man who got into a car accident. He was soon rushed to the hospital. The left side of his body was completely paralyzed. The doctor said, "He was going to be all right." Yo Ho Ho! UK - Tuesday, September 16, 2003 at 14:30:49 (BST) Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me" Yo Ho Ho! UK - Tuesday, September 16, 2003 at 14:30:20 (BST) An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother." Yo Ho Ho! UK - Tuesday, September 16, 2003 at 14:29:59 (BST) A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again." Yo Ho Ho! UK - Tuesday, September 16, 2003 at 14:29:38 (BST) One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward. The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari. The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not disabled." The boy replied,"I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved." Yo Ho Ho! UK - Tuesday, September 16, 2003 at 14:29:18 (BST) One day a man is walking along the beach and sees a quadriplegic girl on the boardwalk, sitting in her wheelchair and crying. He decides to be a good samaritan and asks her what's wrong. She replies sadly, "I've never been hugged." So he hugs the girl, which seems to cheer her up and he continues on his way. The next day he sees the girl again, still sitting on the boardwalk and crying, so he asks her what's wrong and she replies, "I've never been kissed." So, he kisses the girl dutifully and goes on his way. The following day, he passes her again, and once again, she's crying and he asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I've never been screwed." So, the man wheels her down the boardwalk, pushes her off the pier and says, "Now, you're screweed!" Yo Ho Ho! UK - Tuesday, September 16, 2003 at 14:28:58 (BST) Three men heard rumors of a mountaintop where God came down to solve people's problems. So they all went to the mountain. The first man was deaf and God asked him, ''Can I help you, son?'' The man started signing in sign language that he would be so happy if only he could hear. So God touched the man and suddenly he could hear. God then asked the second man, who was blind, ''What can I do for you, my son?'' The second man said, ''Oh God, if I could only see I would be so happy.'' So God touched him and the man was able to see. Meanwhile, the third man was sitting in his wheelchair with his mouth wide open in amazement. God looked at the man and asked him what he wanted. The man pushed his chair back and yelled, ''Don't lay one finger on me, God, I am on total disability!'' Yo Ho Ho! UK - Tuesday, September 16, 2003 at 14:28:15 (BST) So there is the tower with a bell at the top that this priest rings every day at 6 o'clock. But the priest is getting old, so he runs a newspaper ad: "Bell Ringer Wanted". Well, only one guy answers the ad; a quadrapelgic in a wheelchair. The priest says, "I don't think you are the man for the job." But the quadraplegic says, "Just get me up there, I can do it." "Well, no one else applied, so the job is yours." So at 6 o'clock the man is up there in his wheelchair. He wheels over to the bell and slams into with his face, ringing the bell. He backs up and starts wheeling over there again, veers off to the left, falls out of the tower and he's dead. A group of townsfolk gather 'round, and one of them asks, "does anyone know who this guy is?" The priest says, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!" So there is still no one to ring the bell. The priest runs his ad again, and again only one guy applies. Another quadraplegic, brother of the first guy who had the job. "Things didn't work out so well with your brother," said the priest. "Anything my brother could do I can do better," said the applicant. "Well, no one else applied, so the job is yours." At 6 o'clock, the man is up in the tower in his wheelchair. He wheels over to the bell, slams into it with his face, and rings it. He backs up, wheels over again, veers off to the right, falls out of the tower, and he is dead. Again the townsfolk gather. "Does anyone know who this guy is?" The priest says, "well, I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!" Yo Ho Ho! UK - Tuesday, September 16, 2003 at 12:13:41 (BST)
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