Was Your Partner Already Sci When You Met?, That makes it easier ...right?? Options

[jwheelz81]

Presumably lets turn the question upside down.....

Does anyone judge a person with sci that have a AB partner. Do we know what we get? But to me a bit of mistery is always very stimulating lol....

my wife met me 10 yrs after my accident (t12) obviously she new there were gonna b somethings that werent gonna b like a reg relationship. But did she know what 2 expect .....not at all but i gradually let her in on things that would or could happen, my situation is ....well my situation so its gonna b different. i can do pretty much everything for myself besides when one of my friends think its funny to pute something i want on top of the fridge..(asses)..lol. She is amazing and totally dedicated to our relationship no matter what..before sci or after, easier or harder i cant say it all depends on the people in the relationship...hope that helps! stay happy

[tawyna]

I met my boyfriend 20 years post injury, and I'll say it flat-out: I think I have it a LOT easier than a spouse/partner who has had to go through the trauma and period of adjustment with their partner and learning how to live their life in a whole new way. No relationship is "easy," and no you never do know what you're going to get (hell my first marriage went up in flames). This has been, by FAR, the EASIEST relationship I have ever had (and the happiest). If anyone has had it hard, I'd say it's him, dealing with all of my divorce drama and my moody 8 year old daughter (hehehe). All of the "challenges" we have are the normal, "relationship-y" kind of things, and even those are minimal (especially compared to my past relationship disasters) but that's due to our personalities being such a perfect match. I definitely think that as much any any relationship can be easier than another, meeting someone and starting a relationship post-injury is definitely easier than going through with your partner.

Tara

my boyfriend has been in a wheel chair for 30 yrs but he is just 34 . he got hit by a car when he was 4 . i met him 11 yrs ago . honestly i did not even think about a wheel chair when i met him his heart was so big thats what i noticed and still do. i worry about some of his health problems but i knew what i was getting into and love the ground he wheels on lol

[buff]

honestly i think it has to be easier if you met them after the injury. think about the questions on their minds all the time if they got hurt after. they would constantly be wondering if you were with them out of obligation. you know why you are there, but if the roles were reveresed don't you think you would constantly wonder if they were there out of obligation? and if they would be happier with somebody else since you didn't exactly "sign up" for that? i know it says for better or worse but just think about how you would feel being the one that got hurt. that question is a given. yeah its easier to know them post injury. not that knowing them after doesn't come with its share of problems but doesn't every marriage? sure it seems like the problems are cause of his injuries but if it wasn't it would be something else. its a relationship, you always have challenges. i have dated able men before and let me tell you you never know what you are getting into. the moment you move in together or get married as time goes on you are like "how did i not see this coming" you either work through it or you don't. however this is just one hard hurtle that you have already crossed. knowing that you want to be with them and their disablitly and them trusting why you are there. i consider myself lucky. i don't know how i would have not fallen apart myself to have been there during the injury. i have seen picture and it breaks my heart everytime. not because he is now in a chair but because i can see the pain he was going through and his family in the pictures all the "not knowing" what was to come if he was going to make it or not, the way this would change him,etc. getting together post injury i think really helps give him piece of mind on why i am here.

This post has been edited by buff: Jul 12 2009, 03:01 PM

[krazykrippledkra...]

I met my gf at the nursing home that i was at for rehab! we've been together for a year so far. my accident happened 3yrs ago. i love that girl so much its rediculous!

[Yasko]

My wife met me 4 yrs after my injury and this year we have celebrated our 10th marriage anniversary. She is a great women, love of my life, and I have realized a some time ago that each day/year our love for each other is just keeps getting stronger. She has always had a lot of support from her family, and I believe that they even admire and respect her more for being married to me! There is no day without affection kiss and warm hug and night without falling in sleep in each other arms; still after 10 years! I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
Before:



and now:





This post has been edited by Yasko: Jul 15 2009, 06:06 PM

[MaggieT]

just reading the post(s) here
when i met rob, i didn't see the chair, i seen a guy that stole my heart with a simple hello, and even to this day, if someone is looking at us for a longer then wanted amount of time, i tend to forget that they are looking at the fact that he is in a chair, and i just go on thinking that the person was a freak!! lol
i didn't and still don't think of it as getting into anything, others around me do and my mother was the one person that said as (rude of a bitch she is) "what the hell do you want with a man that can't walk or get it up" that hurt a lot, i no longer talk with my mother, another long story, i think that if you love them and are oh so happy like we are, then none of that metters, let things happen when they happen, don't think about it and don't worry about it, we live each day as it comes, some days are hard but once passed a new one is one us and the sun shines again!!
this was a good topic to start,
thanks!

[blue eyes]

to say that anyone knows what they are "getting into" is silly. you can be with an AB person and find out a year after dating them that they are a complete wack job. the only thing you know you are "getting into" when starting to date someone in a chair is that....that can't walk. that's pretty much it. you don't know how they take care of themselves, how much you are going to have to help out, how far their medical diagnosis goes, etc. you learn new things about a person everyday whether they be AB or not.

as far as who has it easier...someone with a person before the SCI didn't choose to start dating someone who was already in a chair, it happened and only the strong relationships survive (my bf's ex couldn't deal with the caregiver/gf role.). someone who met the person after the SCI decided they are going to see past the chair and take whatever comes their way because they want to be with that person. in the end though we both love our partners and would jump through hoops to be with them.

[Jana09]

I was feeling cross with my mother last night. I was talking about my amazing new man (T4 complete) and telling her
how happy he makes me after all the losers I'd been with (and I've spent YEARS with the wrong men). She said, yes I'm
so pleased for you, you so deserve to be with someone worthy of you BUT what a shame he's in a chair, it must make
it so hard for you, I wish you could find someone who didn't have any problems!

I took a deep breath and told her in the politest terms I could muster, how offensive I found her comments. She isn't a stupid
woman, far from it, but can be breathtakingly insensitive at times. Reading this thread has made me realise how our friends
and family either need ignoring or educating (preferably) and how you shouldn't take too much notice of them....Anyway, going
back to the original poster, I think it would be far easier to meet someone post-injury. My man had his accident 10 years ago
and is the finest, most capable and all-round beautiful guy I've ever met. I've only known him a month and already know that
this is something very special indeed. Of course, if I'd met him before I would have been there for him 100% but it would have
been much more difficult. Either way though, if they're the right person in the first place, ultimately it probably doesn't matter.

[SoliK]

I've only been dated this man (t6) for about a month but we have connected in a very special way that I have never had with anyone else. He is a beautiful and wonderful soul who just gets me. I think I've mention in my very first post that when I talk to him..I get so caught up in our conversations..(and his pretty eyes) that I sometimes forget he's in a wheelchair. I have been pleased with how happy and supportive my friends are for me. My mom however has been a little iffy. When I first told her about him she said he sounded nice...and now that our relationship is really starting to develop into something special she told me that maybe I should just be friends with him. I can understand her concern, but he gets around really well and has a very successful career. I know that it won't always be easy, but I am willing to try and see where this goes just like with any other relationship..One thing is for sure..this man is a true gentleman and I love being with him.. and hopefully my mom will be happy for me too.

[snowqueeneh]

We are 10 months into his injury. I cannot stop thinking of all the wonderful times we had together. It's like a movie that plays in my mind over and over. I am obviously "greiving" the for our loss. I think it is harder for couples who met pre injury. We had a totally different life at one time. It is so hurtful to constantly remember that past.

On the other hand... I am not saying that people know what they are getting into post injury. In fact I don't think they really could comprehend it all. I can imagine what that would be like because I have now met so many attractive, smart, funny, men in chairs since this happened to my man. You would think "So he's in a chair - big deal" but you wouldn't know all the care that is involved in getting him up in that chair. However, I do see the attraction. I often find them attractive because they are so strong and in control of their disability. So - in a way - it's the strengh & independance that really makes up a lot of the attraction.

We "pre injury" couples never had the chance to meet our men in that way, but we can support them till they get to that point.

[Tony2gunsgal]

[font="Comic Sans MS"][/font]

I can't tell u how happy I am to have found this site and this discussion. I have fallen deeply in luv with the most wonderful man ever. We began our relationship over the net and it took awhile for him to confide in me about his injuries. The fear he felt in telling me must have been overwhelming because he has had others run from him. We have our obstacles that we are working to overcome, but i dont see this as one of them. We have yet to meet face2face and he is nervous (I am too because I hope he likes what he sees too, lol). After reading ur posts i understand there is nothing i can do to reassure him right now other than give him my love. I also politely informed him that although i have been educating myself i am aware there will be things i dont expect, but there are issues with taking me on too. I have also wondered what reaction i might get as i am leaving a husband of 13 years (would be even without this new relationship). I guess this will let me know the true colors of the people around me...because I am so very happy now and can't imagine not having him in my life. <3

[Pwuff]

So is it "easier" for those of us who meet our partner after they are injured?

No. Just different.

I can relate to what kdenon01 said about being with someone when they are injured and going through ICU/hospital/rehab. Sitting with someone you love through all of that is awful, no matter whether it's SCI or something else.

We had been together about a year when he had his accident, but known each other for a couple of years before that. We were both in our 30s and had been partnered before with other people.

I think part of our difficulties have been the "can't teach old dogs new tricks" factor. I honestly believe that it would have been easier for my partner to adjust if he'd been younger. As it was, he'd had 20y of active adulthood before becoming a completely dependent high level quad.

Even though I knew my partner and had been VERY well educated through hospital and rehab (to the point where many staff who met me thought I was medically trained), I still had NO IDEA what I was getting into when we came back to the community. And to some extent, I have been so busy doing all that for many years that I haven't even had time or emotional energy to stop and reflect on it.

I absolutly agree with everything you say.Ihave done so much reserch since my husbands accident
and argued with the medical profesions proving them wrong.We have had to fight for every thing,without the backup of friends and family.
I feel sadder more now we are older (both60 this year)and worry about the future.

Dear Lady= sooner or later all of us feel sad at being older. Woe to us suffering from the human condition. see post below.

[Pwuff]

All,

This is an inevitable question for people to ask. A good friend of 40 years wondered how my partner is coping with my disability "since he had not signed on for this". This friend is married for 30 years to a woman with MS, but it was known at the beginning. We do sign on "for better or worse", and when the worst comes some rise to the occasion and some do not.

My spouse and I are a December romance, having gotten together at 50. He had rheumatoid arthritis as a kid and all his ankle and wrist joints are fused or limited, plus one limited ROM elbow. By anyone's estimation who knows him well he is "handicapped". I had lived a very active and well-coordinated life and got a bit of pleasure knowing I could "take care of him" should his arthritis get significantly worse. Instead I am the one in the wheelchair and he the caretaker.

I have fished for information to know if he resents our present situation but come up empty. he is just glad I'm still here. Don was never one to think much about the future. Consequently, it doesn't occur to him to feel trapped with me (until my death, one assumes), but he will occasionally be impatient with my demands on a given day.

Don told me of his reaction when he understood that I was paralyzed and might well stay that way. As fate will laugh at us, my accident occurred on our third wedding anniversary. On his second trip over to the hospital he pulled to the side of the road for a good cry (that's about five minutes for a guy) then thought this: "I've been self-absorbed for much of my life. The universe offers me this opportunity to devote myself to taking care of someone else. I will do it as best I may". He tells me that he prayed every night for the first month, until it became clear that I would survive.

Don was my rock in a deep current all the while I was hospitalized. He showed up twice most days to repeat the mantra, "Everything will be OK." He changed my diapers and bathed me when my caretaker had weekends off. He took it one day at a time.

Honestly, while I would have told you I could not move, and intellectually I know what the word paralyzed means, I could not understand what had happened for 5 or 6 months. I kept asking my rehab person things like "Why can't I sit up straight?" Maybe they thought I was nuts, but they never answered.

My Doctor at the first rehab unit (a dunce, by nature) was convinced I would never get much function and asked me to get an electric chair that stands you up. I knew he was wrong and argued for all I was worth until my OT guy commandeered a chair for me and taped push rods on it so I could prove I could push. That finally shut up the Doctor. I just kept listening to the voice in my head that said, "Everything will be OK."

Now we are 17 months from the accident. I can walk a few hundred feet if I have to, I can climb stairs, though since I suffer ulnar nerve damage from using a cane I now scoot up on my butt. I stand at the sink and do dishes because I need to spend time standing. I LOVE that I can go to a party and stand myself against a wall to talk to ABs at eye-level.

I can do enough that Don seems to forget sometimes that I might need help when I'm tired, but he gets tired too. He gets tired from endless threading about F-1 racing, or John Cooper Minis, or most anything that is part of motor sports- his self-absorbed activities. He forgets he decided to devote himself to taking care of me, and often that is a good thing, for without the demand I would do less. I decided to quit nagging him when he procrastinates... but I nag sometimes. We are each woefully human.

About the fear of getting older- it certainly gets more intense when the loss of ability is real rather than imagined. Don and I will run out of money at some point. Cr*p and panic. I have a UTI now that eats antibiotics like they were candy, and if I don't get ahead of it soon I will be racing to do paperwork before it is too late. Something will take me someday, and it will never seem like a good time. It is scary, and that is the nature of old age. She who fights with God loses.

[hopelesslydevote...]

My partner was already hurt when I met him about 4 years ago and at the time he had been hurt for 2 years prior to when I met him. It wasnt hard for me b/c I knew that there would be serious limitations. But now that we've been married for 2 years and have a baby coming on the way Im realizing that things can be very difficult. I may be very emotional right now with all the hormones and stuff but sometimes i find myself thinking about all the things we will miss out on as a family and it does get sad smetimes. And there are a couple people in my life that say things that make me feel like Im weird for loving someone in a chair, which is just annoying! I never regret any of the choices Iv made, with that I love my husband dearly. I cant decifer whether this is regular marital problems or if its a disabilty problem. But more and more my husband is becoming distant from me, I sometimes wonder if he's lost some love for me. For his lack of affection (which has always been lacking) is starting to make me feel unloved. I wonder if him being the smart and analytical type thinks more of our relationship as a business agreement and not a loving supportive bond. Sometimes it feels like our relationship is a roller coaster. Sometimes were happy and everything is normal and then others were fighting and theres problems. I guess I just need someone to talk to. thanks

[kel80]

I think that it can be hard for anyone in this type of situation. Then if you know them before or after. Just all depends on the people and what is going on in your life. When I met my fiancé about 14 months ago, he was already in a chair, he has been in a chair since he was 2 year old and he is 37 now. I am very blessed both in my relationship and in my family. My family has supported me from the start and love him just as if he was their son. For the past 10 months he has been battling a bed sore, after 3 surgeries and another one to come we are still going. Some of our plans for the future have been placed on hold but I know that we will get through this and be even stronger when the bed sore is healed. I don't feel that I have it harder than others when it comes to knowing him after he has been in a chair then before. I feel that it is just different. Just as any other relationship. I may not know what the future holds and where we will be in 5 years but I do know that he is the most amazing and wonderful man I have ever met and I thank god every night that he is in my life.

[SoliK]

My partner was already hurt when I met him about 4 years ago and at the time he had been hurt for 2 years prior to when I met him. It wasnt hard for me b/c I knew that there would be serious limitations. But now that we've been married for 2 years and have a baby coming on the way Im realizing that things can be very difficult. I may be very emotional right now with all the hormones and stuff but sometimes i find myself thinking about all the things we will miss out on as a family and it does get sad smetimes. And there are a couple people in my life that say things that make me feel like Im weird for loving someone in a chair, which is just annoying! I never regret any of the choices Iv made, with that I love my husband dearly. I cant decifer whether this is regular marital problems or if its a disabilty problem. But more and more my husband is becoming distant from me, I sometimes wonder if he's lost some love for me. For his lack of affection (which has always been lacking) is starting to make me feel unloved. I wonder if him being the smart and analytical type thinks more of our relationship as a business agreement and not a loving supportive bond. Sometimes it feels like our relationship is a roller coaster. Sometimes were happy and everything is normal and then others were fighting and theres problems. I guess I just need someone to talk to. thanks

Thank you for sharing this. I'm so new in my relationship that I'm caught up in all the "new love" feelings. The truth of the matter is that I love being with this man. He's been in a chair for years and is very abled. He never let what happened to him stop him from achieving his goals. Still..I know that as this heads into something more serious that things won't always be easy. Sometimes little doubts enter my mind but I also know that with good communication we can solve things together. He is smart and analytical as well and sometimes that does worry me. He did tell me he doesn't want to be lonely...so I hope that he really wants to be with me because he likes me..not because he wants someone to fill the void. I think that would be heartbreaking to me, because I really am falling for him. I'm just hoping things will work out for the best.

This post has been edited by SoliK: Oct 31 2009, 10:33 PM

[xiamenmom]

My partner and I met 5 months ago, and it is 21 years post-SCI for him. I can tell you that his disability is far easier to work with/around than the fact that I have two kids and he's never been a parent. So it is really a matter of perspective as to what the "big" things in a relationship are.
Ours has been a long distance relationship - I'm in MI and he's in CA - and one thing I think is really important is to be sure that you spend extended amounts of time together to make sure you are ready to deal w/ some of the differences that a disability imposes on life. I get up and out of the house in under 30 minutes - he can't get ready in under 2 hours because it takes him longer to do most things. That's OK with me, but if I were an impatient person, it might make me nuts over the long haul. I know I physically do more stuff than he does in our relationship - carrying up groceries, etc... because of practicality, and since I'm a single mom and used to do things myself, it just feels normal to me. But someone else might resent that. And those are things you can't find out and work out long distance.
As far as it being easier post or pre SCI, I don't know. I do know this past week has been the 21 anniversary of his injury and it has been a tough week for him emotionally. And it has been hard on me seeing what the reminder of the experience does to him. In some ways I'm thankful that I didn't have to see him actually going through that, but then knowing he was alone through it makes me wish I could have been there for him. So I don't know if either way is easier or better, just different. The bottom line is simply to be thankful that you are there for one another now, and hopefully through the years to come.

[newwife08]

My husband, of just over a year. has been an SCI his whole life. His spinal cord was severed during his birth. (he was breech and twisted in the birth canal) So, he doesn't have any other sense of what it's like to be AB.
We met on the internet and after emailing and talking on the phone for a few weeks, we decided to go ut for dinner. I hadn't ever been around anyone in a chair before and had no idea what to expect. However; since we had talked so much prior to meeting, I felt at is if I already knew him! That connection that you look for with someone was already there.
I will put my two cents in and say that I do think it is easier (in some ways) to meet someone post injury. Since being together for 3 years, he has gone through 2 major surgeries and I don't wish that one anyone. The first surgery was last year when he had to have a spinal fusion. With this fusion, he lost all bending/movement in his spine (except for his neck) He was in the hospital for almost 4 months and that was so difficult. Having to deal with all the issues of pain and infection was hard enough. I can't imagine having to go through all the feelings and issues with a new SCI.
However, I don't think that you can really say what will happen in any relationship. Lives change, feelings change, people in general....change. Nothing in life is certain and I have to remind myself of that. You will never know what tomorrow might bring. Good or bad. So, just live for today.

[luvmyc5]

Me and my guy met a few months ago and he has been a C5 for 2 yrs now.