I'm 47, c4,5,6, with four teenagers. Our daughter is 14, the boys are 16,18 and 20 in June. I've been disabled for 9yrs, they were 5,7,,9,11 at the time. Naturally it was hard on them and on myself, the whole family. I had to learn how to be a mother to them but in a wheelchair. I wanted so very much to continue being the same mom to them with my limitations. I read to them when they were younger even 'tucked' them in, checked homework, made sure they brushed their teeth. Went to the boys football/baseball games and our daughter's soccer game, still do, no different then when I was walking.

Now they're teenagers, I'll rent them out, anyone interested? They are good children in that they haven't gotten into bad stuff. I was the one that talked to them about sex and other topics, wanted them to feel like they could talk to me. They have come to me for advice and shared things with me, the boys have at times told me more than I'd want to know. They're open and honest. Having a daughter is great, I hope as she gets older we'll continue to be close, but I'm not the center of their world anymore. I compare them with my friends' teenagers and mine are no different. Our youngest son started experimenting with alcohol at age 14, he was rebellious and defiant unlike his 2 older brothers. With counseling he is now better to get along with and chooses to stay home on weekends, tells me he doesn't want to go to parties. His friends come over now and then, hang out in the backyard and come in. Our 18yr. old is going away to San Diego State, it'll be hard for me. I don't get as many hugs and kisses from the boys and 2 older ones are always busy, the 16 yr. old plays his xbox, talks on the phone. We do at times watch a movie together at home and even have civilized conversations.

Please tell me that it is normal for them to have broken the umbilical cord as the saying goes. I do end up feeling guilty for being in a wheelchair and sometimes apologize for having gotten mad. They raise their voices, get mad at me or complain about helping me, such things like that. On the other hand there are occasions when they'll help or be there for me. I miss the TLC and closeness. It's been difficult being a mother of teenagers as a SCI., I've learned alot, no hovering Will welcome any input and would be happy to help other parents out. Is there anyone out there with teens., or been through it? Thank you.

I don't have any advice as I feel I'm in the same boat as you. I have a 14 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. They are helpful most of the time. They do not treat me different than if I was not in the chair. I am thankful that they are not babies and are able to do things for themselves. I can still nag from the chair LOL. I do enjoy the talks at night with my son and the reading and cuddles in bed with my daughter. I know that one day they will be too busy for it and I will miss it. I still help with homework, go to all their hockey games etc. I do miss stand up hugs, camping and outdoor activities we used to enjoy together. I know that I am blessed with a caring husband, great kids and a loving church family, and that gets me through each day!!

Well Im no parent, probably more child-like.. but I just thought I would pop in to say something in response to these two lines;
" I do end up feeling guilty for being in a wheelchair and sometimes apologize for having gotten mad. They raise their voices, get mad at me or complain about helping me, such things like that. "

You definitely should not feel guilty for being in that chair. You sound like a wonderful mother and honestly kids are going to bitch about doing chores no matter how well mannered they are. I dont think that has much to do with your disability. In most cases, even if there isnt a chair they'd be expected to help out, and they would still complain.

Stop the guilt, you don't deserve it!

Eileen, I think Ches is right.........stop the guilt.

I always say, "guilt is for catholics".............of course, I'm a recovering catholic.
Your complaints sound like my AB friends who are parents of teens similar in age. I think too that with teens, they often push to see how far or how much they can get away with. Hold your ground on some things........pick your battles. But hang in there. You sound like a caring, loving mom.
~Rebecca

How's that recovery coming along Rebecca? You always make me laugh.

Eileen ~ I feel for you. I met my stepchildren before they became teenagers. Oh how fun they were and always got hugs and kisses. My step daughter was my little shadow and followed me everywhere and would always want to go with me no matter where I was going. Anytime my step son would smile at me, I'd find myself cooking something he would devour in seconds. All four of us would sit on the sofa and snuggle up as we watched scary movies in the dark and sometimes we'd all fall asleep on the floor together.

My stepchildren were moved 250 miles away. They lived with their mother and step father who took a transfer for his job. A few years passed and both kids were in their teenaged years. Little by little the sweetness seemed to get mixed with bitterness, especially b/c there was a court order for them to visit during specific times. That didn't last long. My husband (my boyfriend at that time) and I were very hurt when they just started coming whenever they wanted, which was rarely ever. We never got them on holidays. Most years we'd celebrate Christmas well into January.

We just made the most of the times we did have with them. Of course with me around, they didn't have to do much for their dad, but my step son in particular was so lazy and griped the most if he had to do something. My step daughter and I are only 14 years apart, so she and I always felt like mother/daughter, sisters, friends. When thier father and I did finally marry, I asked if we could bring them with us to Hawaii as best man and maid of honor. We had the best time and I actually spent more time with my step daughter than I did my new husband. This was around the time she would tell me everything about what was going on in her life.

This summer they will be 31 and 29. They both have children and we really aren't that close right now. During their mid 20s we had our ups and downs with both of them. Some of it probably has to do with the distance. In 2002 we moved 1500 miles west to Arizona. I think they're having a difficult time dealing with the fact my husband and I are living on our terms now.

Eileen, you really do seem like a wonderful mother and you have no reason to feel guilty. You've done everything a mother would do for her children. Children go through phases and you'll probably always find yourself putting up with things you'd rather not. But one thing for sure . . . the love is always still there. You have to know your children will always love you no matter what kind of mood they are feeling. Just hang in there. It's not all bad. If you go through a day without wanting to bop them on the head, you're doing fantastically well.

I wish you all the best ~ Hapa

Thanks Ches for your advice. If anyone is good at feeling guilty about stuff it's. I've dealt with that on and off my whole life, but that's a diff. subject. My 'walking' friends have the same prob., re helping around, bitching like you put it. I was so diff as a teenager, but we're not all the same. What do you say to this: most of the times the boys don't say good morning to me or might walk by me say nothing as if I'm invicible. Last I checked I'm not dead yet, lol.

I'm happy for you norma, sounds great, we should've stuck to 2 kids, 3yrs. apart. That's what I tell myself on those sad days. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they're independent, I do hugs/kisses from the boys now and then. I do get slightly jealous but grateful at the same time, when their friends moms would drive the boys to the movies, etc. now the 2 older ones drive. My daugh. has a best friend since 1st grade, we know the parents. My friend takes them to the movies and shopping, I wish I could be part of that. I enjoy our talks tremendously, girl talk. Have to take the bad with the good. You reminded me that they don't complain about goimng to church with my husband and I, THANK YOU FOR THAT.

I've got 3 girls and a son; my girls are 17,16 & 15. my son is 11. Mine have never known me any other way as I was hurt before they were born. They're always off doing their own thing. It's part of growing up. If they didn't try untying the apron strings they wouldn't be teenagers.

As for the guilt I'm with the others who said you should not feel guilty. It wasn't like you opted for this. And in some ways it does make them stronger & often more caring individuals.

I have been a wc user all my life. My kids are now 23 and 24. I have grandkids aged 5, 3, and 20 months.
My kids both went through a difficult patch, which was esp hard for my daughter, in relatin to their mom being a bit different. But I just viewed it as normanl. Afterall, all teenagers think thier parents are aliens at some point! And all teenagers go through a crisis of confidence over something or other at some point. Zits, small boobs, lack of facial hair (the boys that is!) ther will always inevitably a focus for their angst.
My hubby and I have always been pragmatic, and stressed to them that some mothers, although perfectly able, don't do anything with their kids through choice. I always found stuff we could do and let other moms I knew and trusted take up the slack.
My son, in particular, went through a no-talk, no-touch, no eye-contact phase as a very famous dog psychologist puts it !)
On the whole, now they are older, we talk openly, and they tell me they didn't suffer any for my disability. In fact they both admit its made them more aware, tolerant, caring.
My daughter has always been affectionate. My son had to move away, and come back a man, but now I get loads of hugs and kisses and he will walk down the street holding my hand.
Don't feel guilty. Your kids have been raised with love and care. So many millions of kids only experience neglect and abuse.

I was 15 when I became a T12 para in a ski accident. I went on to have two kids, now ages 19 and 17. I was in a chair when they were born, and back then there was literally NO support for SCI moms. I'm so happy to see this forum.

As for your kids, I find myself in nearly the same boat. My 19 year old son left home on his 18th birthday, and my 17 year old daughter is "staying with friends in town." I understand what is going on with you. These kids don't realize yet the value you have had as a mom...more so than able-bodied moms, because you've shown that you can do this against all odds.

Take care and don't worry...

Heather

Sounds to me like you're living in a perfectly "normal" teenage household. Mine isn't much different.....my 19 year old hasn't experimented with anything and doesn't drink or party....but he does smoke, and dip, and we go round and round over that sometimes because I just flat out HATE it....and my 14 year old, may very well be surgically attached to her xbox in some way, because I never see her without a controller in her hand....and neither of them can put the cell phones down for 5 minutes to carry on a real-life, face-to-face conversation.

I'll ask them nicely a couple of times, then the big bad mom in me comes out and I start confiscating cell phones, computers, and wireless xbox adaptors....ever how long they give me lip and complain is how long after the work is done that they're without their "toys". They're generally good about helping, and honestly, they do a lot around here because they see that some things are challenging for me, and they'll jump right in and do it, but being the "lazy generation", sometimes they get slack and I have to remind them --- FIRMLY --- that I am NOT their maid and that they're responsible for their own mess.

Teenagers, with their moods and attitudes, are like a big ol' box of Cracker Jacks....sometimes you luck out and get something really awesome, and other times you get something really crappy....you just never really know until it comes out. One minute they can be loving and sweet, and the next, not even want to be in the same zip code with you.

I'm in a WC and their dad is AB, but they'd rather deal with their dad than me any day of the week. I'm strict and very firm with the rules I've put in place for them to follow....and if they break them, they're punished in some way.....even my 19 yr. old. He has a job and is considered an adult, but my house, my rules still applies to him as long as he chooses to live at home. I guess he's ok with it so far, he only mentions leaving when he gets really angry with me, but deep down, he's a "mama's boy", and I know he won't go far even when he does decide to leave. :o)~

You have to let them know you can be their friend and someone they can always trust and talk to, but you also have to let them know you are their parent and what you say goes. I have to say though, whether they're mad at me or not, the minute either one of them thinks I'm having trouble with something or need their help, they come running. I can always count on them no matter what, and for that, I'm thankful.

I try to constantly remind myself that being a teenager in todays world is hard too. In the big scope of things, they have a lot to deal with and process...and they're not even adults yet. It's not like it was when we were growing up.....there's so much more violence and peer pressure on them than we had, and they're pressured more to do stuff...sometimes wrong stuff....just to "fit in". We just have to let them know we're there for them, and we love them unconditionally. Yeah, sometimes we have to be harder on them than we'd like to be, but hopefully, if we do our job right, one day they'll understand that whatever we did as parents, we did for their own good.....because we love them.....and they'll actually be better people because of it.

Add me on myspace: http://www.myspace.com/nctim1

Thanks for all these words of wisdom. I'm a single mom, T4, 4 months post injury, with a 15 year old daughter. I've been home from the hopital for a little over a month. I'm waiting to get into rehab at Baylor in Dallas, but in the meantime, I feel like bashing my head against a wall.

The first couple of weeks or so were good - both my daughter and I would rather be out doctoring a horse or dog than people, which is why i was surprised she had a good attitude at first. There's so much that I still can't do for myself and I have to lean on her. The past couple of weeks though - she's dropped into a surly, hateful, bitchy attitude and kept telling me how she hates it here. I did start to take her phone away until she gets stuff done. I think she thought because I was in a chair that if she didn't want to hand me the phone she wouldn't. Until I told her all I had to do was call ATT and have it shut off. We had a discussion the other night which has netted two days of cooperation. We'll see how long it lasts.

Are there any single parents out there?
Laura