Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a long time. This time, I really need help and you guys are the only ones that might understand.

First of all, I want to say, I am married to thewonderful man. I love my husband very much. He was hurt almost 3 years ago and he is now a T-8/T9 Paraplegic. The past year he has been very sick, going through withdrawls from Oxycontin and many UTI's. He has been hospitalized at leat 5 or 6 times last year, not counting the other trips to the ER.

He is going through an extreme amount of anxiety and depression (although he will not admit the depression) He wakes up several times through the nights every night drenched in sweat and nauseated or vomits. He has lost 80 pounds in a year. He barely eats! He has no appetite.

We have seen so many doctors in a year and tried to get help. Noone can seem to help. He has stopped using the VA, except for supplies.

In addition, he wakes up in the middle of the night with very bad spasms. He has even screamed and told me wanted his legs amputated.

Then we get to the part of my relationship with my husband. I know my husband loves and I love him. He tells me all the time. But, lately he hasn't been treating me very well. I know that it is the anxiety and depression that causes this, but it is so hard. He yells at me a lot. He always apologizes. Lately he has threatened to leave me, said that he wants to leave so I will be happy. I have never told me that I am unhappy. I can't imagine myself without him. He always says that I don't deserve to be treated the way he treats me and that I should be with someone that treats me better. Most of the time, he treats me great, but when he is in one of his moods. He is so sweet and so loving.

Today, we went to a doctors appointment for him and he got so upset with me, that when I got out of the car to get his chair. He drove off and left me in the parking lot. He came back, and we talked but he was still upset and told me he was leaving me again. But, then he cooled off and apologized. He told me part of him wants me to leave him. I told him that it will NOT be my decision to end our marriage. If he no longer wants to be married to me, he will have to make that decision. I will never leave him, I love him way too much.

I don't want to portray my husband as a bad guy. He is really wonderful and I have never loved someone so much!

I just need to know if anyone has had this experience whether themselves or someone they love, please share their experience. I need support and someone to talk to. My family doesn't understand, and neither do any of my friends. Please any advice is welcome. Even, if it is telling me that you have had a similar experience in any of the things I have stated above. Thank you so much for your help in advance

im not married, but i have been with my boyfriend for ten months and ive been injured for a little less than ten months. i went through the same thing it sounds like. i still have days where i think it would be better for him if he werent with me but like you he says he cant be without me. for me its kind of like an insecurity and i felt better about myself when i was treating him awful or i thought maybe he would get fed up and leave and it would be easier. you might ask if he wants to talk to a therapist. it helped me. now when im feeling down about my sci i just lock myself up, cry and then move on.

Regardless of whether your husband has a SCI or not, that kind of behaviour is abusive. He needs therapy to deal with his anger and some antidepressants.

As for saying he loves you then doing the same abusive stuff all over again, well that's like guys who beat up their partners and then apologise ...like that makes it all ok.

No you don't deserve to be treated the way he treats you (his words I believe) so maybe say, yeah, go on and leave me...and see how long you survive out there in the big wide world.

Your story just breaks my heart. I have to agree with everyone else and say that therapy might help. I know what it is like to feel my hubby's frustration. Usually he doesn't show it too often, but when he does...I know how bad it can hurt to watch him struggling, etc.

I hope things get better for you!

WOW, I am really sorry that you have to go trough that! There is no excuse for his abusiveness towards you, at least not in my book. He definitely needs therapy, antidepressant medication and if possible the work therapy would be the best solution for him! He needs to find some purpose in his life! Otherwise it’s not going to get better. Try to make him do some work, even a couple of hours a day. Don't let him give up on life and on your marriage. Good luck!

Has your partner just changed over the last year since he has been getting infections or has he been like this since his accident?

My partner still goes through phases when he just shouts and gets angry (and thats after 24 years in a chair) i know that he is just frustrated with his body,

He is also depressed and cries when we go to bed, that he wants things to end.

( He has already tried to take his life twice), he looks at me sometimes and i can see the pain in his eyes , at least twice a week he wants out of life,

I say that if hes looking for me to give him permision to do it, then he's going to have a long wait.

Im sure your partner does love you and he's just taking it out on you as your the closest thing to him.

That said its not easy for YOU and YOU need support, is there anyone that you can talk to ?

I also think councilling could help, and maybe a trip to the doctor for medication for depression.

Since my partner has been on medication he has calmed down a lot, things are not purfect but more manageable ,

do you and your partner get out at all? has he any close friends that could stay with him for a few nights for you to get a break ?

it gets really hard when your walking on eggshells and tip toeing around someone when you'r afraid what they are going to say, and what mood they are gong to be in.

I hope thing's improve for you .

maria

I concur with others about counseling, but for the BOTH of you. Also, get him on some mild spasm medication like Baclofin. It really is a life saver when spasms are previnting him from sleeping. Maybe then his mood swings won't be as severe. One thing at a time.

Thank you for the advice and encouragement everyone. He has been going over serious withdrawls for a year from the Oxycontin and percoset. This causes a great deal of anxiety and panic attacks. He is on baclofen and gabapentin for spasms, which do not help the spasms at all.
He refuses anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills, he doesn't want to be on more pills. He just started up going to his counseler again after me nagging him for months. I finally called her and asked her to call him. She was seeing the both of us a few months ago. But, now the VA will not allow her to do the couples counseling anymore. They have a new guy and he is horrible. I am looking into other counselers for us, through Tricare and the Military. Hopefully, we will find something soon.

Today, he told me that at his physical therapy appointment, he may have torn his rotater cuff (shoulder) and may have to have surgery. Now, I am full of anxiety, he said the recouperating process takes 6 months. I am freaking out now. What will we do. My husband is very young, so he should recover quickly, but I don't know beacuse of everything he has already been through. How will we get through this??????

Lastly, he told me something that broke my heart. He said he was at the VA the other day and saw a woman carrying her husband's things and amongst them were his prosthetic. This tore him up, he said he knows the ultimate outcome and doesn't want to put me through that. I don't know what to say.

No one has told him that he is going to die. I don't know why he thinks this.

[China: Yes, he has changed since the infectgions got so bad in the past year. He had had 19 UTI's in a year.

kdenon01: Thank you, it means a lot to me that you can relate. It breaks my heart too, it tears me to pieces.

Lastly, yesterday he weighed himself, it wasn't that great of accuracy, beacuse it was very difficult for him to get on the scale. If this correct, he has lost over 90 pounds. He was in tears, I held back mine. This is so scary. He barely has an appetite. He still throws up a lot. He threw up yesterday twice.

Thans for the support everyone

I also agree with the counseling . . . and definitely for both. I didn't think I needed it, but got a lot out of it myself and was glad I participated and realized I too needed it. And, maybe if you had a good therapist, then that person could explain the benefits of antidepressents and antianxiety meds. I understand your husband not wanting to increase his meds at this point . . . but those meds do help a lot of the time; especially in severe cases . . . and I have to say, it sounds like your husband's case is severe with his thoughts of wanting his life to end. Sometimes when a medical professional explains the "scientific" need for those types of meds (i.e., the brain's chemical imbalance with SCI, etc.), it can help that person come to terms with the fact that this is a "medical" issue, not so much a "mental" issue or weakness.

But those spasms waking him up thing has me wondering . . . what is his dose for the Baclofen? Sometimes the oral Baclofen is not enough and it just serves to "chase" the spasms, not really ever "catching" them. A Baclofen pump might be something to look into for providing some relief there. He's obviously not getting good sleep and you'd be surprised how much a little sleep deprivation can mess with, not only, your health but your mental state.

I'm so sorry you and your husband are struggling so much. Wish I had more to offer.

Joye

[quote name='devotedwife' date='May 5 2009, 05:00 PM' post='109738']

My heart and prayer goes out to you and your husband. I would definitely suggest to get some sort of counseling or therapy. I disagree with medication unless its absolutely necessary only because medication alone can cause long term negative effects. I commend you for being supportive because it truly takes a special person to be unselfish enough to take on that responsibility. Never is any kind of abuse ok, but for your situation Id say there is definitely ways to get through it. If your family doesnt understand, dont bother with trying to make them. Its hard enough as it is and to have to defend or convince others is not something you should have to worry about. Being positive and surrounding yourself with positive people and places and things, will help. There is hope, be strong, support is a great thing as well. Good luck