When I left the hospital, I was very heavily doped up... as time went on, I realized that I need to stop all of the meds, because they're making me feel/act like a zombie, plus all the side effects...

So I stopped all of them. Baclofen, neurontin, percocet, oxycontin, celexa, depakote, seroquel, xanax, a bunch of others. I can't even remember all of them. High dosages, some of them were max dosages.

Granted, I've been in incessant pain, spasms, whatever, since then. To the point of messed up sleeping, having a hard time walking (when I do), having a hard time sitting or leaning forward, all kinds of stuff. But I was somehow proud of myself for not being on anything.

Spasms and spasticity have become to the point of intolerable. So, after talking to my doctor, I'm back on the main three: baclofen, neurontin, percocet.

I feel better, even with just the nighttime dose. Better physically.

Emotionally, I feel like I've taken a step backwards. I cried when I took the pills. I couldn't control the pain anymore. I feel like I've let my self down. I know that this is what meds you're supposed to... expected to... take. I just feel like a bit of what I was proud of, this strength against pain, has been chipped away somehow. Before all this, I was such a controlled, poised person. Biker, dancer, rower, good nutrition and stuff. I feel like I've got to get over my personal body control issues and get over it, but...

I needed a vent. This is one of the few places where I can do so. Thanks.

Chickadee (love your name)

Don't beat yourself up--give yourself a little love. You have endured a lot without any medicinal aide. And, if the medication helps you to sleep better... function better... and, doesn't make you ill, then it can't be a bad thing, right?

I used to love hiking, biking, and working out on my tread mill. ate right... took my vitamins, etc. I hated to take my muscle relaxer and low dose pain medication just to function. But, I don't feel badly anymore. Today, my quality of life is better for taking that medication. That's a good thing.

You are conscientious--You're fine.

c ya around.

-Barb

But chickadee, you are still in control! You were smart and tough enough to forego all your meds until your body could decide which ones it really needed. You have done the experiment and your system is telling you what it truly needs to function well; you just need to respond to the feedback.

Taking meds isn't weakness in and of itself. Doing anything mindlessly shows weakness; you have collected the data, considered the pitfalls and made a conscious decision to add some items which will improve your well-being. That's being strong, m'dear.

I feel the same way every time I have to clean up a mess caused incompitent surgeons that screwed up so bad they can't fix it. Like today, sat in the shower, learning against the wall for about a half hour and cried my eyes out while a huge mess in the bathroom and all over me just kept getting bigger. Then I finally took a breath, started to rince myself off, and clean up. It's both litterally and figerativly the shits.

But I'm not dead, and not giving up. Life is too damn short to wast the time I have in between the shitty times!

I have learned that when I need meds, I NEED MEDS. Unfortunately that's every day and now that I'm older (68) it means even more meds for heart, blood pressure, and others. They do improve my quality of life and hopefully my longevity.
And yeah, Rat, there's nothing like relaxing in a hot tub of water and getting that feeling "NO, NOT NOW!", while the water around you begins to turn brown with things floating in it. BEEN THERE DONE THAT! It is a shitty feeling. Pull the drain plug, turn on the vibrating shower hose head and wash it all down the drain. Then rinse yourself off good and start all over again using lots of sweet smelling soap. Had a date that night to a formal Mardi Gras dance/party. Made it home safe with not even a skid mark........

I think hooplady said it very well.......you did kick all those & your system says you need some assistance. That is not the same thing as giving up or loosing. :hugs:

i was in the shower as a result of that shitty feeling and this morning, I wake up to it again *sigh*

Thanks guys. I appreciate the good advice and thoughts.

Ratticis, I've had a few craptastic days. Your body has been just sewn back together! It's all messed up and needs to get all balanced again.

Ya, I know. I'll live and so will you . . . unless you kill me. Then I won't live Please dont hurt me!

I'm too lazy to drive up to Alberta to do that. Besides, the weather here is nice. Might grill a turkey burger on the deck and watch planes for a bit. Should be interesting, considering how loopy I am at the moment.

What's disturbing about that emoticon is the fact that he sticks oiut his tounge

That's just to prove he's a gimp too. After-all we've all got to learn to eat the stuff if we want to survive!

Ummm... that's how you get E.Coli. No thanks.

The very very first thing I stopped taking when I got out of the hospital was stool softeners.
What a load off my mind that was.--haha

Then it was down to the basics for me too, just baclofen and oxy, same as you chickadee. Don't really want to try functioning without them.

And props to hooplady for me too!!

O christ, those stupid assholes! I gots an ostomy so when I was in the hopical the dumb f*@ks started me on stool softeners because I hadn't had a bowl movement in forever. Ya, no shit you stupid ****s, I'm not supposed to!