im dating an incomplete quad and its getting tough
i dont want to be his carer but im ready to leave .. its the hardest relationship ive had and i dont think it will get better,
i feel useless and quilty and confused what to do.. love cant solve this im sure
any suggestions

Talk it over with someone. It sounds like you have made a decision but have not accepted it yet. A friend of mine from college dated and married a woman with MS 30 years ago. They have been through 3 underworlds together and are only stronger for it. This man just happened to be born for the role of caretaker. He loves being needed. If you don't feel this way, which would be hard to manage for a para even if you did, cut your losses and free his future.

For credibility, I am also an incomplete (barely walking) quad.

Pwuff

I'm sorry you feel overwhelmed. It can be a rollercoaster at times!!
What about the relationship is making you feel that way?
I had problems with my bf about things at first & it was very hard for the both of us but you two need to talk it out and realize this, how much love & heart are you willing to put in to it?
He needs to consider your happiness & you also need to consider his!
Talk, Talk, Listen & Talk some more.
Things will get easier, I promise.

i love his company we spend lots of time together,, have lots of fun he makes me laugh on the good days.hes used to his chair im still adjusting
hes very independent which i admire .


bad days and down days ,,hard to sleep in the bed .. the medical side of it all...the sexual side is all one way really . his struggles upset me
i hope there is a way for it to get better .

Zoe, you say in your profile that your b/f's a para, and in your post here that he's a quad, which could be quite a difference in the type of care one needs on a daily basis.

It sounds to me, judging by BOTH of your posts, that you obviously care about this guy, otherwise you wouldn't have gone to so much length researching about SCI and even posting this thread in general.

I think your actually considering a long term relationship with this guy and maybe the ramifications of the SCI is a little daunting. It's kind of ironic, reading your last post . . . . . the reason I'm posting is due to the sexual line. You stated how sex is mostly one sided. Well, to be quite honest, isn't that the way it is MOST of the time with AB (able bodied) guys? So, now you're on the receiving end and that's a BAD thing?

I understand your concern about the medical issues. There will always be matters to deal with, UTI's, pressure sores, etc, etc. But on a list of pro's and con's, which outweighs the other? Don't the possitive aspects of this relationship deserve a chance?

Now, if you've already decided to call it quits due to that overwhelming feeling another partner gets from being a caregiver, and not just a significant other, than that's your right also. This life isn't an easy one, and it isn't cut out for everyone we meet. Even some caregivers in the proffession can't deal with it. So, how would we expect our wives and girlfriends to easily accept this responsibility?

Whatever you decide, to stay or leave, it's okay. As long as your happy in the long run.

Hi Zoe
My Partner and I have been together now for 25 yrs, only getting married in march 2008. My initial injury was in 1984, but drasticly changed in 2001 when my lower spine herniated. We have had 8 years to adjust and it isn't easy. 8 weeks ago I became paraplegic, loosing al from waist down. Again thats a major change from my previous ability to walk a max of 25 feet on two sticks. To being in my w/chair 24/7. The last 8 week has been the toughest time of my life / of our relationship. Roles change from loves to dependants and care givers. We have engaged an agency who come in 1 hr in the morning to get me up - washed - dressed. This has been a great help to us both, I don't feel as guilty - dependant on my partner, and they don't feel like a carer.

In life you have to take the rough with the smooth. If your bf was para/quad when you met, then you knew from day 1 what you were getting involved with. If the accident happened when you were already a couple, then the person you fell in love with is still there, and still loves you, and thats half the battle won. It will take time to adjust for both of you. I know, its what I m going through right now. I'm in one bedroom, on a hospital style electric bed, whilst my partner is in another room, in our double bed, with our dogs for company! I sucks, it hurts, but untill I can tolerate their movement on the bed without it hurting me, then we sleep apart.

No one can tell you what is right or wrong for you to do, only you know whats right for you. But like qbounce has said It sounds to me, judging by BOTH of your posts, that you obviously care about this guy, otherwise you wouldn't have gone to so much length researching about SCI and even posting this thread in general.

So you obviously care for him then ? SO why not give it a go, at least you'll get access to the best car parking spaces when you need retail therapy !

I really dont think u are confused ,u seem to know exactly know what u want.
Im a para and my ex wife visited me a few times and when it was time for me to be released from hospital ,she vanished.I started from nothing and just when I had completely given up on ever meeting a caring and loving person ,the Lord just made it happen .I have someone who loves me for what I am .At least my ex surrendered than if she had pretended she would be there for me when all it was going to be was misery .

UNLESS THIS GUY IS MEAN ,HORRIBLE etc TO YOU ,then he has himself to blame.
Otherwise Hey ,

I say GO ,very fast .Dont doubt yourself ,Read James 1 Vs 5-8.Its better for both of you to be happy apart than miserable together.
One day when you are lying in bed ,after all is said and done ,THINK what you would have felt if u were in his shoes.

Pwuff said it best. " Free HIS future". Not everyone is suited to accept our situation. It's not a bad thing to leave,,, It will just be that much sooner that he finds someone who won't.

I wish you both luck.
ed

thanks to all your replies
i just wish it wasnt so tough .. wish all the best to every one x