By Dr. Chris Repp
"We wrote the book"
Step 1: Preparation
First you should locate the patient. Are they sitting calmly waiting for you? If so something is wrong. I mean, you have absolutely no idea how to pronounce the organ you are about to remove, never mind have the slightest idea what it does. At this time, I would like to state that any death, injury, or extra limbs that result in listening to this book are your responsibility. You should have learned a long time ago that anything that includes 5 'easy' steps wouldn’t work. All right, so you've tied the patent down, good. Next you need to wash your hands. After all, you don't know where they've been. Next, put on your surgical gloves. If you don't have any, the gloves that came free with your toilet brush will do. Make sure the patient is properly gagged. All right, you’re ready for step 2.
Step 2: The First Cut
DO NOT just go cutting into people! (You should have read this before. If not, skip to step 4). First you should locate the general area where the organ you want is. If you don't know, just take a guess. You'd be surprised what you'll find. Slice into the place you picked. If you don't have a surgical knife, just use the plastic one from KFC. Did you find what you're looking for? If not, try again. You should probably practice on a mannequin before you go cutting up people, but who has time?
Step 3: Panic
Oh oh! I don't think you were supposed to remove that. Put it back! Put it back! Oh crap! Now your knee deep in your patient. This would be a good time for step 4. But first you have to put your patient back together. Just ram him through your sewing machine or duct tape him back together.
Step 4: Destroying The Evidence
Now you really did it, didn't you? Tie the ball of blood and duct tape up in a sac and throw him off the nearest bridge. That's it. Don't worry about contacting their family. If they let you operate on them, they were either incredibly stupid, or suicidal.
Either way, nobody loves them, just like you.
Step 5: Hide
That's right, go into hiding until the law is passed that allows a complete moron to try to perform surgery on an even bigger moron. And the way things are going; you'll be there a while. I hear Mexico's nice this time of year.
Surgical Test
Ha! Didn't know you'd have to take a test, did you! Don't worry, it's just to see if you were paying any attention.
1. What's the first thing you should do before attempting surgery?
(A) Find the patient.
(
Find your pants.© Be sure everything is clean.
(D) Ask for immediate payment
2. What could be used to replace a scalpel?
(A) A plastic knife.
(
A bottle of Gin.© Your finger nail.
(D) Anything, as long as it cuts.
3. What is the best way to close your patient up after surgery?
(A) Using clean, neat stitches.
(
Don't. Let him lie there.© Duct tape.
(D) Huh huh! What? Huh huh!
4. What is your patient?
(A) Stupid.
(
Suicidal.© Your Uncle Al.
(D) All of the above.
5. Where is the best place to hide?
(A) Mexico.
(
Your basement.© Don't bother. If they want you, they'll find you.
(D) The 7-11.
Answers
Here are the answers to the surgical quiz.
1. What's the first thing you should do before attempting surgery?
The answer is (D) Ask for immediate payment. Cuz after you operate on them, you'll never see the money.
2. What could be used to replace a scalpel?
(D) Anything, as long as it cuts. Please note: This may include a rusty nail, plastic bag (a sharp one) or an actual scalpel.
3. What is the best way to close your patient up after surgery?
© Duct tape. Ha ha, got you.
4. What is your patient?
(D) All of the above. Poor, pathetic Uncle Al.
5. Where is the best place to hide?
(D) The 7-11. There's an unlimited supply of Slurpies and enough food to last a while.
Well, that concludes this section. I hope you all learned something, cuz I sure didn't. Until next time, That's just wrong!
Dr. Chris Repp
In Hiding
Don't call me,
I won't call you