Halloween In 5 Easy Steps
By Chris Repp
"Spooooky"

Step 1: Where'd It Start
So the best time of the year is once again upon us. That's right, the time for masks and costumes and pretending and candy! No, not election time, Halloween! But where did it start? While, as I understand it, Halloween was the Pagan new year. Oh those wacky pagans. Anyway, the pagans figured that on this one night the spirits of the dead for some reason got to wander around the earth looking for food. So the pagans put out candy so the zombies and ghosts wouldn't egg their houses. Ghost eggs are a pain to clean up!
Eventually some sneaky pagans decided they wanted candy too, so they dressed like ghosts and helped them selves. Today we continue this tradition by dressing up like Spiderman and Sponge Bob and so on and TPing anyone who gives us granola.

Step 2: Costumes
If you want to participate in Halloween you need a good costume. Or a bad costume. Something so the cops can't identify you later. Traditionally costumes included ghosts, ghouls, zombies and the like, but sadly in recent years people have decided they need to look like fictional characters like Bart Simpson or the Spice Girls. While still scary, these costumes break away from traditions such as sacrificing virgins, though it does make them easier to find.

Step 3: Tricks & Treats
The original reason people dressed up for Halloween was to get candy. Candy has come a long way since those early days, so there's no reason for people to give you things like toothpaste they stole from work (had a dental assistant try to pull that one) or other crap that won't rot your teeth and fill you with sugar. And that is why we have tricks. Someone doesn't give you candy, there house gets egged, TP'd, shaving cream on the windows, and dog crap on the doorstep. If you can't find dog crap, improvise.

Step 4: Games and Traditions
For some reason there are several traditions surrounding Halloween. Like gutting a poor innocent pumpkin and sticking fire on the inside after carving a face in it. I believe this started after a guy named Peter Pumpkineater murdered his wife and stuck here inside a pumpkin and light the corpse on fire. It just so happened to be October so he claimed it was Halloween tradition in his home town of Hookerton, later renamed Montreal.
For some reason another tradition is bobbing for apples. Originally when people had Halloween parties they didn't want doctors showing up trying to fix peoples fake wounds. So they filled a big tub with rum and stuck apples in it. As you know, doctors hate apples, ever since the big doctor/apple war of 1218. Come the next morning they would make pies out of the rum soaked apples. But one day some drunk dived into the rum tub early and tried to get an apple. And people still try this every Halloween.

Step 5: Modern Day Halloween
There aren't many pagans around these days, so why do we still celebrate Halloween? Simple, it's fun, it let's you escape the boredom of your every day humdrum life and let's you be whatever you want to be, if only for a night. Plus free candy is awesome!

Halloween Test
So let's see how much you know.

1. Who started Halloween?
(A) Pagans
( Zombies
© Drunks
(D) Sponge Bob

2. Why are costumes important?
(A) To make you feel pretty
( Hide your identity
© Better chance of scoring if she can't see your face
(D) So the real ghosts don't reconnaissance you

3. Which of these is NOT an acceptable treat?
(A) Prozac
( Chocolate
© Rum
(D) Hard Candy

4. Who won the great apple war of 1218?
(A) The doctors
( Apples
© Steve Jobs
(D) Mankind

5. What is your life?
(A) Boring
( Just like that movie, you know, the one with the guy. The guy with the face.
© Better than being smacked with a salmon
(D) Wasted

Answers
Here be the answers to the questions . . . Five. Ah damn!

1. Who started Halloween?
© Drunks
They wanted candy and rum apples

2. Why are costumes important?
( Hide your identity
And remember, she can't see your face, but you can't see hers either!

3. Which of these is NOT an acceptable treat?
(D) Hard Candy
I mean, come on grandma!

4. Who won the great apple war of 1218?
(D) Mankind
After the war apples were used to ward off doctors and keep them from fondeling us 'for our own good'

5. What is your life?
(D) Wasted
It is if you're reading this crap

Well, now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Chris Repp
Wearing a costume
Stocking up on eggs and TP

Now do you understand why them bowels of yers ruptured?

I did before

That's just not right... For the uninformed, you must first put the crap on the doorstep in a paper bag, then lite on fire, ring the doorbell, and run.