Ok, I'll get the ball rolling:

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,

"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled,

"Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added,

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply,

"I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,

"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Let's hope I can tell this joke after the World Cup

Why do all the German football team carrying lighters in their pockets?

Because they lost all their matches


This guy goes into a chemist and says to the pharmacist "I would like to buy a vial of cyanide please?" With a puzzled look on his face, the pharmacist asks "what do you want the cyanide for?" The chap replies "I want to kill my wife" the pharmacist replies "I am very sorry but I cannot sell you cyanide for that reason" The chap looks rather unhappy and says "hang on a minute" he gets his wallet out opens it and gives it to the pharmacist. Inside the wallet is a photograph of the guys wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo and is rather shocked at how ugly this man's wife is. He says to the chap "sorry sir, I will go and get your cyanide, I didn't realise you had a prescription"

A country boy goes to the big city to get a job. He gets a job as a salesman at a super/mega store. At the end of his first day, his manager asked him how the first day went.

Manager: How many sales did you make?

Country Boy: Only one.

Mgr: Only one? What's the problem?

CB: But it was for $300,000.

Mgr: That's fantastic! I've never heard of anything like that!!! How'd you do it?

CB: Well, this guy came in and we were looking at fish hooks. He wanted a small one, but I talked him into buying a bigger one. And since he got a bigger hook, he needed a bigger fishing pole. And if he was going to get a bigger fishing pole for some serious fishing, I told him he might as well buy a fishing boat. He said he'd like to, but his car wasn't big enough to haul a fishing boat, so I sold him a bigger car! All in all, the sale was $300,000.

Mgr: WOW! I can't believe it! All because he wanted a fishhook?

CB: Well, no. Actually he'd come in to buy his wife a box of tampons. I told him, "Well, your weekend is shot . . . you might as well go fishing!"

President Bush walks into a meeting about the Iraq War and ask, "OK, what's the latest?" One of his staff answers, "I'm sorry to report, sir, but we've had reports of the deaths of 2 Brazilian soldiers."

Much to everyones surprise the President looks down, burying his face in his hands. He's obviously troubled by this news. After a minute he looks up... "OK... How many is a brazilian?"

There once was a filthy rich man who had loads of money, a big house, and lots of women. In fact, he had everything his life he was a complete bore. To fight it off, he would have annual parties that were just amazing. Every year he would outdo the previous debauchery. Yet he was still bored. One year he had an idea. He filled the pool with crocodiles.

Halfway through the bacchanalia he announced, "Anyone who can swim across my pool and get out to the other side still alive can have my house." There was silence, nobody took his dare. He spiced up the offer, "Anyone who can swim through my pool and get out the other side still alive can have my house and all my investments and stocks." Still silence.

Spicing up the offer even more, he threw in not only his house, his investments, and stocks—he threw in all his money as well. Suddenly, there was a loud splash. A man was fighting for his life with the crocodiles. The struggle was bloody but the man managed to swim across the pool and get out alive, half dead with an arm and a leg chomped off from his torso.

"Oh my God," said the rich man, "that was incredible! When do you want the house?" "I don't want the house," said the poor guy. "When do you want the money?" The man said he didn't want it either. "When do you want all my stocks and investments?" "I don't want your stocks and investments," the brave man added. "Well, what do you want, then?" the rich guy, perplexed, asked. The man replied: "I want the jerk that pushed me in."

A guy and his son walk up to the gates at Sunderland football club and handed over £5. He says "can i have two please", the lady taking the money said "what u want? Centres or forwards".

Someone has broken into the trophy room at Sunderland AFC and stole everything. Police are looking for thieves selling a red and white carpet.

It was a really hot day on the beach and the burger vans and ice cream vans were all along the edge of the beach. The smell of the onions and burgers were drifting down the beach towards the sea.

There was a shark who kept popping his head out of the sea and each time the smell of the burgers and onions made his stomach rumble.

He noticed a crab in a nearby rock pool, he called the crab over and asked him to go up to the burger van and to get him a quarter pounder. The crab was really grumpy and complained asking why should he have to walk all the way up the beach. The shark said, "well you've got legs so you can walk up the beach, I can't." After begging the crab for about 5 minutes, he finally gave in.

The shark lay there basking in the warm water enjoying the smell of his food cooking. About 10 minutes later he saw the crab coming back down the beach, with empty claws.

When the crab reached the water line, the shark asked him where the quarter pounder burger was. The crab said that it smelt and tasted so nice he could not help himself, and he ate them both.

The shark who was less than impressed shouted up the beach to the crab, "YOU SHELLFISH BASTARD."




I know its corney, sorry.

Maria

A woman walked into her kitchen and saw her husband there with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"I'm swatting flies".
"There are no flies in here".
"Not any more!" He said. "I just killed them. Three of them. Two males and one female".
"Aw come on! Two males and one female? How could you tell?" She asked.
"It was easy. Two were on my beer can and one was on the phone!"

You CAN Take It With You!

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him.

"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed. Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.

St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"

Bill Gates and General Motors
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth, George W.
Bush turned to the Queen and said: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen replied "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."

George thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George W could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

^^ haha, i like that one!




this one i dont get...oh wait, i just got it as i wrote this post! very good!

A guy walks in the pub with a monkey buys a couple of pints and starts drinking them when all of a sudden the monkey goes mad and starts jumping up and down everywhere and eating all the peanuts and snacks off the bar,then jumps onto the pool table,picks up the cue ball and swallows it whole! Then the bar man says to the man ' hey did you see that? your monkey swallowed the cue ball whole!' 'Oh dont worry' says the man it doesnt suprise me. Then the man finishes his drink and goes.

Two weeks later the man returns with his monkey. Buys two drinks and sits down when all of a sudden the monkey goes mad again! jumps up and down everywhere and onto the bar and picks up a cherry and sticks it up its ass,pulls it back out again and eats it! The bar man sees what happend and says to the man ' urrrh did you see that your monkey just picked up a cherry and stuck it up its bum pulled it back out again and ate it!' 'Oh' said the man. 'Ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!

Office Help Needed

A sign in the window saying "HELP WANTED - Must be a good typist and have good computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air (signaling at the ad).
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page with his mouth and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have computer skills."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample Excel spreadsheet and Access database, retouched a picture with Photoshop, then presented them all to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" ... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few m inutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.

He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me"

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde GUY were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

they were eating their lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned Beef and cabbage!! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, Im going to jump off this building!"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed," burrito again! If I get burittos one more time Im going to jump off too!"
The blonde opened his lunch and said,"bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, Im jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death!
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a buritto, and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If Id known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexicans wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didnt realise he hated burritos so much!"

Everyone turned and stared at the blondes wife. The blonde's wife said.."Dont look at me! He makes his own lunch!!"

Not really jokes but good all the same....

Take any three numbers from one to nine in sequence, then reverse them and subtract the smaller from the llarger. The result will always be 198. Eg. 123 would become 321: subtract 123 from 321, and the answer is 198. Try it.

Three people went into a restaurant, they each had a three course meal and paid £1 per person. They demanded a refund because the soup never arrived. The manager gave the waiter 50p to give back to the three diners. But he took 20p for himself and gave 30p to the three. This meant that each of the three paid 90p for his meal. 3 x 90p makes £2.70, plus the 20p the waiter took makes £2.90. Where did the other 10p go?


After serving his Company loyally for over 30 years the chief Engineer retired. Several years later the Company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company recieved a bill for £50,000 from the engineer for his service. The company demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark £1
Knowing where to put it £49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Two guys are pushing their shopping trolleys around a store when they
collide.

The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too.

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate". The first guy
says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like"? The second guy says,

"Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts
and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What does your wife look
like"?

The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

so this really is not a joke. it's a cat in a bottle. it is odd.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseacti...1682511&n=2

Can you cry under water? Sure why not? Just don't breath in

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? They have to get to my level

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" ... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going? Have you ever seen that movie office space? Yeah something like that.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Tell ya when/if i get there

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? While pizza makers are lazy the box makers dont cut corners

What disease did cured ham actually have? Chicken pox

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Because we thought we would be living on the moon whith a lot less gravity so our luggage wouldnt weigh as much

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Because they woke up ever two hours screaming to be breast feed

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Movies are bigger. It would be kinda hard to fit in a 30 inch tv.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Because they havent figured out its much better to pay to go up in a plane and then jump out of it

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. Eh, they're busy. They gotta run around to different rooms. Easy answer

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Oh ok now I get it. Took some time to think about. Well, you can say take off/put on your panty and bras. It just sounds better the other way around though

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Because their are pleanty of not so decent human beings around

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Seems to be a lot of songs that no one cares about. Like britny spears doing it again.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? That's a good question. My friend has a hears. I'll ask him and get back to you.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? That would make for one very short series.

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Because to get the time you look at your wrist if you have a watch on. When you go to the bathroom you don't really look at your junk. Well, ok, maybe some of us do but it isn't something that is required to relife yourself

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! He is just goofy.

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? The thrill of the hunt!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Duh, babys

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? yup

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? I just sung both of them in my head and yes, they do.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above? TO answer your question

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Because if it's inside the atmosphere they call it a metorite. When it's out of your butt they call it poop.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? Maybe you didn't brush your teeth today.

Saddam was sentenced to be shot at dawn.
he was allowed one last request,to choose his firing squad.
he chose Lampard,Gerrard and Carreghan at 12 yards

A forensic pathologist welcomes his new class of students and says, "The first thing you must learn is to feel at easy with a dead body." He immediately sticks his finger up the bum of the dead body, pulls it out and sucks his finger. He gets all the students to do the same.

"The second thing you must learn is to pay attention to detail. Note that I placed my index finger up the bum and sucked on my middle finger."

Tommy Cooper style jokes so I'll apologise first!



Hee, hee….

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.


2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."


3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.



5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No,the steaks are too high."



6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.



7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off ".



8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.


9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.



10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.



11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’Is it common?' "It's not unusual."



13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."


"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"



14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."



15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!



16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'



18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.



19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"



20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.



21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."



22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"



23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night




24. A fisherman was busily fishing in the afternoon sun, a passer by came up to him and asked him if he had caught any fish, he replied "yes". He was then asked what bait he was using, he replied "liquorice", the passer by looked astonished. After a couple minutes of thinking how liquorice would be a good bait, was it the smell? was it the fact that it had a rubber type consistancy? He asked the fisherman, what types of fish he had caught using the liquorice, the fisherman replied "Allsorts".

<<Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People>>
<<There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live>>
<<When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris>>

From Chuck Norris Facts

Two guys from Cape Cod are sittin' in a boat on Pleasant Bay fishing and drinkin' down beer when ! all of a sudden Mike says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Harry sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find

Ya know why your turds are tapered on the ends?





























To keep your buttho from slamming shut.


the end.
Rick
-

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

Age shall not weary us!!!

Just before the funeral service, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow and asked, " How old was your husband?"
"98" she replied. "two years older than me" "So you're 96", the undertaker commented. She replied, "Hardly worth going home isnt it".


Reporter interviewing 104 year ofd woman " and what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied..."no peer pressure!"

Dont think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Ive still got it but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Hot on purpose, some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

I'ts scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is that they have to squat down first.

dont let aging get you down. Its too hard to get back up again.

remember you dont stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

I'm sharing the asteroid one with my hemorrhoid doc!

These were too funny!

so theres two Ducks on thier honeymoon and their about to have sex for the first time so right before the majic is about to start the female duck pushes her new husband off and says "you have a condom right?" he says "well, no?!" so after a short argument she asks him to get one from the front desk so he calls and asks them to send one to his room right away..
the front desk asks "Would you like us to put it on your bill?"
the duck replies "NO, are you crazy how the hell would i breathe!"



Two elderly women are in the park smoking and enjoying the day when it begins to pour down rain the one looks at the other says oh, well and whips out a condom and covers her ciggarette with it and continues to smoke, the other baffeled says whats that? "its a condom, i use them to keep my smokes dry"
so the next day the old woman is in the store and remembers her friends advise so she marches right up to the pharmesist and says she needs a condom the pharmesist replies "What kind would you like?".... She says "I don't care as long as it fits over a camel."



A Woman finds a lamp in a garage sale, she buys it and takes it home as she begins to clean it out pops a gene she gasps with joy and says "Oh, my I get THREE wishes right !!" the gene is taken back and says 'three huh, how about one sence your so anxious" she thinks for awhile and desides she was being greedy and that there are many worse off than her "Gene i have my wish... I Wish there could be peace in the middle east!" the gene laughs "where is the middle east" he asks, she gets out a map and shows him. ... "now how am i going to do that its a war tats been going on for thousands of years.. what else do you want?" he asks.,, she thinks... "ok I am 45 and never found true love, i want a man that will love me for who i am and take care of me with unconditional love." the gene says "ok let me see the map again"

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie.

The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the
masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a
very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like
it"? The masses bated breath is ear-shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie"

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is
answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your
public house"

The barman says,"I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know"

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"

The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what
happened"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"Blimey " said the barman,"what from".



After a short pause.........



.................or possibly a long pause The rabbit said...



Mixing me toasties



--

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A little girl walks in to the bathroom one Sunday morning while her
Dad is sitting on the stool reading the paper.

"Where does pooh come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already
asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good
stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to
the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares him in stunned silence for a few
seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"

As John's a fisherman, that joke made me laugh so much when I saw it first, and it still makes me laugh now.

The Future of Customer Service



Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your ..."
Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh ..., hold on ... 698-45-54610 ..."
Operator : "OK... you're ... Mr Sfiso Majola and you're calling from
17
Retief Str. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and
your mobile is 082 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now
Sir?



Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir."
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir."
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir."
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from
the National Library last week Sir."
Customer: "OK I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then, how
much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The
total is R149.99
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card
is over the limit and you're owing your bank R3720.55 since October
last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your
housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today."
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come and collect it on your Green Double Cab ..."
Customer: "What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Nissan
Double Cab, ... registration number NRB 1123 ..."
Customer: " *'!^ *%^*%^I7*"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing ... by the way ... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're
also diabetic ... "
Customer : "Please cancel the order, my wife will have to cook .."

Women Drivers
This morning on the Highway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Golf with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. Can you believe this? I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the steak and kidney pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Stevie and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers.




Yes I know Im a woman but I thought it was funny enough to post here.

Three men, an Italian, a Polack and an American are being sent into the desert for an experiment of survival. All three men are asked, "What one item would you like to take with you?"

Italian: "A pizza"

American: "A six-pack of beer"

Polack: "A car door"

When asked why they would chose these items they replied:

Italian: "In case I get hungry, I have something to eat"

American: "In case I get thirsty, I will have something to drink"

Polack: "Well if it gets too hot , I can roll down the window"

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her ".....And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

This pic is actually from a guide dog school. It's Feldico (I think). When I was at guide dog school, they also had a cat there that they would let roam around when the dogs were working and doing obedience.

Ask your doctor


Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor
or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions.

Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and
with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't
mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.


-Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss
of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing,
headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and
play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked
Twister.

Tequila®.
Leave Shyness Behind.



Okie
-

Subject: FW: Council complaint letters

These are genuine clips from (UK) council complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.



Click to view attachment

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

Subject: Guido

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her (you know what I mean) senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it,but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian"


Click to view attachment

Absolutely the best I've read or heard all year!

Okie

OCEAN VIEW- I have no idea how this works, I have never been good at these optical illusion pictures. But the friend who sent me this said if you stare at it long enough, you should be able to see the ocean. I really tried for a while, but I cant see any stupid ocean!!!
Click to view attachment

Er...I rather not stare at that

lol. i would! i totally agree with ya ladypilot, what ocean!?

This one is specially for you John though Simon might edit it!!!
Click to view attachment

Oh thanks, I love that....oh yea...