Hi all

Firstly I don't want to upset anyone and this is my opinion.

When I met my husband he had already been in a chair for many years.We got to know each other, first as friends then things developed and we realised we loved each other. My family were not supportive of my choice. My father wouldn't speak to me for many years and my sister was ok on the surface but had a lot to say privately to me!

Since we have been married for 20 years there is one thing that really gets me going. Thats when, on learning he was SCI when we married people say something like.."well you knew what you were getting into then"..or"well at least you knew what you were taking on"

I notice similar phrases crop up on this site from time to time.

Does any one "know" what they're getting into. For example: a friend of ours married a guy with 3 teenage children..she had none..to cut a long story short the marriage failed. She says she didn't realize what she was taking on. Now you could say that as he already had the teenagers she "knew what she was taking on"

So is it "easier" for those of us who meet our partner after they are injured?

My husband was able bodied when I met him. We were 14 years old. We moved in together and got engaged when we were 18. And then my husband's accident happened one month later.

In my opinion, which I see some people disagree... it has been MUCH harder for me than it would be for someone who met their S/O AFTER SCI.

To sit there and see him those first few months...struggling through surgeries, rehab, recovery, and relationships with family/friends...THAT was the hardest part. And I always try to avoid thinking back to how we used to live. FOUR years together...and those 4 years are almost painful to reminisce on.

I can see the argument that those who met their s/o AFTER SCI still have something to compare it to. But to say that it's JUST AS painful...is ridiculous in my opinion.

It seems to me that everytime I turn around here lately there is something being said to compare and contrast our feelings of loss, pain, independence, etc. etc.

I don't think it makes the RELATIONSHIP any so called "easier" just because I met my partner after he had his SCI. I think that was first and foremost the overall question here.

Do I know what I'm getting myself into?? What? I love him and whatever the future holds we'll see it through together. How could anyone know what the future holds for them?

Kdenon, I understand where you are coming from. To be with someone you love so much and seeing them in pain and struggling is hard for anyone to handle.

But does seeing that make it "harder" for you to have a relationship with him? Maybe...maybe no. But all relationships are different. We could definitely flip this one back and forth!!

It's hard for me sometimes because I wasn't around when he got injured. All his friends have been there for him since they were kids, and after he got injured they all sorta coraled around him. Helping him...motivating him...etc etc.

So I was the outsider here...I have shown them that I'm here to stay and they obviously know we love each other BUT until Brad was put into the hospital with a bad case of AD did they really realize that I could handle serious situations. And they made it very difficult for me for a long time.

My partner had already had his injury before we met.

I was married, and once i'd met him, knew that i wanted to be with him.

Everyone couldn't believe that i was going to leave an" able bodied" person for someone that (couldn't do anything) as they saw it.

It has never, and will never be easy.

It must be hard if you knew your partner before injury, as their personality could change but in my opinion,

To see someone you love suffer with pain every day no matter if you knew them before or after is hard.

Even though my partner was already in a chair, i didn't realy know EVERYTHING and couldn't understand everything so NO, i didn't know what i was letting myself( IN FOR )

just as he didnt know what he was ( IN FOR) taking on five ,children.

Reminicing must be very painful for both of you, if the injury happened while you were together.

My Husband was able bodied when we met. We were both 19.We got married at 21, and 4years later he had the accident (c5/6).We have been together 40years this year. It has been a long and winding
road,We still love and respect each other.

No. Just different.

I can relate to what kdenon01 said about being with someone when they are injured and going through ICU/hospital/rehab. Sitting with someone you love through all of that is awful, no matter whether it's SCI or something else.

We had been together about a year when he had his accident, but known each other for a couple of years before that. We were both in our 30s and had been partnered before with other people.

I think part of our difficulties have been the "can't teach old dogs new tricks" factor. I honestly believe that it would have been easier for my partner to adjust if he'd been younger. As it was, he'd had 20y of active adulthood before becoming a completely dependent high level quad.

Even though I knew my partner and had been VERY well educated through hospital and rehab (to the point where many staff who met me thought I was medically trained), I still had NO IDEA what I was getting into when we came back to the community. And to some extent, I have been so busy doing all that for many years that I haven't even had time or emotional energy to stop and reflect on it.

I absolutly agree with everything you say.Ihave done so much reserch since my husbands accident
and argued with the medical profesions proving them wrong.We have had to fight for every thing,without the backup of friends and family.
I feel sadder more now we are older (both60 this year)and worry about the future.

I really can't see how anyone can say either way and speak for both sides b/c everyone is different.

What if your S.O. went through a hellacious time in the hospital and pretty much had a very fulfilling life without any complications and maybe even able to walk afterwards? Or, what if your S.O. didn't have too hard of a time during their hospital stay and rehab, but had nothing but health problems afterwards?

Everyone is different . . . even people who are AB. Everyone will take and handle the situation differently. So to write that people who met their S.O.s before their SCI has it easier is not a very rational statement. Just as I had written in the Assisted Suicide thread, unless you have the ability to crawl in someone's body and know what they are feeling, you have no idea.

As far as all spouses and S.O.s, all we can do is give each other support regardless of when we met our other halves.

Hi all

Thanks for your replys.

I am afraid that my question may have come across as a kind of "which of us suffer more" which is not what I intended.

China..I really identify with your comments. I had just come out of a bad marriage and that was the problem with my family. They couldn't believe that I was moving in with a Quad. They sort of kidded themselves that I was going to be his nurse..but then when we said we were getting married they showed their true colours...They dressed it up a bit. My parents said they objected cos my ex husband wanted me to try again and my sister gave me the third degree..which really consisted of "can he do it" to which I offered have him talk to her husband if she was having problems with him "doing it"!!!..We don't have any contact with any of them.

Irene..WoW..40 years married . Is that the Ruby anniversary? Anyway congratulations. Perhaps Simon will bake you a cake...then again..perhaps not! I think he only does BBQs!!!

I met my boyfriend c5c6 incomplete a year after is injury,we always had strong feelings for each other, but only got together later this august. I never saw the wheechair,still,i can't really see the obstacle there,i never met anyone like him,is a storm,he push's me backwards and fowards,is a bastard and the most loving sweetheart in the same breath.
We never chose who we fall in love with,it just happens. I rather die,than stay with someone that suits me and my family requeriments. My family is not happy about my choice,although they haven't express any negative feelings,they worry,worse are some coments made by former friends("Your f*@king a disable guy,you can do better",is gorgeous but....") people's ignorance is the most frightening thing. Im learning new ways of taking the world in.
My point is,love doesn't come easy(in my experience),when it noock's at your door,its a blessing! So i did meet him after is acident,but,the truth is,that,is like he's always existed like that.When he's in pain i worry,when he's depressed i help-Big challenges in front of me,but i love my baby,there's only one of him in the world,and he loves me.
People say many things in the end of the day we all have a journey,and in that journey,some people come to us,they make the tapestry of our path. I really admire some female choices,some women are brave enough to follow there instints,i take great homage in these women,they are my inspiration.

I share a litlle bit of what all the other ladies here that replied. My man and I did not meet before he was SCI. I was with him before, during and now. Our relationship was rocky before, during and now. Things to me have not been different I still treat him like a person in which that is still wha the is. I did however find myself finding it hard for him and me during the ICU, Rehab and insurance issues. To see him go through so much and lose so much was hard for me to sit back and watch. But we made it through the storm that is what we say.

We have issues still to work out.

My family is very supportive of the decision I have made to be with him still. His family well that is another whole story. he only has one brother no other siblings and mother and father are already gone. His brother is a jerk...and i can not stand him...The thing is I could not stand him before the accident either.

i know I ma going on and on venting aimlessley but I hope I've given you something to think.

My gf was my carer before she stopped taking $$$ from me and became my SO. Now, knowing what she did before jumping into a relationship with me, I'm possitive that she has it easier than my Ex-Wife did . . . simply because my girlfriend could decide for herself whether or not she wanted to even attempt getting involved with me. My Ex didn't have that luxery, and now look what I call HER.

The ones that stick by their SCI partners have a special bond though, IMO. When two people can weather through something of this calibur, it's gonna take a whole hell of alot more to rock their foundation.

I am in a relationship with someone whom I consider my best friend and soulmate. He is the one of the two of us who is has the sci. I have been in relationships before with able bodied people and I found myself in situations that came as a total surprise to me. In my relationship now, I have caretaker experience so I guess technically I should know "what I was getting into", however, this relationship is no different than any other, as time passes, new things come to the surface just like any relationship where two individuals come together. Viewpoints, tastes, habits, personality traits etc. The statement that you know what you are getting into makes no sense for any relationship let alone one involving a partner with an sci.
The comments I have been told are things like, "I'm happy you're happy, but cant you get into a relationship that is easier?" (what sense does that make ?) Another comment is "how do you know he just doesnt want a caretaker?" and the best was "well at least you know he wont walk out on you. which totally offended me. Just know that you can never know where life will take you, you just have to believe in yourself and your partner that you are both doing what is best for you both and things will take their natural course.

I guess it is potentially easier to be with someone who you didn't know before the injury, but it actually depends on the people themselves. The easiest thing is to meet somone, who is "ok" with their situation, has a positive open mindset, knows what's going on and makes the best out of the situation. But I guess as well, that it might be harder to fall in love with someone who is already injured for a while ago and is a negative, depressed person.

Situations vary, but the only reason I feel it is better to meet someone after an injury (and I mean years to adjust to this life) is because it is hard enough for us to deal with the loss without having someone in our lives who is a constant reminder of how things once were. If a couple meets after the person with SCI has come to terms with their situation (has a life, career, other interests, etc.), I feel that it is beneficial to the relationship because the person with SCI has more to bring to the relationship. Which, in the long term, means less desperate partners online posting in forums about how their partner is not motivated, can't take care of him/herself, isn't open to new things in the bedroom, etc.

It is not so much "knowing" what you are getting into; it is more about wanting what you are getting into because the person you choose to be with has a lot to offer. If the person with SCI is coming from a position of need because they are weaker, less able versions of their former selves, what good is that? For this reason, I believe that overall it is better to meet someone after you have moved on from all the pain and loss that stems from injury. Others may disagree, but from the perspective of someone who is injured, I would rather be able to come from a position of strength than from a position of weakness.

YYZ

Wow!!!That's it.

This is difficult for me to answer as i met my partner post injury. However, it is amusing to me that you say "well you knew what you were getting into then" - the truth is I had no idea. All I knew was that I had fallen head of heals in love with my soulmate. I sometimes think that this question should be aimed at the person in the Wheelchair - does she know what she is getting into falling in love with me!

The hardest thing is that people want to judge me negatively because I have fallen in love with someone who uses a wheelchair. Why? I have no real idea, aside from an incling that it comes from their negative self image as a wheelchair user, ("how can anyone love a person in a wheechair") I don't pity my gf. I love her. I love her disability just like I love her hair, her eyes, her face etc - you get the picture.

Would I still have fallen in love with her pre-injury? Absolutely!

Presumably lets turn the question upside down.....

Does anyone judge a person with sci that have a AB partner. Do we know what we get? But to me a bit of mistery is always very stimulating lol....

Nobody knows what they are going to get. Bad things happen all the time, people change, etc. The point is....people who were with their significant other pre-injury REALLY REALLY REALLY did NOT know what they were gonna get.

Where as people who meet the SO after SCI kinda sorta knew what they were getting into. JMHO.

To all those partners of SCI's I really admire you , my partner met me post SCI and is the most wonderful person in the world , unfortunately people who claim to care about her keep telling her she has ruined her life but wanting to be with me , we are having time apart right now as she needs a break .
We have both acknowleged it can be very difficult for the partner of an SCI , but any real problems we have had have been caused by ignorant people trying to break us up .
It is hard enough for the partners of us SCI survivors without people interfering and making life harder , it was my partners choice to get together with me and what right do others have to interfere and try to make out she is not intelegent enough to make her own decisions .
Her mother told her recently I was just using her to look after me !!! and that i would have taken any woman , Can you imagine how such a comment would damage her self esteme ??? I think it is abuse to say things like that to the partners of SCI victims , when they work so hard to support their partners , their have been so many instances that I have heard of where partners of SCI victims have been treated like this , It is unfair and totally wrong , you have enough to put up with with our frustrations & health issues and I think all of you are total angels who sacrifice so much for the partners you love .
Hugs to you all , Andrew

January of 1990 I started dating the man I would later marry and have 4 beautiful children with.

I had my accident 4 mo later still at age 14. He stuck around while 90% of my friends bailed and went on about their lives. And he said he was "OK with" the way I was afterward; which was able to do some walking with forearm crutches. I had no strength to speak of and would not be able to help much around the house and such. I also have a brain injury on top of the SCI........he also said he was "OK with" this as well. A few years of marriage went down the road and after a while he decided "I've changed my mind", he wanted someone who could keep up with the house work and who didn't get all sorts of stuff mixed up, and oh yeah he wanted to do it standing up (he did this with our next door neighbor just prior to our split). Since he chose to marry me after the accident, although he knew me prior to it could be argued "he knew what he was getting into". Alas it did not work out and we had a messy divorce where my disabilities were used to gain full custody.

My SO met me well after my accident. We met as friends and he has seen my back deteriorate. He is still willing to do anything and everything I may need him to do. I don't think it is the fact that my current SO met me after the fact that will help us stay together........I think it is the fact that he is such a nurturing and caring man and that he respects me a lot more than my ex.

I can not speak for every failed relationship........only that in my case I don't think it was as much my disabilities as it was his inability to accept me for what I am and his "me centered" thinking.

My man is almost 19 years post injury and I have known him for a little over a year. We plan to marry in September. I have to agree with kdenon01 on both accounts. No one ever knows what life is going to send their way, and it would be much easier if a couple meet post-injury.

Andrew, my heart goes out to you and your girlfriend. I heard all the same crap from so called "friends" and family as well. The fact of the matter is that this man is my soul-mate, my other half, we've been through so much already and there is no doubt in my mind I will never, ever be with another man. Please know that she might realize that these are just ignorant people who have no idea what the two of you have and that there still might be hope. But also know that if it doesn't work out is only because she is not the right one for you, and that you and your other half are working your way toward each other ever single minute. However, I must take exception to one thing you wrote, I am not an angel for being with my man, in fact I kind of see it the other way around. I am so lucky to have found him and to have him love me I thank God every single day for him.

P.S. I promise there is a woman out there who will feel the same about you - just keep moving forward - you'll make it.

My fiance was already injured before we met!! we met online and bagan talking daily! I knew about his condition c6 incomplete and continued getting to know him and after 4 months of talking daily we finally met and it was love at first sight for me!! we knew each other so well even before we met and that made it better for us!!! I was criticized about being with him by friends and family in the begiining and My reply to them was that I loved him and I dont see the wheelchair , i just see the wonderful man i fell in love with even before we met !!! I have been with him for almost 6 years and cannot imagine life with out him!! we had a long distance relationship for 4 yrs before i moved from my hometown to bewith him and I would o it over agin!! I am having problems with the fact that we cant get married because of his social security benefits getting cut out if we did get hitched!! That really pisses me off!! I am his caregiver and I do anything he needs me to do !! He says his life expectancy isnt that long . can anyone tell me differently ? I would also like to hear from others with any advice they can give!!!

My boyfriend was injured in June 2007. We have been friends sine summer 2002 and a couple since xmas 2004

I met my SO back in 04 when he was able bodied, but it was only a short meet (less than a year). We lost contact with each other until here recently in April 08. I found out that he was at a facility and I went to see him, and he remembered me four years later.

We've been together now for over a year, so basically when I really started to get to know him, he was already SCI two years prior. Something about him intrigued me when I met him in 04, and he still has that same spark now. He's still at the facility and he comes home twice a week and I visit him often. We talk on the phone often. We're working on getting him started on therapy so he can increase his chances of possibly coming home for good.

Honestly, I fell in love with him in 04. He's still the same great, gold hearted guy that I met, but this time he's stronger. He's got this certain dark, mysterious side that really drives me wild in a good way Honestly, I love him for who he is, regardless if he's SCI or not. Obviously I have to look at the injury and work things around it, but we both work great as a team and have great communication.

I met my husband in 1997 and his accident happened in 2007, so after 10 years of what we built together as our life was turned upside down...it's very hard to watch the one you love go from being the one to do everything to the one who can't do anything...now this hasn't changed our feelings for each other but it did change our roles in our life....I am his full time caregiver and do it with out any problems...I love him more than I could ever explain...nothing about this has been easy (except the part of being thankful he's alive)...I didn't know when we met what I'd be doing, but I also didn't know that I would have 3 daughters! lol

I met my SO post injury. He has been in his situation for 12 almost 13 years. Like most have said, you know what you are taking on so it is somewhat better. However what i was prepared for were the mood swings. He was very active prior to his injury and this has been taking a huge toll on our once wonderful relationship..

My partner has been SCI (C5-6) for 37 years this October. I met him when he was 10 years into it. We hooked up, spilt up but remained very good friends until we hooked up again a couple of years ago.

Yesterday he moved from his home of 20+ years into my home so we can finally begin our lives together! It's been a very emotional couple of days as he said goodbye to his friends, carers and support networks to move 200 km away to a new city so we could be together (before anyone asks why I didn't move to be with him it's because I have a job I absolutely love which is based in the city in which i live (and it pays very well) and I am the sole breadwinner in the family which includes my 2 teenage daughters).

We are under no illusions that it will be easy but I have spent the last couple of months organising care providers, having my house remodelled etc so that I can keep working and we can keep eating and I can maintain my sanity. I have arranged care givers to come in in 3 times a day and my caregiving role commences when I get home from work.

So here's hoping it all goes well for 2 old lovebirds!

The best of luck Austyn, I wish you both well for the future.

I met my boyfriend 10 yrs after he'd had his accident and I never thought "what am I letting myself in for". I have often thought, "does he know what he's letting himself in for?" as he is 12 years younger then me and I have 4 children.

I don't care he's in a wheelchair, it's not what I see when I look at him and I occassionally forget he is not able to move (I say the most stupid things, but we laugh). Of course I feel bad I have "forgotten" but it is purely because I am not seeing his disability first, not because I am insensitive.

Now, it's other AB people (who have not met him) who seem to be be more concerned about my relationship with him then I am. Questions can be very personal and offensive concerning the things he can/can't do and why I would choose to have a relationship like ours. But I do see THEIR disability clearly and feel sad for their ignorance (it's a terrible wordwide afflication). I don't let it get to me anymore because they don't know him, or how we are together.

I have only known him the way he is. He talks of his memories pre-accident and his good friends are still that. Maybe it is easier for our relationship because we are making our memories and we don't have any from the past to long for again.

At the end of the day, we have to live for the here and now. None of us knows whats going to happen so there really is nothing else to do except embrace it and get on with it the best we can.

We love each other and that's enough, whether SCI or not.

I met my boyfriend 20 years post injury, and I'll say it flat-out: I think I have it a LOT easier than a spouse/partner who has had to go through the trauma and period of adjustment with their partner and learning how to live their life in a whole new way. No relationship is "easy," and no you never do know what you're going to get (hell my first marriage went up in flames). This has been, by FAR, the EASIEST relationship I have ever had (and the happiest). If anyone has had it hard, I'd say it's him, dealing with all of my divorce drama and my moody 8 year old daughter (hehehe). All of the "challenges" we have are the normal, "relationship-y" kind of things, and even those are minimal (especially compared to my past relationship disasters) but that's due to our personalities being such a perfect match. I definitely think that as much any any relationship can be easier than another, meeting someone and starting a relationship post-injury is definitely easier than going through with your partner.

Tara

my wife met me 10 yrs after my accident (t12) obviously she new there were gonna b somethings that werent gonna b like a reg relationship. But did she know what 2 expect .....not at all but i gradually let her in on things that would or could happen, my situation is ....well my situation so its gonna b different. i can do pretty much everything for myself besides when one of my friends think its funny to pute something i want on top of the fridge..(asses)..lol. She is amazing and totally dedicated to our relationship no matter what..before sci or after, easier or harder i cant say it all depends on the people in the relationship...hope that helps! stay happy

my boyfriend has been in a wheel chair for 30 yrs but he is just 34 . he got hit by a car when he was 4 . i met him 11 yrs ago . honestly i did not even think about a wheel chair when i met him his heart was so big thats what i noticed and still do. i worry about some of his health problems but i knew what i was getting into and love the ground he wheels on lol

honestly i think it has to be easier if you met them after the injury. think about the questions on their minds all the time if they got hurt after. they would constantly be wondering if you were with them out of obligation. you know why you are there, but if the roles were reveresed don't you think you would constantly wonder if they were there out of obligation? and if they would be happier with somebody else since you didn't exactly "sign up" for that? i know it says for better or worse but just think about how you would feel being the one that got hurt. that question is a given. yeah its easier to know them post injury. not that knowing them after doesn't come with its share of problems but doesn't every marriage? sure it seems like the problems are cause of his injuries but if it wasn't it would be something else. its a relationship, you always have challenges. i have dated able men before and let me tell you you never know what you are getting into. the moment you move in together or get married as time goes on you are like "how did i not see this coming" you either work through it or you don't. however this is just one hard hurtle that you have already crossed. knowing that you want to be with them and their disablitly and them trusting why you are there. i consider myself lucky. i don't know how i would have not fallen apart myself to have been there during the injury. i have seen picture and it breaks my heart everytime. not because he is now in a chair but because i can see the pain he was going through and his family in the pictures all the "not knowing" what was to come if he was going to make it or not, the way this would change him,etc. getting together post injury i think really helps give him piece of mind on why i am here.

I met my gf at the nursing home that i was at for rehab! we've been together for a year so far. my accident happened 3yrs ago. i love that girl so much its rediculous!

My wife met me 4 yrs after my injury and this year we have celebrated our 10th marriage anniversary. She is a great women, love of my life, and I have realized a some time ago that each day/year our love for each other is just keeps getting stronger. She has always had a lot of support from her family, and I believe that they even admire and respect her more for being married to me! There is no day without affection kiss and warm hug and night without falling in sleep in each other arms; still after 10 years! I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.
Before:



and now:

just reading the post(s) here
when i met rob, i didn't see the chair, i seen a guy that stole my heart with a simple hello, and even to this day, if someone is looking at us for a longer then wanted amount of time, i tend to forget that they are looking at the fact that he is in a chair, and i just go on thinking that the person was a freak!! lol
i didn't and still don't think of it as getting into anything, others around me do and my mother was the one person that said as (rude of a bitch she is) "what the hell do you want with a man that can't walk or get it up" that hurt a lot, i no longer talk with my mother, another long story, i think that if you love them and are oh so happy like we are, then none of that metters, let things happen when they happen, don't think about it and don't worry about it, we live each day as it comes, some days are hard but once passed a new one is one us and the sun shines again!!
this was a good topic to start,
thanks!

to say that anyone knows what they are "getting into" is silly. you can be with an AB person and find out a year after dating them that they are a complete wack job. the only thing you know you are "getting into" when starting to date someone in a chair is that....that can't walk. that's pretty much it. you don't know how they take care of themselves, how much you are going to have to help out, how far their medical diagnosis goes, etc. you learn new things about a person everyday whether they be AB or not.

as far as who has it easier...someone with a person before the SCI didn't choose to start dating someone who was already in a chair, it happened and only the strong relationships survive (my bf's ex couldn't deal with the caregiver/gf role.). someone who met the person after the SCI decided they are going to see past the chair and take whatever comes their way because they want to be with that person. in the end though we both love our partners and would jump through hoops to be with them.

I was feeling cross with my mother last night. I was talking about my amazing new man (T4 complete) and telling her
how happy he makes me after all the losers I'd been with (and I've spent YEARS with the wrong men). She said, yes I'm
so pleased for you, you so deserve to be with someone worthy of you BUT what a shame he's in a chair, it must make
it so hard for you, I wish you could find someone who didn't have any problems!

I took a deep breath and told her in the politest terms I could muster, how offensive I found her comments. She isn't a stupid
woman, far from it, but can be breathtakingly insensitive at times. Reading this thread has made me realise how our friends
and family either need ignoring or educating (preferably) and how you shouldn't take too much notice of them....Anyway, going
back to the original poster, I think it would be far easier to meet someone post-injury. My man had his accident 10 years ago
and is the finest, most capable and all-round beautiful guy I've ever met. I've only known him a month and already know that
this is something very special indeed. Of course, if I'd met him before I would have been there for him 100% but it would have
been much more difficult. Either way though, if they're the right person in the first place, ultimately it probably doesn't matter.

I've only been dated this man (t6) for about a month but we have connected in a very special way that I have never had with anyone else. He is a beautiful and wonderful soul who just gets me. I think I've mention in my very first post that when I talk to him..I get so caught up in our conversations..(and his pretty eyes) that I sometimes forget he's in a wheelchair. I have been pleased with how happy and supportive my friends are for me. My mom however has been a little iffy. When I first told her about him she said he sounded nice...and now that our relationship is really starting to develop into something special she told me that maybe I should just be friends with him. I can understand her concern, but he gets around really well and has a very successful career. I know that it won't always be easy, but I am willing to try and see where this goes just like with any other relationship..One thing is for sure..this man is a true gentleman and I love being with him.. and hopefully my mom will be happy for me too.

We are 10 months into his injury. I cannot stop thinking of all the wonderful times we had together. It's like a movie that plays in my mind over and over. I am obviously "greiving" the for our loss. I think it is harder for couples who met pre injury. We had a totally different life at one time. It is so hurtful to constantly remember that past.

On the other hand... I am not saying that people know what they are getting into post injury. In fact I don't think they really could comprehend it all. I can imagine what that would be like because I have now met so many attractive, smart, funny, men in chairs since this happened to my man. You would think "So he's in a chair - big deal" but you wouldn't know all the care that is involved in getting him up in that chair. However, I do see the attraction. I often find them attractive because they are so strong and in control of their disability. So - in a way - it's the strengh & independance that really makes up a lot of the attraction.

We "pre injury" couples never had the chance to meet our men in that way, but we can support them till they get to that point.

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I can't tell u how happy I am to have found this site and this discussion. I have fallen deeply in luv with the most wonderful man ever. We began our relationship over the net and it took awhile for him to confide in me about his injuries. The fear he felt in telling me must have been overwhelming because he has had others run from him. We have our obstacles that we are working to overcome, but i dont see this as one of them. We have yet to meet face2face and he is nervous (I am too because I hope he likes what he sees too, lol). After reading ur posts i understand there is nothing i can do to reassure him right now other than give him my love. I also politely informed him that although i have been educating myself i am aware there will be things i dont expect, but there are issues with taking me on too. I have also wondered what reaction i might get as i am leaving a husband of 13 years (would be even without this new relationship). I guess this will let me know the true colors of the people around me...because I am so very happy now and can't imagine not having him in my life. <3

Dear Lady= sooner or later all of us feel sad at being older. Woe to us suffering from the human condition. see post below.

All,

This is an inevitable question for people to ask. A good friend of 40 years wondered how my partner is coping with my disability "since he had not signed on for this". This friend is married for 30 years to a woman with MS, but it was known at the beginning. We do sign on "for better or worse", and when the worst comes some rise to the occasion and some do not.

My spouse and I are a December romance, having gotten together at 50. He had rheumatoid arthritis as a kid and all his ankle and wrist joints are fused or limited, plus one limited ROM elbow. By anyone's estimation who knows him well he is "handicapped". I had lived a very active and well-coordinated life and got a bit of pleasure knowing I could "take care of him" should his arthritis get significantly worse. Instead I am the one in the wheelchair and he the caretaker.

I have fished for information to know if he resents our present situation but come up empty. he is just glad I'm still here. Don was never one to think much about the future. Consequently, it doesn't occur to him to feel trapped with me (until my death, one assumes), but he will occasionally be impatient with my demands on a given day.

Don told me of his reaction when he understood that I was paralyzed and might well stay that way. As fate will laugh at us, my accident occurred on our third wedding anniversary. On his second trip over to the hospital he pulled to the side of the road for a good cry (that's about five minutes for a guy) then thought this: "I've been self-absorbed for much of my life. The universe offers me this opportunity to devote myself to taking care of someone else. I will do it as best I may". He tells me that he prayed every night for the first month, until it became clear that I would survive.

Don was my rock in a deep current all the while I was hospitalized. He showed up twice most days to repeat the mantra, "Everything will be OK." He changed my diapers and bathed me when my caretaker had weekends off. He took it one day at a time.

Honestly, while I would have told you I could not move, and intellectually I know what the word paralyzed means, I could not understand what had happened for 5 or 6 months. I kept asking my rehab person things like "Why can't I sit up straight?" Maybe they thought I was nuts, but they never answered.

My Doctor at the first rehab unit (a dunce, by nature) was convinced I would never get much function and asked me to get an electric chair that stands you up. I knew he was wrong and argued for all I was worth until my OT guy commandeered a chair for me and taped push rods on it so I could prove I could push. That finally shut up the Doctor. I just kept listening to the voice in my head that said, "Everything will be OK."

Now we are 17 months from the accident. I can walk a few hundred feet if I have to, I can climb stairs, though since I suffer ulnar nerve damage from using a cane I now scoot up on my butt. I stand at the sink and do dishes because I need to spend time standing. I LOVE that I can go to a party and stand myself against a wall to talk to ABs at eye-level.

I can do enough that Don seems to forget sometimes that I might need help when I'm tired, but he gets tired too. He gets tired from endless threading about F-1 racing, or John Cooper Minis, or most anything that is part of motor sports- his self-absorbed activities. He forgets he decided to devote himself to taking care of me, and often that is a good thing, for without the demand I would do less. I decided to quit nagging him when he procrastinates... but I nag sometimes. We are each woefully human.

About the fear of getting older- it certainly gets more intense when the loss of ability is real rather than imagined. Don and I will run out of money at some point. Cr*p and panic. I have a UTI now that eats antibiotics like they were candy, and if I don't get ahead of it soon I will be racing to do paperwork before it is too late. Something will take me someday, and it will never seem like a good time. It is scary, and that is the nature of old age. She who fights with God loses.

My partner was already hurt when I met him about 4 years ago and at the time he had been hurt for 2 years prior to when I met him. It wasnt hard for me b/c I knew that there would be serious limitations. But now that we've been married for 2 years and have a baby coming on the way Im realizing that things can be very difficult. I may be very emotional right now with all the hormones and stuff but sometimes i find myself thinking about all the things we will miss out on as a family and it does get sad smetimes. And there are a couple people in my life that say things that make me feel like Im weird for loving someone in a chair, which is just annoying! I never regret any of the choices Iv made, with that I love my husband dearly. I cant decifer whether this is regular marital problems or if its a disabilty problem. But more and more my husband is becoming distant from me, I sometimes wonder if he's lost some love for me. For his lack of affection (which has always been lacking) is starting to make me feel unloved. I wonder if him being the smart and analytical type thinks more of our relationship as a business agreement and not a loving supportive bond. Sometimes it feels like our relationship is a roller coaster. Sometimes were happy and everything is normal and then others were fighting and theres problems. I guess I just need someone to talk to. thanks

I think that it can be hard for anyone in this type of situation. Then if you know them before or after. Just all depends on the people and what is going on in your life. When I met my fiancé about 14 months ago, he was already in a chair, he has been in a chair since he was 2 year old and he is 37 now. I am very blessed both in my relationship and in my family. My family has supported me from the start and love him just as if he was their son. For the past 10 months he has been battling a bed sore, after 3 surgeries and another one to come we are still going. Some of our plans for the future have been placed on hold but I know that we will get through this and be even stronger when the bed sore is healed. I don't feel that I have it harder than others when it comes to knowing him after he has been in a chair then before. I feel that it is just different. Just as any other relationship. I may not know what the future holds and where we will be in 5 years but I do know that he is the most amazing and wonderful man I have ever met and I thank god every night that he is in my life.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm so new in my relationship that I'm caught up in all the "new love" feelings. The truth of the matter is that I love being with this man. He's been in a chair for years and is very abled. He never let what happened to him stop him from achieving his goals. Still..I know that as this heads into something more serious that things won't always be easy. Sometimes little doubts enter my mind but I also know that with good communication we can solve things together. He is smart and analytical as well and sometimes that does worry me. He did tell me he doesn't want to be lonely...so I hope that he really wants to be with me because he likes me..not because he wants someone to fill the void. I think that would be heartbreaking to me, because I really am falling for him. I'm just hoping things will work out for the best.

My partner and I met 5 months ago, and it is 21 years post-SCI for him. I can tell you that his disability is far easier to work with/around than the fact that I have two kids and he's never been a parent. So it is really a matter of perspective as to what the "big" things in a relationship are.
Ours has been a long distance relationship - I'm in MI and he's in CA - and one thing I think is really important is to be sure that you spend extended amounts of time together to make sure you are ready to deal w/ some of the differences that a disability imposes on life. I get up and out of the house in under 30 minutes - he can't get ready in under 2 hours because it takes him longer to do most things. That's OK with me, but if I were an impatient person, it might make me nuts over the long haul. I know I physically do more stuff than he does in our relationship - carrying up groceries, etc... because of practicality, and since I'm a single mom and used to do things myself, it just feels normal to me. But someone else might resent that. And those are things you can't find out and work out long distance.
As far as it being easier post or pre SCI, I don't know. I do know this past week has been the 21 anniversary of his injury and it has been a tough week for him emotionally. And it has been hard on me seeing what the reminder of the experience does to him. In some ways I'm thankful that I didn't have to see him actually going through that, but then knowing he was alone through it makes me wish I could have been there for him. So I don't know if either way is easier or better, just different. The bottom line is simply to be thankful that you are there for one another now, and hopefully through the years to come.

My husband, of just over a year. has been an SCI his whole life. His spinal cord was severed during his birth. (he was breech and twisted in the birth canal) So, he doesn't have any other sense of what it's like to be AB.
We met on the internet and after emailing and talking on the phone for a few weeks, we decided to go ut for dinner. I hadn't ever been around anyone in a chair before and had no idea what to expect. However; since we had talked so much prior to meeting, I felt at is if I already knew him! That connection that you look for with someone was already there.
I will put my two cents in and say that I do think it is easier (in some ways) to meet someone post injury. Since being together for 3 years, he has gone through 2 major surgeries and I don't wish that one anyone. The first surgery was last year when he had to have a spinal fusion. With this fusion, he lost all bending/movement in his spine (except for his neck) He was in the hospital for almost 4 months and that was so difficult. Having to deal with all the issues of pain and infection was hard enough. I can't imagine having to go through all the feelings and issues with a new SCI.
However, I don't think that you can really say what will happen in any relationship. Lives change, feelings change, people in general....change. Nothing in life is certain and I have to remind myself of that. You will never know what tomorrow might bring. Good or bad. So, just live for today.

Me and my guy met a few months ago and he has been a C5 for 2 yrs now.

My husband and I were together for 10 years before his accident 2 weeks ago (T-8 likely complete).

He is still in ICU and sedated with a very dire case of pneumonia. I've been commuting 150 miles a day to the ICU where he was life-flighted, to be with him and advocate for him. Yesterday I sat and read to him even though he was asleep. Today I got papers from medicaid where they are going to tear our business and financial life apart before approving or denying his benefits. There is nothing 'social' about the social worker on his case. Next Wednesday I will conduct his appointment with social security because he won't be able to do it himself. The Thursday after I anticipate spending with our accountant trying to fit our business into the state and feds little boxes.

Our previously happy marriage had been seriously on the rocks for the six months before his accident. I am waiting now to see who wakes up - Dr. Jekyl or Mr. Hyde . . . . the man I married or the man I have been married to for the last year . . .

Regardless, I am going to stand by him until he tells me he doesn't want me anymore. I do love him, this is not just martyrdom. However, until I got the two in the morning knock on the door, I only thought I knew what a nightmare was.

His family looks at me like I am some sort of hero that has just volunteered to go on a suicide mission. I can also see in their eyes that they are afraid I am going to leave. I've been left to cope with our business on my own.

His true friends have offered me shoulders to cry on and spare bedrooms for respites (bless them). His ignorant so-called 'friends' send him cards that say 'get yur stupid lazy ass outta bed!' and can't understand why I won't let them visit (he would never forgive me for letting people see him in this condition) or call him on the phone so they can 'shoot the shit' with him (they don't understand concepts like 'sedation' and 'ventilator' and 'pneumonia'. I've had to chase the woman he was with during his accident (not that kind of woman, although she offered it up to him every day - he thought she was a skank - but they played on a pool team together, that's why she was with him) just to get his possessions back (she is still keeping his cell phone as some sort of guarantee she will get to see him again).

I am unusually strong and I can and will advocate for him until he can for himself (I'm a lawyer who often acts as a guardian for abused children and senior citizens). I will help him, but not baby him. I will tear out the interior walls in our house if that is what it takes for access. I'll cry for him and with him, but I will not be abused by him. In this longest night, dawn is still many hours away.

I'm going to have to say it would be easier to start and maintain a relationship post-SCI. If your SO is adjusted and comfortable in the skin that the fates have rendered for them, then they are likely comfortable and self-confident enough for a relationship. However, I don't know if my marriage will survive this cauldron.

To all you SOs and caregivers out there - I never thought much about you. That's because I never thought much about your partners' disabilities. To me someone in a wheelchair was someone to hold a door open for as a courtesy, not because I didn't think they were not able to do it themselves. The pain and terror they (and maybe you) endured never entered my mind. You have my respect and admiration. To those of you able to see past the wheels to the person also have my respect and I wish you all the best in the world.