14 replies to this topic

[crazylegs420]

being almost 19 with a new SCI is rough. girlfriend couldnt handle it, took someone else to prom. everyone wants to help, but at the end of the day no ones there. ive given up trying to explain to anyone what its like on my side of the fence. its not possible unless youve gone through it. its a very lonely life. i'm not irrational but some days it doesn't seem worth it. is it really worth being tough just to get the little thrills out of life that came for free before? working to control things that everyone else learned when they were toddlers instead of going to college. its tough sitting still watching everyone else progress. and it wasn't my fault. i want an answer, but i dont think there is one. i dont think theres any combination of words or ideas that could make me feel better about this. i just want a break. its hard being damaged goods and trying to compete with the rest of them. i feel hopeless. and it hasnt been that long in the chair and i'm already thinking its going to take me an eternity to find someone who looks beyond it. rejection is very hard. and loneliness can make a person do crazy things.

[nomis]

Hi crazylegs.
I'm an old-hand but you take me back to my early days. Firstly, already I see you show guts and expect to be part of this world by finding another date after your girlfriend dipped out. I know I'm not communicating with a dipstick. You've got some good insight and the best I can offer is that you're reading it pretty well. But there is a way and it's got amazing rewards but at times, if your life goes anything like mine, it can be rough.

Keep mixing with people and you'll find those who do accept you to deeper and deeper levels. But, in the end, the same principle applies to us as anyone else - ultimately we're all on our own. You're beginning to learn that sooner than most.

The "getting tough" thing can be puzzling 'cos to be honest it has contradictions. The conventional, superficial "tough" is bullshit. It is ok for getting you started. But real toughness comes from weakness. It's not until you can clearly see your losses and acknowledge them that you can build a confidence to enjoy. Otherwise, your brave facade is always trying to cover up what your afraid to see or ashamed to show. Learn who you are and be who you are. That's being tough.

You can't compete with the rest. Look closely, others mostly can't compete as ABs themselves. Don't play that game. Find where you fit and where you are comfortable. Create your own world not the one that Hollywood and other pressures put on us. They are bullshit.

Rejection is hard. It's hardwired. If you weren't hurt you'd be one hard sonofabitch. I'm 60 and I still hate rejection even when it's minor. You only feel hurt 'cos you're capable of love. It's a good thing and soon you'll be ready to take that love elsewhere and you'll find places for it that will take you places beyond your dreams. Trust me, life has amazing excitements and surprises if you are prepared to take the risks by putting yourself out there with people.

I don't know much about you but you're a similar level to me, you're obviously sane and realistically aware of yourself and I feel excited for the life you'll likely discover. Let yourself be sad and down when you want to and learn from that. You'll always bounce back stronger.

[JesseB]

Hey bro... I'm 17, and newly injured. Aug. 30th 08'. So, I kinda understand how your feeling...

"is it really worth being tough just to get the little thrills out of life that came for free before?"

Totally. There's ton's of stuff we can still do, you just have to find what fits you.

And about the hole girl/dating situation... Hah, havn't had any experiences since i've been in my chair, but i'm sure it wont be to much diffrent, well, I hope atleast..

Just stay positive and keep you head up, no matter how hard it gets.
Good things will eventually come your way, just gotta be patient.

[youwhat]

Hey dude, I've only been in a chair for 18 months nearly give or take myself and I learned one thing, 1st year is a bitch! Don't know how long you have been yourself? You said it had not been long but you're younger than me even so it's got to be harder. But just because your in a chair doesn't mean you can't do the stuff you used to before, look at some of the other wonderful people out there in chairs, doing extreme sports and everything There is light at the end of the tunnel matey trust me, it just takes a little time for everything to come together. It's understandable you feel rejected and lonely, I still do myself sometimes but what you need to do is find people that will stick by you, they may be there now, when you do grab them and never let go! These people will be there for you when you need them most, at times like this when your down and need a pick me up.

There are alot of people here who have all been through the same thing, new and old so don't be afraid to ask questions I hope things pick up for soon matey, all the best and take care!

[Nickleblue]

Hi crazylegs.
I cannot speak from your position I wont even try-your right enless you are not AB you wouldnt have the faintest clue. However I can say I had a friend years ago in a chair and the women I am crazy about is paraplegic - in a motorized chair.
I know that if the feelings from someone are genuine - the chair/situation/sci doesnt matter a jot.
there are many people on here partner of someone with a SCI - just have a look around feel free to ask their perspecives. I am an open book ive known LIR a couple of months and found myself on here looking up information about all the medical details i "Might" need to know in the future.
I have no fears or concerns I see "her" not "the condition" and im guessing theres a ton of people in your future who will feel exactly the same about you.
I salute you coming on here - anything that helps get it out of your system (emotionally) has got to be a positive start. im thinking for everyone one person that does theres probably loads in the background not confident enough to do so. Well done.
Gary.

[Doug]

I can say I feel you on this one. I lost everything when I got hurt and my girlfriend bolted as well. Im a quad so Im a lot more dependant then you most likely are, but I still manage to have great times and have met a few girls that look past my injury with no problem. I havent had any serious relationships since my sci but I know I will find someone in time, so just get out and do what ever you want thats fun. Try not to stress over what was and enjoy what still is. I know it sucks watching others enjoy all the perks of being AB but you can still do a lot, so dont sell your self short.

If you need anything shoot me a pm.

[crazylegs420]

thanks guys. you all give me the words of wisdom i need. i think i know just about everything youre saying already too. sometimes you just need that extra voice to reinforce your beliefs right?

i'm new to this site but i'll give ya some info if ya want.

i got hurt january snowboarding in vermont, have just about all function from mid torso up.

ya know even reading your situations i cant help feel bad because i know being a quad is a lot tougher (i.e. not being able to even cath yourself) and Volcom knows what its like being a young person in this situation (i had just turned 18 a few days before i got hurt).

its one of those things i dont know. i know i'll get through it cuz i'm not a dumbass and i wouldnt kill myself (even though theres been "dark days" where it has seemed like my best option). but still i'll bitch and moan along the way. and i'm not really a complainer. but can you blame me? you all know what its like on the disabled side of the fence; whether through person experience or by choice (like garysmiling).

i guess i just have to find purpose again. and find nice people that look beyond this. beauty is never skin deep right?

thanks guys, i'll be posting more on here now because of you guys

keep on rollin

[Kev-O]

I was injured in a car accident on my way back from a snowboarding trip. I spent my 18th birthday in the ICU an my girlfriend cheated on me when i was in rehab. Ive been there man it will all get better just hang in there. Try to get out of the house as much as you can. your first 2 years are going to suck

Edited by Kev-O, 20 December 2008 - 08:40 PM.

[Slowlegs]

crazylegs420, on Dec 20 2008, 06:58 PM, said:

thanks guys. you all give me the words of wisdom i need. i think i know just about everything youre saying already too. sometimes you just need that extra voice to reinforce your beliefs right?

i'm new to this site but i'll give ya some info if ya want.

i got hurt january snowboarding in vermont, have just about all function from mid torso up.

ya know even reading your situations i cant help feel bad because i know being a quad is a lot tougher (i.e. not being able to even cath yourself) and Volcom knows what its like being a young person in this situation (i had just turned 18 a few days before i got hurt).

its one of those things i dont know. i know i'll get through it cuz i'm not a dumbass and i wouldnt kill myself (even though theres been "dark days" where it has seemed like my best option). but still i'll bitch and moan along the way. and i'm not really a complainer. but can you blame me? you all know what its like on the disabled side of the fence; whether through person experience or by choice (like garysmiling).

i guess i just have to find purpose again. and find nice people that look beyond this. beauty is never skin deep right?

thanks guys, i'll be posting more on here now because of you guys

keep on rollin

Hey, I know how you feel. I had just turned 18 when I had mine, in fact Friday was my 23rd "anniversary". My friends all drifted away dating except one who was gay. He is still one of my great friends and has been for all that time. Thing is, don't have any prejudices when it comes to friends (not that you say or I think you do) as you are now a member of a different group of society and people who are also diverse may feel more comfortable being friends with you as they have probably experienced discrimination themselves.

Read, read and read this site, if this had been around when I had my injury it would probably have taken nowhere near as long to get adjusted, I feel I have learnt more about myself and my condition on here than my whole time injured before here. These days, you can do almost anything you set your mind to and in some ways it can improve your life (better parking for a start, great for Christmas shopping). Nomis said, be yourself, I can't agree more. For years I tried to put the tough act on by trying to prove myself, restoring cars, stripping them down and rebuilding them, building things. I was effectively building walls around myself. Get out there and do something you want to do and socialise. Build up your confidence and communication skills because people love to be around happy, confident people.

Remember, you aren't complaining, you're confiding, that is all most posts are on this site and you'll find advice from sex to motorbikes to how to talk to your partner about your injury. If you don't find the answer, start a post, like you did. Some poor schmuck has probably been through it before and can give you advice if you ask. Remember, tough guys don't cry, SO DON"T BE ONE!
Take Care
Slowlegs

Edited by Slowlegs, 20 December 2008 - 08:52 PM.

[Rjeez]

I know what you mean.I only got paralysed 10 months ago(April 08),and for about the first six months,it didn't seem to bother me at all.Actually,it was a bit of a novelty.But just lately,i'm starting to realise what,not what paralysed means,but what for the rest of my life means.Time seems to educate you about its nature harshly.

I was told that it takes about 6 months before it starts to sink in,and about 2 years before you get your head around it.For me,the problems didn't really start until I met someone.It wasn't long before that I am different than any other boyfriend that she has had before.And it was only when I met her that I became bothered about the loss of senation from the waste down.You know what I mean.(In fact,the loss of feeling bothers me more than not being able to walk.But that's another issue.)

I've been asking myself the same question myself.Am I normal to feel depressed,less than others,particularly other guys?I find myself embarressed asking myself the question,"Am I less of a man than others?"I need to know,because I don't want to hear the polite answer,if you know what I mean.Anyway,it's good to have a site like this,where others do understand,and I am not wondering what others think about me.

Self-image can be a bastard,and I am definatley not a hero.I am too weak to be a hero,but I don't want to stop trying.Just tell me what I am going through is normal,and eventually,my problems will just be like any other AB's,and they can be worked through.Everyone has their own personal problems.Mine are no worse than anyone elses,or I haven't got any more,just different.

[Slowlegs]

Rjeez, on Feb 8 2009, 07:31 PM, said:

I've been asking myself the same question myself.Am I normal to feel depressed,less than others,particularly other guys?I find myself embarressed asking myself the question,"Am I less of a man than others?"I need to know,because I don't want to hear the polite answer,if you know what I mean.

Good point, I'd just like to add to what Rjeez said, Most men can father a child but not every man that can father a child can be a good father to a child. There are many males out there who have very superficial ideas of what it means to be a man. They aren't all about women, whisky, sports, external toughness and sex. Rambo was strong but man was he screwed up! Hollywood and the advertising industry unfortunately tries to play on our insecurities and creates stereotypes to make money. Don't believe the hype. There's so much more to "being a man" than is portrayed by them.

[E-DOG]

Rjeez, on Feb 8 2009, 10:31 AM, said:

I've been asking myself the same question myself.Am I normal to feel depressed,less than others,particularly other guys?I find myself embarressed asking myself the question,"Am I less of a man than others?"I need to know,because I don't want to hear the polite answer,if you know what I mean.Anyway,it's good to have a site like this,where others do understand,and I am not wondering what others think about me.

If it's what's below your belt that makes you a man, then yes, you are now less of a man.
Feel better now?
Didn't think so.

I've known lots of boys who could father lots of children. At the end of the day, they were still just boys.
I've known lots of men who could father not even one. But they were men indeed. Some even commanded my respect, and to do that, quite the man you must be.

Honor, responsibility, doing the right thing instead of the easy thing, these are the traits of a man.
Standards over which paralysis has no holds. These and others like them are the stuff of which men are made and measured.
Not how big your cock is, or how well it works.

The profound desire to make the women in your life feel better than they've ever felt before is "manly".
And here's the good part. Ya don't need a dick to do it!
I've known guys with ten inches (functional) who's only selfish desire was to get themselves off. They were boys.

If at the end of the day you can lay your head on the pillow and say to yourself you did all you could to take the high road instead of the low,
you will upon awakening be able to display a "manly bearing" without lying. To others, or yourself.

E-dog

[nomis]

Rjeez, on Feb 9 2009, 07:31 AM, said:

I find myself embarressed asking myself the question,"Am I less of a man than others?"I need to know,because I don't want to hear the polite answer,if you know what I mean.

That's also been a question I've asked over the years. (Does 2 of us make it normal?)
For a factual answer check your X and Y chromosomes. As for the emotional response, there isn't really an answer. I can recall situations when I was with a girl and some male, usually known to me, would confidently storm up to steal the girl from me. Sometimes they did and I didn't feel too manly about it at the time.

I have to admit when I first heard I'd got my wife pregnant I felt my manliness had been confirmed. But the truth is that if that didn't happen I'd still be the same person with the same name.

Now that me and my life are slowing down I can take a more subjective overview of my life and the man-woman thing seems so over-rated. To be a man means to have an image in your mind of how you think you should be or behave. That image is the product of advertising and other external influences like family and friends. Yep, it's probably bullshit.

But, I suspect you're gonna let it worry you for a bit longer yet so go ahead and discover yourself till you're satisfied.

[E-DOG]

nomis, on Feb 10 2009, 03:13 AM, said:

I can recall situations when I was with a girl and some male, usually known to me, would confidently storm up to steal the girl from me. Sometimes they did and I didn't feel too manly about it at the time.

IMHO anyone who would do that to a paraplegic is far less of a man than you, nomis.

As I say, jusy my opinion, two cents, etc.
E

[SpeedyBK]

Hey Crazy,

I really understand and stuff gets better than worse again it's part of it. I've had the girls and they cheat and I've had the ones that just run, it's hard i know but i know your worth it and you know that too. I've tried to end it and that wasn't what I'm suppose to do either. We are all here for some reason you believe in a higher power or not we still have our own reason we are here. I don't want and pity you or you to pity me but you just dust yourself off and keep going forward k.

Best of luck,
SpeedyBK