10 replies to this topic

[Sammie]

Those who have come to know my situation are aware that I am in the ab half of a relationship with a great man that I consider my best friend and true soul mate. I am very happy with what we share- we laugh alot, we are very intimate, and I am lucky enough to be with someone that I can be myself in every aspect without fear of being judged, criticized or "dumped". I know in my heart that he feels the same about me, and he has told me as much many times.
When we first started out, my involvement with "assistance" etc was very limited by his choice. He systematically let me become more involved in doing things with him (not "for" him", but decided that he wanted to focus on our relationship foundation and kept his program process with his current caretaker for now. Other than that we do most everything together as a team.
My issue is solely with me- I would never ever leave him, cheat on him, or betray him, but I find myself missing some things that never seemed important before this so I am not sure why- I miss dancing, I miss certain sexual positions even though I am fully satisfied with all the many things we do.
Life with him is wonderful (we dont live together but have multiple day stayovers at his home often- there is a geographical challenge right now that prevents more), but there is something during those times we are together that is difficult for me- not badly enough affect "us" but tough on me at times- he has things set up in a way that works for him and that makes total sense, but there are times that his instruction for tasks is so detailed and so much I feel like I am totally inept, even though I am a fully self sufficient and intelligent person. I am so unnerved at times that I feel like most everything I do might be wrong- I will forget to put the arm down on his chair before putting the foot rest on; or I will put the washcloth on the front part of the sink instead of the back and his arm gets wet when he gets a glass of water. He NEVER puts me down, never says anything derogatory, in fact he speaks very kindly to me. I feel like I am not doing right by him and get so worked up at moments that he can tell I am minutes from being a crybaby because I dont want to let him down, and he usually says something really supportive or makes jokes to pull me out of it.
I have learned that being a caretaker for amployment and being there for somone specific in a living situation is totally different, and I might as well not have had the background I have for all it has helped me.
My question is this- what is going on with me? I have no intentions of ending this relationship and never will, I do not feel unhappy with him or with us, so why am I having all these feelings? Is something wrong with me?

[kdenon01]

No one is perfect.

I am my husband's full-time caregiver. And I still mess up. lol Every now and then I will forget to put his shoes on, put his toothpaste out of reach, forget his "special" fork at home, etc. etc. I just have gotten used to the fact that if I forget one little thing, it's not the end of the world. My hubby always tells me that he isn't a porcelain doll. In the beginning I was stressed too, because I treated him like he was really fragile. I think you will settle in, and feel a lot more comfortable.

As far as missing stuff. This still happens to me alllll the time. But you have to look on the bright side. We are very blessed to have found eachother, and to have made it through everything together. We are very happy now. Happier than I have ever been. With time it has gotten easier for us to move on with our new lives.

[Missy6]

Hey Sammie,

At times I get all the same thoughts, I feel stupid, when I'm doing wrong, feel like I'm not paying enough attention, when my BF has to explain, how to do this or that for the 50th time... And then I feel like a total a**h**** when I think of things that would be possible without the injury, just like dancing. And sometimes I feel like an idiot, when I wonder, if my BF can do this or that.
Though I'm pretty new to all this, I realise, that those feelings are normal and the only way to go is the one in written in your signature here - we have to learn, grow and love, nothing else.
Give yourself time - you partner is obviously giving it to you, explore the life together, enjoy the learning, enjoy to find out what you both can do, it's more than you can imagine and then - enjoy the outcome!

[E-DOG]

In Mexico, they say, " no te fijas en pequenadas, el mundo es grande!"
It means don't fixate on the little shit, the world is big.

First you mention little things you miss, dancing, certain sexual positions. Minor irritants easily brushed aside.
Then you talk about minor discrepencies in the care you give him, forgotten arm rest, improperly place washcloth. Tiny details easily rectified.
Lastly, the overly detailed instructions causing you to feel inept. Again, something minor, easily gotten around.

Maybe parts of the relationship have grown stagnant and these tiny annoyances are manifesting themselves as a way to let you know it.
Perhaps a little chit chat with yer beau is in order. These hicups are quickly enough fixed, but are the symptoms of a bigger problem. Maybe.

Communication plus honesty are major keys to a good relationship. Grab a sixpack and a bag of chips, have a huddle with yer ol' man, see what he says. From the sounds of it, yall have a great thing going here.

Stack enough "little shit" on top of it'self and ya got a big giant pile o' doo doo. Stinks to high heaven and the stain it leaves takes years to scrub away.
I'm certainly no therapist, having a brain the size of a peanut, but maybe I've hit on a point or two that might be worth taking a look at.

E-dog

[Nickleblue]

Hi sammy - sounds like your doing everything fine to me. whats wrong with you?-absolutely nothing. your just a little overly protective/concerned and who wouldnt be? - i think this is a natural stage your going through although ive never been there myself (i am AB - not nor ever been in a relationship with someone with SCI a friend has SCI).
I am concerned for her "ALL" the time - the slightest little thing and im having to check myself... a carrier bag gets blown under her motorized chair - i have to kick myself into "NOT" automatically picking it up (how would she deal with it if i wasnt there? like i havent been for the past 38 years of her life)..
same with ALOT of things... she got on the bus last night a guy "moved" her chair slightly - mentally im going ballistic...a) thats an expensive chair thats a lass I care about but other then give him a mouth full. what "can" you do? without making the other person feel "Unable/small"...
Im guessing these are "passing phases" too. - I remind myself daily LIR is an independanty capable young women - Im guessing your fella is too (a capable young man!)...
Keep smiling
sounds to me like your doing great,.
Gary.

[Quad65]

Listen to Dr. 'Dog, he speaketh Trvth.

You're agonizing over trivialities. Your BF may be a bit anal about having everything 'just so' around his place. Understandable, but he may need to lighten up some.

You both must be honest and ask yourselves if these little things are really important. Or as Dr. 'Dog says, are they a symptom of a growing underlying problem that's starting to surface. Time to sit down and have some Straight Talk. Make sure you are discussing issues and not topics. They sound the same, but they are not. Topics are usually the minor things that people argue over instead of the underlying issue.


A hypothetical: Say you have a blow-up over how the tooth-paste is squeezed out of the tube. It may be that one of you is pissed and feel the other is an inconsiderate A-hole. That serious issue is avoided by picking a fight over tooth-paste squeezing techniques. It's just a trigger to vent while not having a serious talk about the real problem and hurt feelings. On one level, you feel better blowing off steam, but you haven't really fixed anything. Time to get real, kids.

[qbounce]

On a different light, I think your just being hard on yourself . . . . probably a perfectionist in every sense of the word. If the slightest thing doesn't run to the "T" you get on yourself about it.

Give yourself a BREAK. And, like others here have said, "Don't sweat the little things."

By the way, keep in mind your BF only lists things for you in the same manner he's done for other not-so-adept carer's in the past. I'm sure he knows you are the exception, so stop overexamining his intentions, give yourself room for error, and . . . . oh yah, have more sex!!--hehe

[skinnylatte]

I can relate. Sometimes I beat myself up over the small stuff, too. I usually realize that there's something that I'm just sad about and making a big deal out of the little things is a symptom of that. I have told my fiance of my issues like this. He knows if I start apologizing for tiny little things, that I just need a pep talk! Maybe you just need a little encouragement - that you CAN do this. It is tough. It's not for everyone. But it is so worth it when you zoom out and look at the person you're with and how he has blessed your life and all of the things you are still able to enjoy together.

Chin up! And maybe just let him know you get down every now and then and you need a little pep talk!

[Sammie]

OK SO HERE IS THE RESULT of all your wonderful and candid responses to my question. I DID have a talk with him and shared what I was feeling. Regarding the things I missed he said that he understood and that it was normal as you all have said to miss what you know if you dont know what you'll gain. He asked me to think about the importance of the things I missed and be sure that they were not more important than the relationship we were building. Obviously they are not- I can dance around in the living room in front of him if I need to dance that bad etc.
Then we talked about how I was feeling about not "getting the routine down fast enough and efficiently enough" and as some of you implied I AM a perfectionist and was expecting more from me than he was from me- He talked about being aware of tone and how it can be misunderstood, and admitted that he was being overly leading about details that were not really important. We agreed to work on our respective focus and keep working on having fun and appreciating us.

The reason I share this is so that others can benefit too- you all gave me the nudge I needed to pull up my big girl panties and just talk to him, and let him know what I needed and felt and wanted, and that it was not selfish to do so- You also gave me some insite about myself which I badly needed. I am, because of history one that waits for the other shoe to drop- and I am coming to realize it doesn't have to every time- By talking to him about how I feel and not about what he needs to do different making him feel defensive- he came to the same conclusions on his own, AND helped me to feel better about me.

YOU are ALL a wonderful and very intuitive group of people and I am so blessed to have you around! Pretty smart group- thank you so much!

[DrLove]

Sammie, on Dec 22 2008, 03:20 AM, said:

Those who have come to know my situation are aware that I am in the ab half of a relationship with a great man that I consider my best friend and true soul mate. I am very happy with what we share- we laugh alot, we are very intimate, and I am lucky enough to be with someone that I can be myself in every aspect without fear of being judged, criticized or "dumped". I know in my heart that he feels the same about me, and he has told me as much many times.
When we first started out, my involvement with "assistance" etc was very limited by his choice. He systematically let me become more involved in doing things with him (not "for" him", but decided that he wanted to focus on our relationship foundation and kept his program process with his current caretaker for now. Other than that we do most everything together as a team.
My issue is solely with me- I would never ever leave him, cheat on him, or betray him, but I find myself missing some things that never seemed important before this so I am not sure why- I miss dancing, I miss certain sexual positions even though I am fully satisfied with all the many things we do.
Life with him is wonderful (we dont live together but have multiple day stayovers at his home often- there is a geographical challenge right now that prevents more), but there is something during those times we are together that is difficult for me- not badly enough affect "us" but tough on me at times- he has things set up in a way that works for him and that makes total sense, but there are times that his instruction for tasks is so detailed and so much I feel like I am totally inept, even though I am a fully self sufficient and intelligent person. I am so unnerved at times that I feel like most everything I do might be wrong- I will forget to put the arm down on his chair before putting the foot rest on; or I will put the washcloth on the front part of the sink instead of the back and his arm gets wet when he gets a glass of water. He NEVER puts me down, never says anything derogatory, in fact he speaks very kindly to me. I feel like I am not doing right by him and get so worked up at moments that he can tell I am minutes from being a crybaby because I dont want to let him down, and he usually says something really supportive or makes jokes to pull me out of it.
I have learned that being a caretaker for amployment and being there for somone specific in a living situation is totally different, and I might as well not have had the background I have for all it has helped me.
My question is this- what is going on with me? I have no intentions of ending this relationship and never will, I do not feel unhappy with him or with us, so why am I having all these feelings? Is something wrong with me?

I do not think that it is something wrong with you-just give youself time and be patient with yourself to learn to do the things "his way"-you can not literally be in his position - feel or not feel and do the things he used to learn how to do- as necessary adjustments to lifestyle while being in a wheelchair.

Do not be too harsh on yourself...give it a time .You have everything you need to be happy and I wish both of you best of luck and love!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS

[Sammie]

Hello everyone! I did not realize this forum had so many members, and so many would address my question! Thank you to all of you so much for your support. If you read through the many replies most carried the same theme and you are all right- I was personalizing his comments as criticism and then trying to fix it... once I explained that I was feeling inept and that I was letting him down, he still does the same thing, but now he preceeds it with "can I show you something" or "I just need to tell you why...." I really appreciate his efforts in being aware of my feelings. I also admitted that being a perfectionist towards myself AND hypersensitive most times, I should know that he did not think badly of me but the heart knows what the heart thinks it knows.
I have actually come a long way since I posted this question....the other night after a full day of "entertaining each other off and on all day" I was so exhausted I just wanted to lay down. I helped him into bed kissed him and walked around to my side of the bed only to have him say "ah, Honey, I dont want to upset you but my shoes are still on..." We laughed so hard (it wasnt that funny but it was at the time) and in the past before reading all the advise and having the conversation with him I would have been mortified that it happened. THANK YOU ALL... (and yes, I did get his shoes off and then it took another half hour to get rid of the giggles....ahh the good times )