16 replies to this topic

[Diane27]

I am in a hard situation…like most of you on here…and was hoping that somebody might have some advice to offer.

My ex and I had been together for several years and were living together for the majority of our relationship. I always thought he would be the man I married. For a while, things were rocky at best and I suppose that explains why he is my ex. He was the one to call it off, said he was tired of working through our problems and he no longer loved me. Looking for a fresh start, I almost immediately ended up moving to another state for work. One month after I left he was in an accident and is now an incomplete C6.

I will not get into the extent of his condition as I’m not sure if it is relevant to my question. My problem lies in what I’m supposed to do now.

He and I talk on the phone almost every day. However, 6 weeks into his injury I have not yet made the trip to visit him in the rehabilitation hospital. It’s not that I can’t find the time, it’s that I’m not sure if I can find the strength. I’ve explained to him that the reason I have not come to see him is because I still love him, and despite his injury (or even having a realistic understanding of his injury outside of his explanations and the internet) there is still a part of me that wants and hopes that things will work out between us and we could possibly get back together. He claims to understand and keeps telling me that I have to take care of myself, do what I think is right and that when I feel that I’m ready to see him that he knows I’ll be there.

I feel like I’m still grieving the relationship we had separate from his injury. Do I suck it up, pretend like everything is OK and just go see him because I love him? Am I being too selfish in letting my hurt from a recent breakup stop me from completely being there for him? I feel like if it wasn’t for his injury I would be trying to move on with my life. This man told me several times that he no longer loved me. Am I just setting myself up to be hurt if I try to help him? And if I do it anyway, do you think it would be counterproductive to his recovery/rehabilitation?

[Missy6]

I think, you're doing right being there for him to a certain extent that doesn't hurt you too much.

[Trinity]

Hi Diane

I think I can relate to what you are saying a bit, I was in a long term relationship about a couple of months after we split up I went through a big rough patch, losing a friend who was very close to me. As son as my ex found out he got back in contact and was unbelievably sweet and supportive. He was my shoulder to cry on. Neither of us wanted to rekindle the relationship, after 5 yrs it was obvious that was not going to work, but just knowing he was there a huge help to me.

I guess what I'm saying is, you probably know this guy better than anyone else in the world and still share a bond. Try and be there for him, make sure it's clear to yourself and to him that you are there as a friend.

Good luck and happy Christmas!
Trin xxx

[JesseB]

I agree with trinity, just because you guys broke up, doesnt mean you can't pay him a visit as a friend.

When I was still in rehab, and when my friends came to visit it was a huge help.

[topperf]

Go and see him - he needs all the support he can get, but remember if he wants to get back together again, to be very careful.
He needs you now and has discovered the hard way who in the world knows him best, but 12-18 months from now he might figure out that he wants his "independence back" and by then you're gonna have to start all over again..
Be there as his friend - think about this if he wants you back in his life.

Merry x-mas to both of you.

Thomas.

[YYZ]

I say do not go see him. Talk to him occasionally on the phone, but do not rekindle anything with him. If you talk everyday you are going to get emotionally messed up. Call me stupid, but if someone flat-out tells me that they don't love me anymore, that's it--I'm moving on. I know you probably feel some sort of obligation, but don't. Be a friend, and that's it. You don't owe this guy anything anymore. It was his call, and he let you go.

That is what a rational person would do. What you do, is completely up to you. You will probably ignore what I'm telling you, so I won't tell you I told you so when you come back here in months, or maybe a year, saying you gave up everything to help this guy and he is being a total jerk. His physical situation may have changed, but he is still the same guy. You may have to get hurt again to learn that lesson.

YYZ

Edited by YYZ, 24 December 2008 - 04:43 PM.

[qbounce]

Unfortunately, I'm with YYZ on this one. I divorced my wife just before my accident. She felt guilty when I got hurt for ''not being there'' for me, so she came and stood by my side. We grew close again, for awhile. We even put a cancel on the divorce after she moved back in. But the old problems reared themselves up once more and caused many more problems on top of the NEW issues I still had to face post injury.

One year later, and we totally broke it off again, but for good this time. Don't delay the inevitable. You'll probably only hurt each other, but definately yourself. Again, remember HE called it off!!! Why go back to the notion that, when he's more stable and can quite possibly be completely independant at his injury level, he may eventually turn on you again.

Stick with long distance phone calls for awhile. Then, see how it goes before uprooting yourself all over.

[Sammie]

My two cents: You had issues before the accident and will have greater challenges now that he has a new life to learn and alot of emotional roads to travel himself. I do believe that when you can, be very clear that you care and will come to be with him as someone who is important to you but in no way as someone wanting to rekindle a relationship. Tell him you want to be there for him as he learns new things and and goes through things because you would hope that he would have done the same for you, and that you know his focus needs to be on his recovery, growth and learning. That out of the way, if he understands and agrees do just that for him as you are able.
He will be going through a lot of emotions, changes and relearning many things. My BF told me the emotional roller coaster he rode when first injured and it is incredible. He went from being really depressed, to resigning himself to just living it out, to actually taking some chances in life to living a really full and satisfying life. That man has had more GF before me than many ab men I know- I can tell you on a side note just to keep in mind though that based on what my BF has told me about how he was as a man/person before his accident 28 years ago, and how he is as a man/person today, I would not have given the "old" him a second glance- he was wild, a risk taker, player etc and the man I know if compassionate, logical, a planner, full of life, fun, and great appreciation for each day we share together. THIS man is who I love, and I am forever greatful for that man. Some day down the road once your ex's life settles into a comfortable place you may see a new man develop that you mesh with wonderfully, and since you will be there as his friend and support network, you may get the opportunity to find out. Be aware that there is an anger period that has nothing to do with you but his situation as most injured go through their brand of grieving at the loss of what they knew and the change and how it was etc. Supoort is not just about the good times it is understanding the tough times. You have to do what you know is best for you and for him, and only you know what that is , I am just sharing my thoughts with you. Best of luck and Happy Holidays.

[Sammie]

YYZ< I just wanted to say that for the most part I agree with you, but there are always exceptions. My guy by his own admissions and his families tales, was a total wild guy before his accident- leading to his accident. He cared about the thrill of adventure, the chase of the chick, and living in the moment. This same man now (28 years after his accident) is caring, compassionate, a planner, very much the nurturer in his life, and is the person that I have come to love. I would not have ever given him a second glance before his accident, yet in our life today we are so well matched, I cant imagine him not in my life.
Sometimes you get the same guy in a different way. In this gal's case I tend to agree that he may be reaching out to her because he is scared and needs someone and something familiar around. I am more concerned for her going back into his life with him newly going through his changes from the accident and all the emotions, reactions etc that go with that on top of the unresolved baggage between them. Tough road for both of them.

Edited by Sammie, 24 December 2008 - 07:48 PM.

[araitn]

topperf, on Dec 24 2008, 11:09 AM, said:

Go and see him - he needs all the support he can get, but remember if he wants to get back together again, to be very careful.
He needs you now and has discovered the hard way who in the world knows him best, but 12-18 months from now he might figure out that he wants his "independence back" and by then you're gonna have to start all over again..
Be there as his friend - think about this if he wants you back in his life.

Merry x-mas to both of you.

Thomas.

I'm with topper on this one. I think he needs your support now, but be very careful and thoughtful about resuming the relationship.

[kdenon01]

Yeah, you should def. not feel obligated to go and see him. Things will only be MORE difficult now because of his injury.

[dancin' johnny]

All I can say is, yes, go and see him.

It would weird me out if you never showed, he may start thinking too deeply about that fact when he needs to be thinking about what he wants to be doing.
I think he is no state to be making any decisions about relationships.

I could have, and time has shown me I'm glad I didn't.
I have however, told a girl that I loved so dearly that I didn't love her, for some stupid male pride reason.
Some men daren't say what they mean.



Diane why not visit, phone less and let it thaw, then see what happens.

Sci changes everybody differently and some not at all. The man that he finds may be the love of your life or the laziest asshole you ever knew!

seasons wishes,

Johnny

[Missy6]

dancin' johnny, on Dec 25 2008, 06:48 AM, said:

Sci changes everybody differently and some not at all. The man that he finds may be the love of your life or the laziest asshole you ever knew!

I'm sorry if I am misunderstanding something, but doesn't that sound exactly like "I'll stay with him, because I feel sorry for him" - just from the opposite point of view? I might have no idea about SCI, but I'm familiar with the psychology and effects of life changing events.
Reading all the replies I still have to say - don't go if you think, that a visit would wake hopes, would hurt you!

[Ches]

Me and the long term lover broke up just 3 months before my accident. I was the one that stood up and said the love was gone. We were done. No intentions of even being friends, cause he was so hurt. Once in the hospital he asked to come see me... it was up to me. Feeling grateful just to be alive I said sure. It was good to see him, good to know he still cared. We never tried to work things out, although he still lets me know he's 'down'. But Im not.. Point is.. despite the break up, we were both just so happy I was alive, all the hard feelings were tossed out and we pretty much patched up what had went so terribly wrong.

If there's a chance youre strong enough to handle this.. (not the sci, but the love) then go see him. Let him know how you feel, and do realize that this man has been through some severe trauma.. He may seem the same, but he's not. Some ppl are thrilled to be alive and always perky, some end up miserable.. and some just need a while to realize the reality of it all before getting back to their old mentality. Its too soon to know. Protect your heart, but cherish the times you had and the friendship that can come of it.

Like Trin said, chances are you two know each other better than anyone else knows you. The support factor is obvious.

Good Luck!

Edited by Ches, 25 December 2008 - 08:27 PM.

[edlee]

If you weren't going back if he weren't injured,,,,,, why in the world would you go back the way it is?????

Stay the hell away from this guy,,,, for both your sakes!!!!!

Things, for him, are in flux right now,,, and for the foreseeable future.... Don't screw up his life any worse.....

You were looking for opinions,,,,,, there's mine.
ed

[Diane27]

Thanks to all of you who offered inisight and opinions....

[JT80]

i say go see him.
you were close for a reason, and while other emotions may have taken over, support from people of importance in your life is of comfort in difficult times.
maybe think of it this way - in time would you be more likely to regret going or not going? i know which i'd find more likely....but, up to you..