[hurbshankin]

This is what's been rambling through my head lately.

I don't know if it's the holidays or what? But, I have been having a rough go of it lately.

Pre-SCI, I was the type of individual that nothing came easy. Whether it was academic or physical, I had to bust my hump to be successful, at anything. I had gotten to the point in my life where I knew I could count on my hardwork to get me through and be successful.

Well, here I am. A year and a half post injury. I've busted my ass in therapy, got back in kayak, got back in a four-wheeler, got back to work, made all kinds of "strides" a quad is supposed to be happy about. Yet, all these so-called accomplishments have done nothing to improve my mental state, which is of absolute desperation. Desperate to live as and be my former self. All this hard work and no real reward.

I find myself with no real friends to talk to. Everyone has questions, but no responses. Except for "yeah", "huh", "that sucks". Even my wife has no response. I know, talk to a professional.. I know what they'll say, "Focus on the positive". What Positive? My body is broken. I'm a physical person, always have been. The attempts I make at enjoying physical activity always leaves me disappointed. I'm tired of the computer, TV and other lame activities I am confined to doing. I so long for the rush of snowboarding, mt. biking, really kayaking, really 4-wheelin', hiking, building, carpentry, creating with my hands, playing guitar, playing hand drums, driving, riding a sport-bike, water-skiing, cliff-diving, body-surfing, swimming, being spontaneous. This life of quadriplegia is not for me. The thought of never being able to experience the thrills I used to is devastating.

I'm trying and making the best effort I can. I am so dependent on others for just daily living, let alone doing activities. I want to be considerate of those that help, typically my wife, I often don't ask for assistance in what I want to do. Mainly because my wife barely has any time for herself I don't want to monopolize her "spare" time.

I apologize if I offend anyone. I think you're full of it if you think dealing wth an SCI is the same as AB's dealing with life.

Hurb

[airart1]

just think about what u said for a few minutes, there is nothing u said that anyone on this web site does not go thru EVERY single day............u just have to deal with it...........thats your only choice or the bullet to brain thing, i think i'll deal with it........be thankful for what u got because u could be 6 ft under and no one would give a rats ass about you in a year...........

[airart1]

hell u even got a wife thart puts up with ya, damn thats worth more than u think, think about when she packs her shit because she tyired of hearing u wine! Sounds to me like u got it pretty damn good, i know people that dont eat everyday because they have no money because they cant get a job because there in a wheelchair and have degrees.............quit your bitchin and enjoy your life............

[BillS]

I always think of it this way. The rest of the world gets to play the game in easy mode, we have to play it on hard. Yes it's tougher for us in so many ways but it's the hand we were dealt and we just have to live with it.

hurbshankin, on Dec 26 2008, 01:25 PM, said:

I think you're full of it if you think dealing wth an SCI is the same as AB's dealing with life.

I don't think anyone is going to say that having an SCI is the same as being AB. It's tough and we have to be tough to get through it.

This post has been edited by BillS: 26 December 2008 - 06:48 PM

[hurbshankin]

airart1, on Dec 26 2008, 01:37 PM, said:

hell u even got a wife thart puts up with ya, damn thats worth more than u think, think about when she packs her shit because she tyired of hearing u wine! Sounds to me like u got it pretty damn good, i know people that dont eat everyday because they have no money because they cant get a job because there in a wheelchair and have degrees.............quit your bitchin and enjoy your life............

If you read my post you'd have realized I am quite considerate of my wife, I don't whine. I came here looking for some real advice.

I am curious. Did you spend better than 20 years (approx 2/3 of my life) focusing on a career, honing a skill only to have some ignorant asshole take it all away? Next time you use your hands think of me.

Hurb

[KarenFerguson]

Here's hubby's perspective on this (he's a C5/6 injured for 13 years):

There are tons of things I'd love to do on a daily basis, that are now out of reach (hiking, waking along the beach ...etc.)

You can actually accomplish quite a bit with out the full use of your hands, it just takes a lot more time and patience (believe me). Right after my accident I never thought I'd be able to draw or paint again but after years of effort I can draw just as well as I did before, it just takes twice as long. I think the first 2 years following an injury are the hardest. After just 18 months I was still figuring out my "new" body.

As far as physical activity goes, before my accident I loved playing hockey. There was nothing else in the world I would rather do than strap on my skates and shoot the puck around. Not being able to play kills me but I just had to accept that that was something I could no longer do. The closest I've come to the thrill of playing hockey since my accident was playing quad rugby. If you get the chance I recommend getting involved in the sport. Even though I wasn't the fastest guy out there (in fact I was one of the slowest), just being around other quads was a great experience.

You mentioned snow boarding and water skiing: there are adaptive forms of each of these activities available. If you haven't already, I suggest giving them a try.

Check out my website as well.

This post has been edited by KarenFerguson: 26 December 2008 - 11:42 PM

[wheeliebear75]

Well at times I feel a lot like a baby not being able to be alone for very long, and having to have everyone else keep track of anything important FOR ME. Here we all have different obstacles. We do have to work much harder for everything......even getting dressed to go out somewhere can take a ton of planning and effort. But since we can only change so much.....one of the few things we can change is how we look at things. I used to cry every time I saw somebody on TV surfing or skiing.........but after a while it stopped stinking quite as much. I don't think any of us have found a happy pill. You are blessed that your wife has stuck around. And yes it is a huge difference between the way life used to be vs. now after SCI. The only thing that those of us have learned through the years is that we have to pick and choose our battles and we have to "make the best of it". Yes it sucks BIG TIME, and I'm not going to pretend that my situation is the same........only that we all feel like we have gotten a raw deal. You're not alone in your wish to be more physically active, or wishing you didn't need to depend on others, and you're not alone for feeling overwhelmed or saddened. But I think all we CAN do is keep trying to make the best of things and the best of life.

I wasn't offended.....just hope you feel the same way about my response.

[E-DOG]

Well gee hurb,
Ain't we just a ray o' f*@king sunshine!
And a happy dappy holiday season to you!

Karen's hubby..
There are tons of things I'd love to do on a daily basis, that are now out of reach (hiking, waking along the beach ...etc.)

"Out of reach" I like that.

Hurb, a few months after I turned 50 I was suddenly faced with the inability to walk. At over 300 pounds, I could barely transfer, change my own clothes, wipe my butt. I could clean up an involuntary but it took me 1-2 hours to do it.

Lazy as I was, I didn't miss walking that much. But I gotta admit, this "no legs deal" does make gettin' around a bit tough. An' shit, the Tango lessons
I'd just finished paying for? Dang, talk about yer can o' worms! Try getting a gay Argentine dance instructor to understand "But I can't even walk anymore!" All he kept saying was "OH, my big, beautiful American dancing boy, you can do it for ME!"

Let's not even talk about the women. AH, the women. They were everywhere. Hundreds of 'em. All gone now. Back to their husbands and boyfriends. Back to the lackluster, banal sexlives they'd grown to hate, having spent a few precious hours with E-dog, "the king of sexual perversity", I mean diversity.

Did I tell you I was a famous race-car driver? Oh yeh. An astronaut too. All gone hurb. Down the drain along with my multi-million dollar trust fund.
Mommy says "If you can't walk, how can you be trusted to get me my Cuban boy toys when I need them?" as she takes another slug of generic vodka,
then spits tobbacco juice in my face.

Ah, only a mother's love, eh hurb? You know what I mean, big guy.
And I know what YOU mean.
Life is a mo-fo and that's a fact. But what are ya gonna do? Gotta keep on keepin' on.
Or ya might as well just scratch it, as my drill instructor used to say.

Hope our little chit chat here helps a bit.
Otherwise, handguns can be purchased cheap at any gun show around town. I'm sure the wife would be happy to take you to one. Just tell her you've found a new hobby, collecting the guns that killed famous people!

E-dog

[nomis]

A year and a half post injury - I reckon that's a good time to get pissed off. Still early enough to vividly recall the things you've enjoyed in your life and not long enough to have replaced them with something that fits your new reality.

It's good to hear you're the type who has to work hard for what he achieves, Hurb. I can identify with that. So you'll know that from time to time you hit a plateau where you can consolidate and grumble before the next move forward.

As you know, you've now got a whole new game of life on your hands. And as a grinder you'll eventually make a good job of it - so you might as well give in now and start enjoying the day before it's gone.

And, yup, I'm full of it. Plenty more where this crap came from. I allow myself this crap cos I've been in a similar space (more than once) to where you were when you wrote the above and I'm so bloody relieved that things eventually changed for the better - and since I worked for it, I deserve it.

[wheelywendy]

18mths post injury is about when i hit rock bottom, memories of what you used to be able to do still so clear in your mind, up to the 18mths mark everyone rallyed round, urging you to push yourself but by this point people gradually dwindle back to their own affairs leaving you stranded and alone with your thoughts, the intensive therapys start to fall by the wayside, you get told this is it as good as it gets, no wonder you feel so low, but at the end of the day you have two choices, (choices only you can make), you sink like the captain with his sinking ship, or you jump overborad and swim grabbing every obstacle you meet on the way with gusto and determination!
I'm not going to pretend its easy, we all have our ups and our downs, but its up to the individual to grab the bull by the horns and make the most of what life throws at them! so come on Hurb sink or swim? dont let them darn sharks get you kick that butt into gear and move forward, you can do it but you need to want to

This post has been edited by wheelywendy: 27 December 2008 - 12:03 PM

[noles1984]

I wish my injury were C6-C7 but it's not so I'm stuck in bed. The holidays? My wife just passed away 2 weeks ago on Dec. 13th unexpectedly. She was right here in our bedroom and I didn't know she passed away. She just laid down for a nap. No phone close enough so I emailed for help and got help 2 hours later. Now I find myself in turmoil. I don't know what will happen to me. I'm struggling... I have my wife's aunt and sister pitching in temporarily while I try to get assistance to stay in my house. Yeah, I've been paralyzed for 34 years but now it seems worse than just after my injury. I have online friends and neighbors peek in on me. Put yourself in my shoes or underpad and I think you will see you have a lot going for you.

This post has been edited by noles1984: 27 December 2008 - 02:01 PM

[topperf]

Hurb - I'm 18 months post as you are, I could easily have written the exact same post as you just did (easily is a lie, typing is still difficult)- I to profoundly miss my old life - my old skills I worked my lifetime to achieve - the sex (yeah yeah, no it's not gone, it's just more fun when you have skin sensation and throw in some movement now and then, a bit like life in general)
and basically everything else you mentioned. (Surfing, snowboarding, etc etc.)

What I'm saying is, you're not alone. What Noles is saying is, it could be worse. What Dawg is saying is, it all boils down to, either you get busy dying or you get busy living...

And none of our words matter shit on a day like this - so fuggit - but hang in there while you do so.

[Izziwhizzi]

Hurb

Many people have been tough on you, and thats just crazy. We've all been where you are, or if we haven't, we'll get there one day soon. Life as a quad is full of mountains to climb.

I think those memories of the 'lost you' have to be stored in a special place - to be visited only when you have the strength and can face it. Listen to Nomis, he always makes sense, you'll soon start to learn what skills as a quad please you.

Good luck

I x

[topperf]

Quote

you'll soon start to learn what skills as a quad please you.

Nothing about this condition pleases me, nothing. (and since I haven't found any new "skills" since 8th aug 2007 I very much doubt I will)

But the reply wasn't pointed at me - I know, good luck, Hurb.

This post has been edited by topperf: 27 December 2008 - 05:44 PM

[hurbshankin]

I appreciate the words guys. It's nice to hear I'm not alone. But that's mostly it, I feel terribly lonely. I depend so greatly on my wife I feel awfully guilty. I have no real indepebdence which is tough cause I was so self-reliant. I'm busy livin', I just have to learn how to enjoy it in this form.

I'm just having a hell of a time accepting this is it. Up 'til now I truly believed I'd walk again.

Noles, I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't know what I'd do w/o my wife.

E-Dog, thanks for makin' me smile.


Topper, Izzi, Wendy and Nomis, thanks for understanding.

thanks to everyone else I didn't mention.

Hurb

[stellaris2]

Yes Hurb,

Some people have been harsh indeed. Advice to stop moaning, or end it. Real compassion for you. And I thought this was supposed to be a supportive website.

I have no magic wand to make you feel better, but I will say that everyone, AB and SCI alike, has bad and good days, or weeks or months. The bad days tend to be worse for us because we are starting at a different point and aren't always able to make all the changes that we'd like, but sooner or later, the tide will turn and things will be brighter again. The hard bit is keeping faith in the meantime. Hang on

[wheeliebear75]

Yeah I myself am very much against "hand guns are cheap" kind of advice.

SCI life is more of a rollercoaster ride than the life of an AB, I think all we can do is just to hope you can enjoy the ups and that the downs will be short and few.

[noles1984]

hurbshankin, on Dec 27 2008, 01:03 PM, said:

"Noles, I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't know what I'd do w/o my wife."

Hurb

Well you don't what you've got until it's gone. To me, you've got everything... everything you need. I'd love to get my wife back.

[airart1]

i bet, sorry noles, has to be a very hard thing to accept, after someone unconditionally stays with you and loves you, my condolences............my wife ran like a chicken with her head cut off after 8 years............as for hurb, i been in a chair for 20 yrs and theres not a day goes by i'm not pissed at the things i used to do and cant do now, so u can vent all u want, but to bitch about the things u cannot change is a waste of time, here and in life, enjoy your wife and hope she gives u the love most of us in a wheelchair dont have, because most wives pack there crap fast and think how crappy it would be to be alone the rest of your life, and if u dont get out the funk she might pack it in, dont get me wrong everyone has the right to gripe and we all do, but simpathy is not what your gonna get here, because we all go thru it.........we all have regrets and we all have things we wish we could do.................and most of us live our lives on an equal basis, some have more money that makes life easier, but we all have the basic level playing field.......so next time u post how about asking how we do some of the things u would like to do, bewcause most of us have found a wa to do the things we are told we can't...........

[Izziwhizzi]

topperf, on Dec 27 2008, 05:42 PM, said:

Quote

you'll soon start to learn what skills as a quad please you.

Nothing about this condition pleases me, nothing. (and since I haven't found any new "skills" since 8th aug 2007 I very much doubt I will)

But the reply wasn't pointed at me - I know, good luck, Hurb.

Topper

I didn't say they were 'new' skills, but maybe enjoyment from things you ignored before. But there will be new things as a quad - maybe you need patience.

I love listening to my little girl giggle - and I had her 20 years post injury - so something I never experienced before.

I think many of todays new quads have it easier btw - you've got access to the world and its knowledge via the internet - I had no internet or pc for over 15 years as a quad. And pre Chris Reeve a sci and its associated paralysis was unheard of in the outside world. Where I lived everyone (from neighbours to teachers) blamed me for not walking not my c5/6 break. That was because the knowledge was unavailable.

Good luck as you get past your 2 year mark.

I xx

This post has been edited by Izziwhizzi: 28 December 2008 - 02:06 PM

[Slowlegs]

Hi Hurb
I am not a quad nor was I ever, I was in a chair for a number of years after an accident and I still get a lot of "para problems". I think I do know a little bit of how you feel with regard with things you did before though. There are still things I want to do but can't, there are things I wanted to do and can and yet others I never dreamed I ever would. Thing is, there are also things I can do now that really don't do it for me because I can't do them like before. I am a bit of a perfectionist with those things and if I can't do them like before I just stop doing them.
I am 23 years post injury and I have a string of unfinished projects, dreams that have turned into fantasies and generally I don't (nor will I ever I think) ever really get the enjoyment out of doing them I probably would have before. I also don't like help from other people because that means in my mind I'm not really doing it myself or "properly". I tend to change tack all the time as I just get bored with things really easy and I find it hard to get motivated or stick to a hobby. I have had some good times and achieved some things I have been really proud of, I have also had a lot of bad times. Average them all out and my life is about average, a few ups, a few downs. Over the last decade I have gained a lot of my enjoyment by doing things for other people, whether that is financial or spiritual or other ways. I have counselled people on the phone and in person, worked for charity, donated large sums to charities. I haven't achieved a lot of the things that you, and a lot of the others on this site seemed to achieve but then again I would rather donate 10k to charity, buy gifts for the kids of my less fortunate friends at Christmas or donate money to a stranger to help their sick dog than buy something for myself which will probably not give me the same level of enjoyment for that long. Doing things for others creates memories for life for me. I was never like that pre injury and was probably a bit selfish other than working for the SPCA I didn't do much for my fellow man.
To me it's not about doing the things I did before any more but finding new things that inspire me, that make me laugh, make me cry or somehow touch me in different ways to bring something special to my life. Who ever said they have to be the same things as before? I have never run 100 metres in under 12 seconds like I used to pre injury so it is time to find something new that proves myself in different ways because I am hardly going to impress myself doing something not quite as well as I did before my injury. The hardest part is, finding what that new thing is and how to make it work best for you.
Sure hope you find yours.

This post has been edited by Slowlegs: 30 December 2008 - 07:37 PM

[EmHope]

Well, I'm VERY disappointed from the way MANY have responded to this thread, especially the ones near the beginning. Hurb, in the grand scheme, you have NOT been injured for very long and you are just beginning your life with paralysis. Whether the others on this site admit to feeling hopeless in the beginning after their injury I can say we've ALL had those feelings! It's tough. ALSO...it seems as this thread has turned into a "lets compare, I bet I have it worse than you." conversation. Kinda like don't you dare complain because I had to wheel through 10 feet of snow to get to school, and it was up hill both ways. I had hoped ALL of us here would have all realized by now all our ailments are not comparable AND that we've never "walked" in anyone else’s shoes and we can't know or judge what every other person is going through even if we have similar injuries. We all have been injured in different contexts, deal with different struggles, & have different capabilities. I ask those who responded to hurb in this thread to Please not be so judgmental so quickly! I think it is hard and sometimes difficult for quads to take criticism & even advice from some paras. Things are complicated for ALL of us with paralysis, but it adds a whole new dimension to complicating things for those of us without any hand function. I used to be so jealous of paras and a para wanna be! I used to think 'what could paras continue to possibly complain about?' Even coming to this website and seeing posts from paras about how awful their paralysis was made me angry. I thought 'how could they possibly complain when they have the ability to conduct their own bathroom program, the ability to lean over an pick something up off the floor, the ability to use a curling iron (well the ladies-haha!), etc.

I DO agree, hurb, that you DO truly have a lot to be thankful for with your wife and family, but you DO ALSO have the right to go through a phase of 'why me questions' too- we've ALL been there! (Some just may not admit it)

I struggled, WE HAVE ALL struggled, with this, but I started to realize, too, that there were others worse off than me, as a complete C6 SCI. I began to realize that there were even some paras (who I was so jealous of) that had more difficulties than me-some were overweight, some had infections, some had pressure sores, some had more trouble with their bathroom regulations, some didn't have a supportive family, some didn't have any family, etc. This taught me not to judge what others are going through by looking at them (even the paras with working hands).

When I was injured I was 16 about 7 years ago. Since I was a teenager I was on the pediatric rehabilitation floor. I saw so many tragic things at that time. Children with debilitating burns, tragic head injuries, high level paralysis, no family coming to visit, etc... This is when I realized I was blessed with ALL I had been spared, even as a quad without good working hand function. It didn't take away from being devastated about my own injury, but it sure gave me some perspective!

I met a friend Laura, who was injured doing a cheer leading stunt that left her a C2 quad needing a vent, huge chair, and a shorter life span. I learned a lot from Laura. First of all, I thought she has every right to be jealous of my situation being able to breathe on my own, drive my own wheelchair, drive a car, and the ability to move my own arms. She had every right to be jealous of my abilities just as I was jealous of paras. I looked at her one day and decided I was so lucky to have all the function I did have and I wanted to cherish it and count it as a blessing and never want Laura to think I took all I did have for granted. I decided I owed it to Laura and all those many many others who were worse off than I to use everything I had. She would give anything to have the function I did have, so I owed it to her to count all I did have as a blessing and use it to the best of my ability to be as independent as possible and be thankful for it! That’s what I would hope paras would do – use all they have been blessed with because they owed it to me (who wished I had their function & abilities) to cherish their function they’d been blessed with to be as independent as possible! I worked very hard, went to college for a psych degree, became mostly independent (with a little bathroom help), and now I’m almost done with grad school and a masters in Speech-language Pathology. I want to work with children with TBI’s, high level paralysis, trach’s, vents, etc. This is something I can do to use the function I do have to help those worse off than me.

What I’m trying to say in this post is that it is okay and normal to grieve your life before injury, feel hopeless at times about your future, and feel guilty those you love (herb-your wife) have to take care of you. We’ve ALL grieved this! NO NEED FOR THOSE ON THIS SITE TO BE SO HARSH WHILE YOU’RE GOING THROUGH THIS ROUGH TRANSITION! But, I do understand why some have said you DO have a lot to be thankful for and to open your eyes to these blessings. Even my C2 friend Laura stated one day that she was very blessed because she has a wonderful family, because she knew a boy her level that didn’t really have a great family and had to go into a nursing home. Even Laura felt lucky and needed to do her part to use her function and familial support to see her blessings.

Hurb- again only being injured 18 months makes you such a newbie at dealing with this new life you have. AGAIN-you have every right to be going through a period where you say, ‘why me?’ and feel down and hopeless! BUT as time goes on you will gradually be able to count see & your blessings one by one. Do not feel guilty for feeling down sometimes- that’s only natural-we ALL do at times. You’re no different from the rest of us! This life will always be difficult, and nothing can take that away, but you WILL find joy, happiness, and thankfulness even in your position. BUT-IT DOES TAKE TIME! We all need encouragement & support through the rough spots and we all need a little slap upside the head sometimes to be able to see our blessings we DO have!

I hope people on this website can learn to be supportive of you when you go through rough times (as we ALL have). I hope people here can also encourage you, give you hope, share in your joy as you find it, and respect you during the up times. There is no need for others on this site to be so harsh to you, compare their ailments and circumstances to yours to make you feel guilty, or for anyone to be judgmental about the pain you’re going through. Remember it is your job to deal with your circumstances the best you can because no one else knows you or what you are dealing with. There is HOPE, though, as well! As time passes and you learn more about your abilities you will begin to realize why you ARE blessed. You will continue to go through ups & downs throughout your life, but you will also realize you need to use your abilities the best you can as respect for those who have less.

Hang in there hurb! You’ll find your place and be able to do fun things again even play some sports, snow ski, water ski, surf, etc. No, it won’t be the same, but if you look you can still find joy. Know you are not alone; you have the right to be down –BUT have HOPE because things will get better!

[qbounce]

Hurb,
Sounds like you excelled at whatever you put your mind to.

I bet you're going to continue on that path, be a super-quad.
Go faster than a speeding grocery carter.
More powerful than a 12 year old.
Able to leap tall curbs in a single push.

I understand what you mean by describing how you don't want to bother your wife for anything when she has some down time. But man, she's not the only one in the house. You can't live your life this way on eggshells, expecting others to do what they want while you quietly suffer. If you need something, ask for it!!

Don't wait until you boil over for lack of taking care of yourself. btw, taking care of your needs may also help your depression.

[edlee]

Nice post Em,,,,, But rereading Hurb's post,, kinda makes me think he was talking to you more than to those who called him on it.

It IS truly wonderful that you have been able to deal with your sci in such a positive way,,, and that you have and probably will give many an example to follow,,,,BUT,,,

Try rereading his post yourself,,,,,, as should the rest of you who think some have been "too hard" on Hurb. He misses what he had!!!!! No shit!!!!! If you don't then you should be asking yourself, why the hell not????

It's pretty obvious that he,,, or any of us, for that matter,,,, would be farther ahead if we were to learn to accept,,,, but ,, often,, that is difficult to do.

Maybe it's the testosterone thing,,, or the not asking direction thing,,, but it seems we males have a hard time coming to grips, without a swift boot in the ass. Now maybe that's just me,,,

Those of us who are,, in your opinion,,, short of empathy, are actually giving what we think will work best,,, often because it did for us.

So Em,,, give us a little credit for understanding what's going on.... You do what you think will help,,,, and allow us to do the same. If we seem,, from previous posts,,, to be assholes,, then what you percieve of us may be true,,, if not,,,, well,,, you know...
ed

[araitn]

I'm a male and I tend to agree with EmHope's approach to helping Hurb with his problems. I believe the male attitude of hey, I'm a man.. I'm tuff.. I dealt with it so why don't you just deal with it and quit whining, gets in the way of being sympathetic to other's problems.

I'm 14 months post injury and I occasionaly have a day that I have trouble dealing with my life as it has become. Since my injury, I've probably had three days when I totally broke down and had the attitude of why me, I can't do the things I use to enjoy, how am I going to deal with this for the rest of my life. But it quickly goes away, usually because I know I have the support of my friends and family and from coming on here and reading about how other people deal with similar problems.

I am a firm believer in having a positive attitude and a positive outlook on life. Not everyone is the same and some people need more support than others. I think people should be able to express their feelings here without being dealt the "get over it" responses. Yeah, if someone was posting every day, over and over, about how bad they had it, then at some point they do need to try to deal with it in a different way. But, I don't think this is the case with Hurb. All of the other posts I've read from him have been positive.

Also, I find it ridiculous that any para would try to relate their experience to a quad. That's one thing that has helped me when I'm down, I'll think that it could be worse, I at least have the use of my arms which I know makes life so much easier. I totally respect and admire quads and I don't begin to pretend to know what their daily lifes are like and I certainly don't preach to them about "getting over" their problems. I can just provide my support and hope that they can look to the positives.

Hurb, hang in there man! Try to keep a positive attitude and don't be afraid or reluctant to ask for help.

[Slowlegs]

Hi guys,
with regard to comparing life experiences with others. When I was training to be a counsellor we had to complete an exercise called "self disclosure". We had to describe our lives as they had been, relationships with families, life changing events and how they had affected us. One of my colleagues asked how I could (with my injuries) ever listen to someone else who was having a hard day and not say "snap out of it mate".
I told him about the pain scale they used in hospital. I think we have all heard it, "if the pain you are experiencing was rated out of ten, 0 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain you have ever had then what does the pain you are currently experiencing rate?" To me, everyone who has experienced trauma or injury has probably experienced their personal 10 and probably been through the entire grief process whether they have lost their home in a mortgagee sale, broken their arm, neck or back. The basic process is pretty similar for most people. Some learn compassion from these experiences and some don't. Some handle it, some don't. I am not saying that someone who has broken their arm or lost their home have experienced anything like being quad or a para but some can empathise with the grief process that person is going through although not perhaps the effects and experience of the injury.
I was in the chat room a while back and a person in there just quoted condition after condition as to why their life was so bad. Whenever this person heard a condition mentioned they had two or three which made them "so much worse off" than anyone else in there but with no mention of how to cope with the condition the other person was experiencing trouble with and asking for help on. For a number of reasons this person has possibly never learned compassion for others.
A couple of years ago I spoke in front of a crowd of over 400 people about my life experiences. I spoke after a guy who had an injury which doesn't compare in physical consequences to pretty well any on this site. Sure, he had achieved a lot of things such as running a business, paralympics, climbing mountains and is a millionaire. Makes a lot of money speaking around the world about himself. Thing is, my speech was after his and after him talking about climbing mountains I wondered why they had invited me.
Lunch was after my speech and I had a number of people come up to me and said they really enjoyed mine over his. I asked why and they said although the other guy had a pretty slick presentation about how great he was, he hadn't contributed anything to others or done work for charities like I had. Someone else also commented how the taxi was booked for ten minutes after the other guys speech and he only hung around until he got his cheque whereas I stayed at the hotel that night for their after party and refused their offer of money as they are a charity. I even still have the cheque they gave me for petrol somewhere but will never cash it.
Our injuries or disabilities and life experiences aren't an achievement in themselves, they just make us different not special. Just how we cope with them and who we become because of them is what sets us apart. Everyone who types advice on here does so as their reaction to what they read. Whether it is a "snap out of it mate", I've been here before" or "I think I know where you're coming from as I have been through something similar before". I don't think, unless someone is being abusive or malicious that all replies shouldn't be welcomed as an experience and taken in the spirit of friendship and empathy they were intended.
Good luck Hurb, take the advice that works for you no matter where it comes from in life.

[dexter]

hurbshankin, on Dec 26 2008, 10:25 AM, said:

This is what's been rambling through my head lately.

I don't know if it's the holidays or what? But, I have been having a rough go of it lately.

Pre-SCI, I was the type of individual that nothing came easy. Whether it was academic or physical, I had to bust my hump to be successful, at anything. I had gotten to the point in my life where I knew I could count on my hardwork to get me through and be successful.

Well, here I am. A year and a half post injury. I've busted my ass in therapy, got back in kayak, got back in a four-wheeler, got back to work, made all kinds of "strides" a quad is supposed to be happy about. Yet, all these so-called accomplishments have done nothing to improve my mental state, which is of absolute desperation. Desperate to live as and be my former self. All this hard work and no real reward.

I find myself with no real friends to talk to. Everyone has questions, but no responses. Except for "yeah", "huh", "that sucks". Even my wife has no response. I know, talk to a professional.. I know what they'll say, "Focus on the positive". What Positive? My body is broken. I'm a physical person, always have been. The attempts I make at enjoying physical activity always leaves me disappointed. I'm tired of the computer, TV and other lame activities I am confined to doing. I so long for the rush of snowboarding, mt. biking, really kayaking, really 4-wheelin', hiking, building, carpentry, creating with my hands, playing guitar, playing hand drums, driving, riding a sport-bike, water-skiing, cliff-diving, body-surfing, swimming, being spontaneous. This life of quadriplegia is not for me. The thought of never being able to experience the thrills I used to is devastating.

I'm trying and making the best effort I can. I am so dependent on others for just daily living, let alone doing activities. I want to be considerate of those that help, typically my wife, I often don't ask for assistance in what I want to do. Mainly because my wife barely has any time for herself I don't want to monopolize her "spare" time.

I apologize if I offend anyone. I think you're full of it if you think dealing wth an SCI is the same as AB's dealing with life.

Hurb

Good for you man. I'm right there with you. I'm tired of this Bull Shit life. I used to be out and about all the time. I used to be the man of the town. I had a killer life. There were over 100 people in the hospital after my accident. Now i'm stuck and confined relying on somebody to take care of me all the time. I've seen more TV and DVDs in the last year and a half than I have in my entire life. I used to have a business that ran itself. I worked one day a week and I made $70,000 year. I built a business from the ground up. And it's now drained away into nothing. I get one gig every six months. Now I rely on a check that comes once a month for $1388. "Here is your small check back Sir.Don't worry, it may get you by for now, but down the road it might be taken away. Thanks for the contribution over many many years."

I miss my riding my motorbike, skiing, rockclimbing, hiking, swimming, wake boarding, Oh yeah... especially SEX! It's horrible to think that I will never orgasm again. Horrible!

The pain that I go through every day drives me insane. All I think about every night as I go to bed is is tomorrow going to be a better day? I hate it. I feel like every single day all I am is a clock for medication. That time of the day rolls around in my body is screaming for something to swallow. The funny thing is I don't even take any pain medication at all! It's just a nerve pain and anti- spasm medication. I forgot to mention that the medication I'm taking is making me an idiot. I can't remember conversations I had just a few days ago. It's embarrassing and nothing I can do about it.

I've said to myself over the last year and a half that I would rather be in jail for the rest of my life and be back to normal then be in the situation I'm in right now. Hands down.

So all I have to say is good for you Hurb. Someone needed to say it!

Dex

This post has been edited by dexter: 31 December 2008 - 01:07 AM

[edlee]

Well Em,,,,, how about the above????
ed

[EmHope]

edlee, on Dec 31 2008, 09:18 PM, said:

Well Em,,,,, how about the above????
ed

Well ed, I'm not exactly sure what you'd like me to respond on. I'd be more than happy to respond to whatever questions and posts you'd like me to-just be a little more direct in what you'd like.
I am a little confused as to why my opinions and posts are being attacked-I'm not upset about it AT ALL I'm just trying to figure out what offended you or what point you are trying make me see. I am VERY open to all opinions. I was trying to say in my post that I agree that some people, depending on timing & circumstances, need "a slap up side the head" sometimes however.....compassion an non-judgment should come a long with it. Also, please DO NOT put words in my mouth because I NEVER called anyone an "asshole" for prior posts. I was just disappointed that people could make judgments and show a lack of compassion to someone expressing desperation. Slaps upside the head = being tough and explaining to snap out of it because there is always someone worse off - however anyone is entitled to bad days & difficult moments - we all get through it in different ways - but no one can say what the right way to do it is for someone else - compassion, tough love, & support can all come together.

I respect all opinions very much (yours too) I just don't respect judgment and people pretending to know exactly what’s good for someone else especially without knowing what a quad does go through. You have many good points just open yourself to see others as well.

[Scribbler]

First of all I'm not judging or criticising anyone, so don't take this the wrong way.

Although we all go through very similar emotions when dealing with problems life throws our way, I realise we're all different so react in different ways.

Some of us cope better than others but even the toughest and hardest nut has its weak point.

Unless I can do some good I rarely reply to these sort of threads; I just don't feel qualified to give advice.

I'll offer support, which I'd rather do in a Private Message, but I notice its rarely taken up. If I need advice or support, I'll usually PM a friend, but as I said before, we are all different.

Maybe some people feel the need to pour out their troubles in public, if they do then they must expect differing opinions from other members.

I'm sure some enjoy attention, as I often notice the same members mention the same things in various threads, which prompts lots of attention and sympathy.

Just because peoples opinions are different doesn't mean they are wrong or right; someone has asked a question so expect answers which may not be to everyones liking.

If someone deals with their situation in a positive and inspirational way, then it just means that person copes well with their problems. They aren't superhuman and will, I feel sure have many bad days from time to time, but they are entitled to their opinion.

Its only when someone is rude, hurtful or downright abusive that matters, and should be reported to Simon to sort out,

That's my opinion, for what its worth, which probably isn't much....

(No animals were hurt in his post)