[Meredith]

ive written on here about this same topic before-my parents do not approve of me dating my bf who happens to be a para. we met at work and were friends for a couple of years then started having other feelings. we've been together for one year.

my parents, my mother especially, do not approve. she makes it very obvious and becomes mean to me even when i try to talk to her about it. my bf likes to travel and always has. i have recently gone on trips with him bc i got a HUGE raise last year and can afford it now and have someone to do it with. my mom makes it seem like i am dating him for money or something. (she told me today i am benefitting off of his accident money-something she knows nothing about!) i have always paid my half on everything bc i have learned that lesson a long time ago at how complicated money issues can get! she told me this morning when i told her we are going to Niagra Falls for NYE-that she wishes i would just be normal and date someone nornal. ugh-im appalled and embarassed to even write this on here. i always thought my mom to be a kind, caring person but i was dead wrong when it comes to this issue. God forbid something like this happened to my sister or I-she would most likely have a different opinion. She also asked my why don't i want to date someone who can walk and have sex....ugh it disgusts me but also hurts and frustrates me. I pointed out that the only person she is hurting is me and she just laughed and told me I am acting like a "Professional Victim."

my parents didn't even "let" me see my boyfriend on christmas-and i didn't stand up to them and it hurt my bf very much. i had originally told my parents that I wanted to go to his house christmas night and they told me not to come at all and that they might as well FedEx me my presents and save me the trouble of visiting with them at all.

this all hurts me very much and i can't lie it does put thoughts in my head for a split second bc no one wants to disappoint their parents! i am not doing anything wrong and i don't know how i can deal with or help this to get better. please any advice? i am seriously considering going to a therapist or something bc it really hurts me and stresses me out!

[Ana]

You are not alone in this. I kicked my mother to the curb this Christmas bc after hearing her disaproval of me being with my b/f for the last 3 years, I just could not take it anymore. Both our mothers have without a doubt our best interest at heart but, all I ask is for her to be happy for me I found true love, and accept my choice. I can make my own educated decisions; I don't need her to point out the challenges of dating my b/f. I actually don't find there are too many challenges -they only exist in her mind; my b/f is very independent. We have tried to educate her but, she doesn't seem to listen.

I don't have much advice, only to follow your heart and stand by your man. It hurts to stand up to a mother who has always taken good care of her girl but, you to do it for yourself and your man. I will sit my mother down and have a good talk in a few days.

[Texas Angel Ang]

I have been there when it comes to parents -- sometimes you just have to step up to the plate and tell them "look this is my life, I'm 24, and I'm going to live my life accordingly. You don't have to like it but you will not disrespect my lifestyle."

Does your mom pay your bills? Do you live with her? Does she support you in anything you do?

I was with someone for four years -- he lived with me -- my mom and him constantly fought. Which put a lot of stress on our relationship and also put a huge test with my mom and I (she's my primary/caregiver). It got to the point where my mom and I wouldn't even speak to each other. For me it was more about standing up to my mom! After me and my boyfriend split up -- we both now have a respect for one another when it comes to relationship issues.

I also want to family therapy -- dragged both of their asses in there and let the therapist deal with them! Of course it backfired on me LOL -- I ended up having to deal with "suppressed feelings" that had to do with my parents! Mainly my dad.

[Missy6]

I believe that this kind of behaviour is nothing but a result of a lack of knowledge and the only way to handle it is education. Does your mom know about your everyday life with your bf? Does she know how "normal" his life is? Did you give her a chance to see it with her own eyes?
Why don't you invite your mother to his house and confront her with the "normality"? Invite her over for a dinner or something, show her that all that is not scary and unnormal at all.

[DrLove]

Meredith, on Dec 30 2008, 04:58 PM, said:

ive written on here about this same topic before-my parents do not approve of me dating my bf who happens to be a para. we met at work and were friends for a couple of years then started having other feelings. we've been together for one year.

my parents, my mother especially, do not approve. she makes it very obvious and becomes mean to me even when i try to talk to her about it. my bf likes to travel and always has. i have recently gone on trips with him bc i got a HUGE raise last year and can afford it now and have someone to do it with. my mom makes it seem like i am dating him for money or something. (she told me today i am benefitting off of his accident money-something she knows nothing about!) i have always paid my half on everything bc i have learned that lesson a long time ago at how complicated money issues can get! she told me this morning when i told her we are going to Niagra Falls for NYE-that she wishes i would just be normal and date someone nornal. ugh-im appalled and embarassed to even write this on here. i always thought my mom to be a kind, caring person but i was dead wrong when it comes to this issue. God forbid something like this happened to my sister or I-she would most likely have a different opinion. She also asked my why don't i want to date someone who can walk and have sex....ugh it disgusts me but also hurts and frustrates me. I pointed out that the only person she is hurting is me and she just laughed and told me I am acting like a "Professional Victim."

my parents didn't even "let" me see my boyfriend on christmas-and i didn't stand up to them and it hurt my bf very much. i had originally told my parents that I wanted to go to his house christmas night and they told me not to come at all and that they might as well FedEx me my presents and save me the trouble of visiting with them at all.

this all hurts me very much and i can't lie it does put thoughts in my head for a split second bc no one wants to disappoint their parents! i am not doing anything wrong and i don't know how i can deal with or help this to get better. please any advice? i am seriously considering going to a therapist or something bc it really hurts me and stresses me out!

HI.

I ONLY WOULD LIKE TO SAY-TRUST YOUR HEART AND DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE!

DO NOT MAKE THATT MISTAKE BY FOLLOWING A "PERFECT MATCH" AND BE SORRY ALL YOUR LIFE BY LETTING GO YOUR SOULMATE -JUST BECAUSE THE OTHERS DO NOT SEE A WONDERFUL PERSON BEYOND WHAT THEY SEE (A WHELCHAIR).

IT IS YOU WHO WILL LEAVE WITH THIS PERSON AND NOT YOUR MOM OR DAD.
DO NOT REJECT THIS WONDERFUL MAN JUST BECAUSE IT WILL NOT"FIT IN" ON OTHERS MIND THAT YOU ARE HAPPY TOGATHER.

MANY ABLE BODIED PEOPLE ARE "DISABLE-HEARTED-JERKS",WHO ARE HAPPEN TO BE ABLE TO LIVE NORMAL LIFE AND HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

IF HE IS THE RIGHT PERSON-STAND UP FOR HIM!!!
STAY STRONG!

GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY 2009 YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Slowlegs]

Meredith, on Dec 30 2008, 05:58 PM, said:

ive written on here about this same topic before-my parents do not approve of me dating my bf who happens to be a para. we met at work and were friends for a couple of years then started having other feelings. we've been together for one year.

my parents, my mother especially, do not approve. she makes it very obvious and becomes mean to me even when i try to talk to her about it. my bf likes to travel and always has. i have recently gone on trips with him bc i got a HUGE raise last year and can afford it now and have someone to do it with. my mom makes it seem like i am dating him for money or something. (she told me today i am benefitting off of his accident money-something she knows nothing about!) i have always paid my half on everything bc i have learned that lesson a long time ago at how complicated money issues can get! she told me this morning when i told her we are going to Niagra Falls for NYE-that she wishes i would just be normal and date someone nornal. ugh-im appalled and embarassed to even write this on here. i always thought my mom to be a kind, caring person but i was dead wrong when it comes to this issue. God forbid something like this happened to my sister or I-she would most likely have a different opinion. She also asked my why don't i want to date someone who can walk and have sex....ugh it disgusts me but also hurts and frustrates me. I pointed out that the only person she is hurting is me and she just laughed and told me I am acting like a "Professional Victim."

my parents didn't even "let" me see my boyfriend on christmas-and i didn't stand up to them and it hurt my bf very much. i had originally told my parents that I wanted to go to his house christmas night and they told me not to come at all and that they might as well FedEx me my presents and save me the trouble of visiting with them at all.

this all hurts me very much and i can't lie it does put thoughts in my head for a split second bc no one wants to disappoint their parents! i am not doing anything wrong and i don't know how i can deal with or help this to get better. please any advice? i am seriously considering going to a therapist or something bc it really hurts me and stresses me out!

Hi Meredith,
I just wonder where the "professional victim" thing comes from? Is there anything else she is referring to that isn't included in your posting? I just don't know where she'd get that from? My family did the same to my sister. She went out with a really nice guy a number of years back but we all pressured her not to. She bowed to the pressure and stopped seeing him.

I am not sure where things could have ended up but he married someone else who already had children. They are happily married now, he has sent his wifes children through university and is a pretty good and faithful as well as a successful husband and still a friend of the family. Since then my sister has dated nothing but jerks who have hurt her in different ways. Please don't let your parents split you up. Your parents are doing what they think their best is for you. Perhaps you could tell your Mum you met this really great guy through work who does this and that (and all the great things your boyfriend does) and invite her out to lunch and have your boyfriend turn up after they do.

You could go to a therapist but you don't sound like the one who needs therapy, they do. Unfortunately it's pretty hard to get someone to go to or learn from counselling for a problem they don't believe exists. Good luck, you seem like a great couple and you yourself seem a very nice and non judgmental person. Your boyfriend is a lucky guy. Just hope you can come to a compromise with your parents.

[dancin' johnny]

DrLove, on Dec 31 2008, 05:04 AM, said:

Meredith, on Dec 30 2008, 04:58 PM, said:

ive written on here about this same topic before-my parents do not approve of me dating my bf who happens to be a para. we met at work and were friends for a couple of years then started having other feelings. we've been together for one year.

my parents, my mother especially, do not approve. she makes it very obvious and becomes mean to me even when i try to talk to her about it. my bf likes to travel and always has. i have recently gone on trips with him bc i got a HUGE raise last year and can afford it now and have someone to do it with. my mom makes it seem like i am dating him for money or something. (she told me today i am benefitting off of his accident money-something she knows nothing about!) i have always paid my half on everything bc i have learned that lesson a long time ago at how complicated money issues can get! she told me this morning when i told her we are going to Niagra Falls for NYE-that she wishes i would just be normal and date someone nornal. ugh-im appalled and embarassed to even write this on here. i always thought my mom to be a kind, caring person but i was dead wrong when it comes to this issue. God forbid something like this happened to my sister or I-she would most likely have a different opinion. She also asked my why don't i want to date someone who can walk and have sex....ugh it disgusts me but also hurts and frustrates me. I pointed out that the only person she is hurting is me and she just laughed and told me I am acting like a "Professional Victim."

my parents didn't even "let" me see my boyfriend on christmas-and i didn't stand up to them and it hurt my bf very much. i had originally told my parents that I wanted to go to his house christmas night and they told me not to come at all and that they might as well FedEx me my presents and save me the trouble of visiting with them at all.

this all hurts me very much and i can't lie it does put thoughts in my head for a split second bc no one wants to disappoint their parents! i am not doing anything wrong and i don't know how i can deal with or help this to get better. please any advice? i am seriously considering going to a therapist or something bc it really hurts me and stresses me out!

HI.

I ONLY WOULD LIKE TO SAY-TRUST YOUR HEART AND DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE!

DO NOT MAKE THATT MISTAKE BY FOLLOWING A "PERFECT MATCH" AND BE SORRY ALL YOUR LIFE BY LETTING GO YOUR SOULMATE -JUST BECAUSE THE OTHERS DO NOT SEE A WONDERFUL PERSON BEYOND WHAT THEY SEE (A WHELCHAIR).

IT IS YOU WHO WILL LEAVE WITH THIS PERSON AND NOT YOUR MOM OR DAD.
DO NOT REJECT THIS WONDERFUL MAN JUST BECAUSE IT WILL NOT"FIT IN" ON OTHERS MIND THAT YOU ARE HAPPY TOGATHER.

MANY ABLE BODIED PEOPLE ARE "DISABLE-HEARTED-JERKS",WHO ARE HAPPEN TO BE ABLE TO LIVE NORMAL LIFE AND HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

IF HE IS THE RIGHT PERSON-STAND UP FOR HIM!!!
STAY STRONG!

GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY 2009 YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well said the doctor.

happy o9 to all

[Nickleblue]

The lass i am interested in is Paralyzed (paraplegic), Not really the same situation as I dont get on with/communcate with my father and my mother is deceased. However I am in no doubt to there being people in the world question my interest in her (at least three on here have messaged me asking if my "Intentions" are pure) I have tried my best to be open/tell/inform them i am "legit!" However what it boils down to is "Am I serious about LIR and will she be happy with me?" - as for everyone else - if you cant make them understand - screw them. They are not "THAT" important to change your life for. - Just my opinion.
Personally as far as LIR and myself are concerned - As long as SHE is happy - I couldnt care less what people think.
Hope the situation works out for you.
Sounds like you know what area of your life your happy with and what are your not just a case of making the hard choice now.
Gary.

[E-DOG]

Meredith,
You are TWENTYSEVEN YEARS OLD.
Eventually you're gonna have to start acting like it.
A glass eye in a ducks ass could see how ridiculous your folks are being.
Why on earth would you pay them ANY ATTENTION AT ALL?
Start thinking for yourself gal.
E

[Meredith]

E-DOG, on Jan 3 2009, 01:38 AM, said:

Meredith,
You are TWENTYSEVEN YEARS OLD.
Eventually you're gonna have to start acting like it.
A glass eye in a ducks ass could see how ridiculous your folks are being.
Why on earth would you pay them ANY ATTENTION AT ALL?
Start thinking for yourself gal.
E

I was hoping you would reply E-Dog, I have read many of your replies and find you very articulate, insightful and not to mention funny! I respect your to-the-point reply here and I know you are right! It's a case of easier said then done, I'm afraid. I am actually TWENTY EIGHT YEARS OLD hahaa and believe I act like it in almost every way but do still respond to my parents almost like I did when I was a child! I live in my own place, in a completely different state I might add, pay my own bills, am a successful and highly respected professional, etc. and don't rely on them for anything but love and support and its just been so hurtful. I want anything more then to not pay them any mind but I don't seem to have that in me....I'm sick at the things MY MOTHER said to me and wouldn't allow a stranger to speak to me like that. I do believe its true that we are hurt the most by the ones we love but idk or understand why my own mother would want to hurt me....idk. thanks again for your response and hopefully I can find it in me to follow your advice!

[nomis]

meredith, your story is very encouraging. I'm most pleased to hear of someone like yourself who is comfortable looking beyond the superficiality of the wheelchair and relating to the real person. Yet you come from a family with a strong prejudice against people who are a bit different.

Of course, I'm ever so slightly biased in favour of befriending SCI people and seeing them for the real people they are.

If you ever intend to live your own life and be your own person, there has to be a time when you state your boundaries and that means drawing the line with your parents. You go on loving them just the same but you firmly tell them it's your life to live as you choose. They might be shocked or even upset for a day or two then things will improve,,,,I betcha.

[Meredith]

nomis, on Jan 3 2009, 07:50 PM, said:

Of course, I'm ever so slightly biased in favour of befriending SCI people and seeing them for the real people they are.

nomis your reply made me cry...hahaa, dont take it personal i've been on the verge for days! why should anyone on this earth have to be grateful or biased in favor of being seen as a real person???? that's what i don't get. i KNOW there are people who discriminate or say dumb things to people in wheelchairs and i pity them. but never did i expect my own mother to be one of those people!! when we first started dating, she told me on one hand she worried about how well he could look after me-which i understood a lil at the time but she also told me how proud she was to have raised someone who didn't judge people by their "outsides." well, that part of her has seemed to have gone out to lunch and she's full throttled into being one of those people i loathe who says stupid things to john or behind his back to me! it sucks (excuse my lack of a better term) to be treated like poo (again) by your own mother and like you are doing something wrong for getting to know, and coincidentally in this case, LOVE people for who they are! UGH!

i know you are on here often and have read many of your replies as well and I have taken your advice to heart. I respect your opinion! It's not something that will take place instantaneously but I HOPE HOPE HOPE over time, I can actualize what you, E Dog and the others have said here. I also intend to get a therapist for the 2009 year! LOL! I need a professional to tell me I'm not wrong apparently-I hope it's worth the $$$! lol.

Thanks again! <3 meredith

[nomis]

Well, of course, you are right. But you don't have to be right. It just has to be your decision for your life.
I bet you're mother is reacting out of love for you and when you take a stand she'll come around and begin to accept things, too.


I've got a story. Not much use to use, but it might amuse.

When I was a young man and about two years post-injury, I was in a relationship with this gorgeous, perky, diminative girl who was keen we got married. I was more, 'What's the rush?' She was working in a far off town and I wasn't going to see her for awhile. But I didn't hear anything, no replies to my calls. Nada. Finally, I get a call. She's getting married to some guy I've never heard of.

She later tells me her father, who is a GP, insisted she end her relationship with me because of my injuries.

A few years down the track I hear she's got some heart abnormality and has passed it on to her two children. The good doctor/father had already died. He was still in his 50s. It's a very sad story.

The father was right to be concerned for the ongoing wellbeing and security of his daughter but also you can't choose where life goes.

This post has been edited by nomis: 04 January 2009 - 02:41 AM

[Ana]

Meredith,

I completely understand how you are feeling. It is hard to stand up to your parents when you have always been loved and supported by them. You don't want to hurt them. However isn't your mother hurting you now? She doesn't seem to have a problem with hurting you. You have to make it clear to her what her behavior is doing to you. A loving mother would not want ot deliberately hurt her child -even though it is done out of love. What does she think she is going to achieve with her behavior? It won't make any difference except that she is pushing her daughter away, and leaves her daughter feeling like shit.

Don't waste your money on somebody telling you what you already know.

Nomis and E-dog are completely right -of course lol. No matter if you are wrong or right, you made a decision in how you want to live your life, and you have to take a stand in that. Just let your parents know you love them regardless but, this is where you draw the line.

You don't need a shrink, you need time. I speak from experience, since it took me three years of putting up with bullshit until I was finally ready to stand up to my mother. I am also an independent woman like you. Good job, nice apartment, life sorted out, however my mother still saw me as her little girl. She wanted to protect me but all she did was push me away. I put my foot down, and our relationship is now so much better. It really is worth it!

[Texaswheelz]

How many people do your parents know that are in wheelchairs? Any? Where has their decisions about what your b/f can and can't do come from? Ignorance, just like most people that we hear day to day making stupid ass comments. So educate them. A good start is go buy them a copy of Murderball and sit down with them and make them watch it. While that show isn't about everyone, it is about what some people do, that others, such as your parents, would have never imagined being done.

Ignorance does have a cure and it's not stem cells.

[Meredith]

Texaswheelz, on Jan 4 2009, 10:38 PM, said:

How many people do your parents know that are in wheelchairs? Any? Where has their decisions about what your b/f can and can't do come from? Ignorance, just like most people that we hear day to day making stupid ass comments. So educate them. A good start is go buy them a copy of Murderball and sit down with them and make them watch it. While that show isn't about everyone, it is about what some people do, that others, such as your parents, would have never imagined being done.

Ignorance does have a cure and it's not stem cells.

my bf just gave me that movie!!! i'll watch it tonight. maybe that's a sign.....!!

[Tim13]

Hmmm, mixed feelings here, as a crippled guy i think its great that you are able to overlook physical differences to be with someone you care about and I wish you both the best.

but...

As a parent, I'd be less than enthusiastic if my daughter brought home a guy in a wheelchair, or a 600 lb sumo wrestler or decided to date a guy on death row-not good enough for her in my eyes is the key here. Call it narrow minded, selfish, whatever but most parents have certain idealistic hopes and visions of how their children's lives should be and picking somebody "different" to spend it with usually isn't included. Granted, I wouldn't be as vocal as your mom but inside I would worry and hope she came to her senses. And yes, I'd still feel that way as I attended their 50th anniversary aboard their private yatch, parents can be like that :-)

You have every right to love whomever you want and shouldn't let anything get in the way but be diplomatic. Don't burn your bridges with your family over this-no matter how good a relationship can be, many end.


good luck

[Meredith]

Tim13, on Jan 6 2009, 09:12 AM, said:

Hmmm, mixed feelings here, as a crippled guy i think its great that you are able to overlook physical differences to be with someone you care about and I wish you both the best.

but...

As a parent, I'd be less than enthusiastic if my daughter brought home a guy in a wheelchair, or a 600 lb sumo wrestler or decided to date a guy on death row-not good enough for her in my eyes is the key here. Call it narrow minded, selfish, whatever but most parents have certain idealistic hopes and visions of how their children's lives should be and picking somebody "different" to spend it with usually isn't included. Granted, I wouldn't be as vocal as your mom but inside I would worry and hope she came to her senses. And yes, I'd still feel that way as I attended their 50th anniversary aboard their private yatch, parents can be like that :-)

You have every right to love whomever you want and shouldn't let anything get in the way but be diplomatic. Don't burn your bridges with your family over this-no matter how good a relationship can be, many end.


good luck

question-what makes a guy in a wheelchair not good enough? i would honestly like some input bc that is what i don't fully understand.

sumo wrestler-i get it, he might roll over in the night and kill me. guy on death row-get that too. kind of a waste of a wedding reception if you ask me.

i am currently 28 y/o-living on my own, paying all my bills and doing everything for myself-including changing the lightbulbs in the ceiling fan, one of the few things my bf could not do if we were to move in together. we have traveled all over the country and spent many days and nights together at home. i am fully aware that he has certain limitations, although few. i have limitations myself. i am not seeking a partner to "do" anything for me besides love and support me. well, i do seek a partner who can contribute physically, emotionally, spiritually and even financially about the same as i, for the long run. all of these things he does and can do.

i do not intend to burn any bridges. i never would "cut off" my parents or family on an account of well, ....ANYTHING! but there does need to be some compromise. it is unfortunate that my parents' vision of my future is not perfectly actualized for them by a man in a wheelchair but in my opinion, my happiness should be their #1 goal for me. and right now, they are acting quite counter-productively to that....

This post has been edited by Meredith: 06 January 2009 - 04:43 PM

[Tim13]

Meredith, on Jan 6 2009, 05:39 PM, said:

question-what makes a guy in a wheelchair not good enough? i would honestly like some input bc that is what i don't fully understand.

sumo wrestler-i get it, he might roll over in the night and kill me. guy on death row-get that too. kind of a waste of a wedding reception if you ask me.

i am currently 28 y/o-living on my own, paying all my bills and doing everything for myself-including changing the lightbulbs in the ceiling fan, one of the few things my bf could not do if we were to move in together. we have traveled all over the country and spent many days and nights together at home. i am fully aware that he has certain limitations, although few. i have limitations myself. i am not seeking a partner to "do" anything for me besides love and support me. well, i do seek a partner who can contribute physically, emotionally, spiritually and even financially about the same as i, for the long run. all of these things he does and can do.

i do not intend to burn any bridges. i never would "cut off" my parents or family on an account of well, ....ANYTHING! but there does need to be some compromise. it is unfortunate that my parents' vision of my future is not perfectly actualized for them by a man in a wheelchair but in my opinion, my happiness should be their #1 goal for me. and right now, they are acting quite counter-productively to that....

I think until you have a daughter of your own you probably won't understand but you've heard the phrase "nobody's good enough for my baby"? I added sumo wrestler and convict to the list to try and point out it isn't so much the wheelchair that bothers them-he just doesn't fit into their ideal picture of a mate for you. Ever see a romantic photo of a couple in love walking the beach at sunset? Notice there's never a wheelchair being dragged through the sand any more than there is a huge guy in a diaper or a knife wielding maniac in the photo?
I agree totally that your happiness should be their number one concern and they probably think that they are looking out for you.

Try letting them get to know him and see how you interact as a couple on neutral ground, a nice restaurant for instance would go a long way to ease their concerns.

[edlee]

Please don't take it the wrong way, Meredith,,,,,parenting is difficult when your children are young,,, gets worse as they go thru their teens,,,, but,,, gets tremendously more difficult once they move out,,, and we have less and less influence on their lives.

It often seems that we,,parents,,, try to look at you as older, when you are young,,, and younger when you are older. It's a peocess WE have to go thru,,,it can be hard to '''let go""".

The fact that your parents have been empathetic in their veiws of others is proven by the views of the daughter they raised,,,,, but that has NO bearing whatsoever on what they want for their child,,, their image of a PERFECT life for you,, is different from what they would imagine for others,,, or even themselves.

It may not be logical,, but it is normal,,,,

Optimism is the norm for young people,,,yes you are,,, pragmatism comes later,,,, enjoy it while it lasts.
ed

[catmint]

Hi Meredith

It's great that there have been a lot of replies and a lot of interesting points of view.

Not to go over old ground but my husband was SCI when we got together. My family were horrified but other than in one conversation, and that was with my sister, they never admitted it was because he was a tetra. Like your mom mine was a kind considerate person who would be the last person you would expect to have that view.She would not discuss it and although I tried, and I mean I really tried she used every reason under the sun why she didn't want us to marry. I tried to keep contact with my parents they were the ones who didn't want to know.

But you have an advantage over me in that although she is saying things you don't want to hear, she is bringing them out in the open and actually talking about it. Try to deal with the specific point she raises and don't get personal ( us moms can hit below the belt sometimes!)I get the impression from your post that you don't want to lose her and I am sure she doesn't want that. I agree with Edlee and Tim ( I do have daughters) she wants the best for you. Just keep the lines of comunication open ..you know he's a great guy and so will they ..give it time.

L

[emerson]

My mom reacted the same way. It's not that someone in a wheelchair isn't good enough-- that doesn't define a person. My Mom used to say about my partner "what's not to like?" But, she worries that if something were to happen to me, who would take care of me? Or if something happened to him and I wasn't able to help. She's okay now and has quit sending me singles dating literature. My guess is that if I were 27 and able to have children, she might still have issues. In my case I've been married twice, both guys were "mother approved" one was a doctor. Only you know in your heart who brings out the best in you and who YOU want to spend your time/life with. Give it time and be understanding. She's scared and only wants the best for you and she will eventually recognize/respect how happy you are.

[pinkziab]

I didn't have this problem with my parents (thankfully--not that my mother has ever approved of anyone I've dated, hahaha, but this time she's kept her mouth shut either way, and she hasn't given any indication that she has a problem with it). My "best friend" of 20 years however, told me I was "throwing my life away" by dating someone in a wheelchair, and no matter how perfect I thought we were for each other, how much we cared for each other, or how well we got on, she felt that I could find that with an AB guy, and why "complicate my life" or give myself "added stress" that wasn't necessary. it went on and on, and our friendship was already strained for other reasons... in the end (not just because of this, but because of everything) I basically ended the friendship. I'm not saying you should end your relationship with your family, but just be clear that this is who you CHOOSE to be with, and they can like it or not, but it is what it is, and they can't "talk you out of it."

Alex and I have now been together for almost a year and a half, and will hopefully be married in the not-too-distant future. I know he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Tara

[fatdave]

Hey Tim, Whats the deal with not wanting your daughter to date 600lbs sumo wrestlers!?.....how about a 450lbs guy in a wheelchair? I wont break your chairs when i sit in them ( I have my own with me all the time) and if I ever pissed her off, she could roll me down a hill (with or without the chair)

I grew up in a home with a disabled person (my mother) and dating anyone that wasn't AB was never an issue. I let someone I really cared about go when I was younger because her parents disapproved of me, the tattoo's the mohawk, the loud fast car. I never mistreated her, I tried my hardest to please her parents (I cut my hair and even wore long sleeve shirts around them)

The last I heard she was living in trailer park pregnant with her 3rd child with a husband in prison. Parents don't realize what they can do to a their children when they push them.

[Oldsparkie]

Hi Meredith

I can sort of relate to your Mother's feelings as my daughter is 28 too. I am afraid that no matter how old our children are it is very difficult to aprove of their choice of partner as in my case anyway my Daughter's choice is never good enough no matter who he is. I think it is a natrual parental reaction to not wanting to let go no matter how old your children are.

However as many have said here you are your own person to make your own life choices, I am sure your love for the guy goes way past his chair and hopefully in time your Mum will see well past the chair too. I suspect at the moment that's all she can see, the WC, not the wonderful guy sitting in it.

A couple of years ago I was "dating" a mature age gal and would you beleive it was her children's pressure that finally ended it. How could their Mum possibly date " an old cripple with nothing below his belly button" Sad but true.

OldSparkie

[rkzenrage]

Tim13, on Jan 6 2009, 09:12 AM, said:

Hmmm, mixed feelings here, as a crippled guy i think its great that you are able to overlook physical differences to be with someone you care about and I wish you both the best.

but...

As a parent, I'd be less than enthusiastic if my daughter brought home a guy in a wheelchair, or a 600 lb sumo wrestler or decided to date a guy on death row-not good enough for her in my eyes is the key here. Call it narrow minded, selfish, whatever but most parents have certain idealistic hopes and visions of how their children's lives should be and picking somebody "different" to spend it with usually isn't included. Granted, I wouldn't be as vocal as your mom but inside I would worry and hope she came to her senses. And yes, I'd still feel that way as I attended their 50th anniversary aboard their private yatch, parents can be like that :-)

You have every right to love whomever you want and shouldn't let anything get in the way but be diplomatic. Don't burn your bridges with your family over this-no matter how good a relationship can be, many end.


good luck

Just doing what she wants is not burning a bridge. She does not have to call her mother a bigot to her face but there is nothing wrong with a simple "Mom, it's none of your business.... if you don't like him you don't have to spend time with him. I'll see you the day after every holiday."