16 replies to this topic

[reaven85]

Everytime we get in a fight he tells me his accident was my fault. He also tells me that he wishes he never met me cause if he hadn't he would be walking right now? I can't help but think he is right?

The accident was just that. An accident. Nobody is quite sure how he managed to do it? He was driving home from work. He hadn't even left the "Hill" (area he worked in) He was going around a curve that wasn't sharp and he was not speeding but somehow he lost control and went over he fell down about 500 ft flipping bumper to bumper 5 times in the embankment? Oh yeah and he didnt have his cell phone. (i added a pic of the road)

How could that have possibly been my fault right? Thats what I first thought when he said it. Well first off the car he was driving was my brand new mailibu. He had bought it for me just 2 months prior. The only reason he drove it that day was because of gas. He drives a big truck. He works an hour in a half away. I didnt want to give him my last 20 and it was the day before payday so I told him go ahead and use my car but u better keep it clean...LOL! HA keep it clean?!?!? (there is also before and after shots of my car)

So anyways if I hadn't chosen that car he would not have wrecked it. Or if I had just given him that 20 he would not have wrecked....but theres more reasons he says its all my fault. He says that if he wasn't driving to my house he would have had to take an alternate route so therefore he would not have been on that particular road and would not have gotten in the accident.

Its pretty convincing huh? So for the rest of my life I have to live with the guilt of thinking/knowing that I am the reason that the love of my life is paralyzed

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[Nickleblue]

If everything you said is true (and i have no reason to doubt it) then it sounds like it was just that "an accident" and you certainly did nothing wrong.
I would point that out cleanly and bluntly to him.
Alot of people make a "scapegoat" for a situation especially of high emotional content when that emotion is too hard to deal with /and/or take responsibility for.
eg - my father was beaten up when i was a child we then moved place to place then my father decided to kill someone I care about.
(what can i say my fathers an idiot...) anyway...
all through growing up I blamed the person who beat my father....why? "under the logic that if he hadnt been beaten we wouldnt have been made homeless therefore the person would not have been killed..." its all "illogical and rubbish" to boot. but it enabled me back then to place the blame elsewhere instead of at my fathers door...
simply too hard to deal with back then.
I beleive thats whats happening here. - Your guy needs space but to be told firmly your not repsonsible every time he makes that comment OR a swift dose of reality...
personally id keep telling him straight everytime he asked and if he kept it up "Then" put it on the line "accept this or walk.." (no pun intended).
Gary.

[kdenon01]

Yeah, wow...

What an ass for blaming you. I wouldn't put up with that..noway, no how.

Basically the SAME thing happened to my husband. Just driving home after work, 3pm, no curve in the road, drives off and hit a tree. No other cars, no nothing. But he never would blame ANYONE for what happened to him. Except himself.

You need to tell you man, that he better take full responsibility for his own actions, because he sounds like a little cry baby.

[LuckyinKentucky]

Simply put He's full of shit. When life throws you a curveball often the easiest thing to do is to blame the pitcher... or even the ball. But it's not either's fault... it's just part of the game.. The chance of getting a curveball is just a risk you take for playing the game (a.k.a. living life).

[Ches]

You two seem to have a horrible relationship. The guy is miserable SCI or not, and it sounds like he isnt going to change that attitude anytime soon.

It wasnt your fault. Unless you purposely had ur check held till pay day, put the curves on the road, and possibly hired someone to run him off the road. Then it would be your fault.

Reaven.. are you ever going to learn?

[Missy6]

What a !
Tell him, that he is hurting you, if that doesn't help you should figure out if that relationship is worth it.

Ches

[edlee]

Hey guys,,, lighten up on the girl. If you,ve been here for a while you already know about Reaven and her man.

He hasn't changed any since her first post,,, and as I said then,,, he probably won't.

She has decided to overlook his many flaws, and put up with his rants,,,, it is,, after all her choice. We all advised her to kick him to the curb, long ago, so repeating that mantra seems counterproductive.

Reaven,,, you let this guy drive your car,,,, he bought it for you, so he must have thought it safe. He was coming home to you,,, one of his better choices if you ask me,,,,

The only one at fault, here, was the idiot behind the wheel. And looking at the remains of the car,,, I would say he was a very lucky idiot.
ed

[JesseB]

reav, that guy has no right to blame you for his accident.

all I have to say.

[reaven85]

Well He broke up with me. His stupid ass little F****IN LAME LOSER BROTHER GOT OUT OF PRISON!! He told bricen that I was "playin" Him that I was just here for a free ride!!!!! A FREE F****IN RIDE?!? He told me its over he told me his family is right about me. (yet they havent been here!!!!!) ITS ONLY BEEN MEEE!!!! He is ripping my daughter out of my life the daughter who by birth may not be mine but Im the only mama she knows! He is giving her to his alcoholic mother who already killed her own daughter drunk driving and continues to drink constantly and call my daughter chelsea her deceased daughters name! Bricen told me that he doesn't love me. Its my fault he isnt walking cause if he was home he would be at project walk. LOL Which no one would have known about if I had not found it! AS A MATTER OF FACT the only reason we know half of what we know is because I researched for hours and eventually found this site and recieved LOADS of advice from you! But hey im no good for him. He doesnt love me And apparently im a gold digger...LMAO He gets disability!!! My ex the one i left for him made $3500 EVERY OTHER WEEK! LOL I get more money in child support! MAN I wasted so many tears,prayers,sleepless nights,weekends,KISSES HUGS and for what??? NOTHING! for a broken heart and a few broken possesions. Oh and no bed cause he ruined mine and bought a new one that he is taking...damn well i guess i have no reason to be on here Im not a spouse or caregiver anymore....just a fu***** FOOL! thanks to all of you that put up with me....you really did help out a lot even the blunt ones...damn

[E-DOG]

And to think!
Only ten minutes ago you two were SO happy.

Guess we'll just have to give it another ten minutes.

Or maybe, Reaven85, you could start using your head for something besides a hat-rack.
I've read your posts Reav', the potential IS there.

E

p.s. Has he told you when he's planning on fixing your car?

Edited by E-DOG, 03 January 2009 - 02:04 AM.

[Ches]

I agree Edog.. things could be so much better for her.

OK OK that line about being a golddigger was pretty f*@king funny.. Im always worried guys are just dating me for my disability checks. If the dude was that loaded he would be at project walk already whether it meant he moved away for a few months or completely relocated.

He's so full of excuses...

And yeah Edlee I feel ya too.. I shouldnt be so harsh but at the same time.. its a feminist thing I suppose.. I dislike girls that let themselves get ran over by men constantly.

Reaven Ill teach you a few things, if needed ;)

[Slowlegs]

Hi Reaven, if you can possibly resist his obviously potent charms of seduction for long, DON'T GO BACK! And if you do go back to him which I feel there is a good chance of once he lashes out at his family or runs out of money and is kicked out by them, remember it was him who quite possibly fell asleep at the wheel and crashed the car. No more your fault as much as it is mine.

[Nickleblue]

Hi reaven - seems your relationship issues kinda sorting itself out I'd just wait to see what happens / or what doesnt. - however re the "goodbye" aspect of your speach.
Im guessing you gained a wealth of knowldge re SCI on your travels around the web that would be endlessly useful to people on the site. - Would be good to stick around not just for people on here but possibly a good support for yourself.
Take care
Nickle.

[edlee]

Reaven,,,,, he just did you the biggest favor that could have been done.

As i told you in answer to your first post, here,,,, He was an ass before his SCI,,,, that hasn't changed.

Consider yourself lucky,,,,, then get on with your life,,,, without him in it.
ed

[Sammie]

I shared your post with my bf who is the one living his life in a chair and he states (I agree) that it sounds like your BF does not really feel you are to blame but really wants to drive you away because of his situation. He said that it also seems like he is still in his mourning period and depressed, which colors people's attitudes towards things and their ability to see a positive future.
You have two choices- to come to an agreement that you no longer are to be accused of being any part of this situation and work on moving forward together, or give him his wish and move forward.
You can not make people who they are not, but in times of transisition you can be the stronger one.
Best of luck. K

[Sammie]

Wow, just move on, and put the past behind you- this sounds like it was a relationship headed for disaster before his accident. I think my BF and i gave him more credit than earned in this case. Just focus on what you need to do for you and put this nightmare behind you. AND a good thing- you know from talking on this site that there are so many great people out there in or out of chairs that your experience could lead you to in the future. If you meet someone in the future that is in a chair at least you will know from talking on here that most people have a good and positive core, and not everyone is like your (thank heavens) ex.
Look to the future, and change your cell number, house number, address if you can. STAY GONE!

[rkzenrage]

No part of what happened is your fault in ANY WAY, period.
All things are interconnected, interdependent, in some way.... he is just twisting this fact to suit his issues with needing a "why".
There is no why, for some of us that is the hardest and last step to really moving on.