[Hope Brookes]

okay well my bestfriend Kaci (21 years old been paralyzed for a year and ahalf T8 she came out of hospital not so long ago) I moved in with her because she has no family and stuf, so .. anyway i massage her legs morning afternoon and night to maintain circulation because hers isnt always that good at the moment i tell her just before i am about to start and ask her if thats okay , and she says" ye its fine stop telling me when you gona massage it just do it i dont need to know" but she mostly sits there with her ear fones in and her eyes closed so if i dont tell her she wont know im doing it which i think is wrong i cant just violate her space like that but she keeps telling me not to tell her when im doing her massaging ...

please someone who is paralyzed tell me how you feel about others touching you? and is this normal her not wanting me to let her know?

i feel like im moraly doing somthing wrong because you cant just touch someone without them knowing what your doing but she continuesly just doesnt want me to ask her or tell her shes j ust like " ye go on do what you like im not bothered"

what do i do?

is anyone out there feel this way or how do you feel about it coz i dont know anything and im tryign to learn and see things from her point of view

thank you so much

[Texaswheelz]

If your just massaging her legs and she doesn't want you to tell her then don't. I'm not for sure why you think you need to massage her legs all the time though, do you have a tiny small crush on her maybe?

[Meredith]

hey there...i'm not paralyzed but i just wanted to post to you very quickly! my bf is paralyzed and i rarely (actually never) touch him where he can't feel without telling him. i think it makes sense to tell your friend and i agree with you that it would seem like an invasion perhaps if you/we didn't. i don't know why she tells you not to tell her but i would just let her know regardless. you are doing a good thing for her by providing therapy and helping her circulation and unless she asks you to stop, i'd let her know and carry on. my bf is 16 yrs post injury and still has concerns and issues everyday so i can't imagine what your friend is going through. but you are a great friend and keep on keeping on! take care and best wishes!

ps-and i would just ignore the above post about the crush...stupid!

[joscry4]

i agree siregard that stupid comment above. I think your doing alot. i wouldent do the massage thing she has to realize the importance of circulation on her own. she sounds like shes taking for grated of you.

[ohio4282]

I'm in very much the same position as Meredith, so I don't know how much my reply is worth. However, I would take her statement of you not needing to let her know when you are doing it as permission.

I respect that you don't like to touch her without her noticing it, it is kind of admirable. If she doesn't mind, take it at face value. And I've found in dating a paraplegic that the best bet is to be open about things I don't understand or even know about. If you are going to provide care for her, both of you should be comfortable. If she keeps telling you not to bring it up, she probably means it. Maybe you should have a conversation with her about it, tell her how you feel about it and tell her you feel you need permission, if not every time, than at least a general promise that it doesn't bother her and if for some reason, she doesn't want you to do it that day, to tell you so. Open communication is everything.

[Slowlegs]

Hi, yes, admirable that you won't touch her without her knowing. I am not sure how long it is since her injury but perhaps she can't bear the thought (or sight) of someone else touching her when she can't feel it. Perhaps she dislikes not being able to feel her legs which is why she puts the ipod on and shuts her eyes - it may be all too much for her to handle at the moment. Just my thoughts though. I have no problem with taking my clothes off in front of a room full of doctors and nurses but still find it hard at times to have someone look at or touch my legs in a social situation. In the medical area you aren't judged, outside of that world you are.

[Ana]

Slowlegs is making a lot of sense. From what you told about her reaction to you massaging her legs, I also feel it is too much to handle for her at the moment. I would stop the massages and discuss other ways to get the blood circulation going with her. I don't know if she is ready to discuss this yet though.

I also think it is admirable that you want her to know when you are touching her. Seems like common courtesy to me. My boyfriend has no problem with me touching him where he can't feel, and I don't always tell him also. That would feel very unnatural and forced to us, when you are in an intimate, loving, trustworthy relationship. We just do what we do without thinking about it. If we feel like touching each other we just do it.

[Sandra62]

Hope, you got very good answers. I think you may realise the point.
But also I dont think it is really necessary that only you do massage( or anything else) if neccesarry without her contribution. (I do all my massage by myself). So maybe you try not to do it until she you asks for it. I dont think if you skip couple of masssges anything is going to happen.
Nobody from outside should take the responsibility of taking care for ourself.

[Hope Brookes]

Texaswheelz, on Jan 19 2009, 11:45 PM, said:

If your just massaging her legs and she doesn't want you to tell her then don't. I'm not for sure why you think you need to massage her legs all the time though, do you have a tiny small crush on her maybe?

ha eeew no im pretty sure im straight dude lol and the doc guy said that she has pure curculation tht i should do it about twice a day n tht should help the curculation> xx

Meredith, on Jan 20 2009, 01:56 AM, said:

hey there...i'm not paralyzed but i just wanted to post to you very quickly! my bf is paralyzed and i rarely (actually never) touch him where he can't feel without telling him. i think it makes sense to tell your friend and i agree with you that it would seem like an invasion perhaps if you/we didn't. i don't know why she tells you not to tell her but i would just let her know regardless. you are doing a good thing for her by providing therapy and helping her circulation and unless she asks you to stop, i'd let her know and carry on. my bf is 16 yrs post injury and still has concerns and issues everyday so i can't imagine what your friend is going through. but you are a great friend and keep on keeping on! take care and best wishes!

ps-and i would just ignore the above post about the crush...stupid!

thank you so much meridith and ye i didnt get tht comment either :s thanks alot hun and i agree with what you say i think il still tell her regardless what she tells me not to thanks so muchhh i really apreciate it
helped alot x

joscry4, on Jan 20 2009, 02:55 AM, said:

i agree siregard that stupid comment above. I think your doing alot. i wouldent do the massage thing she has to realize the importance of circulation on her own. she sounds like shes taking for grated of you.

aww maybe you rright thank you very much

ohio4282, on Jan 20 2009, 05:40 AM, said:

I'm in very much the same position as Meredith, so I don't know how much my reply is worth. However, I would take her statement of you not needing to let her know when you are doing it as permission.

I respect that you don't like to touch her without her noticing it, it is kind of admirable. If she doesn't mind, take it at face value. And I've found in dating a paraplegic that the best bet is to be open about things I don't understand or even know about. If you are going to provide care for her, both of you should be comfortable. If she keeps telling you not to bring it up, she probably means it. Maybe you should have a conversation with her about it, tell her how you feel about it and tell her you feel you need permission, if not every time, than at least a general promise that it doesn't bother her and if for some reason, she doesn't want you to do it that day, to tell you so. Open communication is everything.

aww wow thank you so much and your reply is worth 100%! thank you so much your so helpful hun

and i think yoru doing a great thing

[Hope Brookes]

Slowlegs, on Jan 20 2009, 05:59 AM, said:

Hi, yes, admirable that you won't touch her without her knowing. I am not sure how long it is since her injury but perhaps she can't bear the thought (or sight) of someone else touching her when she can't feel it. Perhaps she dislikes not being able to feel her legs which is why she puts the ipod on and shuts her eyes - it may be all too much for her to handle at the moment. Just my thoughts though. I have no problem with taking my clothes off in front of a room full of doctors and nurses but still find it hard at times to have someone look at or touch my legs in a social situation. In the medical area you aren't judged, outside of that world you are.

wow that made so much sence i really apreciate the first hand experiance comment thank you so much because it made so much sence!

thank you lots

[Hope Brookes]

Ana, on Jan 20 2009, 07:23 AM, said:

Slowlegs is making a lot of sense. From what you told about her reaction to you massaging her legs, I also feel it is too much to handle for her at the moment. I would stop the massages and discuss other ways to get the blood circulation going with her. I don't know if she is ready to discuss this yet though.

I also think it is admirable that you want her to know when you are touching her. Seems like common courtesy to me. My boyfriend has no problem with me touching him where he can't feel, and I don't always tell him also. That would feel very unnatural and forced to us, when you are in an intimate, loving, trustworthy relationship. We just do what we do without thinking about it. If we feel like touching each other we just do it.

aww wow thank you so much and i think i will ask her i have tried and she just says she doesnt care but i think i will try and catch her when she is in a good mood which is pretty much never lol

and aww im so happy for you and your fianc'e i am glad your happy and your right we just need to sort it out between us and comunicate thanks alot your so helpful


Hope Broookes.

Sandra62, on Jan 20 2009, 09:29 AM, said:

Hope, you got very good answers. I think you may realise the point.
But also I dont think it is really necessary that only you do massage( or anything else) if neccesarry without her contribution. (I do all my massage by myself). So maybe you try not to do it until she you asks for it. I dont think if you skip couple of masssges anything is going to happen.
Nobody from outside should take the responsibility of taking care for ourself.

your so right!

and she is the one who asked me to do it :s becuase she doesnt like to touch her lower half :S
But i have told her she needs to do it herself but it just ends up into an arguemnt but thank you very much hun

[BexG.89]

I won't touch Luke intentionally where he can't feel it without telling him first. He took a long time to be able to bring himself to touch where he couldn't feel it and refused to get out of bed and into a chair for weeks.
Your friend will eventually come to terms with not being able to feel the lower part of her body but you need to give her time and encourage her to talk to you about it, but without forcing it on her, if you know what I mean.
Sorry, I'm not the best at explaining stuff!

[Spinner]

I asked my man last night if he minds me touching him where he can't feel without me telling him. He said he doesn't have a problem with it. This thread totally got me thinking because I love to touch him constantly and I have never asked if he minded my doing it without him knowing. Anyway, he doesn't mind at all and that makes me very happy. I guess it is a very individual thing.

[the_walrus]

I think you should keep on telling her, when she tell's you to not tell her I suggest you just say how you feel and why you tell her that,
I agree that she might not like the fact that she can't feel you touvhing her feet, that's probably a normal thing, a few years after my injury I remeber being the complete opposite for some time, I insisted people tell me when they touch where I have no sensation, I guess I felt insecure since someone could have been doing something with me knowing, which is kinda dumb since I'm not blind . . .

[sbrown955]

Hope Brookes, on Jan 19 2009, 03:37 PM, said:

okay well my bestfriend Kaci (21 years old been paralyzed for a year and ahalf T8 she came out of hospital not so long ago) I moved in with her because she has no family and stuf, so .. anyway i massage her legs morning afternoon and night to maintain circulation because hers isnt always that good at the moment i tell her just before i am about to start and ask her if thats okay , and she says" ye its fine stop telling me when you gona massage it just do it i dont need to know" but she mostly sits there with her ear fones in and her eyes closed so if i dont tell her she wont know im doing it which i think is wrong i cant just violate her space like that but she keeps telling me not to tell her when im doing her massaging ...

please someone who is paralyzed tell me how you feel about others touching you? and is this normal her not wanting me to let her know?

i feel like im moraly doing somthing wrong because you cant just touch someone without them knowing what your doing but she continuesly just doesnt want me to ask her or tell her shes j ust like " ye go on do what you like im not bothered"

what do i do?

is anyone out there feel this way or how do you feel about it coz i dont know anything and im tryign to learn and see things from her point of view

thank you so much

sbrown955, on Mar 11 2009, 06:49 PM, said:

Hope Brookes, on Jan 19 2009, 03:37 PM, said:

okay well my bestfriend Kaci (21 years old been paralyzed for a year and ahalf T8 she came out of hospital not so long ago) I moved in with her because she has no family and stuf, so .. anyway i massage her legs morning afternoon and night to maintain circulation because hers isnt always that good at the moment i tell her just before i am about to start and ask her if thats okay , and she says" ye its fine stop telling me when you gona massage it just do it i dont need to know" but she mostly sits there with her ear fones in and her eyes closed so if i dont tell her she wont know im doing it which i think is wrong i cant just violate her space like that but she keeps telling me not to tell her when im doing her massaging ...

please someone who is paralyzed tell me how you feel about others touching you? and is this normal her not wanting me to let her know?

i feel like im moraly doing somthing wrong because you cant just touch someone without them knowing what your doing but she continuesly just doesnt want me to ask her or tell her shes j ust like " ye go on do what you like im not bothered"

what do i do?

is anyone out there feel this way or how do you feel about it coz i dont know anything and im tryign to learn and see things from her point of view

thank you so much

My daughter was injured two years ago (T-9) and didn't like me talking too much about her paralysis until recently. For your situation, I would suggest that you not ask, but instead keep sort of a running commentary while you are massaging your friend's legs. For example, instead of asking, "can I start," just say "okay left leg, it's your turn," then when you're ready to switch to the right leg, say that now you're going to massage the right leg. That way, you're still letting her know when you're touching her legs (I'm with you--it's only polite to let her know what you're doing) but she doesn't have to respond or give approval.
Good luck.
Susan