Hi everyone,
First of all i feel a bit of a fraud after reading all of the uplifting stories in this forum and i apologise for my downbeat post. On the 18th September 2005 i crashed my motorbike whilst racing at Mallory park in the UK and sustained a SCI at the C3/C4 level. Whilst the initial diagnosis was that my condition was permanent, it quickly became apparent that the doctors had got it very wrong. Within 7 weeks i was discharged from hospital and on my feet (although very unsteadily) and i now have enough hand use to type this post. My physical condition continues to improve but i find that i am falling into a heavy depression on increasingly frequent occasions.I am aware that i am so lucky to even be alive, given the severity of the crash, and lucky to be out of hospital, given the nature of the injury, but i tend to sit at home feeling sorry for myself. I realise that i am lucky to have a family, Debby (my partner) and friends who love me and care for me but i feel totally alone and, at times, that my life is over. I am normally an upbeat guy but these feelings are starting to take over everything.
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Kwaka
, Jan 23 2006 10:29 AM
6 replies to this topic
Top#2 *Gary*
*Gary*
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Posted 23 January 2006 - 10:58 AM
Read your post with interest. ANyone who knows me will tell you that 16 yeras ago I was involved in a train crash. I landed on the floor on my ass and damaged the cauda equina nerves at the base of the spine. I spent time in hospital before going to a spinal unit where the docs did not know what to do with me. My spinal cord is intact no damage and there are no broken bones, I am paralysed due to nerve damage.
I had a helluva time coping. I could feel and move my legs but the mechanism to walk was knacked. Anyway, I returned to work as an anaesthetist and settled down with my partner Suzy - life was brill.
UNTIL 1/1/06. The new posts will tell you that my family was involved in a car crash which crippled my nephew and seriously injured me. Anyway, it is only NOW that I am suffering from depression. My partner Suzy is at her Mum's as she has had a serious operation. I am recoveng from 2 broken legs and a broken arm and being looked after by my parents. Yet I just cannot shake the "Blues" call it what you like. Suddenly, the light has gone out of life.
Well. Here's what I wsa told. It is like "Black Dug" creeping across your shoulder. To get rid you have to just focus on something, anything, and try to get him to go. It is easier said than done, however, I try to force myself to be positive and keep busy to the point of exhaustion so that when I go to bed at night I fall asleep.
Like me, your problem seems to be the fact that you suffered a spinal injury but are not actually spinally injured permanently. You will suffer the same emotions, etc. The best advice I can offer is keep reading and posting on these boards. The sympathy you get is great and the help is second to none. Even just getting it off your chest will help.
Sorry I cant be of more help but for once a problem jumped out at me that I can relate to.
Best of luck and I am praying for you.
Gary
I had a helluva time coping. I could feel and move my legs but the mechanism to walk was knacked. Anyway, I returned to work as an anaesthetist and settled down with my partner Suzy - life was brill.
UNTIL 1/1/06. The new posts will tell you that my family was involved in a car crash which crippled my nephew and seriously injured me. Anyway, it is only NOW that I am suffering from depression. My partner Suzy is at her Mum's as she has had a serious operation. I am recoveng from 2 broken legs and a broken arm and being looked after by my parents. Yet I just cannot shake the "Blues" call it what you like. Suddenly, the light has gone out of life.
Well. Here's what I wsa told. It is like "Black Dug" creeping across your shoulder. To get rid you have to just focus on something, anything, and try to get him to go. It is easier said than done, however, I try to force myself to be positive and keep busy to the point of exhaustion so that when I go to bed at night I fall asleep.
Like me, your problem seems to be the fact that you suffered a spinal injury but are not actually spinally injured permanently. You will suffer the same emotions, etc. The best advice I can offer is keep reading and posting on these boards. The sympathy you get is great and the help is second to none. Even just getting it off your chest will help.
Sorry I cant be of more help but for once a problem jumped out at me that I can relate to.
Best of luck and I am praying for you.
Gary
#3
Kwaka
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Posted 23 January 2006 - 12:05 PM
Hi Gary,
Thanks for your reply -
I do not discuss my mental problems with those close to me as they have enough to contend with with my physical needs so I tend to bottle things up and put on a 'brave face'.
It means a lot when someone else understands.
Thanks again.
Good luck and best wishes.
Tony
Thanks for your reply -
I do not discuss my mental problems with those close to me as they have enough to contend with with my physical needs so I tend to bottle things up and put on a 'brave face'.
It means a lot when someone else understands.
Thanks again.
Good luck and best wishes.
Tony
#4
gazrobsuk
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Posted 23 January 2006 - 04:39 PM
Hi Tony,
I don't reckon you're a fraud coz you are so lucky/incomplete. I too am a C3-4 incomplete & feel very lucky compared to most quads despite chronic pain. In my first year I had a lot of depression but eventually just decided to make the best of it as it's a straight line... up or down IMO.
My full story is on my web below but my advice is hang in there it gets better & the more you push yourself the more you can do so don't give up. I'm 5 years post injury & can do a lot & am still beating my targets each month (see diary/blog)
Hey I've done track days at Mallory nice little track. If you have any questions I'm more than happy to chat via mail etc so just ask as our injuries look 'similar' but I was in Stoke M for 7 months.
Gaz
http://www.gazrobs.freeuk.com
I don't reckon you're a fraud coz you are so lucky/incomplete. I too am a C3-4 incomplete & feel very lucky compared to most quads despite chronic pain. In my first year I had a lot of depression but eventually just decided to make the best of it as it's a straight line... up or down IMO.
My full story is on my web below but my advice is hang in there it gets better & the more you push yourself the more you can do so don't give up. I'm 5 years post injury & can do a lot & am still beating my targets each month (see diary/blog)
Hey I've done track days at Mallory nice little track. If you have any questions I'm more than happy to chat via mail etc so just ask as our injuries look 'similar' but I was in Stoke M for 7 months.
Gaz
http://www.gazrobs.freeuk.com
#5
Joed
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Posted 23 January 2006 - 06:38 PM
Tony...
I think Gary has given some sound advice....stay busy...force yourself if you have to. I was 'lucky' because at the time of my injury, my son was three y/o....no luxury of idleness! He still keeps me quite busy...in fact, if not for him I would probably not don my behemoth of a leg brace everyday (which is a painful process in itself) and hobble out to my car to take him to school or karate lessons.
The depression is natural after an injury like yours, especially if you have pain on top of it. Pain and depression, metabolically speaking, go hand in hand. Pain alters the chemical balance in the brain to help us cope, but the fallout is depression.
Don't hesitate to seek out medical consult for your depression, if you feel it's more than you can overcome on your own right now. Managing your depression is critical in your physical recovery, as you will be more motivated to move around and relclaim your usual routines.
A fraud you are not....just someone trying to stay afloat after a devastating injury. I'm glad you came here to seek out some answers...that in itself is a huge sign of your fighting spirit. Keep fighting the good fight!
~Blessings
I think Gary has given some sound advice....stay busy...force yourself if you have to. I was 'lucky' because at the time of my injury, my son was three y/o....no luxury of idleness! He still keeps me quite busy...in fact, if not for him I would probably not don my behemoth of a leg brace everyday (which is a painful process in itself) and hobble out to my car to take him to school or karate lessons.
The depression is natural after an injury like yours, especially if you have pain on top of it. Pain and depression, metabolically speaking, go hand in hand. Pain alters the chemical balance in the brain to help us cope, but the fallout is depression.
Don't hesitate to seek out medical consult for your depression, if you feel it's more than you can overcome on your own right now. Managing your depression is critical in your physical recovery, as you will be more motivated to move around and relclaim your usual routines.
A fraud you are not....just someone trying to stay afloat after a devastating injury. I'm glad you came here to seek out some answers...that in itself is a huge sign of your fighting spirit. Keep fighting the good fight!
~Blessings
* * * * * * * * *
Female. Incomplete para following a cord stroke in '03. Spina-bifida, severe scoliosis. 18 surgeries total...five spine-related: Three fusions w/hardware, two tethered cord releases.
Female. Incomplete para following a cord stroke in '03. Spina-bifida, severe scoliosis. 18 surgeries total...five spine-related: Three fusions w/hardware, two tethered cord releases.
#6
Kwaka
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Posted 16 May 2006 - 05:04 PM
Strange how things move on - in some respects my depression was/is as hard to deal with as my injury.
4 months on from my last post, my black moods are still here (sometimes) but my physical wellbeing has improved immeasurably - I can walk (run even!), look after myself in all ways (cooking, cleaning,bathing etc).
I have stopped feeling sorry for myself (mostly) and appreciate that i am so lucky to be as i am.
However, i have had to stop visiting the friends i made in hospital - I get the impression that my improved health has a detrimental effect on them and that they get jealous (if that is the right word) - they don't say anything, it is just a look in their eyes.
I am no longer part of the "in crowd".
I became quite close to some of the other patients but feel as if i am flaunting my health when i see them.
I do not know what reaction i will get to this post, if any, or even what i am asking by posting it - Just wanted to sound off.
Thanks for listening/reading.
4 months on from my last post, my black moods are still here (sometimes) but my physical wellbeing has improved immeasurably - I can walk (run even!), look after myself in all ways (cooking, cleaning,bathing etc).
I have stopped feeling sorry for myself (mostly) and appreciate that i am so lucky to be as i am.
However, i have had to stop visiting the friends i made in hospital - I get the impression that my improved health has a detrimental effect on them and that they get jealous (if that is the right word) - they don't say anything, it is just a look in their eyes.
I am no longer part of the "in crowd".
I became quite close to some of the other patients but feel as if i am flaunting my health when i see them.
I do not know what reaction i will get to this post, if any, or even what i am asking by posting it - Just wanted to sound off.
Thanks for listening/reading.
#7
dom
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Posted 16 May 2006 - 06:42 PM
hi kwaka
i too can understand your feelings about not visiting 'fellow ex-patients/friends' you are in a very difficult situation it is bad from the viewpoint of them as well as yourself because they must think that now you are 'fitter' you have 'moved on' and are neglecting then , a bit of an 'im alright jack' syndrome
but also you must feel that there is nothing you can do about your 'improved health'and people should feel
'pleased for you'
Also your problems 'pale into insignificance' when compared to your mates but to you they are still 'problems' and different to how you were
if someone stubs their big toe on the furniture they complain, it is only human and in no way is frivolous to the person concerned
but we all have varying degrees of suffering and depression, a person with a little injury can be more depressed than a person with a major one it is again to do with the human psyche
as we know aftercare is important too, if we have no help or an unsympathetic partner these can make a small amount of adjustment a huge insurmountable task and the reverse is also true
time elapsed after injury, circumstances surrounding injury and mental health all affect a patients recovery
I was very fed up when i could'nt play the piano because of my little finger nerve was compressed! seems like an inconsequential problem to other s but to me it was disaster, again i don' mean to offend others but we are only human after all and we generally 'see' things from our perspective
to me it is one of the less desirable traits in the human race and i try to dismiss feeling sorry for myself as soon as i realise i am doing it but it is a very difficult thing to
please feel free to email me if you want god love you
i too can understand your feelings about not visiting 'fellow ex-patients/friends' you are in a very difficult situation it is bad from the viewpoint of them as well as yourself because they must think that now you are 'fitter' you have 'moved on' and are neglecting then , a bit of an 'im alright jack' syndrome
but also you must feel that there is nothing you can do about your 'improved health'and people should feel
'pleased for you'
Also your problems 'pale into insignificance' when compared to your mates but to you they are still 'problems' and different to how you were
if someone stubs their big toe on the furniture they complain, it is only human and in no way is frivolous to the person concerned
but we all have varying degrees of suffering and depression, a person with a little injury can be more depressed than a person with a major one it is again to do with the human psyche
as we know aftercare is important too, if we have no help or an unsympathetic partner these can make a small amount of adjustment a huge insurmountable task and the reverse is also true
time elapsed after injury, circumstances surrounding injury and mental health all affect a patients recovery
I was very fed up when i could'nt play the piano because of my little finger nerve was compressed! seems like an inconsequential problem to other s but to me it was disaster, again i don' mean to offend others but we are only human after all and we generally 'see' things from our perspective
to me it is one of the less desirable traits in the human race and i try to dismiss feeling sorry for myself as soon as i realise i am doing it but it is a very difficult thing to
please feel free to email me if you want god love you
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