[brandielaw]

My name is Brandie. My husband, Jay became disabled in Dec. 2007. His is SCI T8 complete. We have been married for 7 years with one 3 year old son. I love my husband very much and would do anything for him. We have had a wonderful marriage with the usual ups and downs until lately. I am his primary caregiver eventhough he can do almost everything with minimun or no help. I feel that our marriage is starting to fall apart. We have not had sex since the accident (his choice) and I'm ok with that, but he really doesn't touch me, kiss me or anything anymore. I feel like he thinks I am his maid and caregiver and that is all. I am starting to feel resentment toward him for me feeling like this. Am I wrong? I am starting to feel like it is time for him and others to stop feeling sorry for him. Am I wrong for that also? I will help him anyway he needs me to, but sometimes it seems like he had rather someone do stuff for him than try himself or he had rather someone feel sorry for him and take care of his needs for him. For example this past weekend, he never once got out of bed to play with his son when his son repeatly asked him to. He said he was sore and just stayed in bed and watched tv all weekend. I understand he needs time to adjust, but how long should I give him before I expect him to do things too. If I am at work then he manages to do everything on his own. Could someone give me some insight and let me know if I am wrong or what I should do to help him and our marriage.

UPDATE: I am so sorry but I typed that my husband's injury was in 2008 but I meant it was in Dec. 2007.

This post has been edited by brandielaw: 27 January 2009 - 01:42 PM

[kdenon01]

Because his injury is so new I am sure that he still has some acceptance and adjusting to go through. For my hubby and I, it took much much much longer than just a couple months for the both of us to adjust to our new way of life...more like a year.

Have you talked to him about how he makes you feel? Tell him that you need to feel special, and like his wife..not just his caregiver. He needs to make sure that he shows his appreciation for you.

[ziggy]

I'm not married, but for me, the hardest time for me mentally was about a month after getting out of the hospital/rehab. It initially felt great to be out of the hospital after being there about 5-6 months, but then the full reality of my life change hit me smack in the face.

In rehab, while i noticed how my body was affected, i was working daily on trying to get better, which took my mind off somewhat my situation. Plus, i was in rehab with multiple other people in the same boat as me. At home, i was alone in my disability.

So after the initial joy wore off of not being in a hospital, i started going places and seeing how my life was now so dramatically different. Pre-injury, i played softball 3 nights a week. I went to go watch one of my former teams play. Instead of it being great to go see the guys again, it hit me that i'd never play softball again which i loved. I ended up crying and asking my friend to take me home half way through the game. I'm a C-6 quad and needed help doing everything back then, it drove me crazy and made me angry because i had been so independent. I had to sell the rebuilt car i loved. Everytime someone took me anywhere, instead of seeing the bright side of being out of the house, i saw the negative side of not being able to do the things when i was out that i no longer could. I used to be a very good pool player. A friend would take me out and watching them play pool just made me bitter vs enjoying being out. They'd try to include me by asking me to try playing, but i only felt stupid fumbling around with the pool cue where as i used to be a great shot.

All these things along with not being able to play with my two year old daughter at the time drove me into a very deep and dark funk for awhile. I'd cry every time i couldn't for example help my daughter get something or change her clothes, like i was now a failure as a father. I stopped wanting to go anywhere. I started smoking more weed than Cheech and Chong combined. It wasn't a good time for me, i was angry and feeling sorry for myself. I pushed away my daughters mother who tried getting back with me. What eventually got me out of that dark place was i simply got sick of feeling depressed and sorry for myself. Plus, i was still in out patient rehab and saw kids there with stuff like MS and CP, it helped me see that while my SCI sucked ass, plenty of others had it tougher than i did. If these disabled kids could be tough and brave, what kind of wuss was i to wallow in self pity. Besides that, i'd see the pain in the eyes of their parents, while i was blessed with a healthy kid. I'd certainly rather be in my wheelchair than have my child be burdened with MS or CP.

Sorry i rambled on so long, but long story short, i was where your husband seems to be. It took time, but eventually i got out of feeling sorry for myself. It was almost like i needed a mourning time to accept that my former life as i knew it ceased to exist and i had to move on with what i now was.

Good luck to you and your family

[brandielaw]

ziggy, on Jan 26 2009, 07:54 PM, said:

I'm not married, but for me, the hardest time for me mentally was about a month after getting out of the hospital/rehab. It initially felt great to be out of the hospital after being there about 5-6 months, but then the full reality of my life change hit me smack in the face.

In rehab, while i noticed how my body was affected, i was working daily on trying to get better, which took my mind off somewhat my situation. Plus, i was in rehab with multiple other people in the same boat as me. At home, i was alone in my disability.

So after the initial joy wore off of not being in a hospital, i started going places and seeing how my life was now so dramatically different. Pre-injury, i played softball 3 nights a week. I went to go watch one of my former teams play. Instead of it being great to go see the guys again, it hit me that i'd never play softball again which i loved. I ended up crying and asking my friend to take me home half way through the game. I'm a C-6 quad and needed help doing everything back then, it drove me crazy and made me angry because i had been so independent. I had to sell the rebuilt car i loved. Everytime someone took me anywhere, instead of seeing the bright side of being out of the house, i saw the negative side of not being able to do the things when i was out that i no longer could. I used to be a very good pool player. A friend would take me out and watching them play pool just made me bitter vs enjoying being out. They'd try to include me by asking me to try playing, but i only felt stupid fumbling around with the pool cue where as i used to be a great shot.

All these things along with not being able to play with my two year old daughter at the time drove me into a very deep and dark funk for awhile. I'd cry every time i couldn't for example help my daughter get something or change her clothes, like i was now a failure as a father. I stopped wanting to go anywhere. I started smoking more weed than Cheech and Chong combined. It wasn't a good time for me, i was angry and feeling sorry for myself. I pushed away my daughters mother who tried getting back with me. What eventually got me out of that dark place was i simply got sick of feeling depressed and sorry for myself. Plus, i was still in out patient rehab and saw kids there with stuff like MS and CP, it helped me see that while my SCI sucked ass, plenty of others had it tougher than i did. If these disabled kids could be tough and brave, what kind of wuss was i to wallow in self pity. Besides that, i'd see the pain in the eyes of their parents, while i was blessed with a healthy kid. I'd certainly rather be in my wheelchair than have my child be burdened with MS or CP.

Sorry i rambled on so long, but long story short, i was where your husband seems to be. It took time, but eventually i got out of feeling sorry for myself. It was almost like i needed a mourning time to accept that my former life as i knew it ceased to exist and i had to move on with what i now was.

Good luck to you and your family

Thank you for your help. It is good to see the other side of things and sometimes that makes all the differnce and could help open someones eyes to something that has been there the whole time.

[Hawkeye]

Brandie,

Long story short... been there, done that.

Your husband needs to find a purpose in life. School, work, volunteering, hobbies. Something, anything.

The downward spiral he and your relationship are in, is all too common to folks on this board.

It's been a year, it's time for him to start figuring out what to do with the rest of his life, and more importantly how to care for his family.

Good Luck...

Joe

[kdenon01]

Quote

It's been a year, it's time for him to start figuring out what to do with the rest of his life, and more importantly how to care for his family.

Actually according to the Original Post...it's been only a couple months.

Oops...never mind....hehe.

This post has been edited by kdenon01: 27 January 2009 - 06:12 PM

[WilliamLX]

brandielaw, on Jan 26 2009, 08:12 PM, said:

My name is Brandie. My husband, Jay became disabled in Dec. 2007. His is SCI T8 complete. We have been married for 7 years with one 3 year old son. I love my husband very much and would do anything for him. We have had a wonderful marriage with the usual ups and downs until lately. I am his primary caregiver eventhough he can do almost everything with minimun or no help. I feel that our marriage is starting to fall apart. We have not had sex since the accident (his choice) and I'm ok with that, but he really doesn't touch me, kiss me or anything anymore. I feel like he thinks I am his maid and caregiver and that is all. I am starting to feel resentment toward him for me feeling like this. Am I wrong? I am starting to feel like it is time for him and others to stop feeling sorry for him. Am I wrong for that also? I will help him anyway he needs me to, but sometimes it seems like he had rather someone do stuff for him than try himself or he had rather someone feel sorry for him and take care of his needs for him. For example this past weekend, he never once got out of bed to play with his son when his son repeatly asked him to. He said he was sore and just stayed in bed and watched tv all weekend. I understand he needs time to adjust, but how long should I give him before I expect him to do things too. If I am at work then he manages to do everything on his own. Could someone give me some insight and let me know if I am wrong or what I should do to help him and our marriage.

UPDATE: I am so sorry but I typed that my husband's injury was in 2008 but I meant it was in Dec. 2007.

Brandie, I to was injured in December 2007, although not so seriously (L2 incomplete). For several months I was in too much pain from the mechanical damage to my back to contemplate intercourse. Then even after that the act is difficult because of the loss of feeling in my genitals (not complete for me unlike your husband). This was frustrating, made me feel less a man and therefore made me feel totally disinterested in sex, including just cuddling etc (because of the fear that that would encourage my wife to want more). Now I have gotten over that, but mainly I have to say because both I and my wife wanted another child. You need to talk to your husband, and it is possible he will need some counselling, but most of all he needs time and some understanding from you.

[qbounce]

Brandy,
I know it's hard for all involved, and just as traumatic for the spouses/ SO's as it is for the sci victims. Be open and honest with him about your feelings.

He should be able to do most things for himself, so back off for both your sakes and allow him the opportunity to try things on his own, one small step at a time.

The more confident he gets into doing things for himself may spill over into confidence in the bedroom later on.

[newwife08]

Brandie,
My husband was SCI before we met. He had been in other relationships, but says that ours is different. He had another surgery last year and it made him even more dependent on others. He doesn't like to ask for help and I stopped offering. Either figure out how to do it yourself, or ask for help. But I made him try first.
As far as the intimacy issues, since he doesn't have much feeling down there, he says that it feels different every time. Maybe your husband is scared that it won't feel the same. I can assure you that's probably the case. Try talking to him about it. See if he will verbalize it. It's a good start!
Also, you mention that you are his main caregiver. Do you have services in your area that provide help for the disabled? My husband has one person that comes in the morning to get him ready. Another comes at noon and 4:30 and then I get him ready for bed at night, in case we're feeling feisty!! I think that this "separation of roles" really helps with our relationship. Something to think about!
Meg

[cubanito_016]

Hi my name is Adrian and I think you should still give him more time but no sex them I got injured november 2007 I which I had a girlfriend so I could have sex again I havent had sex like 1 year already since my accident.My girlfriend was a bitch and left me when she found out I was paralyzed.But you should give him time cause It takes a while.whe sometimes have to deal with nurve pain and constipation or accident and its very hard.Thanks god for me I got my mom and my dad and famely that help me.But you should talk to him and tell him how you feel so He could understand the way you feel.Sometimes I get upset and I get mean cause maybe I have alat of nurve pain or a accident or constipation or enything that is cause of the sci and I get mean but at the end I apalogize and show my famely some love but they understand what I go thrue.Talk to him and tell him how you feel.

[rkzenrage]

I know this sounds simple... but how much of this have you told him in a calm and loving way?
I know I get caught up in the pain, the "adjusting", the worry about the next surgery or procedure and can be an ass.... sometimes I just need to be told that and I go "wow... I've been an ass.... sorry, I'll work on it". Sometimes I blow-up then say it... true, but I always end-up saying it and meaning it.

This post has been edited by rkzenrage: 26 February 2009 - 09:22 AM

[REASON2BLIEVE]

Brandie,

I am the wife, or I guess...soon to be ex-wife of a man with T-9 complete SCI. I want to tell you that I read your post and I can completely relate with what you are going through. His accident happened in Oct of 2003.

My husband did the same thing. He was completely independent if no one was around. Within 2 months of getting out of the hospital, he was on a snowmobile again. But when it was us at home with no one around behind closed doors...I was his maid, his caregiver, a full time mother to an 8 month old and I worked 40 hours a week. As time went on...he adapted to his injury and did everything he could to make sure he could hunt, fish, snowmobile and 4-wheel again. But at home, he would ask me to do things that he was very able to do (it just took him a bit longer to do it) so through those first two years, I would stick my daughter in front of a movie so I could help him at the drop of a hat with things he would do himself if he was home alone.

We ended up having to completely remodel our home. We had family and friend over constantly every weekend. I was cooking and helping get supplies while he sat by in his recliner watching and asking someone to grab him a beer or bring him some food. There were times when I would do things for our home, like painting all the exterior doors while he was out fishing and drinking w/ the neighbors. And when he would come home and I would express to him how I could have used his help...he would get mad at me and say...oh what, i don't do anything around here? That's exactly how I felt. And I began to pull away from him because if I would try to talk to him about helping me or needing time to myself, it would end up in a huge fight and he would ask...Now why are you crying?

I found myself completely overwhelmed and resenting him and everyone around us. They would cater to him and even though I kept plugging along, keeping a smile on my face...I was slowly losing my mind. We became such different people...not at all the 2 people who had once been so in love with each other. I ended up leaving for a year...I moved out cuz all we were doing was constantly fightning, throwing daggers at each other and hurting each other. I went home this past fall in hopes that time would heal my hurting heart and that it would open his eyes to what had happened to us. At first, it was okay but unfortunatly, we are now seperated again and now going to divorce. Amazingly, he is completely independent when I'm not there and continues to tell me that he loves me but says things that have hurt and cut so deep that although I have forgiven him, it is hard to forget. He has hurt my heart and soul sexually, emotionally and mentally. As hard as it was for me to make the decision, I had to make myself happy and in a better state of mind for my daughter. I was really falling apart.

My only advice to you is to not let things fester and try to ignore them thinking it will get better on their own. You may need to go to counseling. I wish my husband would have...i think it would have helped him deal with his own feelings regarding his accident and sci. I think it would have helped us understand each other more. Good luck to you Brandie. I wish you the best. Don't let what happened to us happen to you!