[Jessesgirl511]

My fiance's injury happened 12/6/08. His score is C-4 ASIA B. He is still in the hospital and will be in rehab for probably the next month or two. I am not having any major issues with the fact that he could be or will most likely be a quad forever, I love him no matter what. We have accepted what has happend and I am moving forward with Jesse (my fiance). He know's I'm going to be there for him 100%. However, there is one major issue that I desperatly need other people's advise on- his mother. Has anyone else had "space" and "control" issues with your guys mom?? (Just because we are not married I feel like I have been bumped out of my position as his other half. And she has taken my spot as his caretaker.) Am I being selfish? And how do you handle it? Is this normal?? How are Jesse and I going to have a healthy relationship with his mother always there???? PLEASE HELP.

This post has been edited by Jessesgirl511: 29 January 2009 - 11:37 PM

[Illinois Boy]

Hi Ya Jesse's Girl......

One of my favorite songs...... As far as mom is concerned, that's a tough one....

Jesse should be the one to tell her you guys need space...... But what the hell do I know.....

Good Luck,

Jim

[turbotet]

Hello, as a tetra but also as a parent i can tell you that it is awful for his parents especially his mum, its alright you saying that you love him (i dont doubt you) but you could well walk away and leave him, a lot do!, his mum however cannot leave him ever...... he is hers for good. I would suggest when mum visits him and you are there let her be herself and do what mums do... look after her child, he will always be hers, you have to work around that, when she has gone however, then he is yours. There is enough on his plate without his mum and girlfriend at each others throats. Show her you are strong enough to be there, share the burden with her, That is the best help for him.

I hope that makes sense/helps.

[Jessesgirl511]

turbotet, on Jan 29 2009, 02:15 PM, said:

Hello, as a tetra but also as a parent i can tell you that it is awful for his parents especially his mum, its alright you saying that you love him (i dont doubt you) but you could well walk away and leave him, a lot do!, his mum however cannot leave him ever...... he is hers for good. I would suggest when mum visits him and you are there let her be herself and do what mums do... look after her child, he will always be hers, you have to work around that, when she has gone however, then he is yours. There is enough on his plate without his mum and girlfriend at each others throats. Show her you are strong enough to be there, share the burden with her, That is the best help for him.

I hope that makes sense/helps.

I really appreciate your honesty. Do you think It would be different if we were already married? I mean, I have been his #1 girl this whole time and to me, it's not fair that just because now he is injured no one trusts me. Shouldn't she look at it from my point of view?

[turbotet]

I really appreciate your honesty. Do you think It would be different if we were already married? I mean, I have been his #1 girl this whole time and to me, it's not fair that just because now he is injured no one trusts me. Shouldn't she look at it from my point of view?
[/quote]


She probably never will im afraid, she may well just be a interfering mother, how old is he? how long have you 2 been together? how long have you known his mum? is he a mummies boy anyway? Just be there as much as you can, remember it is early days for ALL of you, you need to take care of yourself also, you are no good to him or yourself if you are worn out.

[Jessesgirl511]

He will be 30 in May. And we have been together for a few years now, and we have been engaged for the last 6 months. The whole family was so excited about the engaement and that Jesse finally was settling down. Thats why I'm so thrown off by his parents reaction. His mother is very attached to her sons and it has caused problems in the past with her other two sons and their spouses. So they are honestly not suprised by her acting this way to me. But up until the accident, I have never had to feel like there was competition, we had our own space and privacy. I am definatly taking care of myself, I need to be healthy that way I can be there for him.

[kdenon01]

Oh my gosh..I can totally relate!!

My hubby...[Fiance at the time of his accident] has a crazy Mom. She was very very controlling. She would tell me that I couldn't take care of him, and got everyone on her side. She wanted him to move back in with her, and even got our friends saying stuff to me. I felt so alone. My husband was out of it for a month or so. When he finally was able to talk, he told his Mom that she needed to back off.

Then we moved to Texas for a year. By OURSELVES. And then since we have moved back she pretty much keeps her mouth shut.


PS. I feel awful for you and Jesse that you have to deal with him Mom on top of everything else you two are going through.

[turbotet]

But this is not a competition so talk to him tell him that if you shy away or step back while his parents are there it is not because you dont want to help or care, its so that you do not get wound up or belittled by his mother being his mother, the novelty will wear off as time goes by. I hope you can remain calm! bite your tongue, or have a talk with his mum and devise a rota for visiting him, sometimes to many well wishers at once become a pain in the ar+e for a newly injured person.

[Jessesgirl511]

kdenon01, on Jan 29 2009, 03:50 PM, said:

Oh my gosh..I can totally relate!!

My hubby...[Fiance at the time of his accident] has a crazy Mom. She was very very controlling. She would tell me that I couldn't take care of him, and got everyone on her side. She wanted him to move back in with her, and even got our friends saying stuff to me. I felt so alone. My husband was out of it for a month or so. When he finally was able to talk, he told his Mom that she needed to back off.

Then we moved to Texas for a year. By OURSELVES. And then since we have moved back she pretty much keeps her mouth shut.


PS. I feel awful for you and Jesse that you have to deal with him Mom on top of everything else you two are going through.

You dont know how relieved I am to hear that someone else has gone through this. I feel like I'm in limbo, you know? I really hope he does say something, he loves me I know that, but I dont want him to have to choose. I just wish she would give us a break, and be happy that her son has me here for him. I let her know the other day that when Jesse gets home we are going to try and live as much of a normal life as we can, and that we are going to need our space just as we did before, and she said to me "YOU'LL NEVER KEEP ME AWAY FROM MY SON!!". Thats where she gets really crazy, I am not an evil person, obviously she is his mother and he loves her. Why would I try to do something like that. It hurts me that she sees it like that. She wants total control. How did she take it when he told your mother in law to back off?? Did she??

[kdenon01]

Quote

How did she take it when he told your mother in law to back off?? Did she??

We had a "family meeting" right there in the hospital with a therapist and my Mom, and his Mom. She cried her eyes out, she threw a little temper tantrum. It was shocking to see..because me and her were so close before. [I was with my hubby for 4 years before his accident] And we avoided eachother for the remainder of the hospital stay. She would visit from 4-5pm and I would come back at 5 and stay with him.

She continued to say really hurtful things to him when I wasn't around. She would say things like... "you don't love me." .."You don't think I can take care of you..." blah blah blah. It was very painful for him and for me. I don't want to see the man I love being put down in any way. Ya know?

I can honestly tell you that she really did back off once we got home, and she had to come to OUR house to visit. It's been 2.5 years and she has never apologized. But we are basically all back to how we used to be. It sometimes bothers me that she pretends like nothing ever happened, but she is my family now, so I just go along with it.

I hope it gets better for all of you too. I really do. It was probably one of the biggest challenges for us that came along with the SCI. You can't make everyone happy. My husband just kinda knew that his Mom was out of line....how she talked to me AND him.

Good luck with everything!!!

[Jessesgirl511]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiances, it really truly makes me feel like everything will work out. Yeah, it's going to probably get worse when Jesse tells her what our plan is when he gets home. She's definately capable of throwing tantrums and putting guilt trips on people and always seems to be the victim. Just like yours, she assumed that Jesse was going straight to her house after he was discharged, but um NO, he doesnt want to live with his mother ever again. There is no need to, he has me. And we have a house and a life together.
Sometimes I almost feel bad for even having these feelings, because I dont want there to be problems with our family. But honestly, after getting this feedback, I feel like it will get way better after we get home and she realizes that I will be the best person to care for him and he will be safe. And she'll get back to her life just as we will get back to ours.

[cate]

Hi Jesse/ Make the most of things do not feel bad, ,or allow anyone to make you feel bad. Now I am a mother, so can put myself in her place a bit. but you need to talk to her, and tell her you wish to work together, but she must not take charge, and you would appreciate inyour home that she does not try to take over. tell her it will not work be firm but kind. also explain with the age difference you will be around a lot longer. (she will not like that), but be firm Also take advantage when she is with you to give you a break, and allow them so,metime together, talk to you partner about this, and how best to tackle it. good luck
Cate

[megatrig]

turbotet, on Jan 29 2009, 10:15 PM, said:

Hello, as a tetra but also as a parent i can tell you that it is awful for his parents especially his mum, its alright you saying that you love him (i dont doubt you) but you could well walk away and leave him, a lot do!, his mum however cannot leave him ever...... he is hers for good. I would suggest when mum visits him and you are there let her be herself and do what mums do... look after her child, he will always be hers, you have to work around that, when she has gone however, then he is yours. There is enough on his plate without his mum and girlfriend at each others throats. Show her you are strong enough to be there, share the burden with her, That is the best help for him.

I hope that makes sense/helps.

I looked at thos and thought Yes well true in her (the mothers) eyes!

Reading the other threads after my view wavers to saying hey tell her straight as it were!!

This is and will be for a while a hellish time!!

Its awful what you having to put up with as well as deal with the one you love having this happen to him!!

If you can take a huge deep breath and sit back!!

Everyone reacts v differently to these situations!!!

I may rethink my thoughts and add more!

I was in a similar situation 21 years ago!! So please ask any questions at all!!!

[megatrig]

The hospital SHOULD have train Physcologists or advisors too.

They are used to seeing this and will be able to advise you.

Also chat to the nursing staff as they see it lots and lots too and can give you coping mechanisms ... oh the joy if buzz words!! lol

Seriously though .. this happens oh so much it is sad!!

Fear, worry, stress ... all make people behave in very different ways!

I'm not making excuses .. but this may be her only way of coping??!!/??!!

It is necessary to find ways for ALL OF YOU to go on and come out the other end!

Good luck mate xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx