[RFM0823]

I've recently started a relationship with a T12 complete - I've known him for 10+ years but we've just started dating.

Because I know him so well, I know his tendencies - he pushes people away when they get too close. He'll say things like - "I want what's best for you, and I'm not it. No one should be with a cripple." I hate it when he refers to himself like this. I don't see him as any different, never have. That's probably one of the reasons we've been friends so long. Anyway, I'm a little stressed because I don't want him to do this to me. How in the world can I get it through his thick skull that just because he can't walk doesn't mean he's not good enough?

He's been in his chair for 15 years now - motorcycle accident. He was so active before and he's still mourning this. Will he ever get over it? I care for him deeply and want him to be happy. He deserves to be loved like anyone else.

Thanks for letting me get this out...

Rain

[qtdavis]

im not really sure ill have the best advice. ive only been married less than two years and my husband was in a motorcycle accident not even a year ago that left him paralyzed T10 complete.

i would say to tell him its not legs that make a man perfect. its the person he is inside, its how he makes you feel. those sort of things. and if you really care about him and want him to be sure that you do....dont just let him push you away.

Good luck!

{{hugs}}

[Travelling Blackbird]

Has he ever said it to you? That he's said it to other people doesn't mean he'll say it to you.

Will he ever get over it? I don't think anyone here will be able to answer that question. We are all very different. Some people take years to find their peace with the situation of needing to use a wheelchair, others find themselves sooner. There's no one-size-fits-all it-takes-two-years answer.

Does he do any sports now, by the way?

Feeling like he doesn't deserve to be loved... that's familiar to me. Two years into using a wheelchair, I broke up with my partner because I decided that he deserved better, and that I was making his life too difficult. It took a while before I was able to see myself as someone who deserved love.

It's a tricky issue, and a hard one to advise you on without knowing his side of the story. Be prepared to talk to him if something comes up, be ready to show him you love him; that's all you can do. I would say don't try too hard to show how great he is, or how involved you want to be... you'll need to judge what he needs and wants.

And finally: make sure you don't get lost in all of this. You deserve to be loved and cared for as much as he does.

[qbounce]

I don't mean to be a downer, but if his outlook on life is this bleak 15 years post injury, I'm pretty sure you won't be able to change his feelings. That's something he'll eventually have to come to terms with on his own.

What I do recommend however, is letting him know how you feel. Really spill it on the table, including everything you've posted here. I believe in taking chances in life, especially when its a matter of the heart. Good luck to you both.

[catmint]

Hi

Welcome to the site, I hope you will find answers to the many questions you may have..

I hope you don't mind me adding my thoughts .

The fact that he has been in a chair for 15 years doesn't have to mean that he doesn't mourn his life before..if you equate it with the death of a loved one. It just means that some cope with that loss "better" than others. You ask if he will ever "get over it"..I don't know..does any one.. I certainly couldn't but I hope I would learn that life goes on and you can either get on with it wearing a smile or make everyone close to you miserable .


As for him pushing you away. I think he could be a very sensitive person and he's telling you that he doesn't want to get hurt. He is giving you a chance to walk away from having a relationship and just be friends. Actions speak louder than words..when he says something negative try replying that you are not listening and change the subject to something positive.

Anyway I hope things turn out well for both of you.

L

[Spinner]

If you care about him and believe this relationship has a chance, try to be patient. I heard a lot of the same things when I started dating my man a little over a year ago. He kept telling me how high maintenance he is, how much work he is, how hard it would be for me to be with him. I just listened and kept on loving him. As we are planning the rest of our lives together he is letting me in and sharing what it is like to be with him day to day. It took him awhile, but I know he trusts me and knows that none of these things are going to make me run screaming.

Please just be patient with him, love him, listen to him. Take it slow and when he is comfortable, confident, and ready he will let you in. Honestly? That will probably be one of the most joyous moments of your life.

Good luck and hang in there!

This post has been edited by Spinner: 18 February 2009 - 04:29 PM