16 replies to this topic

[Emily74]

I have been googling, and I am having a hard time on finding good articles on brain trauma, and for the potential to have false memories planted in ther mind by other people. Can anyone help me out?

My sister fractured her skull from ear to ear when she was 21. She had to have part of her skull removed temporarily to allow for swelling. Our father died when she was 11. My parents were already divorced, My father loved us very, very much and was a very devoted father. My mother is an alcoholic who has been unfaithful with many men, and her boyfriend was very violent with me. My mother, in attempt to make herself look like a wonderful person, has told many lies about my father, making him sound like the most horrible monster ever. (scapegoat concept) My sister is under the impression that my father hated us. I honestly do not know what breaks my heart more, that my father is no longer here, or that my sister thinks our Dad hated us.

My mother is who my sister went to live with after her brain trauma. My sister came to stay with me for a few weeks after her brain trauma, and she said she hated to look at pictures of herself from the past, because she felt like she did not know who that was in the picture. Fast forward to today, 15 years later after her brain trauma, and she seems to get more and more *horrible* memories of our Dad. She says she is so angry at our Dad, that if he were alive today, she would murder him. My mother continues to plant more and more bad and false memories of my Dad, and my sister becomes even more and more of an emotional wreck. I have come to realize there is nothing I can do but sit back, and someday when our mother dies, I can start a new relationship with my sister, (it's just not possible with my mother still alive and would only make things worse) and I hope someday to gradually be able to gently introduce in some GOOD and TRUE memories of our father.

[greybeard]

I don't understand. Why can't you tackle your mother now? Why wait until she dies before you try to correct the falsehoods?

[Emily74]

greybeard, on Feb 26 2009, 05:40 PM, said:

I don't understand. Why can't you tackle your mother now? Why wait until she dies before you try to correct the falsehoods?

My sister is the one who sustained the brain trauma. My mother is the one planting false memories. If I tried to tackle my mother now, it would only make things worse. It's like a house of cards, and when that house of cards blows down, everybody will go insane, and I would have to battle my mother to be the one to straighten things out, and my mother is very good at what she does, and has my sister totally brainwashed, and it just is not possible. Chances are, they would immediately set to buidling that house of cards back up, all the while being very angry that I exposed the lies. All the anger would not be on the lies of my mother, but on me exposing them. My mother has everybody manipulated to fit her needs. Of course, this means when our mother dies, my sister will be lost.

For now I send my sister an occasional card, letting her know I am thinking of her and I love her. I actually have proof my mother has been lying. My sister is under the impression our Dad was a deadbeat. I have all the contents of my Dad's glove compartment from when he died, including his check stubs. He not only paid child support regularly and consistently, but he also paid for my hearing aids, violin lessons for Julie, clothes, etc., etc. I tried to tell my sister that, but her whole life is built up around mother's lies and I think she may actually in a bit of denial.

[nomis]

The head injury might have left your sister more susceptible to suggestion and that may be hurtful to you. But, without my knowing the situation with the head injury and the extent of her ongoing memory dedicits, it might be too much for her to make sense of conflicting family views.

So, it might be a more peaceful path not to get into conflict, to accept that and be more at peace in yourself but quietly and firmly remaining loyal to your own memories and feeling free to express that to her on occasion. Maybe it'll change one day...but you shouldn't expect that if in your sister's case it's a disturbance caused by the brain injury and not any real slight on the memory of your father.

I realise that's a hurtful burden for you to carry but I think a caring and compassionate one towards your sister.

Now, dealing with your mother....that's a whole different thing.

Edited by nomis, 28 February 2009 - 07:26 AM.

[Travelling Blackbird]

I agree with Nomis. You're not in a position to really work with your sister if your mother and you are at odds, and the result of trying might turn your sister's mind into a battleground. You might do more harm than good.

It's a hurtful burden, as Nomis said, but in the long run, your true and loyal memories of your father are there, and someday, perhaps you'll get a chance to help your sister remember the good man your father was. As you said, gently and slowly.

Have you confronted your mother about this? From your post, it seems not, and that's for the best. If you did, your mother might start to do the same thing with regard to you. It is more important that you and your sister still have a relationship when your mother is gone than for you to fight this battle now.

Regarding head injuries and memory: Yes, the memory can become more sensitive to change after a head injury, and it is not necessarily just because of outside influence. It's hard to find good articles on the subject for a couple of reasons. Memory is a difficult issue to study, and the influence of brain trauma on long-term memory is even harder to study. Research on brain trauma and memory generally focuses on the effects on retention and loss, short-term memory and so on. The articles that are available are often only available to paying subscribers of the few journals that carry such reports. Repressed memories seem to be more interesting to researchers than added ones.

I have some personal experience with the issue of false memories and brain trauma. Now, no-one contributed to these memories developing: they were the effect of my own damaged brain trying to correct itself. I don't want to hijack your thread by talking about the specifics, but if you think it would help, I'm prepared to share. What I'll say for now is that it is possible to a certain extent to deal with such issues, with patience and love and help.

[Emily74]

Traveling Blackbird, I do want to hear about how your memories were altered as your brain tried to correct itself. Anything to help me better understand what my sister is struggling with.

~*~*~
I've no intention of trying to correct my sister's memory of our father while my mother is alive or confronting my mother. I believe that would do alot more harm than good to my sister, and I believe my Dad would agree with me on that.

While it is harming her that she is filled with more and more anger towards our Dad all the time thanks to our mother, I actually think it would harm her even more to try to straighten it all out, because it would conflict with what my mother has been telling her, and then my sister wold have to acknowledge our mother is a chronic pathological liar, and then how would she go about this very tangled relationship with our mother? Her world would fall apart. Yes it's sick and twisted, but it needs to be left alone for now.

But, with my mother's chronic morning to night drinking, and her aleady being in her 60's (sorry to sound so morbid) likely she wont be around all that long. And AFTER my mother passes on, provided I am still alive, then I do intend to very gently help my sister remember GOOD things about our father.

When my mother's lies really start to get me upset, I remind myself that nothing changes the truth. My father loved us, and that is the truth. My mother can't change that.

ETA: I did several years ago try to confront my mother's lies. It did not go well. Not gonna do that again. Pointless and harmful, except that I was disowned by our mother, which was actually very freeing and helped me in my recovery.

Edited by Tonyswife, 28 February 2009 - 03:41 PM.

[edlee]

As a way of better understanding,,,, a few questions,,,, How old are you and your sister,, and how long ago did your father die.

It strikes me that you were closer to your father than your sister,,,, perhaps old enough to have had more memory of him when the family was a "unit".

Is your sister's mental capacity much diminished from the trauma,, or has she been lucky enough to have most of it return? Does she work,, go to school/university.

It is so hard to make any reasonable suggestions without enough information.... I hope I am not offending you in any way, and if you choose to not answer any or all of the above,, I will certainly understand.
ed

[Emily74]

edlee, on Feb 28 2009, 02:24 PM, said:

As a way of better understanding,,,, a few questions,,,, How old are you and your sister,, and how long ago did your father die.

It strikes me that you were closer to your father than your sister,,,, perhaps old enough to have had more memory of him when the family was a "unit".

Is your sister's mental capacity much diminished from the trauma,, or has she been lucky enough to have most of it return? Does she work,, go to school/university.

It is so hard to make any reasonable suggestions without enough information.... I hope I am not offending you in any way, and if you choose to not answer any or all of the above,, I will certainly understand.
ed

Me and my sister are a year and a half apart, our father died when I was 9 and my sister was 11. Feb 22nd was 25 years since my father died. My sister was not always this angry towards Dad. It seems in the last several years is when it became dramatically worse. My father tried very hard to keep things equal between me and my sister, but yes my sister was always closer to Mom in a codependant way, and I was closer to Dad. My mother was the alcoholic, I was the 'scapegoat' after my Dad died, and my sister was the 'Hero' and codependant.

My mother isolates my sister. An alcoholic is very good at convincing someone up is down, black is white, and etc. My sister having the brain injury, has played especially to my mother's advantage. My sister says things that are just plain dumbfounding, that my mother obviously taught her, For example, in defense of her mother having an affair on her second husband, she says our step father was having a passionate love affair with golf. My sister also says we should have been more than glad to be alibis and lie for our mother because mother had to marry our step dad in order to protect us from our supposedly 'psycho' Dad. Yet, the man she was having an affair with, used to beat the living snot out of me. Things were always ever so messed up, even before her brain injury, but I believe her brain injury has messed her up even worse. I left home when I was 13 by the way.

A few things about my sister after her injury is she became extremely emotionally volatile. You had to be very careful not to try not to get her upset. She still does this to this day. After her accident, she said she could remember things from waaaaaay back when she was like 3, 4 or 5. But after that, not as good. When she saw pictures of herself at later ages, she said she felt like she did not know who that was. The part of her brain that was damaged was on one side. She did have temporary paralysis, and the bone in that ear crushed to powder leaving her deaf in that ear, and she is blind in one eye from the blow. A huge tree fell on her head.

My sister always got staright A's with ease before her accident. She went to college after, and really, really struggled, but made it. She now works as an accountant. her brain injury to me is very obvious. She is extremely volatile. She stomps, yells, slams doors, has punched a hole in the wall, yells at everyone at the slightest thing and is just very volatile and hard to keep calm. I'm not sure how that works out with her job. I think people have just done their best to accomodate her. My mother insists my sister is 100% recovered from her brain injury. There's just no way. My mother is master manipulater, and doesnt want anyone to see what she is doing to Julie. Anyways, due to my sister's high volatileness, that is much of the reason I cant just go correct everything. That combined with her codependance towards our mother and their very twisted weird relationship.

I believe my sister's negative feelings towards our father is a mix of false exzagerated memories, and a mix of codependancy towards Mom. My mother has a very low self esteem, and she has toxic ways of trying to make sure others will love her no matter what.

My Dad, he did have a bad temper. I remember he threw a lamp across the room once. But he threw it in the opposite direction of me, and he then removed himself away from me, calmed down then came back and apologized and wiped my tears from my cheeks and gave me a hug. This was shortly after my mother left him for another man. It was a hard time in his life. I can remember my Dad losing his temper a few times, but he NEVER laid a hand on me or my sister, except to give spanking, and spankings were very rare and only if we did something that endangered ourselves, such as walk into the street without looking both ways. My father never lied when he did something wrong, and he always apologized. He did not attempt to revert blame or play games screwing with people's heads and etc. I believe my sister has exzagerated bad memories of Dad. There are ALOT of good memories of Dad, but Julie seems to have no recollection of those at all. She seems to think Dad hated us. My father spent alot of good quality time with us, and if there was anything he did, it was make sure that we knew he loved us very much. I think very few parents are as devoted as my Dad was. Sometimes I wonder if he was trying to compensate for our mother.

[Travelling Blackbird]

Tonyswife, on Feb 28 2009, 04:38 PM, said:

Traveling Blackbird, I do want to hear about how your memories were altered as your brain tried to correct itself. Anything to help me better understand what my sister is struggling with.

When I was attacked the first time, in 1998, the left side of my skull was caved in, just over my ear, and the back was fractured, about an inch above that knobbly bit where the spine meets the head. The damage to the brain was aggravated because I wasn't immediately brought to a hospital. Also, a few years later, I had to go back in and have surgery on the temporal and occipital lobes on the left side due to complications related to the injury.

I don't remember any of the initial time in the hospital, nor the attack itself... there's probably about a 5- or 6-day gap around there, and that kind of memory loss seems to happen in head injury cases, so it was considered normal. At the time, no-one particularly noticed any other memory issues. They only came out later, and are still coming out now, almost 11 years on. Every so often, someone will notice something off about my memory.

The major alteration was that I came out of hospital asking for my younger brother. I don't have a younger brother, nor did I ever have one. My mother never got pregnant again after having me. I know that on a conscious level, because I've been told it enough times and because I have seen the physical evidence: there are no photos of a younger brother, there are no traces of him. I understand that I don't have a younger brother. However, when I came out of hospital in 1998, I had an absolutely perfect memory of a younger brother. I could've told you his life story, and about all the things he liked and disliked, and drawn you a picture of him. I still remember him in a way, but it's very hazy now. If you catch me off my guard, and ask me something about him, there's a moment or two when I remember remembering, and then it gets hazy again.

A lot of the facts that I associate with this younger brother fit to one of my childhood friends, who was actually older than me, but smaller, and some more fit to one of my cousins, and some don't fit to anyone. Writing about this now, I feel really strongly that I remember him, but I know that is false. It can be upsetting, because I both know he never existed and feel that he might have.

I guess that's one of the most important things I can share. If you manage to talk to your sister and show her some of the physical evidence of your father having been a real and loving part of your lives, and remind her of things, she may come to believe it, know it and understand it. She may even come to remember it. But on some level, she may also remember the things your mother has said, and even knowing they are false, have some emotional resonance in them, or remember remembering them. It won't be easy, and there will probably be a need for a professional therapist to be involved.

After the surgery, the feeling of having had a younger brother came back again, strongly, but the facts were different.

Another big memory issue I had to deal with was thinking I remembered who injured me. I know who did it now, but I went through a period of thinking I remembered the attack, and being able to remember seeing the attacker's face. This was partly (according to a psychiatrist I ended up seeing much later) brought on by the psychiatrist I saw at the hospital trying to help me remember the attack and leading me on with questions. Initially, I had clear memories of having been attacked by one of my cousins. I could see him coming at me, hear him shouting at me. I had nightmares about it. I could describe the whole thing. He wasn't even in the country at the time, and when this was pointed out to me, I became absolutely hysterical and paranoid, and accused the doctors and my family of lying. I then went through a period of having nightmares about different people having attacked me, and each time feeling like I was sure, and that these were real memories.

Now I know that I don't remember any of the attack. I know who did it, and I have no recollection of seeing him do it. I don't have clear memories of this period and these issues, but I have been told about my behavior and descriptions.

[Travelling Blackbird]

Most of the other issues are with memory loss. I don't remember some people from my teenage years and college years at all. When someone shows me a photo of them, I have no recollection of the person - there's either no emotional reaction, no association at all; or there's an irritation because I know that I should recall the person, but can't; or there's a memory of being told about the person, but just that. I also don't remember a few things properly or at all. Apparently I went on holiday with some people from college during our third year: nothing.

From this, the most important thing for you is that while you can tell your sister things and restore her memory of things, you can't guarantee that she will really remember them, or have an emotional connection to them. She might, but there's no certainty. She might only build a memory of having been told.

There are things that people have managed to restore my memories of though, so it is possible. There are some things my ex and I talked about that really did come back to me - hazily or incompletely, but strongly enough that I can feel them. The school we both worked at during my second year in Poland, some of the students we taught together... I can feel some of the happiness again, and see some of the pictures in my head.

I could go on, but I thought it'd be best to just pick a couple of things. Memory is tricky, because there's the emotional aspects - the feelings triggered by memories - and the factual aspects - details and recall. With some things, I regained the emotions and some vague facts. With others, I have the knowledge, but no connection to it. With others, I know that my memory is wrong, but there's still this memory of remembering.

If and when you do come to deal with your sister, I'd advise you to seek a professional's advice so you don't rush things or push things. It's extremely frustrating and upsetting to discover things you remember are wrong, and there's no certainty that the new version of reality will fit better than the old one. It's also difficult to reconcile conflicting information: the brain doesn't automatically reject A to accept B, it first may go through a process of trying to accept both.

A final word: I was never really in the situation where someone was really telling me to remember something false. This was mostly my own head working through the damage, and trying to put things together. There were times when people kept asking me questions, and I just wanted to answer them, so I'd come up with something... other people can really influence our memories, even when they don't want to.

[Emily74]

Traveling Blackbird, wow, that helps tremendously. Helps me to understand what this must be like for my sister. And I can totally see how it would really su*k to think you remember something, only to find out the memory was wrong. And with my sister being very emotionally volatile due to brain trauma, it would be especially hard on her.

I am probably never ever going to be able to correct all the damage my mother has done. But if I could help her have just ONE good and true memory of Dad, for her to have in her heart, I would be just so thrilled. I have sent her cards, and she knows I am here for her. I know I'm just gonna have to wait till my mother passes on, that is if she passes on before me. It's gonna feel really weird when my mother passes on.

[edlee]

I guess I have to ask,,,, being who I am,,,, Is your desire to correct your sister's memory ,,,, for her,, or for you?

She is 36 years old, with an accounting degree and a job,,, she is happy with living with your mother and with the memories she accepts as her own. I would guess that she would be happy to have you in her life,,,,IF,,, you would refrain from trying to make her believe her mother is a bad person,,,evil,,,.. If you could get past your own feelings.

It appears that you aren't willing to do so,,,,, and if you can't get past your animosity towards your mother,,, how do you expect her to get past her's toward her father,,, deserved or not.

That you were only 9 when your dad died,, and didn't live with him much after the divorce,, which was at least a few years before that,,, It strikes me that you may be placing him on a pedestal and blaming your mother for both the split and his death.

I'm making a lot of assumptions here,, and don't like doing that,,, but,,,,,it isn't unusual,,, particularly in a person that felt alienated enough to leave home at 13.

It is my hope that YOU will seek counselling,,, so that you can come to accept,, both your sister,, and your mother,,,,as they are,, not as you want them to be.




Will getting them to accept your truth, make anyone happy,,, other than you???


ed

[Emily74]

Actually, seeing as to how she gets angrier and angrier all the time about Dad, I don't see her as being very happy. One can be financially succesful and be very unhappy. Her greatest stress right now is anger towards our Dad. I think it would be helpful if she had some good memories ad realized he was not as bad as she thought. Our father has been dead 25 years. It makes no sense that she is getting angrier and angrier all the time and is filled with such seething rage towards him. She has expressed how this has impacted her life greatly and how he cant sleep and has to take anti-depressants. However, due to the tangled toxic relationship she has with our mother, it is actually best to leave it alone for now.

Oh, and we did actually live with my quite a bit after the divorce, and he really spent a ton of quality time with us. Taking us to the circus, the library, the amusement park, swimming, karate lessons, (he was one of the instructors), movies, etc., etc.. My father by the way, was hit by a car. How do you figure I blame my mother for that? Believe it or not, I wasn't too upset that my parents split. My intention was to go live with my father. You are correct that you did make alot of assumptions.

I believe it has very therapuetic for me to gain clarity on what was wrong and why it was wrong. That right there is my therapy, and it is why I was able to break the cycle and the reason I am today happily married with two children. My oldest son, his biological Dad is an alcoholic. The reason I got in a relationship with an alcoholic is because it was familiar to me from my own mother being an alcoholic. I naturally fell back in old patterns. Recognizing that pattern and breaking it was the best thing I ever did for me and my family. My oldest son's biological father's rights were terminated by the way. My husband adopted him.

I accept the way my mother is, but if there is anything I can do to at least aleviate some of my sister's constant seething in anger towards our Dad, I would love to be able to do that for her. And that is something I would like to be able to do for *her*, provided that it is done mega slow and gentle and I know not to expect much. I'm not the least bit angry towards my sister. I dont believe any of this is her fault at all.

Edited by Tonyswife, 01 March 2009 - 11:42 PM.

[Emily74]

At the funeral, my sister put blue silk morning glory flowers in my father's hands, which were across his chest. A very loving gesture. I think if she could remember even just a tiny bit, it would melt her anger, and she would finally feel better. I guess I just feel like, if Dad was alive, it would break his heart to see how angry and upset Julie is, and here I am, I'm alive, and I know I have a very small chance of being able to help my sister with this.

[nomis]

A small point you might keep at the back of your mind -- head injuries often cause damage to short-term memory and it is common for the longer-term memory to stay better intact. In time, without the influence of your mother, she may resort to those long-term memories.

[Emily74]

nomis, on Mar 2 2009, 04:21 AM, said:

A small point you might keep at the back of your mind -- head injuries often cause damage to short-term memory and it is common for the longer-term memory to stay better intact. In time, without the influence of your mother, she may resort to those long-term memories.

You bring a thought to my mind, since previous memories were so influenced by my mother, it may be better that if some more accurate memories come back, that she be left alone with that at first.

It's weird, but though we don't speak much, we are in fact on good terms. She doesn't speak to me cause Mom doesn't want her to, and I think she just doesnt want to hurt Mom.

For 2 weeks, I stayed with her at the hospital after her brain injury, and even slept there. I left only once to go to a restaurant in walking distance. I sponge bathed in the sink. I never wanted her to wake up alone. For a while she was in a partial coma state. And when she would wake, she would cry. One day, she was crying, and I was having a hard time comforting her. She had always hated my singing voice (I'm deaf) but I was desperate, so I said, "Julie, I know you really hate my voice, but I'm going to try singing to see if it helps." I sang 'You are my sunshine", and she smiled. Wether or not she smiled because I have a lousy voice or just cause she was comforted by my singing, I dont know. But that was her very first smile after her injury. And I sat there and cont'd to sing, wiping tears from my eyes.

[Travelling Blackbird]

Tonyswife, on Mar 1 2009, 05:32 AM, said:

Traveling Blackbird, wow, that helps tremendously. Helps me to understand what this must be like for my sister. And I can totally see how it would really su*k to think you remember something, only to find out the memory was wrong. And with my sister being very emotionally volatile due to brain trauma, it would be especially hard on her.

I am probably never ever going to be able to correct all the damage my mother has done. But if I could help her have just ONE good and true memory of Dad, for her to have in her heart, I would be just so thrilled. I have sent her cards, and she knows I am here for her. I know I'm just gonna have to wait till my mother passes on, that is if she passes on before me. It's gonna feel really weird when my mother passes on.

You're welcome. I'm glad it helped.

With the volatile nature of your sister's emotions, it'll be best to have a professional involved if and when you do confront these issues.