Help
Hi
I am trying to help my SCI friend to get back to life....He spends majority of his days watching TV or playing computer games.
I feel bad -I am not in his shoes and can't feel the way he feels...but he is not even trying to look for a job even an on-line work
from home ,etc.
I do not know how to approach him with this sensitive matter...He gets disability reimbursement...
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Sensitive Matter
hOWE TO OFFER HIM TO START SEARCHING FOR WORK WITHOUT HURTING HIS FEEL
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#1
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- Spinal Injury Level / Relationship:GF of man T4 &T6 SCI
Posted 07 March 2009 - 04:36 PM
#2
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Posted 07 March 2009 - 05:08 PM
Naturally we all remember you, DrLove, and the advice we gave before. So go and talk to him but this time LISTEN to his answers and abide by them.
Perhaps now would be a good time to stop trying to change this guy and leave his rehabilitation to the professionals.
Perhaps now would be a good time to stop trying to change this guy and leave his rehabilitation to the professionals.
I am not young enough to know everything. - Oscar Wilde
#3
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Posted 07 March 2009 - 05:38 PM
It's great that you want to help and encourage, but remember that this should be about communicating, not convincing. This should be an open discussion, with you voicing your concern, and him voicing his feelings, and that's it. Don't push.
We sometimes forget that interventions and tough love are not always the way to go: just because they make great drama on TV and in the movies doesn't mean that they're the right methods to deal with someone. I didn't need or want tough love or an intervention: I needed the time that I spent withdrawn from the world, and I am glad I took it, because I came back stronger.
It can take a very long time for people to adjust to a new reality. Whether they've had a traumatic experience or long-term illness or major injury, every aspect of their life has been affected. It's not a simple thing to "get back in the saddle", and pressure from those nearest and dearest can have the negative effect of making them feel even more isolated and misunderstood.
How far into the process of adjusting to his new reality is he? What's been going on in the process?
Another thing to remember is that some people won't want to return to work. Playing the devil's advocate, I have to ask: if he's on disability benefits, and thus has money coming in, does he need to go back to work? Is there a financial problem that him working would solve? Searching for a job, especially in today's economy and job market, is a stressful and depressing process, and I wonder if he really needs it right now.
So, does he need the job, or do you think he needs the job?
If you're determined to approach him, then just come out with it: "Listen, I'm worried that you're not doing anything to get yourself back out in the world, working and so on, and I'd like to hear what you feel about it. If you'd like to hunt for a job, I'd love to help, and if not, then I'd like to understand why. But I understand if you don't want to talk about it." Then listen to what he says, and if he asks for help, offer it. If not, then leave it. Don't keep on at him, don't try different methods.
It's his life. If you don't like the decisions he's making, harsh as this might seem, you can always leave.
We sometimes forget that interventions and tough love are not always the way to go: just because they make great drama on TV and in the movies doesn't mean that they're the right methods to deal with someone. I didn't need or want tough love or an intervention: I needed the time that I spent withdrawn from the world, and I am glad I took it, because I came back stronger.
It can take a very long time for people to adjust to a new reality. Whether they've had a traumatic experience or long-term illness or major injury, every aspect of their life has been affected. It's not a simple thing to "get back in the saddle", and pressure from those nearest and dearest can have the negative effect of making them feel even more isolated and misunderstood.
How far into the process of adjusting to his new reality is he? What's been going on in the process?
Another thing to remember is that some people won't want to return to work. Playing the devil's advocate, I have to ask: if he's on disability benefits, and thus has money coming in, does he need to go back to work? Is there a financial problem that him working would solve? Searching for a job, especially in today's economy and job market, is a stressful and depressing process, and I wonder if he really needs it right now.
So, does he need the job, or do you think he needs the job?
If you're determined to approach him, then just come out with it: "Listen, I'm worried that you're not doing anything to get yourself back out in the world, working and so on, and I'd like to hear what you feel about it. If you'd like to hunt for a job, I'd love to help, and if not, then I'd like to understand why. But I understand if you don't want to talk about it." Then listen to what he says, and if he asks for help, offer it. If not, then leave it. Don't keep on at him, don't try different methods.
It's his life. If you don't like the decisions he's making, harsh as this might seem, you can always leave.
#4
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Posted 07 March 2009 - 05:47 PM
Just wanted to add: I looked around for other threads and saw that he's 2 years post-injury, and that can still be part of the adjustment period. Some adjust faster, others take longer. It's not a set thing.
Remember: his feelings are the important issue, and not whether he's working or not. If he's depressed and having trouble adjusting, then there's something to deal with before he goes headlong into looking for a job. And again: you can offer to help and offer to talk about dealing with things, but you have to respect his wishes. People can't be fixed: they need to want to be helped. By a professional.
Remember: his feelings are the important issue, and not whether he's working or not. If he's depressed and having trouble adjusting, then there's something to deal with before he goes headlong into looking for a job. And again: you can offer to help and offer to talk about dealing with things, but you have to respect his wishes. People can't be fixed: they need to want to be helped. By a professional.
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