20 replies to this topic

[CollegeGirl]

Hello. I'm not really sure where to start with all this. I met an absolutely amazing guy a few months back (4 to be specific). We're dating now. Yes, he's in a wheelchair. I don't know exactly how to word his exact condition. He's paralyzed from the chest down. He can move his arms almost parallel to the ground but has no funtioning of his fingers. That's about the best I can do as far as his condition of the top of my head.

He's amazing. I've never really viewed him as a guy in a wheelchair. He's just a handsome, caring, intelligent guy that I instantly fell head-over-heels for. But now I'm wanting some information.

What was in like for you when you started dating your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend?

He has a group of friends that he is extremely close to. They are all girls and extremely protective of him. They don't approve of us dating because they are afraid of him getting hurt. I appriciate them caring for him so much, but how do I get around it without seeming inconsiderate to his friends? Has anyone else had this issue? They really are amazing girls and have the best interest at heart, but it's really difficult having a relationship with someone who always has others telling me to back off or questioning my motives for wanting to be with him. Any suggestions on what to do?

Are there any good sites that I could look at to learn more about this type of injury, how to take care of him, and just general knowledge of everything? I'd like more of a personal view than a site written by a doctor.

Thanks for your help!

[greybeard]

Well, you already found the site!!!! You won't do better than here. Read some of the posts. There are 98660 of them, so you are bound to find something to help. The "search" button may help.

PS - Welcome.

[fatdave]

Welcome to the board, you will find a lot of info here.

If you want to know more about his injury, ask him what level he is.

[kdenon01]

Welcome!!!! I was with my hubby pre-SCI so I don't have too much advice to give. But feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

[qbounce]

I'm sure if you let his lady friends know you only have the best of intentions for your new guy, they'll see how genuine you are.

He sounds, by your description, like a lower level quadriplegic (also known as tetraplegic). But the truth is, we can only speculate this without knoing for certain. As already suggested, the only true way of knowing your guys injury level you'll have to ask him.

The same thing goes with his daily living needs. Everyone is different. Maybe he's totally independant, or maybe he can do most things on his own but still requires minimal assistance. Just ask him. . . . . and welcome.

[CollegeGirl]

Well, I know he can't do "most things" on his own. I (and others) help him eat/drink and things like that. To type he has "sticks" which velcro to his wrists. He can't put himself to bed, bathe himself, or brush his own teeth.

I asked him what level he was and he said C-5 complete -- ASIA A (not sure what all of it means, but I'll just have to research that I guess)

Did any of you start dating your man/woman AFTER their accident? It seems like a lot of people were with them before, so their perspective is a bit different - although still appreciated and useful.

[Spinner]

Hi College Girl. My man is C5/C6 complete quadriplegic. He has use of his arms but cannot use his fingers. He pushes, he feeds himself, types and writes and drives, but he needs help with transfers, bathing, dressing, and hygiene (bowel program and cath). We have known each other a little over a year and he is nearly 19 years post injury.

It was a challenge when we first started dating because he wasn't sure anyone could love him exactly as he was. He was reluctant to let me in on some of the less pleasant aspects of his condition. I love him, I love him like I didn't know I was capable of loving anyone so I stuck around and listened when he talked, never got grossed out, and never ran away. Slowly but surely he began to realize that I am in this for the long haul and he let me in. Now we are engaged and preparing to marry, move out of the state and for me to be his primary caretaker. I wouldn't want it any other way.

As for his friends, if you decide this relationship is a keeper, they will begin to see and appreciate the way you love him and slowly but surely come to accept you. In my case it was my man's grown kids who were protective of their father.

The best advice I can give is that if you think you have a future with this guy, be patient. Listen. Just keep loving him. You are facing some issues that most don't face in a new relationship, but if you love each other, stick together, and just keep communicating, you'll work it out.

One more thing, I wouldn't trade my man for anything in the entire world and I wouldn't want him any other way. He is the sum of his experiences and what he is is the most incredible man on the planet. He loves me in a way no other man ever has and I didn't know was even possible. Good luck to you and check in if you have questions or just need moral support.

[Jax]

Collegegirl,

I'm the cold one here, so if you're looking for warm fuzzy answers, I'm sorry I don't have those. What I do have is a good bit of experience with this sort of thing. Unfortunately, it's all harsh. Every situation is different, so what's happened to me and my friends is probably different from your situation. So please understand that these are just what I have been in and seen. I hope for much better for you and everyone else.

Most everyone I hung out with in college was female, so I have seen a bit of this from the inside of the situation, and the outside looking in.

From the inside view- I dated a girl after my accident, and one of my buddies and 2 of my female friends were all suspicious of her all the time. Always questioning her, and telling her she better treat me right, and all kinds of stuff. I didn't realize this was going on. By the time I figured it out, she was long gone. Somebody else had overheard some of the things that were said to her, and brought them to my attention. Otherwise, I'd probably never have known why she left. When I started dating my now wife, I made sure that my friends knew none of that crap was acceptable. If they couldn't respect her, then they didn't respect me. Looking out for me or not, it's MY choice who to date. Trying to keep somebody from getting hurt is sweet and all, but at the same time, pain is a great teacher.

From the outside view-I started noticing this happening to one of my friends over the last couple years. Seems like every guy she even halfway starts to like has some female friend(s) always telling her how she "better treat him right," or that she needs to "back off," or that they think she's "not good for him," or "not good enough for him." It's retarded and childish, and it can cause major problems. For her, the problems only started at not getting the guy. The problems came to a nasty climax when she confronted two of the girls in front of the guy, and she had a digital recorder full of the crap they had been spewing at her. That made the girls AND the guy mad at her. As if she was the one who had done all the wrong, and what the girls did to her was ok. She has learned to ask a guy how many female friends he has now before she agrees to go out with him.

I have to tell you straight out. If those girls are still telling you to "back off," then they are either- 1:nothing but trouble, or 2:way overprotective (for whatever reason). Either way, if they are still questioning your motives after four months, they probably aren't going to stop on their own. Most likely, he will have to talk to them before it will stop. If he won't, then he's not that serious, and he's just not worth your time.

The nest issue is that he is not likely to believe you if you tell him about it, because those girls are his "friends," and "they would never do that." I've heard those two things before, more than once. I've said those things before. He will probably have to see it for himself. I hope I'm wrong, and I hope that they are just good friends looking out for him.

There is something you can try though. It's worth a shot. You can try sitting down with each of them (one at a time, face-to-face), and tell them how you feel about him, and that you aren't going anywhere because you care about him. (If you don't talk to them, then they will likely assume their suspicions are valid.) If they still give you problems after talking to them, then you have to make a choice. If they quit the childish "back off" crap, then maybe it worked.

Wish you the best,
JAX

[CollegeGirl]

Well, I'm not all that sure why you introduced yourself as the mean one. If I would have read your reply without seeing that then I would have guessed you to be my new best friend!

I have been looking for someone who understands what I'm going through this WHOLE time. It's hard to really talk to anyone about because my friends don't really know him and don't see me around the girls and complaining about the friends of a guy in a wheelchair just seems wrong. It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one in the world this is happening to!

He DOES know that they aren't being all-so-friendly around me. I've told him that people are saying things to me, but I haven't told him specifically which friends are saying what exactly. I also haven't told him that I get harrassed everytime I need to go to the bathroom at our local hangouts. Him and I have talked about the situation in general a couple of times, but I don't want him to lose any of his friends because of me, just as I don't want to lose any of my friends (although mine have no problem with us dating). Basically I just told him that I would toughen up and not listen to them. For one, he's worth sticking around for. I would rather be with him and have to listen to their crap than be leave and be wishing I was with him. And two, I figure if I stick around long enough then they will realize that I'm in this. Actions speak louder than words right?

I think they are just being protective of their friend. I don't think they are intentially trying to run me off, they just want the best for him which is totally understandable. I'm glad that you replied and any other input, good, bad or indifferent, would be appreciated.

Thanks Jax

[Jax]

CollegeGirl, on Mar 26 2009, 07:02 AM, said:

Him and I have talked about the situation in general a couple of times, but I don't want him to lose any of his friends because of me, just as I don't want to lose any of my friends (although mine have no problem with us dating).

Collegegirl,

I have learned a few other things over the years about "friends." First, if he did lose friends, it would not be because of you. It would be because they weren't real friends to begin with. You would be surprised to know how many people are "friends" with someone in a wheelchair just for ego boost or for the appearance of being good, caring people. I have seen a couple of those around me claiming to be my friend, but for selfish reasons. It's pretty sorry to use somebody that way, but it happens. Hypothetically here- If any of your friends did have a problem with you two dating just because he's in a wheelchair, they would either need an education, or to be left behind. Somebody being in a chair should not be the determining factor in whether or not your friends support you dating him.

You are right about actions speaking louder than words. Those girls may be counting on the same thing though. They are seen around him, and act caring/protective of him, so people automatically assume they are his friends. However, if they don't start to realize over the next few months that you are there to stay, then the truth of their friendship might come into question.


JAX


PS-I have always been taught to have a contingency plan. You know, the old "when all else fails..." So here it is, and I hope it never comes to it. If the crap ever upsets you badly enough to make you cry, do it in front of him. If he ever sees you cry over the crap they're doing, it will break his heart. If he doesn't do something to put an end to the crap after that, then he wasn't worth it. If he doesn't expect his friends to respect you how can he say that he respects you?

[mhangel]

Thank you College Girl for posting your feelings and concerns. I too am new to all of this, I just met this wonderful man this weekend, that has been injured for 31 years. I have all these questions to ask but do not know how to ask them.

Mhangel

[ClaraTaylor]

I did a very stupid thing in the first few months of my relationship (11 months yesterday!) which was to try and put off "the talk" about what is wrong with me, what I could / couldn't do. I tried to dodge the "hints" and hide behind silly jokes.

stupid stupid girl!!

Once we got "the talk" over our relationship suddenly became so much more wonderful - because of course he wasn't so scared, wasn't quite so afraid of breaking me, or panicking if x y z happened... truth be told he was petrified in case he did anything "wrong".

Communication is important for a relationship, some times talking is all we can manage.

So if you're the walking one for everyone's sake - take a deep breath and ask, keep the questions light to start and let them fill in the gaps when they are relaxed enough to do so (because "sooo you're a cripple, can you still keep it up long enough to make me scream?" while important is not always the ice breaker people want).

What happened?
Don't focus on the what can't you do? Focus on the what you can do?

Some people are very protective of their injury, their limitations. So respect them if they don't want to tell you everything just yet. To me having someone ask me about my injury is like them asking what my bra size is. It's so much a part of me that I barely notice (until a strap snaps) and yet I feel uncomfortable telling certain people.

And if you are a wheelchair user - TELL THEM!!!! They'll find out eventually. It's like not telling your partner you still sleep with your teddy bear. Sooner or later they'll find out and not all surprises are enjoyable or "cute".

[devotedwife]

Hi College Girl,

Congrats on your new relationship! I bet you aare glowing!

I met my husband a few months after his injury. So, I definitly know where you are coming from. In our situation, he was living with his brother and his family when we met. They were not happy about us getting together or spending so much time together. We fell hard for each other very fast and 3 weeks after we met, we bought a house together. He poposed a month later and we got married 2 months afterwards. So, our relationship went very fast, but we have an amazing relationship.

I never saw his chair either. In fact, sometimes I even forget that he is paralyzed. I do silly things like get in the car with him and forget to put his chair in the car, he will say to me, "are we leaving my chair today?" and then I apologize profusely and he just laughs.


Of course, we have our problems, like he has been sick a lot. Send me a message on here and I will give you my email address. I would love to talk to you.

[twiggy]

devotedwife, on May 29 2009, 12:26 PM, said:

I never saw his chair either. In fact, sometimes I even forget that he is paralyzed. I do silly things like get in the car with him and forget to put his chair in the car, he will say to me, "are we leaving my chair today?" and then I apologize profusely and he just laughs.

I love this.... it is so true. I manage to leave the chair behind at least once or twice a week. I started dating my fiancee 2 1/2 years after his injury. being a T 8/9 he is able to transfer himself. I take care of the chair when we go places since it is less time consuming. It took me about two weeks to get past the strangeness of dating a para. I'm well known for getting in the truck while he is getting himself in and forgetting that i can't be in till i put the chair in the back.

I really don't have an advice to you about how to deal with this cares, I had previous experince as I am a nurse and worked with a C4 through school. know what is comfortable for both of you.

[newwife08]

My husband is a quad due to a birth injury. He and I have both been married in the past and, obvoiusly, neither of them worked out. My husbands mobility sounds a lot like your boyfriends, though my husband has a pinching ability in his thumb and first finger on his right hand. While he is able to do a lot, he still gets help from carers with his personal cares....everything from showering, dressing, incontinence changes and his bowel program.

While he'd been in several relationships before marrying his first wife, he told me early in our relationship that he'd never been with anyone like me. We met through an internet dating site and after talking there for a few weeks, we decided to exchange email addresses. I found out after his frist email, that I worked with his cousin (small world). When I asked her about him, she said, "so you know he's in a wheelchair, right?" Ummmm, no. Actually he hadn't told me about that yet. At first I was a little surprised, shocked and even angry that he hadn't told me. However, having that bit of information was kinda nice. I decided I'd wait it out and see how long it would take him to tell me. It only took a few days, after I told him that I knew his cousin. When he told me, in an email (as we hadn't even talked to each other on the phone yet) he told me that he'd understand if I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Such low self esteem coming from such a nice guy! I told him that at this point, it didn't seem like an issue to me. I had to explain to him that while being in a wheelchair is a part of him, to me, it's not what defines him. I wanted to get to know about HIM, not his disability. He told me that if I ever had questions, to ask. So, I did. Slowly, one subject at a time.

I still remember our first date. I was scared shitless!!! I never thought to ask what kind of chair he was in and when I drove into the restaurant parking lot and saw him in his power chair, I honestly felt sick to my stomach. I was so scared/nervous/wanted-to-pee-my-pants, I sat there through half of dinner with a stupid smile on my face! We laugh about it now and after over 3 years, I have days that I don't even see the chair (which is when I get my toes run over).

Ok, I'm getting off topic here!!! Anyway..... I know how it is with his friends being very protective. After all the bad relationships he'd been in before, his friends, both male and female, were very protective of him. He has two sisters who were rather protective of him as well. I've only been questioned a few times to my face in regards to my intentions and I just simply explained that I love him for who he is, not what he is. He is a great guy who takes care of me and my son and that's really important to me. We both like the same things, yet we're very different too. If they really are his friends, they will realize that you are good for him and will back off. I'd be very careful telling him about what they are saying. I wouldn't be overly pissy about it and may mention it in passing, rather than holding a b**** fest. It might not go over so well that way. However, I do agree with Jax. If they do it in front of him, a nice polite cry to show that your feelings were really hurt wouldn't be a bad thing.

In regards to his injury and questions that you have about it... ask him. Find an appropriate time, like at home when you're chillin' watching tv (as long as neither of you are super into the show). As him a few questions here and there. Don't grill him on it, just ask more casually. From personal experience, this will make him feel as if you are simply inquiring and not judging.

Since our guys injury level is so similar, if you have any questions, please ask!

[kellib]

I met and married my husband after his accident. At first his friends and family were not too sure about me either. But I have just proved to them otherwise. When we started dating I would see him struggle with doing things ( his fingers don't work either) and I would jump to help him. I found out very quickly that was the wrong thing to do. Now I only help him if he asks. I found out things about him by just asking. He had not tried to have sex till we met and had been together for a while. We talked about it and decided to try, and lo and behold it worked. Needless to say, he was thrilled. I am his caregiver and I am helping him raise his 3 daughters. Being his caregiver gets to be overwhelming at times, but I just remember why I fell in love with him and it is all worth it. My family is very supportive and we have a great group of friends that help us around the house and yard. The girls and i do all we can, but there are some things that we must get help for. If think that if you start asking questions, he will answer. Lots of things you will learn just by being with him.
Hope that some of this helps. Welcome to this site. It rocks.

[Phyleva]

I met my husband when he was 2 years post injury. I never noticed his chair. It took a while for us to settle in and we have learned a lot together. We have been together for 6 years now and they have been the best years of my life.
You should know that SCI causes other health issues able-bodied people do not have to deal with. I did a lot of research and asked a lot of questions...(I drive my hubby batty with questions..LOL) But knowledge helps you to understand. I have had to do CPR on my hubby 3 times in the time we have been together due to health complications, and doctors using bad judgement. But I am just glad I was prepared, and able to save his life. I don't mean to scare you but do your home work and communicate!
One thing I can tell you that the other post touched on is that is is really important not to try to do too much. I ask my hubby if he wants my help, and sometimes if he asks my help too much and I know he is just being lazy I tell him I can't help....It is important for a person with SCI to do as much as they can for themselves. I know it is normal to want to help but sometimes it is the worst thing you can do.
We do a lot of things that amaze people. We go camping, he rides a 4 wheeler (we joke he is a quad on a quad...LOL) he does a lot of wood working and I don't think there is anything he wont try to do.
I hope you are as lucky in your relationship as we have been.
Keep us posted! Being on this site is a step in the right direction.
Feel free to mgs me anytime.

[CollegeGirl]

Ok, I have an update on the situation. I'm good with all of his friends now, except for one. She doesn't talk to me or look at me and if I try to talk to her or the group then she turns her back on me. A friend of mine came up one weekend to visit and she, my boyfriend and I went out to dinner. The girl came up to talk to my boyfriend and turned her back on my friend and me as they talked. My friend immediately noticed her rude behaivor, but my boyfriend continued to think that I was being paranoid.

I left for a few weeks to visit my family and while I was gone the girl texted me saying that she was sorry for being hateful and that she was just being protective. I told her not to worry about it. I decided that it would be best for me to let everything go and just get along.

When I got back to town, my boyfriend had me put a picture of myself in the front of his wallet. A few days later I got his wallet out to buy him some things from the store and saw that a picture of her had been placed in his wallet in front of mine, even when there were plenty of other slots open. I asked him about it and he said that she had taken his wallet a couple days before to get him a beer, so we are pretty sure that she put the picture in there.

I'm not sure why she keeps being rude to me. These little immature acts are really starting to...well...piss me off! My boyfriend refuses to say anything and continues to act like nothing is wrong and he wont even let me say anything to her. He says that I should just "let it go." How long do I continue to put up with this? I know that he cares about me, but why doesn't he care that one of his best friends is treating me like this? Basically I just want to know what I should do about it...or what you would do.

Thanks everyone!

[ItaG]

Hi! I am definitely not an expert on SCI, but in my opinion the whole thing has nothing to do with being over-protecting of your bf because of his SCI.

I can understand some diffidence in the beginning from his friends due to over protection, I think I would do the same in the case of my friend, but this should disappear with time. And it seems that this has indeed been the case for the large majority of his friends, with one exception.

About her, my personal interpretation is that some people are just over possessive of their friends (different from protective!), and feel threatened when a new bf/gf comes in the picture. I had a horrible experience with the best friend of one ex in the past (ex was AB of course, so no SCI excuse to use as a pretext): he was just SO JEALOUS of him. At a certain point I thought he was gay (he was not), I could not understand how he could feel that their friendship was so threatened by me, especially since I am not a possessive person and I did not mind at all if sometime they were going out on their own, and so on.

Going back to your case, I think she is just jealous. This does not mean that she is in love with your bf, just that she does not like at all to "share". The picture thing was just SO CHILDISH, how old is she?? 13?? LOL

What to do? Hard to say, these are very tricky situations. And in my opinion the right attitude to have depends a lot on how close they are... are they best friends or similar, or just "common friends"?

[buff]

hey college girl, i am in a similar situation. i went to baptist church when i was younger and over ther years have ran into this guy i remembered him from church his mother was my sunday school teacher. over the years we have been distant friends. well he asked me out a few months ago and as we were talking at one point he said "you don't know?". and i of course was like "know what?" so he told me about his accident three years earlier. he is in an assisted care home right now. i hate him being there. anyway i started to go visit him hang out with him and fell totally in love with him. we both feel that we were just meant to be toghether and the fact that his accident didn't stop us from falling in love really means a lot. to both of us i think. i think about how hard it will be to have a life with him. constantly taking care of him. my mother thinks i don't need anymore complications in my life but being with him i feel i can do anything. i love him so much and realize no matter what how he is i want to be with him. all the time. luckily i was a CNA for years and was premed in college so i have some experience with care taking. but it would be nice to have somebody to talk with about it. somebody that can relate. when we first started dating the first question my friends as is "can we still be intimant?" and the answer is yes. they do make medication for that. and that is sort of an important part to any relationship. i hope everything is going well and if you have any questions feel free to chat with me on facebook. my name is beth leach. i would love to hear about your sweetheart. take care.

CollegeGirl, on Mar 25 2009, 05:20 AM, said:

Hello. I'm not really sure where to start with all this. I met an absolutely amazing guy a few months back (4 to be specific). We're dating now. Yes, he's in a wheelchair. I don't know exactly how to word his exact condition. He's paralyzed from the chest down. He can move his arms almost parallel to the ground but has no funtioning of his fingers. That's about the best I can do as far as his condition of the top of my head.

He's amazing. I've never really viewed him as a guy in a wheelchair. He's just a handsome, caring, intelligent guy that I instantly fell head-over-heels for. But now I'm wanting some information.

What was in like for you when you started dating your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend?

He has a group of friends that he is extremely close to. They are all girls and extremely protective of him. They don't approve of us dating because they are afraid of him getting hurt. I appriciate them caring for him so much, but how do I get around it without seeming inconsiderate to his friends? Has anyone else had this issue? They really are amazing girls and have the best interest at heart, but it's really difficult having a relationship with someone who always has others telling me to back off or questioning my motives for wanting to be with him. Any suggestions on what to do?

Are there any good sites that I could look at to learn more about this type of injury, how to take care of him, and just general knowledge of everything? I'd like more of a personal view than a site written by a doctor.

Thanks for your help!

[blue eyes]

hi. i have been dating my boyfriend who is a c6/7 complete for about 4 months now also. we feel in love really quick so everything was out in the open really early. he can pretty much do everything for himself. he can move his arms but can't move his fingers. he can feel the first 3 though. he caths and has a bowel program he has to keep up with and he does both of these himself. he also has a very tight knit group of friends and family. his friends are his family pretty much. they never treated me like i was with him for the wrong reasons because they trust his judgement. i do find them very protective of him though. if i were you i would try and talk to them and tell them your intentions and reassure them that in all relationships you have the risk of heartbreak and things not working out and that him being in a chair will have nothing to do with this. you love him and they should respect that. i was afraid at first of whether his friends would be wary around me because they didn't know my intentions but they accepted me very quickly once they saw how much love we had for eachother. as far as not knowing what his condition entails i would ask. everyone is different. if things are uncomfortable to ask about like bowel programs and general hygiene questions just keep your eyes open. i never asked about alot of things, i just found out by finding things like suppositories and gloves. i'm in the same boat as you in alot of ways though. this relationship is definately new and i forget sometimes he's in a wheelchair because to me that doesn't define him. i love HIM. i get looks sometimes by people especially because i'm a single mother and when we are walking around together they take us as a family and i assume they are wondering how that's possible. i realize these are just things that i'm going to have to deal with and after a while i won't notice it anymore. anymore questions just ask!!!