[dnm527]

The brief history goes like this we met in 2007 I worked with him. I was ending my 10 year marriage. He was ending a relationship as well. He has been injured for 13 yrs. Under the impression that he was comfortable in his situation I was drawn to him. By spending most of my time caring for him, as his friend, I saw how he manipulated and worked people around him . Different women called the phone regularly. I knew how he operated. We were very good friends first. We made it official in 2008. When you care for and spend as much time as we did with one another, you know them better than they know themselves. I then moved in and continued to care for him during the day and worked PRN 7 to 11 shift. I noticed the affection. attention, love and compliments that were once shown, were now replaced with lack of affection , no attention and constant complaints. We had a problem brewing. Everything I did was met with negativity. Sex that was once a very beautiful part of the relationship was met with nagging. He found a way to nit pic at everthing. I came into his life, redecorated the house cooked whatever he request, made it possible for him to see his two children regularly. I also made it so that he was not confined to just his home. I was not appreciated. I did all these things because I genuinely loved and cared for him as an individual. When the personality changed, I knew something was up. While I was at work he had several calls from different women friends at 2 am. Not appropriate for someone in a relationship. Has also changed his numbers 3 times since he has been home. Finally I see an innapropriated text on the cellphone. You can call it SEXting!LOL I address this issue, he becomes enraged. Months pass, again and he is back at it only this time sending kisses and miss you's. I am h urt because the level of affection is now being directed elsewhere. He is never satisfied. Once again he misbehaves, I pack up and leave. I return. He behaves breifly. Now it's his facebook page. Keeps it blocked, because he is always up to something. Only behaves right when he thinks I'm leaving. He is trying to re-live his youth but he has expressed that he is ready to settle down. His actions show otherwise. He says I am trying to take away everything and this is the way he communicates with the outside world. I am not a Quad. So I don't get it. Is this normal behavior? Or am I on the right track when I say he is ungrateful, selfish, unhappy, playing games, wants his cake and eat it to and definitely not content in our relationship. I feel like I am just around because I do what the others won't. I feel used. He says it's not cheating because he can't physically do anything or go anywhere. Am I destined to deal with this type of repetitive behavior? Is this just his personality? He says he'll never be happy or content (he was an excellent athelete prior to) I have a tough love kind of method. It's been 13 yrs. Get over it! Most people would love to be in his situation. He has a home, his own transportation , I have moved myself and my children in. We have a dog! And not to mention I think I'm quite gorgeous if I must say so myself;-) But he still is not content! What do I do? Just let him do whatever because physically there is nothing he can do or continue to stand my ground and call it the BS like I see it.

[cate]

There is always 2 sides to every story, But I would ask myself (if I feel like your are), why you allow yourself to be used, life is giving and receiving, just one cannot do all the giving. Think maybe time to move on and get your life back, for yourself and your children,Cate

[Ana]

If he was physically able to do more than just the online cheating, would he? Ask yourself that question. If I were you, I would pack up and leave, no matter what the answer is. Emotional cheating is also cheating.

[qbounce]

You said he has his own transportation, so why do you think he ISN'T getting out?
If he can't get out, isn't it at all possible for someone to visit him?

Even if nothing is physically happening, his virtual cheating with real people is a catalyst for things to come, and I'm sure he could easily take it further at any time if you let things continue.

Pornography is one thing, only because you can't have a two way interaction with images. But communicating on-line and through phone texts is CHEATING no matter how you look at it. I find it almost impossible to justify how this could be construde as anything else.

Now, my question to YOU is, if you're such a beautiful, caring, young lady and partner . . . . a great catch for ANY man, why do you have such low self esteem as to continually put yourself through this type of tumultuous relationship? Maybe you could use some counseling too.
Please though, don't take offense to my candor. I'm just callin' it as I see it.

This post has been edited by qbounce: 01 May 2009 - 03:06 PM

[LeahC]

Sometimes people do what you've described because they don't feel good about themselves, and this is a confidence boost - plus it's probably giving him a buzz as it's 'naughty' and he feels like he's doing some chasing.

It sounds like when you have a word with him he behaves for a while then goes back to the way he was - this is because there is no punishment! All you do is tell him off, then it's back to normal. If he keeps proving he won't change maybe you should get counselling?

[AndrewB]

LeahC, on May 1 2009, 12:46 PM, said:

Sometimes people do what you've described because they don't feel good about themselves, and this is a confidence boost - plus it's probably giving him a buzz as it's 'naughty' and he feels like he's doing some chasing.

It sounds like when you have a word with him he behaves for a while then goes back to the way he was - this is because there is no punishment! All you do is tell him off, then it's back to normal. If he keeps proving he won't change maybe you should get counselling?

Well said, and also your probably about right on with whats goin on with him there.

[edlee]

Quote

I saw how he manipulated and worked people around him . Different women called the phone regularly. I knew how he operated.

This was in your first paragraph,,,,,???? What did you expect,,, to change him?

It's been said that women marry men, expecting to change them,, men marry women, expecting them not to change.

In his mind, you knew what you were getting,, why should he change?

Don't waste your time,,, move on, and sooner than later. Standing your ground sounds like putting up with it to me,,,, and probably to him , too.
ed

[DrLove]

Hi!
I was reading your story and had a feeling that you just described what I feel around the person I care for...

Yes, their sences cut off (below the level of injury) they can not feel sexual attraction the same way AB man do-it is all in their

head,and nowhere else.

They are self-centered and may read womens character very well- since they have more time to analyze and think through about

many things,being alone , while we are running our errands.They know your weak emotional spot and know very well how to

manipulate you in order to get what they want-all the charm they have on you, all the magic of sad eyes,goofy faces,etc...

I would confront him and ask straight frankly questions about his feelings toward you and what do you both expect from

relationship you have now.

.Being in a wheelchair explains their behavior but does not excuses it.

I would treat him as if he is an AB man...

Ask yourself what makes you happy being around him and why does it makes you a luky person to have such man in your life

Is this what you want for a lifetime ?


... and then-listen to your inner feeling about it.


I know that you will get lots of advice,but it is up to you to decide which one to take...


I always asked myself:suppose I have the life I am having now...and if I wake up one morning at the age of 80y.o.-will I still have

the same feeling of happiness or will it be the emptiness inside of you and sorrow for waisted years...


Good luck and all the best!
Feel free to post me...

[Slowlegs]

dnm527, on May 1 2009, 08:43 AM, said:

The brief history goes like this we met in 2007 I worked with him. I was ending my 10 year marriage. He was ending a relationship as well. He has been injured for 13 yrs. Under the impression that he was comfortable in his situation I was drawn to him. By spending most of my time caring for him, as his friend, I saw how he manipulated and worked people around him...

Different women called the phone regularly. I knew how he operated...

I noticed the affection. attention, love and compliments that were once shown, were now replaced with lack of affection , no attention and constant complaints. We had a problem brewing. Everything I did was met with negativity. Sex that was once a very beautiful part of the relationship was met with nagging. He found a way to nit pic at everthing...

Is this just his personality? He says he'll never be happy or content ...

He has a home, his own transportation , I have moved myself and my children in. We have a dog! And not to mention I think I'm quite gorgeous if I must say so myself;-) But he still is not content...

Hi, I dated a woman who was commitment phobic. Through dating her I figured out I was one too, not only around relationships but also other things such as real estate and general decisions in every day life. In the past, I met a lot of women, very nice, normal and loving women. As soon as things started getting deep, a trigger would go off in my head and I would sabotage everything. Perhaps I would suddenly start missing the "fun" stuff I would do when I was single, the freedom and spontaneity of doing what I wanted when I wanted to. I would do everything I could to end it. Then I would meet another and the thrill of the chase would get me started again. Commitment phobics are often involved with those with low self esteem who don't question the small things they see earlier on. I used to think it was something to do with my injury but at least one - if not two of my brothers show the same symptoms. None of my siblings are marrried. I did however lose over $50000 on a real estate deal gone bad and that is when it seemed to start or get worse. I got the following from wikipedia:

Commitmentphobia is often most strongly apparent in romantic life. Generally, commitmentphobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment and get married, yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain longlasting connections. Ironically, in these romantic relationships, the commitmentphobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for a frightening reality leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating.

The key to understanding commitmentphobia is recognizing that such behavior is rooted in fear -- fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. The commitmentphobic mind sees decisions as permanent, opening the possibility of being caged or trapped forever with no means of escape. Commitmentphobia is a real disabling fear, that can be manifest in many areas of life, including career, home ownership, or even shoe shopping. This fear can make simple every day decisions into a tremendous burden.

To assuage their anxieties, many commitmentphobics become fantasy-driven, using their active imaginations to fill in for the lack of emotional security and closeness in their lives. Of course, these fantasies pose additional problems because no potential partner, car, or job can ever live up to the fantasy. Commitmentphobics are also prone to self-destructive behavior, such as walking out on partners or jobs without notice, leaving themselves and the people in their lives in untenable situations.

To me it sounds like he may be commitment phobic, most of us guys are when we are younger but most of us grow out of it. I am no expert but perhaps look it up on the net. Thing with commitment phobics is you will need to have couples counselling. Without good counselling they will feel even more trapped and the relationship is often even more doomed to fail.

This post has been edited by Slowlegs: 02 May 2009 - 10:30 AM

[dnm527]

WoW! I am just getting around to reading these posts and I must say things have definitely changed. I am not really sure what caused the tide to shift, however it has been fairly decent. Once the social networking sites were addressed The page was opened up, my family and some of my friends were added. The cellphone is still questinable, but I figure we all would like some level of privacy. He cuts it on when he is out. All calls are redirected to the home phone. I am wondering if he was just holding back. Maybe not to sure about where the relationship was headed. He has even branched out to mingle with my family. Which he said he would never do. I still believe that this is a normal pattern. He knows that there is so much that I am willing to tolerate at this point. I appreciate all the wonderful posts. I do believe that if this relationship is to go any further (which we are considering) we most certainly need counseling. Learning how to effectively communicate is the hardest thing to do in any relationship. Learning how to trust someone (for me personally) is even worse. If he was AB we would still have these same issues. Not making excuses, I think I've just realized that anyone you meet is going to have their carry on bag of BS! Some bags are big,small, pink or blue. Either way you slice it, it's still a bag of BS. Just depends on what you are willing to deal with.

[Texas Angel Ang]

edlee, on May 1 2009, 09:34 PM, said:

Quote

I saw how he manipulated and worked people around him . Different women called the phone regularly. I knew how he operated.

This was in your first paragraph,,,,,???? What did you expect,,, to change him?

It's been said that women marry men, expecting to change them,, men marry women, expecting them not to change.

In his mind, you knew what you were getting,, why should he change?

Don't waste your time,,, move on, and sooner than later. Standing your ground sounds like putting up with it to me,,,, and probably to him , too.
ed

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY!!!

I think emotional cheating is way worse than physical cheating! So much time invested emotionally to someone else versus a quick "roll in the hay" with no emotional attachment... well either way as you stated before he's very manipulative. The changing of numbers, late-night calls, face book is blocked... come on now you deserve better!

I wonder what he was like prior to his injury with the ladies...

[ohio4282]

dnm527, on May 1 2009, 01:43 AM, said:

The brief history goes like this we met in 2007 I worked with him. I was ending my 10 year marriage. He was ending a relationship as well. He has been injured for 13 yrs. Under the impression that he was comfortable in his situation I was drawn to him. By spending most of my time caring for him, as his friend, I saw how he manipulated and worked people around him . Different women called the phone regularly. I knew how he operated. We were very good friends first. We made it official in 2008. When you care for and spend as much time as we did with one another, you know them better than they know themselves. I then moved in and continued to care for him during the day and worked PRN 7 to 11 shift. I noticed the affection. attention, love and compliments that were once shown, were now replaced with lack of affection , no attention and constant complaints. We had a problem brewing. Everything I did was met with negativity. Sex that was once a very beautiful part of the relationship was met with nagging. He found a way to nit pic at everthing. I came into his life, redecorated the house cooked whatever he request, made it possible for him to see his two children regularly. I also made it so that he was not confined to just his home. I was not appreciated. I did all these things because I genuinely loved and cared for him as an individual. When the personality changed, I knew something was up. While I was at work he had several calls from different women friends at 2 am. Not appropriate for someone in a relationship. Has also changed his numbers 3 times since he has been home. Finally I see an innapropriated text on the cellphone. You can call it SEXting!LOL I address this issue, he becomes enraged. Months pass, again and he is back at it only this time sending kisses and miss you's. I am h urt because the level of affection is now being directed elsewhere. He is never satisfied. Once again he misbehaves, I pack up and leave. I return. He behaves breifly. Now it's his facebook page. Keeps it blocked, because he is always up to something. Only behaves right when he thinks I'm leaving. He is trying to re-live his youth but he has expressed that he is ready to settle down. His actions show otherwise. He says I am trying to take away everything and this is the way he communicates with the outside world. I am not a Quad. So I don't get it. Is this normal behavior? Or am I on the right track when I say he is ungrateful, selfish, unhappy, playing games, wants his cake and eat it to and definitely not content in our relationship. I feel like I am just around because I do what the others won't. I feel used. He says it's not cheating because he can't physically do anything or go anywhere. Am I destined to deal with this type of repetitive behavior? Is this just his personality? He says he'll never be happy or content (he was an excellent athelete prior to) I have a tough love kind of method. It's been 13 yrs. Get over it! Most people would love to be in his situation. He has a home, his own transportation , I have moved myself and my children in. We have a dog! And not to mention I think I'm quite gorgeous if I must say so myself;-) But he still is not content! What do I do? Just let him do whatever because physically there is nothing he can do or continue to stand my ground and call it the BS like I see it.

dnm527, on Jul 30 2009, 09:49 PM, said:

WoW! I am just getting around to reading these posts and I must say things have definitely changed. I am not really sure what caused the tide to shift, however it has been fairly decent. Once the social networking sites were addressed The page was opened up, my family and some of my friends were added. The cellphone is still questinable, but I figure we all would like some level of privacy. He cuts it on when he is out. All calls are redirected to the home phone. I am wondering if he was just holding back. Maybe not to sure about where the relationship was headed. He has even branched out to mingle with my family. Which he said he would never do. I still believe that this is a normal pattern. He knows that there is so much that I am willing to tolerate at this point. I appreciate all the wonderful posts. I do believe that if this relationship is to go any further (which we are considering) we most certainly need counseling. Learning how to effectively communicate is the hardest thing to do in any relationship. Learning how to trust someone (for me personally) is even worse. If he was AB we would still have these same issues. Not making excuses, I think I've just realized that anyone you meet is going to have their carry on bag of BS! Some bags are big,small, pink or blue. Either way you slice it, it's still a bag of BS. Just depends on what you are willing to deal with.

If anything at all is still questionable, how much has the tide really turned? You even said, you still believe he is following a normal pattern. And the normal pattern he follows, frankly, does not sound like a relationship I would want to be in.

Anyway, having said that, I'm not sure what to make of your update. If it were me, I'd get counseling BEFORE taking the reltionship further. From your first post, it sounds like he hooks you, treats you like dirt, you leave, he hooks you. From what little I'm going on, it sounds like you are in the hooking phase, where he decides to behave to get you back. So, you went back. Cycle starts again.

I've been in relationships like that before. What this guy is doing isn't excused by his disability. Past actions are the greatest predictors of future actions, after all. Even if you believe something has really changed, I would get counseling before doing anything else. You need to stop being the doormat and he needs to stop treating you like one. If things have really changed with him and between the two you, it will only solidify the bound between you two.

[edlee]

Thirteen years,, and talking about the "M" word. I'm only quessing, but I also assume your kids ( the ones you brought with you) are about grown, and possibly on their own by now. To stay that long means there had to be some of the good stuff to go along with the bad.

Councelling is definitely called for. You have a lot of time invested,, time to see what that investment has bought,,, then either make the deal,, or move on.

Unless ,, of course,, you are satisfied with the way things have been,,,, in that case,,, keep on keepin' on.
ed