17 replies to this topic

[Meredith]

My bf and i have been through a lot together. We really started dating while he was on bed rest for 8 months. We went out one two dates before he had to have emergency surgery followed by many complications and more surgeries. But we made it through all of that.

Its been about 10 months since off bed rest and we have done a lot of amazing things together and shared and grown a lot...and i'm afraid all we've built may be dwindling away. He cannot find a teaching job and has no means to move out of his parents house without a good income. Things are getting stressful for him....and us. He is so angry about what happened to him w/ the bedrest (ambulance drivers dropped him) and the fact that it seems no one will give him a chance that it seems like everything angers him. even lil things with me. and i'll admit i have a smart quick mouth who sometimes answers him back when i should probably just stay quiet and listen. but he gets so mad at me for little things. we went to dinner last night with my friends and we didn't get to leave until 9:30 and it turned into a big long (still on going) fight. i tried to get our check so we could leave but the waiter had grouped us all together and some people ordered dessert and coffee. but really, 9:30 isn't that late for a 28 and 31 y/o, is it?

idk...i know some of it is my fault bc i don't always understand and as you all know, as hard as i try, as an AB, i never will. i just don't know what to say or do anymore and it seems like all that we built over the last yr and half may go down the tubes...

how do i help or support? he is so angry about little things and i don't know what to say or do. he says he's frustrated b/c we have no means of creating a future right now but it seems like there may not even be one if we continue on like this....

any suggestions? what do i say or do? how do i help or support? idk!

[DaveP]

Try the very basics, like you're teaching English as a foreign language. Speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Speak your mind, without all the extra unecessary adjectives. Guys like the Kiss policy - Keep It Simple Stupid. Don't tippy-toe around, walking on egg shells.

If he gets angry, leave him alone - it's hard to be angry on your own. Try not to fuel his anger, otherwise he'll blame you - it's even harder to get angry about yourself! Getting angry about the past is a self-destructive emotion - there's nothing that you can do to change the past and the anger only affects the present and the future.

Have a break from each other, often. An evening, a day, a weekend, a week... Being alone gives us time to think.

Don't rush home from work like clockwork - call him and tell him to meet you some where every now and again. Routines can become mundane and boring.

Break old bad habits and routines, and create new ones. Get out the house and go to places you haven't been before. Just stroll around, window shop, have a meal - it'll be like escaping all the problems at home and lets some steam off the pressure cooker.

Don't sympathise - empathise. Guys don't like the girlie pink fluffy cuddly shit - we like a slap on the back and a kick in the arse! Ask him if he was an employer, would he employ him? If not, why not? Looking in the mirror like this helps us see our faults and only then can we start to fix them.

If you always do what you always did, all you can expect is what you've already got!

[Meredith]

DaveP, on May 13 2009, 06:28 PM, said:

If you always do what you always did, all you can expect is what you've already got!

and that's the definition of insanity! lol. thank you so much for your reply. what an insightful response!

[DaveP]

Meredith, on May 14 2009, 12:08 AM, said:

DaveP, on May 13 2009, 06:28 PM, said:

If you always do what you always did, all you can expect is what you've already got!

and that's the definition of insanity! lol. thank you so much for your reply. what an insightful response!

oh... forgot one important thing...

Talk "I Talk" not "You Talk"... ie say, "I get upset when you do that" rather than "You upset me when you do that."

"I Talk" is about how you feel. He cant get mad about how you feel.
"You Talk" is about what he does, and that's finger-pointing, and no one like that.

[cubanito_016]

I feel you its hard especially with a spinal cord injury life is a piece of shit in a wheelchair only If I could walk things will be better but the point is life sucks for us so dont worrry pz.

[mjtpopus]

He can't get a job, he's living with his parents...those things alone would cause an ablebodied person to be stressed out. How would you respond to someone who wasn't disabled and had these difficulties? This might be more about those things rather than being disabled. BUT...the bedrest thing sucks, I missed 3 weeks of work last year because I spilled hot tea down my back and it burnt an area that pressed directly on the back and seat of my wheelchair. I was pretty stircrazy and pissed off about it. I think you owe him the truth though. Let him know how you are feeling and what you (meaning both of you) can do about it.

Anyhow, good luck.

Tom

[DaveP]

cubanito_016, on May 14 2009, 01:36 AM, said:

I feel you its hard especially with a spinal cord injury life is a piece of shit in a wheelchair only If I could walk things will be better but the point is life sucks for us so dont worrry pz.

You seem to being over-flowing with positiveness! I don't think I've read any message you've posted that has anything positive. You must a real bundle of joy to be with!

You need to have a good think about your attitude, as you're only making your own life shit, and bringing misery to your loved ones. I even feel your misery and I'm half way around the world from you.

No one likes a moaner and you'll wear people down, until they can't take any more. Then you'll moan that life is so shit and no one loves you! And it's not your fault and the whole world is against you.... yawn yawn...

Wake up and smell the coffee! If moaning helped fix anything, then go ahead and moan. But it doesn't - it only makes things worse for yourself and the ones you love. Why make things worse for them?

Accept what you have and re-adjust to your new limitations, and make the most of it.

[Meredith]

mjtpopus, on May 13 2009, 09:01 PM, said:

He can't get a job, he's living with his parents...those things alone would cause an ablebodied person to be stressed out. How would you respond to someone who wasn't disabled and had these difficulties? This might be more about those things rather than being disabled.

I am not blaming any of these problems on the disability. There are times when situations come up directly b/c of the disability but this isn't one of them. I turned to this site b/c its the only one I know where people can relate or are willing to give advice but I'm not here b/c I think this is strictly a disability problem.

When we talk about the job/living situation, I am positive and hopeful. I am patient-I am not pressuring him to get a job or move out to be with me or anything. I live by myself and sustain myself. I am starting a master's program that will last two years and I am not looking for marriage or children anytime soon. When I offer support or advice on the job search, he takes it as I am implying he is incompetent or uncapable of doing what he needs to do himself. But that's not what I mean. I helped to write his resume and cover letter bc he asked for my help. But I recently offered to take a look at another letter and he got offended and thinks I am saying he can't do it himself. IDK, I have taken the "just listen, don't talk" approach lately. I hear him say the same things over and over, complaining and not doing anything differently and keep my mouth shut.

It's just awful. And now he has taken the angle that everything is my fault. And I am willing to accept the responsibility bc I want to move on. I am sucking it up and letting him tell me what I do wrong and apologizing for it but it still continues. idk...when people are stuck in a rut and miserable, telling them so doesn't help. So, I am letting him vent and point the finger at me but its not helping him get out of this funk. I don't know what else I can do....I liked Dave's advice about leaving him alone bc its hard to stay angry alone. So far, he is still angry but its only been about a day. So I am going to go away with friends for the weekend and give him some space. He was supposed to come wiht me but now he doesn't want to so I am just going to go by myself. I hope this too shall pass!

cubanito_016, on May 13 2009, 08:36 PM, said:

I feel you its hard especially with a spinal cord injury life is a piece of shit in a wheelchair only If I could walk things will be better but the point is life sucks for us so dont worrry pz.

and btw, this could have easily been posted by my bf...he says stuff like this a lot...

[mjtpopus]

It sounds as though your boyfriend may need some professional help. He sounds a lot like I was for the first few years after my injury. I saw a counselor from the Massachusetts Spinal Cord Injury Association for almost 4 years, the whole time I was in college. That guy changed my life. He was a high level quad and had been in a chair for over 20 years and he was doing things and going places of which most able bodied folks wouldn't dream. Most of all though, he taught me that we are responsible for our own lives and we can't blame others. Certain events may be the fault of others but how we react to them and overcome them is all us.
Perhaps your boyfriend could benefit from seeing someone like this. Saved my life, maybe it can save his and your relationship. Whatever happens, I wish you luck.

[qbounce]

Counseling is always a good answer for anger or depression problems.

Could he be trying to sabotage your relationship on purpose??

I'm glad you found time to get away from him for the weekend. If this anger problem persists though, I'd give him even MORE space for awhile. Your going for your master's degree. So, at this juncture in your life, you don't need this kind of drama to offset your goals. Focus more on your school and less on him and his problems. Maybe he'll come around on his own, and then again, maybe he won't. But it isn't up to you to get him where he should be, mentally/ emotionally.

I truly hope a weekend away will help him realize what he has in you, but if this isn't a "quick fix" then you may have to take a more drastic approach to keep your own sanity.

[E-DOG]

Whoa babe!
Between your parents, and how they feel about your guy, and your guy and the way he feels about himself, you've got a rough row to hoe.
Seems you're getting hit on all sides with insurmountable obstacles on the path to happiness.

I just hope this really is the guy for you, cause this whole situation appears to be, at least from this angle, creating quite a bit of misery for you.
Hope it doesn't make your studies too stressful. You do have your future to think about. Not obsess on, but think about. And that which isn't a positive force in your life right now, will in fact slow you down.

As qbounce suggests, a break for ya'll sounds like a great idea. And the sabotage thing IS a possibility. Also, if he sounds nearly as negative as cubanito then some counseling could be in order.

It's time for the guy to learn. A. he ain't gettin' outa the frigging chair any time soon so buck up 'n quit being a ninny! and B. He has a really cool ol' lady (with a paying job and her own car!) who loves the daylights out of him and is OK with the wheelchair.

Tell him his proctologist called you, A Doctor E-dog I believe his name is? Well anyway, the doctor says he may have found your head.

E

[Quad65]

One other point, if working as a teacher is not possible, maybe it's time for a new/different career path. Years ago, I went into computer programming/data processing, not because I liked it, but because it paid well, was a growth industry, and it was one of the few things an SCI like me could do as well as an AB. Sort of like the old 'one door closes and another door opens' crap. I avoid cliches like the plague.

[Quad65]

Meredith, I've been mulling over your post for the past few days and I feel I might offer some insight. Not because I'm so wise or insightful, but maybe because I've been an SCI so long and have gone through some of the same experiences as your BF. I've been a quad for almost 44 years, since I was 17; not bragging, I say it merely for a frame of reference. I've also been married for over 30 years.

A little history, if you will. Before my accident, there were family issues, my father was a physically abusive binge alcoholic and my mother suffered clinical depression. I met my wife about ten years after my injury and we were engaged for a couple years before were were married. She had a child from a previous short-lived marriage and we had a baby about six years after we were married. Early in our marriage, there were job, financial, and relationship pressures and issues from both of us. Some were present before our marriage.

We decided that things couldn't go on as they had and sought couples counseling. That gave rise to individual counseling. It is the best thing we could have done. I'll concentrate my remarks on my experience because it relates to you and your BF. Through counseling, I realized I had a great deal of anger rooted in my relationship with my father and also coming to terms with my accident and its aftermath. Two separate, but intertwined issues. It was beginning to poison my relationship with my wife and family.

Part of what I learned is key. Anger is rooted in one or a combination of three things: Fear, Frustration, or Pain, either physical or emotional. Unless you (the rhetorical 'you') recognize, address, and deal with those root causes of anger, you will never successfully manage the anger. Another thing I learned is I had to go through a grieving or mourning process after my accident. The person I was and the life I'd known had essentially died. It was gone, it had fundamentally changed, and it would never come back. I had to take the time to mourn and accept that that person had 'died'. In grief and mourning, you go through different stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I may have forgotten a few, but those are some of the main ones. Looking back, I covered most of them. You don't go through them in any particular order or time period. But you will go through them. Sometimes you need help along the way and there's no shame in seeking it. Only a fool believes he has all the answers and doesn't need help on occasion.

I think your BF's anger is rooted in some of what I have expressed. You can't fix him. He has to help himself, although you can be a support. You have needs, too, in this situation. It is not all about him. Though it may be difficult to find, there is help available. Along with counseling, a new career path evaluation may be in order, too.

Realize that the whole situation will never be fixed or over-and-done with. It is never cured. It is managed, day-to-day, one step at a time. That's the reality. It's work and a long hard slog sometimes. I learned things about myself I didn't know and frankly didn't want to face. But I did and I'm glad. Am I 100% OK with my life now? Not hardly. But I know when things are off the rails and why and I can get back on quickly. Knowledge is Power. Self-Knowledge is Wisdom. Wisdom is Gold.

[E-DOG]

BINGO!

[Travelling Blackbird]

DaveP, on May 14 2009, 02:17 AM, said:

Talk "I Talk" not "You Talk"... i.e. say, "I get upset when you do that" rather than "You upset me when you do that."

"I Talk" is about how you feel. He cant get mad about how you feel.
"You Talk" is about what he does, and that's finger-pointing, and no one like that.

Very good advice. There are ways to defuse what you're going to say so that it doesn't become an accusation. This is one of the most reliable ways. If you're having any trouble framing a sentence without it being "you talk", post up here, let people advise you, and you'll soon get the hang of it.

"You always ask me to help and then accuse me of not believing you can do it alone." could become "I find it hard to judge when I should offer help and when I should wait to be asked. I believe in you, but I also want to be here for you." (for example)

Meredith, on May 14 2009, 02:38 PM, said:

When we talk about the job/living situation, I am positive and hopeful. I am patient-I am not pressuring him to get a job or move out to be with me or anything. I live by myself and sustain myself. I am starting a master's program that will last two years and I am not looking for marriage or children anytime soon. When I offer support or advice on the job search, he takes it as I am implying he is incompetent or uncapable of doing what he needs to do himself. But that's not what I mean. I helped to write his resume and cover letter bc he asked for my help. But I recently offered to take a look at another letter and he got offended and thinks I am saying he can't do it himself. IDK, I have taken the "just listen, don't talk" approach lately. I hear him say the same things over and over, complaining and not doing anything differently and keep my mouth shut.

Seems like a good approach.

Meredith, on May 14 2009, 02:38 PM, said:

It's just awful. And now he has taken the angle that everything is my fault. And I am willing to accept the responsibility bc I want to move on. I am sucking it up and letting him tell me what I do wrong and apologizing for it but it still continues.

That's an unhealthy response that some people have to their disability. It's unhealthy to lash out with blame, and it's something that he probably needs help with. And I do mean professional help. Even a talk therapist.

mjtpopus, on May 15 2009, 12:16 AM, said:

It sounds as though your boyfriend may need some professional help. He sounds a lot like I was for the first few years after my injury. I saw a counselor from the Massachusetts Spinal Cord Injury Association for almost 4 years, the whole time I was in college. That guy changed my life. He was a high level quad and had been in a chair for over 20 years and he was doing things and going places of which most able bodied folks wouldn't dream. Most of all though, he taught me that we are responsible for our own lives and we can't blame others. Certain events may be the fault of others but how we react to them and overcome them is all us.
Perhaps your boyfriend could benefit from seeing someone like this. Saved my life, maybe it can save his and your relationship. Whatever happens, I wish you luck.

Well said.


And a few more cents from me: I use a wheelchair, and I am a teacher. After I started using a wheelchair, I went up for a new teaching position, and I got it. The school admitted to having doubts about my capability as a teacher because of my disability, but they gave me a chance, and I proved myself. I have continued to work as a teacher for most of the past 11 years, and each time I've moved or changed jobs, while I have come up against certain presumptions and prejudices, I've always managed to find new teaching positions. I've met other disabled teachers too. It is definitely a manageable career for a wheelchair user.

Although I've never been a member of one or looked for one, maybe he could look out for an association of teachers with disabilities, some kind of a support network that might help out with any issues he encounters during the application process. Just another thought.

[DarlingBuds]

Meredith,

I hear you. I've been going through a similar situation with my bf (who I will refer to as Himself here). He is also T7 complete...typo in my profile. I'm also from NJ, and Himself and I have been together almost 2 years. I'm now based in the UK.

He could not be a sweeter or lovelier person in general, and nothing upsets him more than when he unwittingly takes his frustrations out on me. I'm sure your bf, in addition to everything else, feels very guilty about you feeling bad because of things going on with him. So it in effect doubles the things for him to be upset about. Does that make sense?

The fact that he knows you are there for him matters more than you can imagine. Himself will often say self-defeating things like, 'Oh, you don't need me, I just make you upset' or similar for this reason. He can't bear to see me hurt about things that are already hurting him. But I know he doesn't really want me to go, and I'm sure yours doesn't want you to either.

Their frustrations get the better of them, and they say a lot of things that they don't mean. Himself will have days when he's fit to be tied...he'll have a bad toileting, or is upset that I bought groceries b/c he's low on cash, or didn't sleep because he's in neuro pain, or spilled tea in his lap and has to go change, or his cat claws his favorite chair that he can't afford to replace.

One time we had been to a dinner party at his friend's place (old climbing buddies--he was injured falling from a mountain), and by the time we got home, he was biting my head off when we were getting out of the car b/c I was 'helping him the wrong way'. I knew this wasn't the case, and after letting him stew, it transpired that he was pissed that his buddies didn't climb much anymore…he was mad that they COULD but DON'T and he just CAN'T. I get it, but it's a whole psychology that I have to get my head around.

I find in those situations, at least with Himself, that it's best to kiss him, remove myself for a bit, and let him stew. Be calm and give him some space. Acting as if things are normal and going about business as usual really helps. I know there will be people who disagree with me, but there's no point in two people feeling terrible. And yes, of course it's hard and it sucks, but I'd rather build a little fence around it and then deal with it when I'm in a better frame of mind. Constant arguments about this stuff just wear both of you out and make you feel even more alienated.

Remember that it is not your fault. He is dealing with a lot of ugly words in his head like helpless, useless, less of a man. He is angry, not angry AT YOU.

However, if he is talking to you in an abusive/blaming way, you are absolutely allowed to say to him that he CANNOT talk to you that way. It's happened a few times to me, and I tell him "I will NOT be talked to that way", and no more, and leave the room. I go cook something, or go for a walk, or watch TV. He eventually calms down, and comes to me to apologize shortly after. If he is out of control, he needs a chance to de-fuse. Giving him a predictable outcome (walking off) when he's being mean results in less meanness. He needs a different outlet for his frustrations.

Make it clear that you love him and are there for him, exactly as he is, period. You cannot ever hope to understand, just to accept that certain limitations will always be there. He *will* come to you if this is a thing that is meant to be.

Your mere presence motivates him to continue on, hard as it is at the moment. I definitely have days when I wonder WTF and want to throw things, but I think about all we have that is good and it's all worth it.

I also will suggest a book I had prior to meeting him that has helped me get through a lot of stuff…it's aimed at women a bit older, but the advice in it is so simple and palatable that I turn to it again and again…and I usually hate self-help type stuff: Creating a Charmed Life, by Victoria Moran. Read the piece in it about 'building fences', that has helped me a lot. It's all in little 3-page chapters, so you can just turn to what applies to you.

Please feel free to email me anytime; I really do know exactly where you're coming from.

Marina

[Quad65]

However, if he is talking to you in an abusive/blaming way, you are absolutely allowed to say to him that he CANNOT talk to you that way. It's happened a few times to me, and I tell him "I will NOT be talked to that way", and no more, and leave the room. I go cook something, or go for a walk, or watch TV. He eventually calms down, and comes to me to apologize shortly after. If he is out of control, he needs a chance to de-fuse. Giving him a predictable outcome (walking off) when he's being mean results in less meanness. He needs a different outlet for his frustrations.



Excellent point. We teach people how to treat us. If we allow ourselves to be abused, the abuse continues. No one can walk all over you unless you lie down.

You have some good suggestions and observations.

[DarlingBuds]

Quad65, on May 19 2009, 07:36 PM, said:

Excellent point. We teach people how to treat us. If we allow ourselves to be abused, the abuse continues. No one can walk all over you unless you lie down.

You have some good suggestions and observations.

Thanks...that means a lot. We're all just trying to to the best we can.