19 replies to this topic

[MrBump]

Hi,
I've been a c7 complete now for 1 year in a coupla days. Married for 5 years with a 2yr old daughter. We've been home for 4 months.

Now here are the issues we are having with our relationship..........
I had a pretty tough road getting to hospital after breaking my neck, too long of a story to tell, where my family had to fly OS to be with me through the op and the acute stage for a month before flying home and a further 3 months in hospital then 4 months in rehab. My wife was by my side for the whole time and was totally AMAZING considering she was juggling me, a toddler and a business. Now having her beside me knowing that she wanted to be there with me gave me the extra fight i needed to breeze thru rehab without comps etc. Basically she gave me the confidence to keep fighting as it felt like i still had a great life to lead with my family.

Since we've been home it just seems that we're losing our connection as reality sets in i guess as each day goes on. I understand that there needs to be an adjusting period but maybe someone can help me out with an indication of how long it took them if anyone has been thru same situation ? I love my wife enormously, just bursting, but it upsets me that much that we may not have a future together that it sends me in a super sad, not depressed i don't think, position which in turn affects the relationship as well as i don't feel like doing anything.

I've just lost all my confidence and self esteem as it feels like she is deciding wether to stay or go and i'm kinda just sitting in limboland waiting for that spark again with the full support and dunno when or if its going to come but in the meantime the negative thoughts are bashing up the positive ones. Its like what i said to my psych, " i'm on one side of the creek wanting to roll on with life while she is on the other side looking back not knowing wether to cross or not". I mean if we part i lose my beautiful daughter as well, and my whole life just crashes.

Another thing is the sex thing, everywhere i read on here its usually the sci that has the issue rather than the partner. In my case its reversed. I want to so badly, just to see her there and feel close, loved and together but she has no interest in touching me like that and has admitted that i'm not attractive to her in that way which really really affects my self esteem and confiddence as well. Everytime we talk about it we end up fighting because i'm putting "too much pressure on". It just sux as i am still so attracted to her and see her naked all the time yet i can't love her like that the way i want, and if i keep pushing i don't know wether she'll just do it and it'll end up like a chore for her which is pointless as i want her to want it as well..............................VERY FRUSTRATING.

Just hoping there may be a few comments that could help my thoughts and save our relationship. We are talking to a councellor and she says we're doing great considering what we've been thru and still going thru, have a great support network thru fam and friends but as much as they try they just can't understand.

I JUST WANT TO KEEP MY FAMILY.

[CollegeGirl]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I know that must be very tough, and I could never understand what you're going through.

You said it's only been 4 months since you've been home. Maybe she just needs a little more adjusting time. I know it's really hard to be the one to wait on someone, but she may be still trying to cope with things. If she feels like yall are doing great then I would think that she is still trying and is still wanting to be with you. The fact that she is going to see someone with you says that she wants things to work and still loves you. It's hard to wait for time to heal things, but sometimes that is just the best treatment.

I would say the same thing with your sex life. She's use to you being the a totally differnent person in bed and it will just take a little bit of time to get use to. Usually if a guy keeps asking me for sex when I'm not in the mood then I get frustrated and it makes me not want it for longer. I don't know all the details, but maybe she is feeling a bit pressured. Try to think of things you did at the beginning of yalls relationship that made her really happy. If you do a repeat of the gift, dinner, date, whatever then she'll be reminded of that wonderful feeling, which is always nice.

I've never been married and my boyfriend had his SCI when we got together, so I'm probably not the best person to give advice, but hopefully this helps anyway. Let us know how things go and good luck!

[nomis]

It sounds like you're doing the right thing already by involving a counsellor. I can understand your emotional turmoil (I've been there, too) but there is nothing beyond you and your wife who can sort this out.

Aside from your relationship, you've got a fulltime job in advancing your rehabilitation towards greater independence. I hope you are still managing to do that cos it can only help. Otherwise, I'd strongly suggest you constantly remind yourself to respect your wife for whatever decisions she makes. You are two different people each responsible for their own life.

I feel for you but I'm no use. Ecstasy and pain are the things of love.

[kdenon01]

I really think your wife may just need more time to adjust. Think of everything she has gone through already...that was the hard part. Now she just needs to figure out her new life with you.

After my hubby got home from the hospital... EVERYTHING was different. It was hard to get use to. I think it took me about a year of being home from the hospital before I felt 100 percent about everything again.

But I agree with CollegeGirl to really really try to make things as "normal" as possible...meaning do the old stuff you used to do. Take her out on date nights... spark up that romance that you guys had before your accident. Probably since your accident...romance has been the last thing on your minds. But it helps me feel so connected to my husband when I was able to do more normal things with him again.

As far as the sex goes...Have you guys tried it since? Maybe she is just nervous about how it will be. I was! I was so scared that I would not feel the same about my husband. But after getting the first couple times out of the way...we were able to relax and feel comfortable with his new body. After a romantic night out, I don't see how she could feel less attracted to you than she was before your injury. You are still the same person, and maybe it will just take her some time to figure that out!

Good luck with everything!

PS...maybe recommend this site to her...? It is nice to meet/talk with other people who know how you feel.

[JustJayde]

I don't really have any amazing words of wisdom but I wanted to say that I hope everything works out for you.

[DaveP]

As a C7, your hands may still be a little weak and clumsy, and you may not be as independent as you can be, but you can be totally independent. You need to work at this and get the muscles in your hands that do work OK to get stronger and learn new techniques to open bottles of beer, etc!

Don't rely on your wife to make things easier for you. This part of your life is like the last part of Army Basic Training - the harder you push yourself, the better you'll be - and sooner.

Make sure you dress yourself on your own, transfer on & off the bed, toilet, shower seat, etc on your own. You may not be able to do all this with confidence yet, but practice makes perfect. Keep pushing yourself to get stronger and the techniques will come.

Don't take short cuts - that makes you weaker. Use a normal manual toothbrush, a normal manual razor, normal knife & fork, etc, etc. OK, it'll all seem a bit difficult, clumsy and may not look too clever, but you'll get better at it as your hands adjust.

If you drop something on the floor, pick it up yourself - don't automatically expect some one else to do it. Don't let these bad habits become routines.

Push yourself - don't be lazy and get other's to push you. You'll get better at it and stronger and faster etc only by practice practice practice.

Drive your own car and learn to get your chair in and out on your own. Then you're really free!

As you get more and more independent, that'll be less dependent on your wife, and she'll like that.

When it comes to sex, it's time for some changes. It's not all about shagging now, but that's easy - just pop a Cialis. It's now more about pleasing her in other ways. Show her you love her with your tongue and re-discover her and what makes her come. But just relax and take it easy, have a big of a laugh and you guys will find new ways to make love again. It's all different from before, but it'll be just as intense. See how many times you can make her come - that's a sure pleaser!!!

[MrBump]

cheers for the replies. They all make perfect sense and its pretty much the way i think. I guess i just needed the reassurance that we're kinda just normal and these things just take time.

I'm as independant as i can be atm, and have a carer for the stuff i need help with like bowel care. Wifey doesn't really do a lot in my care but does a lot now like cooking/cleaning, packing up stuff etc, more manual stuff........
I try to do as much as i can but without any fingers it makes it real hard, thats why i might get some tendon transfers but scared of the downtime.
But yes, i work, drive, transfer, push around myself, i'm not a person who likes relying on other peop.le.

I guess i just gotta be patient on the sex thingo, we have tried it and i enjoyed it but could tell she was very anxious and couldn't relax, hopefully one day we can experiment and have some fun at the same time.

[joye]

Everyone else that posted said everything perfectly . . . the only thing I'd add to it is this (being a wife of quad just past 1 year injured):

As you had to go through (and I image still are) a type of grievance process with regard to the loss of function in your body . . . your wife must also grieve as well. She was with you before your injury, so she needs to get through those stages of grief. She may not be there yet. I'm not sure I'm there yet with my husband . . . but I somehow recognize it (maybe due to our counselor providing me with the knowledge early on). It's very very difficult to "let go" of the AB husband we used to have. It's not that we find our "new" husband's unattractive (I certainly don't), it's just that we miss the "old" one. I think that's ok though . . . it's normal, and it gets easier every day to let go of the old and find great things in the new that we didn't even know existed before. I had no idea how much Andrew loved and respected me when he was AB. He showed me the best he could then, but now he TELLS me things he'd never thought to tell me before because (basically) his voice is pretty much all he has (he has no arm function). My advice would be to use your words to bring intimacy back into your relationship. You would be very suprised at how sexy words can be . . . especially coming from a man who wasn't a big talker before, like in my case. I don't mean "honey let's talk about why you don't want to have sex with me" talk . . . I mean "baby your legs look great in that dress today" kind of talk.

As far as trying to bring romance back in . . . I would advise you to bring it back slowly (from my own experience). Sometimes candle lit dinners and sexy date nights can spell one thing for a wife . . . PRESSURE. I wouldn't try to go overboard with that. Some of the most romantic things that have happened with me and Andrew have not even been planned . . . things like him just (for some reason) deciding to sing a song to me while I was putting him to bed one night. Neither of us knows what made him do this (very out of character), but it was such a cool thing. If I were you, I wouldn't wrack my brain trying to think of romantic stuff to do. . . just take a moment to tell her something special or give her an unexpected kiss. Simple stuff that will just slowly show her that "yes" life is different, but maybe the change could actually make our relationship better.

I cannot imagine how the injury and now the uncertainty of your marriage can weigh on your self esteem, but I will tell you that your confidence and self esteem issues can affect how she is feeling about you with regard to being intimate. One of the very reasons I fell in love with my husband as an AB man was his high level of confidence and presence. I don't think Andrew has gone through self esteem issues so much as he now has a high level of fear for his life and health/safety issues. I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to somehow regain your confidence in yourself. And, try to come to a clear understanding that how attractive you are to your wife should not have any bearing on your self esteem. Your self esteem comes from within . . . and let me tell you (from a woman's point of view), confidence is sexy. The very things that made you confident as an AB person should be the very things that make you confident now. One of the most attractive things about Andrew has always been his wit. He's one of the funniest people I know and he's still got it and it still turns me on.

Now . . . the sex thing. I'm kind of in the same place as your wife with regard to the actual act of sex. It is not that I'm finding Andrew unattractive (not in the slightest). We have tried it a couple of times and although everything seemed to work, it so far isn't something that either one of us has come to love (yet). I will tell you that I would probably like it better if he had his arms and could actually touch me during, but as of yet . . . he can't. But that aside . . . I can tell you the two biggest challenges that I personally have with the sex thing. 1) I am tired. Simple as it sounds . . . I'm tired all the time, and sex wasn't something I wanted from him as an AB man if I was tired . . . so I think it's understandable now. I realize you have more function than Andrew and you may have more outside care than we do to take some of that work off your wife's shoulders . . . but, I would be willing to bet at barely 1 year post injury, that you wife is not yet getting good sleep. And 2) I have a huge fear that I'm going to hurt him (somehow) during sex. Either by him having AD or breaking something . . . it really scares me and makes it hard for me to relax. I can only say, that I believe in time, I will overcome this fear. One thing we do (instead of sex), that keeps us close and intimate, is just a lot of kissing and I lay my face right next to his (cheek to cheek). It's the only part of his body that he can feel and so that is where I want to be. You indicated that you love looking at her undressed. Have you told her that? Maybe her self esteem is also suffering . . . mine did a little in the past year mostly because I'm tired a lot of the time and not as interested in making myself look pretty. Try and ask her to undress in front of you . . . watch and enjoy and then let it be at that. Don't ask her for sex, just stop at that and go on about your business. SHOW her that you are still attracted and interested sexually, but don't TALK about it so much . . . because you're absolutely right in what you said . . . talking ends in fighting and feels like too much pressure to her.

I hope some of this helps. Has your wife actually told you she is considering leaving or is that just the "feeling" you are getting? You could be making yourself crazy thinking that she is deciding whether or not to stay, when in fact the "disconnect" could be something much different like . . . fear, or tiredness, or depression (clinically), or just one of those grief stages. Counseling would help with figuring this out.

Good Luck,
Joye

[MrBump]

holy shit joye !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

are you sure your not my wife under a diff name ????????????????? your outlook seems freakishly similar to my wife, altho....
the sex thing is a hard one but we also have no intimacy other than a quick peck to say seeya or goodnight, which really really upsets me. I try but its just a nogo.

But thanks for your reply as its made me feel better after a council session where some truth's have been brutally outed...

[gordonr]

joye, on May 18 2009, 04:59 AM, said:

Everyone else that posted said everything perfectly . . . the only thing I'd add to it is this (being a wife of quad just past 1 year injured):

As you had to go through (and I image still are) a type of grievance process with regard to the loss of function in your body . . . your wife must also grieve as well. She was with you before your injury, so she needs to get through those stages of grief. She may not be there yet. I'm not sure I'm there yet with my husband . . . but I somehow recognize it (maybe due to our counselor providing me with the knowledge early on). It's very very difficult to "let go" of the AB husband we used to have. It's not that we find our "new" husband's unattractive (I certainly don't), it's just that we miss the "old" one. I think that's ok though . . . it's normal, and it gets easier every day to let go of the old and find great things in the new that we didn't even know existed before. I had no idea how much Andrew loved and respected me when he was AB. He showed me the best he could then, but now he TELLS me things he'd never thought to tell me before because (basically) his voice is pretty much all he has (he has no arm function). My advice would be to use your words to bring intimacy back into your relationship. You would be very suprised at how sexy words can be . . . especially coming from a man who wasn't a big talker before, like in my case. I don't mean "honey let's talk about why you don't want to have sex with me" talk . . . I mean "baby your legs look great in that dress today" kind of talk.

As far as trying to bring romance back in . . . I would advise you to bring it back slowly (from my own experience). Sometimes candle lit dinners and sexy date nights can spell one thing for a wife . . . PRESSURE. I wouldn't try to go overboard with that. Some of the most romantic things that have happened with me and Andrew have not even been planned . . . things like him just (for some reason) deciding to sing a song to me while I was putting him to bed one night. Neither of us knows what made him do this (very out of character), but it was such a cool thing. If I were you, I wouldn't wrack my brain trying to think of romantic stuff to do. . . just take a moment to tell her something special or give her an unexpected kiss. Simple stuff that will just slowly show her that "yes" life is different, but maybe the change could actually make our relationship better.

I cannot imagine how the injury and now the uncertainty of your marriage can weigh on your self esteem, but I will tell you that your confidence and self esteem issues can affect how she is feeling about you with regard to being intimate. One of the very reasons I fell in love with my husband as an AB man was his high level of confidence and presence. I don't think Andrew has gone through self esteem issues so much as he now has a high level of fear for his life and health/safety issues. I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to somehow regain your confidence in yourself. And, try to come to a clear understanding that how attractive you are to your wife should not have any bearing on your self esteem. Your self esteem comes from within . . . and let me tell you (from a woman's point of view), confidence is sexy. The very things that made you confident as an AB person should be the very things that make you confident now. One of the most attractive things about Andrew has always been his wit. He's one of the funniest people I know and he's still got it and it still turns me on.

Now . . . the sex thing. I'm kind of in the same place as your wife with regard to the actual act of sex. It is not that I'm finding Andrew unattractive (not in the slightest). We have tried it a couple of times and although everything seemed to work, it so far isn't something that either one of us has come to love (yet). I will tell you that I would probably like it better if he had his arms and could actually touch me during, but as of yet . . . he can't. But that aside . . . I can tell you the two biggest challenges that I personally have with the sex thing. 1) I am tired. Simple as it sounds . . . I'm tired all the time, and sex wasn't something I wanted from him as an AB man if I was tired . . . so I think it's understandable now. I realize you have more function than Andrew and you may have more outside care than we do to take some of that work off your wife's shoulders . . . but, I would be willing to bet at barely 1 year post injury, that you wife is not yet getting good sleep. And 2) I have a huge fear that I'm going to hurt him (somehow) during sex. Either by him having AD or breaking something . . . it really scares me and makes it hard for me to relax. I can only say, that I believe in time, I will overcome this fear. One thing we do (instead of sex), that keeps us close and intimate, is just a lot of kissing and I lay my face right next to his (cheek to cheek). It's the only part of his body that he can feel and so that is where I want to be. You indicated that you love looking at her undressed. Have you told her that? Maybe her self esteem is also suffering . . . mine did a little in the past year mostly because I'm tired a lot of the time and not as interested in making myself look pretty. Try and ask her to undress in front of you . . . watch and enjoy and then let it be at that. Don't ask her for sex, just stop at that and go on about your business. SHOW her that you are still attracted and interested sexually, but don't TALK about it so much . . . because you're absolutely right in what you said . . . talking ends in fighting and feels like too much pressure to her.

I hope some of this helps. Has your wife actually told you she is considering leaving or is that just the "feeling" you are getting? You could be making yourself crazy thinking that she is deciding whether or not to stay, when in fact the "disconnect" could be something much different like . . . fear, or tiredness, or depression (clinically), or just one of those grief stages. Counseling would help with figuring this out.

Good Luck,
Joye

Dear Joye,

That was an inspiring post. My favorite part is where you tell about getting "cheek to cheek". For a person with sensation limits, this kind of thing can be pure heaven. Really. Heaven.

Also, that bit about watching people get undressed. There is a french painter from the nineteenth century named Degas, who you might want to google. Degas was a specialist of the female presence in everyday life. Other painters had their models impersonating Victory or Liberty. Degas had his putting on their shoes, taking off their stockings, taking a bath, bending over to rinse their hair, etc. etc. Obviously there are lots of sexual references in his paintings, but there is no overt eroticism. The whole thing is extremely powerful, particularly I suppose for Mr. Degas himself who was absolutely obsessed with female beauty in the ordinary sphere. Now imagine how accute his visual apreciation would have been had he been a quad. It would be a whole new level. And you have quite rightly begun to play into this place in your husband's psyche.

Everything you say in your post is beautiful and just dripping with love. If I might permit a few intimate comments to a woman I have never met, I would just suggest that you ramp up these two chanels you have found to his consciousness: his own sensitive zones and the sense of sight.

The simple principle is, what yo can do, do. This will not make the pain of the other missing things go away, but it will definitely fill the place of the void with actual experience.

With regards to the visual thing, without trying to play a part (and this is the beauty of Degas natural approach), you can show him more and more often, by simple tricks like wearing comfortable clothes in the house, perhaps without any underwear. If when you, perfectly naturally, stand up out of your chair, your mate were to accidentally get a little glimpse of your pussy, well, the reaction he is sure to feel, will remind him that he is a man, and that you are a woman, and that he is a man living in an intimate bubble with a desirable woman, and so on, and so on (not to mention that you will also be pleased to feel that he is looking at you..) In any case, all of this is easily available to both of you.

And as for sensation, the cheek to cheek thing is really special because we are close to the brain, the thought, the feelings of the other person. I often deliberately get head to head with my children. We all do it all the time when we have babies. Its just a really special together experience.

In this case, ramping up would be to extend the limits. His limits are fixed. Yours are not. You can touch his cheek with your hand, with your cheek, and as this is the only part of his body he can feel, you should consider touching him with all of the other parts of your body that he would be touching by himself if he were AB. And I don't mean only the most erotic parts. I mean every part of you. But unfortunately, it has to come from you. HIs mobility is such that he can not just reach out to pat you. But be assured, he would if he could. And you just have to go on the faith that he would, and take that pat. A gentle pat from his cheek. Wherever you want it. Whenever you want it.

And then, you see, you have a bridge between the visual and the touch. What he sees, he also, at some point, will touch. Memories and sensual references are created which just make both of you feel good, and which you will find yourself remembering, in a smile or a knowing look, when you see that he sees that you see that he sees that you know that he knows that you know that he remembers, and so on.

The male tends to be too focused sexually. He wants to get in and get out. He wants to take the meal straight to desert. And a woman has to be a bit understanding towards this intense instinctive male bias. However, all men, and especially men like us, who have so much functional deficit, must learn to slow down and allow themselves and their mates to enjoy the other dishes. When the male understands that he is not going to come, then rationally, he should be able to cultivate the feelings leading up to climax, and the others leading out. He can most usefully work on heightenning the desire phase, and the satisfaction phase, both of which should be very loving and intimate. Both when you are actually "fooling around" and in normal experience through natural reminders and references à la Degas.

You find the actual act to be unsatisfactory. That is normal. This is the weakest link in the sensual/erotic chain. So my suggestion is to start by cultivating the strongest and most satisfying links.

Of course the whole thing is love. And generosity. You have all of these powerful physical female attributes. Soft skin. Warmth. Spongy bulges. Inimtate moistness. Subtle odors. Use them. Be generous with them. You will develope a depth of sensuality and shared eroticism and an intimate affection which no "normal sexual contact" with any "normal man" can rival. Of course there is nothing to stop normal men and women from learning these things as well, but it seems that very few ever do.

There are very few Degas among able bodied men. But there are plenty of them among the paralysed. And these men truly have the potential to give a woman the sense of being really apreciated for her feminity. So be generous with your feminity. Give a lot and take a lot.

Best Regards to you,

Gordon

[Jenn F]

Gordon,

You post touched me. I personally have been a fan of Degas and especially his "After the Bath" painting since High School. I always admired that he was able to capture women in their simplest and graceful forms.

I think you should go teach all men and women these lessons on sensuality and the species would be better off. Thank you for sharing.

[gordonr]

Jenn F, on May 18 2009, 07:39 PM, said:

Gordon,

You post touched me. I personally have been a fan of Degas and especially his "After the Bath" painting since High School. I always admired that he was able to capture women in their simplest and graceful forms.

I think you should go teach all men and women these lessons on sensuality and the species would be better off. Thank you for sharing.

Jenn,

Thank you for your kind words.

Satisfactions come in all shapes and sizes. And sharing thoughts with interesting people on forums such as this is not the least of them.

Best Regards,

Gordon

[CollegeGirl]

Gordon, I love this post from you! My boyfriend is a C5 complete, and I'm constantly trying to learn new ways to please him since the usual sexual pleasure is out of the picture. I hate that he does so much for me sexually and I can do nothing for him. It was so nice to be able to read a long, intimate post about the things that can please men on your side of things. I'm his first girlfriend post injury (even though it was 8 years ago), so he also isn't sure about any of the romantic things. I can't wait until I get back to him so that we can explore some of your helpful advice together. Thank you so much for sharing!

[gordonr]

CollegeGirl, on May 19 2009, 02:40 PM, said:

Gordon, I love this post from you! My boyfriend is a C5 complete, and I'm constantly trying to learn new ways to please him since the usual sexual pleasure is out of the picture. I hate that he does so much for me sexually and I can do nothing for him. It was so nice to be able to read a long, intimate post about the things that can please men on your side of things. I'm his first girlfriend post injury (even though it was 8 years ago), so he also isn't sure about any of the romantic things. I can't wait until I get back to him so that we can explore some of your helpful advice together. Thank you so much for sharing!

CollegeLady,

I notice from a recent post of yours that you are 22 and Bf 31. That strikes a deep nostalgic chord for me, because that is pretty much how my wife and I were 25 years ago. Those were good days, and we covered a lot of ground in the areas that are being discussed here now.

If I may, I would draw your attention to some of the things that I said to Barbie about wheelchair positionning. The fact is that wheelchairs are really clumsy and create an awkward space between people. One of my pet peeves, which I adressed in the conversation with Barbie has to do with ordinary face to face seating in restaurants, or even at home. If you watch able-bodied people at the table, you will notice two things. First, they generally get much closer to the table, because they don`t have footrests and because most tables are not even high enough to get wheelchair knees under. However, even if your guy gets up to the table properly, there is still a second problem which stems from his lack of balance and that is that he must absolutely lean back against the chair. Albe-bodied people, on the other hand, have the option of leaning in towards the table, and thus getting closer to their companion, in order to catch what is being said, or to speak themselves in a lower voice. Face to face at the table, places the wheelchair sitter at an unnatural distance. It is much better with the wheelchair on one end or side of the table with the companion right at the elbow, or even side by side on the long side. Both of these will get you closer, and getting closer is the name of the game.

In the same vein, make a point of speaking to him from a seated position when possible. This is not a firm rule. It is very agreeable to have a desirable woman standing next to one as the hand comes naturally at the level of her bum, and the face at her breast. This is really nice. However, it should not be the constant and only position, as it can become smothering and dominating. To vary the spatial relation, it is also nice for you to use an ordinary chair, right up close to him, which puts him a little higher than you and makes for a natural way for you to look up to him. Remember the old films and pictures of women kneeling at their husbands' feet for the pipe-and-slippers routine? That is the ticket. Only actually kneeling on the floor is too low for the high seat of a wheelchair, so you will be better on a chair or low stool.

If his balance is good enough, and even if not, as you are right beside him, try taking the arm off his chair, because that is really a nasty bit of hardware, right in the way. If the arm of the chair is in place, you can still lay your head on it and lay his hand on you. But if the arm is off, you can lay yor head right on his lap, which is even better.

I don`t know what his hand functions are. Feeling is good, but even without feeling, seeing his hands on you in that classic position of male protectiveness will definitely make him feel good.

I hope some of this works for you.

Best of luck to you both,

Gordon

[MrBump]

I'm back..........

Had a shitty few days lately due to me being a bit crook and prob being a bit too hard on myself cause i couldn't do as many things.
I just hate feeling like i'm goin backwards as my goal is to be fully independant.

But during this time i've been having feelings of cutting the relationship for the greater good. I love them so so much and don't know what i'd do without them, but are they gonna be truly happy with me, will they end up resenting me ????????
Is it better to have them partially in my life forever, or, fully now and later never ?

If my wife can't find me attractive physically anymore, can the relationship still work in the long run ?

[SUNGBYRD]

I think it is good if you have a caregiver, so that you and your wife can have the freedom just to be in a normal relationship and not a clinical one. Maybe if she is not your main caregiver, she will look at things differently.

Edited by SUNGBYRD, 19 June 2009 - 08:51 PM.

[MrBump]

shes not my caregiver.

[airart1]

all i can say is good luck, mine run like a chicken with its head cut off........................oh how she loved me and my son before..................

[qbounce]

MrBump, on Jun 15 2009, 07:00 PM, said:

I'm back..........

Had a shitty few days lately due to me being a bit crook and prob being a bit too hard on myself cause i couldn't do as many things.
I just hate feeling like i'm goin backwards as my goal is to be fully independant.

But during this time i've been having feelings of cutting the relationship for the greater good. I love them so so much and don't know what i'd do without them, but are they gonna be truly happy with me, will they end up resenting me ????????
Is it better to have them partially in my life forever, or, fully now and later never ?

If my wife can't find me attractive physically anymore, can the relationship still work in the long run ?

Unfortunately Mr. Bump, these questions are probably going to only be answered ultimately by you and you alone. But if I may interject a thought or two:

You mention your injury being recent enough, right? Remember what you couldn't do 6 months ago to this very date vs. now. How about a year ago? I'm sure you've come a long way since that first year, right? Give yourself a little more slack, and credit for all the things you're still able to accomplish!

Are you and your wife going to counselling? If you have any thoughts about saving your marriage, that's the next step. If you only see yourself as a burden to the family and not a contributor, then maybe it's just you that needs to man up and take some more responsibility for the way the tide is flowing in your house.

Be more positive in situations. Try not asking for help as much on certain things, ESPECIALLY if you KNOW you can do it yourself. Try to push your limits and do other things you haven't attempted before.

Make a list of goals to acheive, including short term easy goals, and long term ones. Maybe ask your wife to help in some of the things you may need extra support on the list, so she can see you want to be more independant.

As for the attraction part of it, if you're more confident in yourself, you just might look more attractive in her eyes also.

The first 2 years after my SCI were the most difficult, and you aren't out of thr woods yet! Hang in there and don't write your family off yet!!

Edited by qbounce, 22 June 2009 - 06:24 PM.

[airart1]

qbounce is right, you are still in the infancy stage, only 4 months home, man there are alot of adjustments to get used to, you have a child to consider, plus being a quad is a whole world that is different from para's, which i am, but have alot of friends that are quads, and they do everything from skeet shoot to skiing..........one won the gold in barcelona that i get my supplies from, he owns a supply outlet for the dissabled.......so there are some great opportunities that you have not even began to explore......only 4 months home, you've yet to get it even all figured out, little lone began to realize what and where how everything in life is going to unfold, just stay positive and heads up.......i ran 3 retail stores for 12 years in a chair, plus free education if u take the gov up on it.....built me a harley, bart "quad" and "donnie" also quad, play quad rugby and both have 4 wheel crawlers that they compete all over the eastern states.......so chin up and enjoy the sunshine, because no matter what your condition, everyday of life is better than the alternative, no matter what u think..........and it gets way easier than what your going thru right now........