74 replies to this topic

[Emily74]

I know I'm probably going to get some harsh words and judgement for this. I just told my husband I want a divorce. We have been together almost 9 years. the first 3 years were great. Then we got married when I was 7 months pregnant with a child we conceived together by sperm donor. After the baby was born, my husband just lost all interest in intimacy and affection. He throroughly fell in love with our new son, and poured all of his affection into that child. I sat by and waited and hoped that maybe when the 'honeymoon' period with the new baby wore off, it would get better. The baby turned a year. I started wearing sexy things to bed, and was really trying to come on to him. I'm 5'4, 103 lbs and very fit. I couldn't get his attention. I then told him if he would at least just rub my back once in a while and show some affection. i pointed out how lovingly he touches our youngest son and that I know he is an affectionate man, and needs to give some of that to his wife. I go to sit on his lap and try to initiate affection, and he folds his arms in front of his chest. I have to tell him to put his arms around me, and even then, there's no caressing affection at all. 5 years I have hoped it would get better. I warned him many times. I was on the verge of wanting a divorce. Then the last winter, his health started to deteriate. We have a GREAT friendship, but honestly, it feels like I am married to my brother. I'm sorry, I dont want to be married to someone who feel slike my brother. A part of our relationship died. The friendship I hope never dies. I told him I will do everything possible to make sure he has equal custody of our two sons. (he adopted my oldest who is from previous relationship) I told him I want us to get apts in the same building. During the school week, the kids could stay with him, that way each morning, I can take care of both him and the kids at the same time. My husband said I would be re-married in no time and forget about him. I told him I'd be damned if my kids don't get equal time with their Dad, and whatever I have to do, I'll do it to make it work. As a little girl I was extremely close to my Dad, and he died when I was 9, so there's no way I'll allow my kids to lose their Dad. My husband is very upset. He says he wants to give me everything, including full custody of the kids, and he sobbed about losing the kids. I wont let him lose the kids!!! They would miss him! I dont know what else to say... I kept putting this off. Cant ex'es maintain a wonderful friendship? Cant they still make sure the other is cared for?

I have never told anybody about these problems we had been having. It had all been a big secret and I kept hoping it would get better.

[E-DOG]

Whoa.
Let's get some of that weight off yer shoulders there babe.
Up and off and just set it down right over there. OK. No, little to the left. That's it.
Bet yer feelin' 100 pounds lighter right about now.

Reckon you can now quit identifying yourself as "Tony's" wife, and go back to being who ever it is YOU are.
Guess I'll just call ya Jane Doe till you come up with a name for yourself.

When they say a SCI is a catastrophic injury they ain't bullshittin' are they? Amazing how many aspects of so many lives it effects.

Keep coming back,

E-dog

[Emily74]

Thanks E-Dog.

Feelin sad I hurt Tony so bad. He was born with his SCI by the way. My name is Emily.

[Texaswheelz]

You gotta do what you gotta do, if you ain't gettin any loving and ain't feelin like a wife there isn't a point in being one, there will be some one that will make you feel like one. Him being in a wheelchair doesn't effect the way a husband and wife should feel about one another.


"I can take care of both him and the kids at the same time."

I think trying to live close to one another and you taking care of him is a bad idea though(same city, ok, next door? probably not. With his level of injury what exactly does he need you to do for him?

Edited by Texaswheelz, 02 June 2009 - 03:48 AM.

[Emily74]

It's the mornings when he needs help. He is actually a lower level paraplegic, and can even move his legs around, but doesnt have enough feeling in them to stand without alot of asistance. The big problem is the bad days when he has muscle spasming up and down his spine. A bad morning goes like this--> wake up nauseaus due to pain. He needs to take his Vicodin, but must eat first, I bring him a slice of toast, he lays in bed for about 20 minutes, takes his pill(s), waits another 10 minutes or so, then gets up. Takes his hot shower, all the while in quite a bit of pain. Shower helps a little with the pain. Gets out of the shower, and this is when he usually throws up. He gets dressed, and then I hook up his TENS unit to his lower back, and me and the kids bring him whatever he needs. When taking the shower, I take out the bathroom garbage, put his clothes in the laundry basket, and disinfect the floor for him, and put a towel in his reach. So, he's not terribly dependant, but I'm still concerned how he'll be on his own on a bad day.

My husband knows it is very important to me that he have joint custody of the kids. He's trying to tell me it will be impossble for him to have any custody at all unless I stay with him. Our oldest is 12 though, and has gotten good at knowing how to take care of his Dad. He holds doors open, puts my husbands chair in and out of the van (no ramp), pushes my husband when needed, gets things for him etc.

[Emily74]

OK, now I see he is being manipulative. He says I am a horrible person for wanting to make the kids bounce from home to home, and that he would rather just go away than make them do that. My kids have an intense deep bond with their Dad. There's no way joint custody would be crueler than making them 'bounce' back and forth. The cruelest thing would be if he walked away from his kids. Yet he is trying to blame that on me.

The kids will be FINE! Especially if we can work this parenting time arrangement on our own. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure my kids get equal time with their Dad.

I'm just leaving him alone for now. I know this is quite a blow to him, and is probably just not thinking clearly. He needs some time to digest. But I did make it clear, there was no way in hell he was losing his kids, and that I would like to keep the friendship we have, which is what we have had for the last 5 years.

[Spinner]

I am in the final stages of a divorce as I type this. Before we met with lawyers my ex and I went to a mediation center and hammered out a parenting plan. My boys are incredibly close to their father so of course in the beginning I had the same feelings as you about wanting to be sure they remained close. I also didn't want them to feel as though I was not taking their dad away from them. As it turned out we have a plan that works quite well for both of us and for the boys as well. We have joint legal custody while I have primary physical custody and he has lots and lots of visitation. From the start I have talked to the boys, asked their opinions, and kept a pretty close eye on where they are emotionally and behaviorally. Though the divorce has obviously impacted them - and I know that won't be going away anytime soon - they seem to be bucking up. I am taking them to see a therapist so they have a safe place to share their concerns, I never say anything negative about their father, and I encourage them to talk about him and enjoy their time with them.

I'm sure this was a very difficult decision for you and of course it is a hard pill for him to swallow. But you have to do what is right for you because that is what is best for those kids. You deserve to be loved and if he isn't willing to work on the relationship then you really have no other choice. If however, he is willing to work on things you could give it a try. Couples counseling can do wonders for helping you remember why you fell in love in the first place, finding what is still their and building on it.

You'll both be in my thoughts and prayers, along with your boys.

[Emily74]

BTW, We havent even told the kids yet. I dont know when is the right time. Right now, I have no solid answers to give my kids. I think they will want to know what will happen next, and honestly, I dont know. We have so much to figure out.

I stuck it out for 5 years, and I stayed 100% faithful, even though I yearned for intimacy/affection.

[Texas Angel Ang]

Tonyswife, on Jun 2 2009, 06:06 AM, said:

It's the mornings when he needs help. He is actually a lower level paraplegic, and can even move his legs around, but doesnt have enough feeling in them to stand without alot of asistance. The big problem is the bad days when he has muscle spasming up and down his spine. A bad morning goes like this--> wake up nauseaus due to pain. He needs to take his Vicodin, but must eat first, I bring him a slice of toast, he lays in bed for about 20 minutes, takes his pill(s), waits another 10 minutes or so, then gets up. Takes his hot shower, all the while in quite a bit of pain. Shower helps a little with the pain. Gets out of the shower, and this is when he usually throws up. He gets dressed, and then I hook up his TENS unit to his lower back, and me and the kids bring him whatever he needs. When taking the shower, I take out the bathroom garbage, put his clothes in the laundry basket, and disinfect the floor for him, and put a towel in his reach. So, he's not terribly dependant, but I'm still concerned how he'll be on his own on a bad day.

My husband knows it is very important to me that he have joint custody of the kids. He's trying to tell me it will be impossble for him to have any custody at all unless I stay with him. Our oldest is 12 though, and has gotten good at knowing how to take care of his Dad. He holds doors open, puts my husbands chair in and out of the van (no ramp), pushes my husband when needed, gets things for him etc.

woah... disabled or not... you do a lot for him and you should not have to beg for a simple backrub! Do not feel guilty. Do not let him manipulate the situation and use the kids. Now if there is hope for the marriage, by all means go for it.

[ClaraTaylor]

Who are we to judge?

You've had to suppress your own feelings for the sake of others (his) for all these years to do the "right thing", managed to avoid all temptation and devote yourself 100% to your husband and your family because it has been expected of you.

Now it's time for you to seek out the love and attention you crave so much. Who would want to deny you that? We just want to see you happy.

Well done for making it so far, and for making that huge step into telling him you want the divorce. It takes guts to know when it is time to walk away.

Good luck with the future.

Who are we to judge?

You've had to suppress your own feelings for the sake of others (his) for all these years to do the "right thing", managed to avoid all temptation and devote yourself 100% to your husband and your family because it has been expected of you.

Now it's time for you to seek out the love and attention you crave so much. Who would want to deny you that? We just want to see you happy.

Well done for making it so far, and for making that huge step into telling him you want the divorce. It takes guts to know when it is time to walk away.

Good luck with the future.

[Emily74]

You know, I really am so much about everybody elses needs, and never my own. I knew I was going to go nuts continuing in the same situation. And I knew one of these days I'd have to follow through with my warning of divorce. Better sooner than later. I feel so incredibly guilty and selfish though.

[kdenon01]

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. Good luck with everything!!!

[qbounce]

Emily,
I remember some of your other posts early on and the way you tried to hang in there for your husband. Guilt is a hard emotion to get past, but in the end your going to have to worry about #1, YOU!! You can't live in the same building when divorced to help him in the mornings. I guarantee this is a recipe for disaster. What difference would it make then, whether you stayed divorced and live together vs. moving out, but only to another floor?

If you truly want to find happiness, you'll have to STOP being his carer, and worry about you. This isn't to say that you can no longer be friends. But, even that isn't totally necessary to be respectful cooperative parents. It's hard to remain friendly after a divorce is finalized. To many memories (good and bad) and to many hurt feelings often leaves one person more at odds and cold about the situation over the other.

[Quad65]

My wife and I have been married a bit over 30 years. We met when I was already an SCI for about 10 years, she never knew me before the accident. It has not always been a smooth ride by any stretch. We almost didn't make it through the first year. Later, we went through couples and then individual counseling. Then, about five years ago, we almost called it quits again, but made a breakthrough. Things have been much better since then. This may be a long way of saying that even with the best of efforts, sometimes it will work out and sometimes it won't. Fortunately, my wife and I have made it -- so far. The future is far from assured.

No one is going to fault you. The only thing worse than staying in a bad relationship is staying in it one more day than you should have. It's not like you were sleeping around and emotionally abusing him or anything. It just didn't work. I hope you both find what you need. Everyone deserves and needs their happiness.

[dom]

Hi Em, i know it's difficult decision to make but i feel you may be making the right one even though its probably hurting right now,i am in a similar relationship and have the same problems,i am sci but dtill crave intimacy but my wife has gone off sex/intimacy since her hysterectomy 4 years ago,i don't want to cheat but i might as well be a monk and join a monastery!
we do get on but when i try to initiate anything in the bedroom area she turns over and goes to sleep which for me is a complete turnoff,then maybe i a moody for a day or so and it is a vicious circle,it is getting me down and i am now just day dreaming of a hot g/friend i was with years ago [tho she was unfaithful] i suppose marriage is the most difiuclt and unatural thing in the world

[Travelling Blackbird]

Who are we to judge?

You describe a difficult situation, and you seem to have done what you could to try to fix things. It's time to focus on you for a while.

I'd never have wanted my partner to stay with me because they felt they had to due to my disability. I'd want someone to stay because we made each other feel good in all the ways we could.

Hugs. It's going to be a tough time ahead, and I wish you, Tony and the kids the strength to go through with it all and come out the other side as friends.

[Emily74]

E-DOG, on Jun 1 2009, 11:38 PM, said:

....
Reckon you can now quit identifying yourself as "Tony's" wife, and go back to being who ever it is YOU are.
Guess I'll just call ya Jane Doe till you come up with a name for yourself.

When they say a SCI is a catastrophic injury they ain't bullshittin' are they? Amazing how many aspects of so many lives it effects.

Keep coming back,

E-dog

Just wanted to say, I took your suggestion on the name change!

A little update: We broke the news to the kids today. Amazingly, they took it just fine! So far anyways. Friday we take the papers into the courthouse. We are doing this without a lawyer. Divorce will be final 6 months after that. Our house by the way, was already on the market. It had some nibbles, but no solid offers. Now I am REALLY eager to sell this house. There will be an open house June 14th. It would help so much to get an offer so we can get our own seperate apts.!

[E-DOG]

Tonyswife, on Jun 2 2009, 04:42 PM, said:

You know, I really am so much about everybody elses needs, and never my own.
I feel so incredibly guilty and selfish though.

I'm only gonna speak for myself here.

When I bend over backwards to help others, I GET MY FRIGGIN' FACE STEPPED ON.

Oh, and if yer going (excuse me, sending yourself) on a guilt trip, bring lots of clean underwear who knows how long you'll be gone.

E

[Travelling Blackbird]

E-DOG, on Jun 4 2009, 05:35 AM, said:

Tonyswife, on Jun 2 2009, 04:42 PM, said:

You know, I really am so much about everybody elses needs, and never my own.
I feel so incredibly guilty and selfish though.

I'm only gonna speak for myself here.

When I bend over backwards to help others, I GET MY FRIGGIN' FACE STEPPED ON.

Oh, and if yer going (excuse me, sending yourself) on a guilt trip, bring lots of clean underwear who knows how long you'll be gone.

E

You speak the truth, my friend!

My therapist has been trying to get me to see that I'm too apologetic, too unassertive, and that there is such a thing as being too helpful. And I'm really seeing his point.

[Emily74]

It's beginning to dawn on me that I have a real co-dependancy issue. Growing up, my mother was an alcoholic, then, I got into a 6 year relationship with an alcoholic and had my oldest son by him, I waited till he went to prison again and got the heck out of there. Terminated his parental rights. And thought I had gotten better, but now I realize, I just cont'd it with Tony really, even though he's not an alcoholic or anything.

Anyways, today we go through all the papers, figure out the budget, get everything figured out, and my goal is to have the papers done TODAY, so that tomorrow morning we can turn them into the ocurthouse and the divorce will officially be in progress.

Tony by the way, is very determined to keep it a secret from his family. I dont know what to make of that. How is he gonna pull that off? And I was really kinda hopin they could step in for me and help him out.

[Emily74]

We filled out a good chunk of the papers. Very tense. My husband was very pissy throughout it all. I guess he has a right to be upset, but the things he is saying, is just.... It's like he is so used to everything being about HIM, and doesnt want to give that up. I came into the marriage with 98k from my father's death, plus a little over 1k income per month. I gave it all up for my husband. Tony has 100% controlled all the money, leaving me in the dark. I always thought we were so poor. I am shocked how much money he gets! There was a time I used to support me, my son Tyler, two dogs and three cats on one fifth of that! My husband was very pouty about letting me know what our income is, and kept wanting to know why I wanted to know cause he thought we were going to work it out and all that. First of all, I have to fill in the blanks on the divorce papers. This means I have to include income info. Secondly, I said we would work it out on the *custody* thing. I did say I wouldnt let him get put out on the street or anything. But with all the frickin money he makes, why is he worried about that?

I then told him, I do want child support, and I checked the box for that, and he got real angry about that.

Oh, and he said he wants me to get rid of my dogs NOW. I said if it came down to it and I had to, I would, but right now I see no reason for that. He said he I should be getting rid of them now because I deserve punishment for what I am doing to the kids. WTF??????

Edited by Emily74, 04 June 2009 - 04:53 PM.

[qbounce]

Hate to say it, but when children are at stake in a divorce, get a lawyer. It's more important to figure out who gets what visitation rights and alamony. I mean, it doesn't sound like your off to a good "FRIENDLY" start.

[Emily74]

I'm not worried about the visitation rights part. I am willingly giving him joint physical and legal custody. I am however worried about the alimony part.

[edlee]

It may not be to any of our likings,, but if you are doing ANYTHING through a court,,,, GET A LAWYER.

You only get one shot at doing this right,, why take a chance? You may be willing to give him parental rights,, which is a good thing,, but you might be amazed at what you end up losing if things aren't spelled out just right.

And by the way,,, there is no such thing as a cheap divorce,,,

I wish you luck.
ed

[E-DOG]

Emily74, on Jun 4 2009, 09:52 AM, said:

My husband was very pouty about letting me know what our income is, and kept wanting to know why I wanted to know cause he thought we were going to work it out and all that.

I then told him, I do want child support, and I checked the box for that, and he got real angry about that.

Oh, and he said he wants me to get rid of my dogs NOW. I said if it came down to it and I had to, I would, but right now I see no reason for that. He said he I should be getting rid of them now because I deserve punishment for what I am doing to the kids. WTF??????

You mean the whole time ya'll were married you didn't know how much money he was bringing in each month? Ya gotta be kiddin' me Boo.

Angry about child support? Tell him yer angry about all the money he blew on hookers and cocaine. I'm guessing that's where all his money went.

That's friggin' hilarious! "Get rid of the dogs." Yup, let's make the kids even happier about this whole thing.

Tell him ya got a joke for him:
Tony is at the front door yelling to get in the house. The dogs are at the back door barking to get let in too. Who do you let in first?
The dogs of course. They'll shut up once you let them in.

e

[Emily74]

Love the joke E-DOG!

And no, I'm not kidding that I never knew how much he made. It really annoyed him if I tried to find out anything about our finances so I just backed off and figured as long as we have a roof, basic clothes and food. Just to buy a simple magazine at the grocery store, I had to ask permission.

BTW, I did a child support calculator thing online today, and I was very stunned to found out Tony would likely have to pay over 1k/month in child support! I was only expecting 2-3 hundred per month. And to think Tony wanted us to have just a casual arrangement where he gives me a few bucks here and there as he can spare it. While I wasn't expecting over 1k, I know with the way how he has been about money, I definately want child support/alimony included in the divorce proceedings!

[Quad65]

Girl, I can't urge you strongly enough to get a lawyer or you will wind up getting screwed, and not in a good way. You have been taken advantage of by your husband since Day One. You have to look out for your own and your children's interests and protect yourself. Sounds like you have not been treated fairly in your marriage on many levels; emotionally, sexually, and financially. Ask permission to buy a magazine? Seriously? Is that love and looking out for your best interests? Is that respect?

Sorry if I come off a bit harsh, but it sounds like you were nothing more than a live in maid, sometime bed partner, and PCA. I'm a man and I don't have much tolerance for guys who treat their wives or GFs like that. I think it's contemptible.

[araitn]

Just want to repeat the best advice you've received so far............ get a lawyer!

[E-DOG]

Emily74, on Jun 4 2009, 05:30 PM, said:

)
Just to buy a simple magazine at the grocery store, I had to ask permission.

BTW, I did a child support calculator thing online today, and I was very stunned to found out Tony would likely have to pay over 1k/month in child support! I was only expecting 2-3 hundred per month. And to think Tony wanted us to have just a casual arrangement where he gives me a few bucks here and there as he can spare it. While I wasn't expecting over 1k, I know with the way how he has been about money, I definately want child support/alimony included in the divorce proceedings!

Unless it was "Wheelchair Monthly" bet ya never needed permission to buy that one.
"A few bucks here and there?" "AS HE CAN SPARE IT?"
You and the kids can start eating out of Dempsey dumpsters now so you'll be used to it when the time comes. Or better yet, cruise on over to Tony's and dig through his trash. Pull out the empty lobster and crab shells n' boil them up to make a thin gruel. Toss on some freshly mowed
lawn fer garnish! Great with stale crackers from the 99 cent store. Add a little warm tap water for dipping and hey!

The idea isn't to take the guy for all he's got. No one needs to be vindictive about anything. But if he's managed to get enough income to support you, him, the kids and the livestock up to now, then he ought to be able to something to help out.

As friendly as you may want this whole thing to be, you better be careful. He's grown very comfortable with your company over the years.
His ability to show affection may be impaired but the idea of you ripping yourself free and him now being all alone is gonna scare the shit out of him, frustrate him, and for now, piss him off. Sounds like he's already feeling the effects and therefore lashing out blindly hoping to hit a vulnerable spot somewhere that will negatively effect you. Block his strikes but don't throw any of your own punches. No point in lowering yourself to his level. It will only exacerbate the negativity.

Anywho, hands on the wheel, nice light touch, big smiles everybody's happy and, here, we, go.

E

[StillFingers]

Emily,

Just thought I'd drop in on the convo. First, bravo, you are making the right move to get out.

Second, get a lawyer and/or good legal advise before you agree to anything; being well informed will help you and the kids greatly.

Third, if you knew nothing of your finances/taxes, with you being legally married, if there are any back taxes due or found during your married time, you are liable also; if you signed a joint return, wither you worked or not...be very careful here, you could get seriously screwed.

My sister has been thru divorce, it's not pretty, can get very ugly when money is involved and things can workout ok also. If you want someone to chat with I'm sure she would do so...btw she has a son and he was right in the middle of the whole mess, and he's just graduated with his BS in Psychology; he's a great kid.

Be well, and as others have said, take care of self and kids...you deserve nothing less and in my book, much more.

XO

Jerry

Edited by StillFingers, 05 June 2009 - 03:24 AM.