3 replies to this topic

[CrazyLucky]

Hello Everyone,

I am looking for a bit of advice from those in relationships with SCIs...

I experienced my injury 1.5 years ago. At the time, our 1st son was 3 months old, and now we have a second (ages are now 2 and 6 months). I am lucky in that my recovery has progressed and I have recoverd much of my motion/function. However, there are still plenty of bad days and chronic, chronic, chronic, chronic pain. A freind who has a history with cancer described it best...it's kind of like there's a radio in my head...some days it's louder than others, but no matter what, it's always on. I am lucky in a lot of ways, but the injury is still pretty consuming in my brain.

The long and the short is I am looking for strategies in order to prevent my wife from getting burnt out with the whole deal. It's not the thing that she constantly has to deal with, and nor should she...I'm certainly able enough. She stays at home with the kids and has her own very reasonable stressors in life. I do not wish to overburden her with what I go through, and have made a bit of a conscious effort to not talk about what I'm going through. With that being said, it's always there. And I tend to be a talker about what goes on in my head. And she is my wife and my best friend, and I do want to talk to her about it. Recently is seems like when I bring it up, she changes the subject if she can. So, how much is too much? Has anyone developed strategies with their significant other on how to successfully deal with the pshychological burden that an SCI patient faces? we've only been married for 3.5 years, so we have a long way to go! Any advice is much appreciated. Take care.

[Travelling Blackbird]

First of all, sit down and talk about the situation without talking about the pain and your condition. Basically, tell her what you just told us.

The best strategy in a relationship is openly talking about your feelings.

Tell her you don't want her to experience burn-out, you don't want to over-burden her, but that she's not just your wife, she's also your best friend and you want to share what's in your head with her. Tell her you know or feel that you sometimes talk too much - tell her about the "radio". Then ask how she feels, tell her how important it is to you that she expresses how she feels.

Whatever way you phrase it, whatever way you bring it up, whether light and with some humor ("You know I'm a motormouth when it comes to what's in my head!"), or really serious ("I'm scared of losing you if I overburden you with what I'm going through."), make it about your feelings and her feelings, and leave the lines of communication open. Show that you want to learn when it's a good time to talk to her and when she needs you to listen.

All the best,
Derek.

[CrazyLucky]

Great advice. It's felt like there are things that need to be said, but we both get to walking on eggshells a bit. I appreciate the input and will give it a try.

[Angel of Ten + yrs]

 CrazyLucky, on Jun 7 2009, 11:39 AM, said:

Great advice. It's felt like there are things that need to be said, but we both get to walking on eggshells a bit. I appreciate the input and will give it a try.

I know you posted this almost a month ago, but I have not been on here for A LONG TIME. But I just wanted to say. . .
You're a good man to care about her getting burned out. But I do agree, just talk to her. Maybe start with asking her how she is doing with EVERYTHING and then you can share with her how you are feeling. My husband is T5-6-7 Complete. Pain has never been something he has had to deal with. I can't even imagine. He has a hard enough time with the UTI's and Spasms. Anyway, I guess I just want to say that is will be 13 years for us in August and I am burned out. So just Care about how she feels. Acknowledge what she does for you and your children. Be grateful, appreciative and make sure that she gets some time for "her" If you don't mind, pamper her, give her a massage or foot massage. This will be very beneficial. Woman are tough and we can multitask but just like a good car we can only go for so long before we overheat or breakdown. Ya know what I mean.

I can tell you that from the woman's point of view. If she is feeling overwhelmed she probably will not tell you because she does not want you to feel bad or guilty. So you being aware and acknowledging that it could happen is HUGE!

God Bless and Good luck with your talk.