23 replies to this topic

[Angel of Ten + yrs]

I haven't posted for probably a few years. This will probably be a long one. I am hoping someone out there can empathize with me and give me some advice.

I have been with my husband for 22 years. The first 8 years were very rocky and unhealthy. But I Loved him. My husband was paralyzed(T5) almost 13 years ago. Up until the past 2-3 years I HAD DONE IT ALL!! I have always worked Full-time. I did all the house work. With NO APPRECIATION! I probably cleaned him up at least 1000 time in ten years. Not because he couldn't, because he just disrespected me and ate whatever he wanted and caused the bowel movements. I had been late to work so many times because of his inconsideration. He admits to being ungrateful for all I did. He admits to not appreciating me. He admits to taking me for granted and manipulating me. Okay, since August last year, when I was going to leave, he has been self-sufficient. He does household chores. He does the dishes, does his laundry, helps with the dogs, makes dinner. I recognize and acknowledge his being self-sufficient. HOWEVER, It just happen in the past year. Why not sooner when I begged and pleaded for him not to eat certain foods and to help me around the house. Oh, He is a sanctioned Umpire and umpires ball from April till August. Every year he would do his bowel program to assure that he did not have an "accident" while he was umpping, BUT in the fall and winter he disrespected me and didn’t give a rats ass if he had an "accident" for me to clean up, Waking me up ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT to do so. Again, I have worked Full-time since his injury, so I get up early 5 days a week. Oh, and I attended college from 2004 - 2006 to earn my Bachelors degree and am currently working on my Masters. He is very self sufficient now, but recently I have LOTS OF ANGER!! I'm ANGRY towards how he shit on me figurately and literally!! I have been trying to get past this anger but it is consuming. I realize that in 13 years I have not had a break, a vacation, or someone taking care of me (NOT EVEN ME). He was baptized in September of last year and we joined a church which we had attending weekly until Umpire season. We have had opportunity to go recently but my heart is not in the right place.

He asked me recently if we were DONE. Not what's wrong, or is something bothering you? Just are we DONE. I never said we were done, I explained to him how I was feeling. He never acknowledged it. He moved out yesterday, July 3rd and I let him go. I HAVE GIVEN HIM ALL MY LOVE and MORE for so long.

I realized when he left that I felt a sense of freedom. For once the only thing I need to think about is me. Our daughters are 19 & 21. I just feel that a break is what I need. Of course I have gone from being an Angel, an amazing and remarkable women to a bitch because I'm burned out. Of course he has gone to his family who plays right into his sympathy and pity me state of mind. THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE WHAT IT HAS BEEN LIKE ALL THESE YEARS. ITS NOT LIKE THEY EVER CAME OVER TO HELP IN ANY WAY!!

ANYWAY, back to the reason I am writing this post. I realized I never grieved the loss. I went straight into "DOING THE RIGHT THING AS THE WIFE" being the CAREGIVER. The loss of him working, walking, being normal, the whole change. He doesn't realize that the day he was paralyzed changed his life and mine. So now I am ANGRY! I am BURNED OUT! I am SUCKED DRY of so much. I am reluctant to CARE about him at the level I was caring all those years. I don't trust him with my heart. OH did I mentioned that all these years I cared about him and he didn't. He didn't care that he got UTI's, that he was told he was diabetic, that his cholesterol was high. He said "NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT EAT AND I'M NOT TAKING MEDICINE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!" I get the attitude because he had loss so much being paralyzed but him not caring about himself only showed me he didn't really care about me or us. However, he does take all his medicines regularly.

The simple fact is that I only need me some ME time! I just need a break. I need to find me again and do what I want without his insecurities keeping me imprisoned in my home. I love my husband VERY MUCH, why I don't know because of all the ways he has miss treated me over 22 years. But I do. This makes my decision much harder.

Can anyone out there relate to any of this??? The anger, the choice I need to make. Either to continue down this path or think about me. I'm 40 now and have given this man everything for 22 years of my life. Do I live for me now?

Thank you for listening and letting me share.

[edlee]

Having an SCI doesn't mean you aren't an asshole. Percentages are about the same SCI or AB.

He moved out,,,, quick, change the locks. If you are renting,, move. If you own,, call a realter.

The man has shown you how much he values your marriage. He moved out to "put you in your place". Manipulation like that should be rewarded.

As a bit of advice,,,, don't divorce him,,, he will end up getting alimony from you. Same goes for legal separation,,, give it a couple years. While you are apart, watch for him to try to use your kids to get to you. WHEN he does, you'll know what I was talking about.

Be strong, good luck
ed

[ClaraTaylor]

1. Consider seeing a counsellor to work through your grief, I've heard good things about them helping.
2. Get a friend and book a holiday together, one week of just doing the things you want to do
3. Get your hair done, your nails done, have a massage, go out for a nice meal, anything you *used* to do. Before he starts sulking around again sniffing about whatever emotion he has decided to pick on next. Because he will try, and then he will get your children and other family members to try and beat you back down. Right now you've that time to put yourself first - so use it!
4. Change the locks - just to give you control over how and when he tries to access the house, or when he sends others for reasons I can imagine [spying, making sure he has ownership of x y z, deciding to move back in...], especially since you are at work.
5. Start looking at your finances, because chances are he'll still be expecting you to look after him financially. I don't know what help there is out there for you to seek to see about setting up accounts / pensions / long term savings etc that can't be accessed by him even during a divorce.

[Angel of Ten + yrs]

edlee, on Jul 4 2009, 11:24 PM, said:

Having an SCI doesn't mean you aren't an asshole. Percentages are about the same SCI or AB.

He moved out,,,, quick, change the locks. If you are renting,, move. If you own,, call a realter.

The man has shown you how much he values your marriage. He moved out to "put you in your place". Manipulation like that should be rewarded.

As a bit of advice,,,, don't divorce him,,, he will end up getting alimony from you. Same goes for legal separation,,, give it a couple years. While you are apart, watch for him to try to use your kids to get to you. WHEN he does, you'll know what I was talking about.

Be strong, good luck
ed

Oh you are right, He was an Asshole before being in the chair. Oh I failed to mention he ended up in the chair from a motorcycle accident which was his first love that he put before me and our daughters.
Yea, I figured he would go after everything I have worked MY ASS off for ALL these years!! I'm not planning on Divorce. I failed to mentioned that prior to working for the Attorney General of our State I worked in a Law office for 8 years. So I kind of know a little about Divorce.

Oh and I could spend the money to change the locks but our oldest daughter lives here and she probably would assist him. She is daddy's girl. I know this so when she gets home from her mini vacation she and I will be talking. Also, I thought it might be easier to tear out his ramp, not to be mean but in control. What do you think???

So are you married?? You're a T10? So are you self sufficient? THANK YOU FOR REPLYING. I was afriad no one would give me any input. Thank you.

Edited by Angel of Ten + yrs, 05 July 2009 - 02:04 PM.

[JustJayde]

Sounds like you are in quite a pickle, especially if you can not change the locks. I think taking out the ramp may be a good idea though I suppose if he really wanted in he would find a way to not let that stop him. Hopefully your daughter will understand and then you are able to change the locks one day.

Most of all I just want to say yes - take time for yourself. Pamper and love yourself - because you are worth it.

Much luck and good wishes sent your way. Hang in there.

[KarenFerguson]

Definitely live for YOU now. He certainly sounds like quite the asshole, I say good riddance. I know you'll always love him, especially because he's the father of your children. But sometimes it's best to be apart and live separate lives - he'll become more independent and you'll start to get to know the real you. Lots of luck & I hope everything goes well!

[RoyC]

The man is a total pisstaker as he has now shown after all the years of using you as his {literally~} arse wipe, i cant believe anybody with self respect would want anybody to clean them up after a bowl movement i have had a few in my time but i have never asked for help as i can manage on my own its totally different if you cant but it is obvious he could, he is still playing you so do as the other posters suggest get yourself a holiday which you truly deserve after all these years of slaving over an ungrateful pr,ck and get back to living a normal life grrr people like him make me so pissed off when you see people who cant do a quarter of the things he can do struggle to do the very basic daily tasks u seem like a good lady im sure you will come good eventually just dont let him try and worm his way back in you good books after all he left you remember keep us informed how things progress good or bad i will be thinking about you in these bad times but remember you have people here looking out for you

Edited by RoyC, 05 July 2009 - 11:54 PM.

[Angel of Ten + yrs]

RoyC, on Jul 5 2009, 07:49 PM, said:

The man is a total pisstaker as he has now shown after all the years of using you as his {literally~} arse wipe, i cant believe anybody with self respect would want anybody to clean them up after a bowl movement i have had a few in my time but i have never asked for help as i can manage on my own its totally different if you cant but it is obvious he could, he is still playing you so do as the other posters suggest get yourself a holiday which you truly deserve after all these years of slaving over an ungrateful pr,ck and get back to living a normal life grrr people like him make me so pissed off when you see people who cant do a quarter of the things he can do struggle to do the very basic daily tasks u seem like a good lady im sure you will come good eventually just dont let him try and worm his way back in you good books after all he left you remember keep us informed how things progress good or bad i will be thinking about you in these bad times but remember you have people here looking out for you

THANK YOU so much for responding. I need to know if I'm crazy or being selfish. And to get the feedback from those of you who are in chairs is SOOOO helpful. This is why I'm at my breaking point. Who does that to someone that they "LOVE"? I have been alone now for 3 days and this whole thinking about me, I Like it. It may be just the break I have needed. I just feel a sense of "Independence" for ONCE in my life and I'm guessing my life is half way over. Sucks for me. But it's just Me-Myself & I right now and I am going to enjoy it.

Edited by Angel of Ten + yrs, 06 July 2009 - 12:09 AM.

[Quad65]

I'm a man and I've been a quad since 1965 and married since 1978. Plain and simple: Your husband was, is, and will probably always be a manipulative, selfish asshole. No, you are not wrong to feel angry at being used, abused, and screwed. Let his family deal with him from now on. Move far away, leave no forwarding address, and enjoy life. You've earned it. In spades.

[hanma51]

Angel...
You will always be an angel. Thanks for writing. As a mother and caretaker myself, the answers you received were very helpful to me. God bless you. Take time for yourself, no matter what you decide. I forced myself to leave for weeks at a time. It's surprising... he will survive, and hell be better off for it too. It's time for him to grow-up and enjoy whatever independence he can learn. Don't take that away from him. Let him discover everything about himself, including his bowel-movements. (you might want to be away on a trip for that one) Be Strong.

[cowgirl]

Wow, I would be frustrated, angry and DONE. Sounds like you have tried everything to help someone who will not help himself and sounds like he has taken out his anger at you in a very selfish abusive way.

Hopefully your daughters will understand how/why you feel (rightly so)the way you do. I am sure if she would like to go and take over his care at his family home she could.

You need to take care of you, please be good to yourself, only you can do that now. It is unfair for you not to take care of yourself. Life is good, fun and can be filled with joy and laughter and surprises. You have missed a lot of this it sounds like. Your husbands behavior is abusive to you and to your girls, because of his selfish ways, he has even taken you from enjoying more fun and time with your girls.

I am a T7, I live by myself, I drive, I travel, I care for 3 dogs that are my buddies, I have 3 horses. I have an adaptive saddle and a lift, so I can ride. I love to fish, I play pool at least once a week down the street at a local pub ( I do not drink because of meds I take and the things it can mess up with your body, when you have a spinal injury). I have friends over and cook dinner. Whatever.

I have seen soooooooooo much good advise and understanding in the replies to you. I wish you good times, fun and laughter in your life. You can love someone out of habit. Things change, if he started beating you, I doubt you would stay around, and what he has done to you sounds worse to me.

What a shame. I understand you feel you love him, but it does not change the way he has chosen to treat you and his self. Move on. Life's short.

Be strong and protect yourself. If others do not understand, then so be it. Hold your head up high and know many have not walked in your shoes, so let anyone who wants to, have your shoes.

Please let us know how you are doing!! Good luck to you,
God bless you.

Cowgirl

[Angel of Ten + yrs]

cowgirl, on Jul 7 2009, 07:49 PM, said:

Wow, I would be frustrated, angry and DONE. Sounds like you have tried everything to help someone who will not help himself and sounds like he has taken out his anger at you in a very selfish abusive way.

Hopefully your daughters will understand how/why you feel (rightly so)the way you do. I am sure if she would like to go and take over his care at his family home she could.

You need to take care of you, please be good to yourself, only you can do that now. It is unfair for you not to take care of yourself. Life is good, fun and can be filled with joy and laughter and surprises. You have missed a lot of this it sounds like. Your husbands behavior is abusive to you and to your girls, because of his selfish ways, he has even taken you from enjoying more fun and time with your girls.

I am a T7, I live by myself, I drive, I travel, I care for 3 dogs that are my buddies, I have 3 horses. I have an adaptive saddle and a lift, so I can ride. I love to fish, I play pool at least once a week down the street at a local pub ( I do not drink because of meds I take and the things it can mess up with your body, when you have a spinal injury). I have friends over and cook dinner. Whatever.

I have seen soooooooooo much good advise and understanding in the replies to you. I wish you good times, fun and laughter in your life. You can love someone out of habit. Things change, if he started beating you, I doubt you would stay around, and what he has done to you sounds worse to me.

What a shame. I understand you feel you love him, but it does not change the way he has chosen to treat you and his self. Move on. Life's short.

Be strong and protect yourself. If others do not understand, then so be it. Hold your head up high and know many have not walked in your shoes, so let anyone who wants to, have your shoes.

Please let us know how you are doing!! Good luck to you,
God bless you.

Cowgirl

Cowgirl,
Your level being so close to is SCI level, your words brought me to tears. The loving someone out of habit hit me in the chest. I am not defending him, but he does drive, he has since 9 months after his injury. Like I said he is self sufficient NOW but it should have been so long ago. He makes dinner and helps with our 6 dogs (the parents and 4 of their pups) When he knows I upset he makes sure the dishes are done and sweeps the floor. You would think if your spouse is the main financial support in the family and they are working towards increasing this with a Master's Degree that instead of being threatened and jealous by it you'd be more supportive of them. He had the opportunity to go to college FREE and probably still could but he is content and sees nothing wrong with what he does. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! This is why I'm tired. I have been carry the weight of him on my back for years and he is okay with that. Anyway. I'm rambling. Sorry. It's just that when I talk to my friends they try to understand but they don't really know and to talk to all of the great people on here that understand. Feels so great to get things off my chest. It helps me think clearer.

IT IS SOOO COOL THAT YOU HAVE HORSES!! He wasn't motivate to do anything before his injury and it only got worse after. It's just that when it’s for him he did what he needed to do. But the other times . . . I know that I enabled him. But I also know the statements he has made about "she did it, so I let her." Not much of an Adult behavior or a Man to allow this to happen over and over. I STOPPED cleaning him up and guess what he started to do it himself and his BP(bowel program) regularly about 3 years ago. I only help if he is sick. The best part is that he was trying to get sympathy from his brother and my sister-in-law, but they had witnessed the behavior of me asking him not to eat a certain something and him not caring. So that backfired on him.

Anyway, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words of understanding, support, and encouragement. I have enjoyed thinking about me and what I need to do. I Have NEVER been selfish so this is a hard task for me. I have to keep telling myself your life is half over do you want to spend the second half doing this same thing?" My answer is NO!! but then I start to feel guilty. But I thank God for putting people in my life who let me know that it is okay to think about me for now.

I feel guilty for not wanting to be with him anymore. BUT HOW MUCH CAN ONE WOMAN TAKE!

Okay, I'm done. Thank you.

[E-DOG]

Angel of Ten + yrs, on Jul 4 2009, 07:57 PM, said:

I haven't posted for probably a few years. This will probably be a long one. I am hoping someone out there can empathize with me and give me some advice.

The simple fact is that I only need me some ME time! I just need a break. I need to find me again and do what I want without his insecurities keeping me imprisoned in my home. I love my husband VERY MUCH, why I don't know because of all the ways he has miss treated me over 22 years. But I do. This makes my decision much harder.

Can anyone out there relate to any of this??? The anger, the choice I need to make. Either to continue down this path or think about me. I'm 40 now and have given this man everything for 22 years of my life. Do I live for me now?

Thank you for listening and letting me share.

Like a ping pong ball.
Back and forth your emotions go. I still love him. He treats me like shit. I just need a little brake. He was an asshole before the injury. Which path should I take. His first love is the motorcycle. Oh, but I love my husband very much.

Do I live for me now?
If you are having trouble finding the answer to that question.
If you are still waffling back and forth over this self centered turd.
Then why not do this?

Take the guy back. Let him continue to treat you like the dog he's convinced you you are. And when you're so unbelievably beat down and fed up with what you've allowed yourself to become, then you can spin like an insane top out into the desert and dry up and blow away like a used piece of tissue paper. But make sure you leave the house nice and neat so he can attract another sucker to treat like a piece of shit. Because after all babe, his thoughts, feelings, and emotions are FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS. Right?

Or. Maybe you could think about yourself for once in your life and change the damn locks and keep them changed. If your daughter can't figure out how to knock on the door to get herself let in, then maybe she's too dumb to be let in.

Just my humble opinion,
E-dog

[Angel of Ten + yrs]

E-DOG, on Jul 7 2009, 09:09 PM, said:

Angel of Ten + yrs, on Jul 4 2009, 07:57 PM, said:

I haven't posted for probably a few years. This will probably be a long one. I am hoping someone out there can empathize with me and give me some advice.

The simple fact is that I only need me some ME time! I just need a break. I need to find me again and do what I want without his insecurities keeping me imprisoned in my home. I love my husband VERY MUCH, why I don't know because of all the ways he has miss treated me over 22 years. But I do. This makes my decision much harder.

Can anyone out there relate to any of this??? The anger, the choice I need to make. Either to continue down this path or think about me. I'm 40 now and have given this man everything for 22 years of my life. Do I live for me now?

Thank you for listening and letting me share.

Like a ping pong ball.
Back and forth your emotions go. I still love him. He treats me like shit. I just need a little brake. He was an asshole before the injury. Which path should I take. His first love is the motorcycle. Oh, but I love my husband very much.

Do I live for me now?
If you are having trouble finding the answer to that question.
If you are still waffling back and forth over this self centered turd.
Then why not do this?

Take the guy back. Let him continue to treat you like the dog he's convinced you you are. And when you're so unbelievably beat down and fed up with what you've allowed yourself to become, then you can spin like an insane top out into the desert and dry up and blow away like a used piece of tissue paper. But make sure you leave the house nice and neat so he can attract another sucker to treat like a piece of shit. Because after all babe, his thoughts, feelings, and emotions are FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS. Right?

Or. Maybe you could think about yourself for once in your life and change the damn locks and keep them changed. If your daughter can't figure out how to knock on the door to get herself let in, then maybe she's too dumb to be let in.

Just my humble opinion,
E-dog

My favorite thing about REAL MEN is that they just tell you how it is about other men. Thank you. Yes, I know how freakin wishy-washy I sound. But cut me a little slack, This whole taking care of me is out of my norm. I didn't change the locks cause he did give me the keys. I know, the answer is no I do not know if he made copies. However, I have started tearing boards of the ramp.

Thank you for your brutal honesty. I REALLY NEED TO HEAR IT! I mean that. There are so many people around me who really want to say things to me and they don't. But I know that they think I'm an Idiot. It's pretty bad when your own daughter tells her father that he doesn't deserve you and you deserve more,so much more.

Thank you. I know that I already know the answers. I just need Courage from the great Wizard of Oz! LOL.

[E-DOG]

Angel.
And I really believe you might very well be an angel. Sorry for the brutality but sometimes I think it's what people need to hear. I'm not gonna tell you, or anyone what they WANT to hear. It's a waste of everyone's time.

So often people come to the site complaining about how their s/o is treating them poorly.
Funny. Last night after writing my reply to you I was laying in bed thinking to myself, "dang, I was kinda hard on the gal" and I vowed to get back on here and start a new topic asking all the folks here if I was too rough on gals who posted topics such as yours. I was gonna give a blanket apology to all the abused and mistreated s/o's I'd bopped on the head and told to wake the hell up and smell the coffee. Or tea, if yer from over there.

But having read your response to my reply I've changed my mind. If it takes harsh to get through to people then harsh it is.
Now I'll soften up a bit.

Tearing boards off the ramp! This is most amusing. I can just see the fool coming "home." Realization hitting him in the face like a mack truck.
"Dang," he sez to himself. "Who the hell am I gonna use for a whipping post now?"
And there's you in the window, crap eating grin on your face with a big sign in your hand sayin' "IT AIN'T ME BABE!"

You go gal. And never give 'em the satisfaction of thinking yer beat.

E

[cowgirl]

Angel of Ten + yrs, on Jul 8 2009, 01:20 AM, said:

cowgirl, on Jul 7 2009, 07:49 PM, said:

Wow, I would be frustrated, angry and DONE. Sounds like you have tried everything to help someone who will not help himself and sounds like he has taken out his anger at you in a very selfish abusive way.

Hopefully your daughters will understand how/why you feel (rightly so)the way you do. I am sure if she would like to go and take over his care at his family home she could.

You need to take care of you, please be good to yourself, only you can do that now. It is unfair for you not to take care of yourself. Life is good, fun and can be filled with joy and laughter and surprises. You have missed a lot of this it sounds like. Your husbands behavior is abusive to you and to your girls, because of his selfish ways, he has even taken you from enjoying more fun and time with your girls.

I am a T7, I live by myself, I drive, I travel, I care for 3 dogs that are my buddies, I have 3 horses. I have an adaptive saddle and a lift, so I can ride. I love to fish, I play pool at least once a week down the street at a local pub ( I do not drink because of meds I take and the things it can mess up with your body, when you have a spinal injury). I have friends over and cook dinner. Whatever.

I have seen soooooooooo much good advise and understanding in the replies to you. I wish you good times, fun and laughter in your life. You can love someone out of habit. Things change, if he started beating you, I doubt you would stay around, and what he has done to you sounds worse to me.

What a shame. I understand you feel you love him, but it does not change the way he has chosen to treat you and his self. Move on. Life's short.

Be strong and protect yourself. If others do not understand, then so be it. Hold your head up high and know many have not walked in your shoes, so let anyone who wants to, have your shoes.

Please let us know how you are doing!! Good luck to you,
God bless you.

Cowgirl

Cowgirl,
Your level being so close to is SCI level, your words brought me to tears. The loving someone out of habit hit me in the chest. I am not defending him, but he does drive, he has since 9 months after his injury. Like I said he is self sufficient NOW but it should have been so long ago. He makes dinner and helps with our 6 dogs (the parents and 4 of their pups) When he knows I upset he makes sure the dishes are done and sweeps the floor. You would think if your spouse is the main financial support in the family and they are working towards increasing this with a Master's Degree that instead of being threatened and jealous by it you'd be more supportive of them. He had the opportunity to go to college FREE and probably still could but he is content and sees nothing wrong with what he does. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! This is why I'm tired. I have been carry the weight of him on my back for years and he is okay with that. Anyway. I'm rambling. Sorry. It's just that when I talk to my friends they try to understand but they don't really know and to talk to all of the great people on here that understand. Feels so great to get things off my chest. It helps me think clearer.

IT IS SOOO COOL THAT YOU HAVE HORSES!! He wasn't motivate to do anything before his injury and it only got worse after. It's just that when it’s for him he did what he needed to do. But the other times . . . I know that I enabled him. But I also know the statements he has made about "she did it, so I let her." Not much of an Adult behavior or a Man to allow this to happen over and over. I STOPPED cleaning him up and guess what he started to do it himself and his BP(bowel program) regularly about 3 years ago. I only help if he is sick. The best part is that he was trying to get sympathy from his brother and my sister-in-law, but they had witnessed the behavior of me asking him not to eat a certain something and him not caring. So that backfired on him.

Anyway, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words of understanding, support, and encouragement. I have enjoyed thinking about me and what I need to do. I Have NEVER been selfish so this is a hard task for me. I have to keep telling myself your life is half over do you want to spend the second half doing this same thing?" My answer is NO!! but then I start to feel guilty. But I thank God for putting people in my life who let me know that it is okay to think about me for now.

I feel guilty for not wanting to be with him anymore. BUT HOW MUCH CAN ONE WOMAN TAKE!

Okay, I'm done. Thank you.

[cowgirl]

Hi again Angel,

I did not mean to send the same message. Still trying to hit the right buttons!!

I have not met anyone that did not have some good points. Maybe you should make a list, you know, like bad traits on one side and good ones on the other.

I am glad you have a place to "vent" that is always helpful, so vent all you want to me.

You said you have NEVER been selfish. I think you need to quit being selfish to yourself. A person can guilt theirself to death!! Try looking in the mirror everymorning and night and tell yourself how important you are, and that you will take care of yourself and you deserve happiness and love and joy.

I am glad he has made some changes for his own good.

So if he can you can you can, too.

Have a great fun weekend, treat yourself to something you have wanted to do and didn't, and please make it guilt free.

Cowgirl

[cowgirl]

I think I really liked what E had to say, made me laugh about the sign and the missing boards!!! I will add be STRONG, get the rest of the boards! Do not enable by rebuilding ramp.

Cowgirl

[Angel of Ten + yrs]

Update:
Well, my oldest daughter returned home today She didn't talk much about the situation. She went straight to work so she will probably feel more when she actually comes home. So, I guess she was a bit peeved at her sister because my husband I had her first to get the suitcases from upstairs and she said "no" and then he asked my youngest. Probably a test for her. He was upset because it only took her 10-15 min to pack him up to go. She was more like

Anyway, he and I had a txt convo Monday evening. No contact all week. [I know E-Dog wishy washy] It shouldn't bother me.
Then he shows up today for his slide board, mail, and his catheters (which are paid for by my insurance). He had an attitude and an accusing tone when he asked me "if someone was here". My daughter's friend had left her car here. Again, wanted a reaction from me. OH and he looked at my hand and saw that I am still wearing my ring. We are still married even though we are separated. OH yeah, He saw the boards off the ramp

Anyway, I have no problem admitting that I will be starting some counseling for ME!!

There are times I miss him, which surprises me as pissed off as I am. Yea, I know he's an Ass, but he's been my Ass for many years so well, I'm dealing with a lot of emotions right now.

All in all I'm doin pretty good at taking care of me! The younger me was pathetic and couldn't go an hour without talking to him when we use to separate b4 his accident.

Have a great weekend and thank you for all your responses.

cowgirl, on Jul 10 2009, 10:37 PM, said:

Hi again Angel,

I did not mean to send the same message. Still trying to hit the right buttons!!

I have not met anyone that did not have some good points. Maybe you should make a list, you know, like bad traits on one side and good ones on the other.

I am glad you have a place to "vent" that is always helpful, so vent all you want to me.

You said you have NEVER been selfish. I think you need to quit being selfish to yourself. A person can guilt theirself to death!! Try looking in the mirror everymorning and night and tell yourself how important you are, and that you will take care of yourself and you deserve happiness and love and joy.

I am glad he has made some changes for his own good.

So if he can you can you can, too.

Have a great fun weekend, treat yourself to something you have wanted to do and didn't, and please make it guilt free.

Cowgirl

I do see the good in him. It's just me and the damage and toll the years have taken on me. Gee, ya picked up on the whole guilt stricken. I'm working on that. Thanks for your encouragement.

[E-DOG]

Of course it's understandable that a part of you would miss the guy.
No. 1 The mind wants to remember the good times not the bad (part of the dynamics of denial) and your time with him certainly wasn't all bad. Especially in the beginning. You did marry him after all and I can't believe you'd have intentionally married a butt head. Asshole-izm is a progressive disease.

No. 2 Over the years one can and will grow accustomed to and comfortable with even a turd like him. Again, the on start of turdizm is subtle, hardly noticeable, and it's progress is slow and steady (which is why it's called the turtle of bad behaviors in most textbooks) so by the time he turns into a complete asshole yer already attached to each other with the rivets of familiarity.

Next time he asks if you have someone there tell him "Yes, and oddly enough I'm beginning to realize not all men are shit heads so don't let the door hit you in the ass on yer way out."

Counseling sounds like a great idea.
Keep in mind, YOU are the one you'll have to live with for the rest of your life. ALL others may come and go, including offspring. So take care of you first.

I'm not sure if ANY OF THIS really makes any sense. And if I am wrong someone needs to tell me so I can stop giving shit advice. I'm just trying to be helpful. I know I'm opinionated, harsh, abrasive etc. But if no one stops me, I see it as encouragement. And if I'm encouraged, nothing will stop me.

yours in perpetuity,
E

[Angel of Ten + yrs]

E-DOG, on Jul 11 2009, 11:09 PM, said:

Of course it's understandable that a part of you would miss the guy.
No. 1 The mind wants to remember the good times not the bad (part of the dynamics of denial) and your time with him certainly wasn't all bad. Especially in the beginning. You did marry him after all and I can't believe you'd have intentionally married a butt head. Asshole-izm is a progressive disease.

No. 2 Over the years one can and will grow accustomed to and comfortable with even a turd like him. Again, the on start of turdizm is subtle, hardly noticeable, and it's progress is slow and steady (which is why it's called the turtle of bad behaviors in most textbooks) so by the time he turns into a complete asshole yer already attached to each other with the rivets of familiarity.

Next time he asks if you have someone there tell him "Yes, and oddly enough I'm beginning to realize not all men are shit heads so don't let the door hit you in the ass on yer way out."

Counseling sounds like a great idea.
Keep in mind, YOU are the one you'll have to live with for the rest of your life. ALL others may come and go, including offspring. So take care of you first.

I'm not sure if ANY OF THIS really makes any sense. And if I am wrong someone needs to tell me so I can stop giving shit advice. I'm just trying to be helpful. I know I'm opinionated, harsh, abrasive etc. But if no one stops me, I see it as encouragement. And if I'm encouraged, nothing will stop me.

yours in perpetuity,
E

I appreciate your post because you are injured at his same level so You tell me like it is HE IS AN ASS!! Which I know and you help me focus on ME and right now I need to and you are right. Every where I go there I am. Darndest thing.
Anyway. I'm not really a mean person not even a little so it would be really hard for me to make that comment about having someone here. It's just that he says "He knows me and if he did he wouldn't have said that"
Oh he basically is trying on the same manipulative phrases he use to use out of his own insecurities. Thing is he is not getting the same reactions this time. I'm trying to get more on the offense and not mean.

Thanks,

[wheeliebear75]

I can tell you that an ounce of sugar will get you a whole lot further than a gallon of vinegar (yes I live in the U.S.).

I don't know what his deal is but I do know that it shouldn't mean that you are treated like crap. And yes it does stand to reason if he can keep his accidents from happening during baseball season than he should be able to just as well at during other times of the year. Is he mentally 2yrs old or an adult? Because last I knew having fits with poo were generally young tantrum throwing tots or chimps at the zoo.

Nobody deserves to be dumped on......both figuratively & literally speaking. There are a good number of people who have been left by their spouses just because of the AB partner's inability to cope with the new reality. Since this isn't apparently the case with you guys........."you reap what you sew". Having survived paralysis doesn't give him the right to treat anyone else like crap let alone the person whom has been taking care of him & everything else.

My now ex-husband had started getting quite abusive with me & he had no cause to be that way other than just "wanting someone else to do it". Well he got his wish. Someone else now takes care of me......& I am eternally grateful every day for the tender & compassionate way I'm now cared for.

I hope this is of some help. Just remember........if he won't treat you like his queen than he doesn't deserve to have you or to be treated like a king.......he's just a royal ass.

[cowgirl]

wheeliebear75, on Jul 12 2009, 05:13 AM, said:

I can tell you that an ounce of sugar will get you a whole lot further than a gallon of vinegar (yes I live in the U.S.).

I don't know what his deal is but I do know that it shouldn't mean that you are treated like crap. And yes it does stand to reason if he can keep his accidents from happening during baseball season than he should be able to just as well at during other times of the year. Is he mentally 2yrs old or an adult? Because last I knew having fits with poo were generally young tantrum throwing tots or chimps at the zoo.

Nobody deserves to be dumped on......both figuratively & literally speaking. There are a good number of people who have been left by their spouses just because of the AB partner's inability to cope with the new reality. Since this isn't apparently the case with you guys........."you reap what you sew". Having survived paralysis doesn't give him the right to treat anyone else like crap let alone the person whom has been taking care of him & everything else.

My now ex-husband had started getting quite abusive with me & he had no cause to be that way other than just "wanting someone else to do it". Well he got his wish. Someone else now takes care of me......& I am eternally grateful every day for the tender & compassionate way I'm now cared for.

I hope this is of some help. Just remember........if he won't treat you like his queen than he doesn't deserve to have you or to be treated like a king.......he's just a royal ass.

[cowgirl]

I like the sentence from wheeliebear75, about the queen/king statement. That is a good one.