9 replies to this topic

[buff]

so i am the girlfriend of a quad. not sure his exact level of injury i think its c6 or something close. i have had to adjust to alot with him. i don't mind it i never get impatient with him. i love helping him. but he gets impatient with me. is it because he is impatient with himself and i am the one there for him to take it out on? i mean how can he get impatient with somebody that is helping him? if anything the frustration and impatience should be the other way around. anybody else have this issue?

[Pelly418]

I do know wat your talking about my exgirlfriend would help me with what ever I needed, and I used to get frustraded and impatient with her because she shouldn't have to help me and it would make me upset, and she was the only one there so I would some what take it out on her, and I never meant to, but its hard to have someone help you wen it should be the other way around. But just give it time and he will stop getting impatient and frustrated with you.
I hope this helps,
Tony

[buff]

yeah it helps. i mean i know that it wasn't me but i just hate that he gets frustrated. and just because he is in a chair doesn't mean it doesn't bother me. so i told him i loved him and after i was done helping him i was going home. so i helped him cath and get back in bed and i kissed him goodbye. but he needs to know he hurt me.

Pelly418, on Jul 10 2009, 03:13 AM, said:

I do know wat your talking about my exgirlfriend would help me with what ever I needed, and I used to get frustraded and impatient with her because she shouldn't have to help me and it would make me upset, and she was the only one there so I would some what take it out on her, and I never meant to, but its hard to have someone help you wen it should be the other way around. But just give it time and he will stop getting impatient and frustrated with you.
I hope this helps,
Tony

[Pelly418]

Tell him he hurts you when he treats you like that, and doing that may do the trick and he will try harded not to get frustrated, and keep telling him you love him, and that you dont care that he is in a chair.

[CollegeGirl]

Being in that situation is hard for anyone. It's not easy having to depend on everyone to do everything for you all the time. On top of all of that, he is a man. Pride means so much to him and having to have someone he cares about take care of him is a blow to his dignity. You may not mind doing it at all, but he minds that you have to do it. He doesn't want to seem helpless. He still want to be the macho guy that sweeps the woman off her feet, but he can't do that. Instead, he has to have you cath him and help him out with everything. I'm sure he is trying, but it's hard to be patient when you have to deal with something every second of every day. Keep in mind that you are with him a few hours, so your patience only has to last that long, but his patience has to be never ending, which is hard when you have a beautiful girl that you are trying to be ramantic with. It's not easy for him. He doesn't want to be frustrated with you or the situation, but it may be very embarrassing for him.

I think it's great that you are sticking in there. It will just take time for him to get use to being a little helpless with you. Keep showing him that you care and when he makes comments just take it as a compliment that he cares about you and doesn't want you to see him as anything less than his idea of perfect.

Good Luck with everything!

[DustyP]

I swear to God that college girl has been reading my mind over the past two years and simply posted my thoughts. I just got out of a relationship that I was in for two years, and they feel that the very problem your having played a significant part in why it didn't work out.

Unfortunately, and I'm sad to say this, it seems that I amconstantly taking out my frustrations on those closest to me. And most of the time I'm not at all frustrated with them, but rather with myself and my situation. The thing is, I'm a guy's guy, and I never did and still don't like to rely on anyone to do things for me, but I have to. In turn, I basically end up resenting anyone who tries to lend a helping hand which is completely ass backwards. I'm struggling with this problem myself, and I'm well aware that it is happening but I just don't know how to work it out. I absolutely hate having to rely on people to do things for me

My girlfriend was great, completely willing to help with everything and anything I asked of her, and she never got frustrated with me either. But no matter what she did nothing was good enough because the fact remains I didn't want her doing it in the first place.

This may not be the most comforting thing to hear, but it sounds to me like your boyfriend is having the same psychological problems that I have (hopefully not as severe).

Wow, just writing this post has even been a bit of an eye-opener for me. I need help with things, that's not going to change, but I really feel that my attitude won't either. I can cope with the psychological torment of being in this situation day in and day out, but what I can't deal with is knowing that my situation takes away from the life quality and enjoyment that others should get while being in my company.

It pains me to say it, but this is one thing I don't think we'll ever change about me and because of that I fear that I will never be in a successful relationship again

Edited by DustyP, 10 July 2009 - 05:33 AM.

[tessa]

My bro also gets frustrated quite easily. Being reminded of the fact that you need help with some things and can't rely on you own self must be very hurtful.
And I can completely understand his anger because letting other people help you, does make your pride crumble a little bit.
The best ways to cope with it? Haven't found any, but usually I just ignore his 'moods', pretend to having to do some other business in the other room and come back after a little while. When he is struggling with himself I can't help him and I think he needs to be alone in this time to calm down again. Trying to cheer him up in such situations makes everything worse


Anyways, good luck to you two!

[qbounce]

Buff,
How recent was his injury, if you don't mind my asking?

As time goes on he may find other ways of adapting how to do those things he's always enjoyed on his own.

And that road is filled with disappointments and upsets. But there are triumphs along the way too.

I recommend you try laugh it off, or smile at him and say, "Take a chill pill."--lol Remain positive, and keep things lighthearted when he's frustrated. He's obviously angry at himself and his situation, and NOT at you.

Dusty--at least you've recognized a major issue you had with your last gf. That's a huge undertaking. In my experience, knowing my downfalls makes it a hell of alot easier to fix them.

[CareMomOH]

buff, on Jul 9 2009, 09:48 PM, said:

so i am the girlfriend of a quad. not sure his exact level of injury i think its c6 or something close. i have had to adjust to alot with him. i don't mind it i never get impatient with him. i love helping him. but he gets impatient with me. is it because he is impatient with himself and i am the one there for him to take it out on? i mean how can he get impatient with somebody that is helping him? if anything the frustration and impatience should be the other way around. anybody else have this issue?

Hi - I'm the mother of a para and have experienced the same thing. Sometimes its medication that shortens their tolerance and sometimes I think we all have a way of doing things and it's so hard to try and tell someone how you want something done. I do think also that they take it out on the ones they love because they know you will stick it out with them. But it's ok to let him know how it's affecting you. I've found it helpful to step out of the room, in the middle of some of the caregiving, to give us both a minute to think about it rather than say anything hurtful. Actions speak louder than words. Hope this helps. Just know you are doing a wonderful thing and hold onto that love for each other. It's probably hard for him to imagine that you could possibly still love him and is dealing with many fears of his own.

[buff]

qbounce-

he was hurt three years ago. he is still learning to do things on his own the first two years he refused to learn because he was so bitter but the last year he has learned to do basicallly everything. i think one of the reasons its so hard for him with me especially is that we knew eachother as children and have known each other most our lives and now that we are finally dating he is in this situation and he knows i remeber him before it. however i did not date him before it. he has voiced his concerns. i can tell when he gets insucure about it when he says stuff like "aren't you embaressed to be dating a guy in a chiar?" i always say "why would i?" i mean i chose him and fell in love with him after he was hurt. and he admits that if the roles were reversed he may be embaressed about dating a girl in a chair. which at least he was honest. although i don't think you can really know until you date somebody in one. because i never knew i could love somebody this much and the fact that he is in a chair does not matter to me. in a way i am sorta greatful that we did start dating after. i can't imagine the strain a newly paralyzed person would put on the relationship. they would always be doubting why you were still there.

thanks for all the feed back. i knew it wasn't me but its just nice to hear that other people go through the same stuff. when i think about it if i am really upset i will still take stuff out on my mom. not really get mad at her but call and whine about the situation to her. i guess it is cause you know they won't judge you.

i sorta feel that everything in my life up until now has prepared me to deal with this relationship. i was a CNA for 7 years and i am the oldest of three and i am also a single mother. all my life i have taken care of somebody its who i am. thanks all.

Edited by buff, 12 July 2009 - 04:16 PM.