14 replies to this topic

[buff]

ok i have a three year old son and i don't think i could leave him with my bf because my bf can barely take care of himself let alone keep a 3 year old that climb and jumps off everything in line. also my bf wants to have a child when we get married now i am not sure but i think that would technically make me a single parent untilt the child was like 5 or 6. how did other families on here manage? did the SCI parent help a lot? at what age did you leave them with them?

Edited by buff, 12 July 2009 - 09:18 PM.

[Travelling Blackbird]

I've watched my flat-mates' daughter several times, mainly for short periods, like up to 2 hours. She's just 2, and while she can run, climb and all the rest, I generally don't have an issue with her: We stay in the sitting-room and draw or watch TV or play with blocks, or we go to the kitchen and she sits up in a chair and eats half of what I give her. I just have to be strict with her, tell her no if she's starting to do something I couldn't deal with.

Discipline is essential: your boyfriend has to be allowed to be strict and strong and even dole out punishments like 3 minutes in the naughty chair. Child-proofing the space is important too: take out the sharp-edged coffee table and so on.

[gordonr]

buff, on Jul 12 2009, 09:18 PM, said:

ok i have a three year old son and i don't think i could leave him with my bf because my bf can barely take care of himself let alone keep a 3 year old that climb and jumps off everything in line. also my bf wants to have a child when we get married now i am not sure but i think that would technically make me a single parent untilt the child was like 5 or 6. how did other families on here manage? did the SCI parent help a lot? at what age did you leave them with them?

Dear Buffy,

I have just finished 12 years (four kids worth) of diapers as the "primary caregiver". Tell me what the exact injury, handicap, age and fitness level are, and I will try to give you some advice.

Best Regards,

P.S. Just as a teaser: I turned out to be able to do much more than either I or anybody else thought I would.

[ClaraTaylor]

Depends on the injury and indeed personality of both grown up and child.

I was looking after two under fives for 2 - 3 hours at a time only months after my accident (family friends in time of needs) at a time when I could barely shuffle around on crutches and spent most of the time picking myself up from the floor. But the kids were both really well behaved, understood that when I said no it meant no and their parents gave me full permission to use naughty steps / taking gold stars off the kitchen door / etc...
We spent most of our time in the dining room which was the most accessible room not only had it been kiddie proofed / didn't matter if my braces caught on the soft chair, but was next to the loo so I would only ever be yelling distance away if they got into trouble.

[dawnm]

We have a one year old and my husband has been able to look after her since she was born. He is a T3 paraplegic.

[wheeliebear75]

I think at least for myself it would help to know more about BF's level of injury & so on. Is his inability due to being relatively new to the world of SCI or is it from having a higher up injury or like me because I've got issues with TBI (brain injury)?

I can change a diaper of an infant in my lap or get on the couch or even floor & change a toddler. So I can do much of what is needed from birth......but that is me & with my level of injury.

Even if he can't do things like change diapers on a squirming 10 mo. old, there are things he can do without even moving anything but his head & face. And if he can use his hands enough to play peek-a-boo or feed a bottle to the baby it lets you take a shower or fix dinner........so it's still somewhat better (IMO) than being a single parent. Coloring, playing with blocks.....even if it means doing it on a sturdy & level table is great fun for little ones. And your son will be old enough for games like Candy Land, Chutes & Ladders, etc. if he isn't already playing these sort of games.

Discipline is PARAMOUNT! Whether it is the kids or the dog; don't listen IMMEDIATE reprimand. My kids have from time to time (like all kids) push the line of what they can get away with over a bit. When they don't listen they're punished for not having listened. IF they took advantage of my........shall we say short comings.......MAJOR DISCIPLINARY ACTION by not just myself but whom ever it is that CAN enforce it. They eventually learned that pushing things on a certain level was normal & was dealt with......take advantage of Mom being disabled & "the hammer came down" so to speak; made it worth their while to NOT take advantage of what I can't do.......and this is something we started as infants & was just carried over all the way til the girls are now in their teens & my son will be 12 in November.

Something to keep in mind. I had figured out a lot more of what to do & how to do it (just like AB mothers) by the time kids #s 2,3&4 came along than with my 1st. Her father HAD TO do a lot more with her for me than he did with the others........practice makes perfect & nobody makes a perfect parent EVER let alone on the 1st try......we just do the best we can (& that goes for AB, SCI & everyone else who is or will be a parent).

[gordonr]

buff, on Jul 12 2009, 09:18 PM, said:

ok i have a three year old son and i don't think i could leave him with my bf because my bf can barely take care of himself let alone keep a 3 year old that climb and jumps off everything in line. also my bf wants to have a child when we get married now i am not sure but i think that would technically make me a single parent untilt the child was like 5 or 6. how did other families on here manage? did the SCI parent help a lot? at what age did you leave them with them?

Buff,

We're still waiting to hear what kind of a handicap your guy has.

Best Regards,

Gordon

[buff]

gordonr, on Jul 12 2009, 07:26 PM, said:

buff, on Jul 12 2009, 09:18 PM, said:

ok i have a three year old son and i don't think i could leave him with my bf because my bf can barely take care of himself let alone keep a 3 year old that climb and jumps off everything in line. also my bf wants to have a child when we get married now i am not sure but i think that would technically make me a single parent untilt the child was like 5 or 6. how did other families on here manage? did the SCI parent help a lot? at what age did you leave them with them?

Dear Buffy,

I have just finished 12 years (four kids worth) of diapers as the "primary caregiver". Tell me what the exact injury, handicap, age and fitness level are, and I will try to give you some advice.

Best Regards,

P.S. Just as a teaser: I turned out to be able to do much more than either I or anybody else thought I would.

he is a c/6-7 he is mostly paralyzed from the waist down however he can not move his fingers

[Courtney]

My husband is a C6 and I have no problem leaving him alone with our children ages 7 and 4.............Your son will just need to be taught to listen to your boyfriend just as he would listen to you.

[buff]

ha... he is three he does not listen to me all the time. infact if he is tired or hungry he doesn't listen at all. which is why i am worried. i have had to learn to anticipate things before they happen with this little guy. like you have to be one step ahead of him at all times and be ready to be on your toes to catch him once he climbs up something cause he will fall. i can't tell you how many times i have had to fly across a room to catch him falling just in the knick of time.

[rue2you]

Well, as a mom of 5 and a week away from having my 6th child, it is important to me to be able to by able to "babysit" my own child without someone babysitting me! This is my first pregnancy paralyzed and raising my other child as an AB does not guarantee their safety! Kids are going to take tumbles and get hurt and they will heal. Sometimes the bumps and bruises help them in their little lives to know what they should and should not do. Not saying that we should be careless and not keep an eye on them, but you can't avoid every scrape. Your little guy could get hurt with you or anyone else watching. My kids are all 10 and under. My littlest child just turned 2. I have been alone with them many times and alone with just her many times, There are just things that I won't do by myself with her - like take her outside to play in the yard. She could get in the road before I could get across the yard. This would be much more major than a knot on her head! So, I would say. encourage your man to watch the little one. It was very frustrating to me for "well-meaning" friends to inform me that they were worried I shouldn't be home alone with my child. It made me feel stupid and belittled like my brain had quit working along with my legs.
I am paralyzed from my waist down and although I have full use of my hands, I think your man would be as capable of taking care of your little one now as he was before - maybe just tweaked a bit.
Just my 2 cents!!

[Illinois Boy]

When mine were little, I watched them, cooked on days I didn't work and my wife did.......
At the age when diapers weren't an issue..... Wouldn't have changed the damn things if I was able.....

Jim

[buff]

yeah my son has been hurt many times he seems to be fearless. he just had his last visit with the plastic surgeon. on easter this year he was having a very competitive easter egg hunt with himself and was running around a parked car, did not see the side mirror and managed to take himself out. he broke the cartalidge in his ear in 4 places they had to go in and totallly reconstruct the cartalidge. i am not worried about him gettin bumps and bruises but concidering he is three has had a reconstuctions surgery his head cracked open and stitched up 4x, cut his whole leg open from knee to ankle and had his finger stitched up. i am alittle worried about him but more worried to put something that stressful in my loves lap

[wheeliebear75]

Good grief! Well I'm going to go out on a limb here.

Is it honey's inability to watch the kid or the kid's inability to mind & not get hurt that is ACTUALLY the problem?

My kids have gotten hurt. When my eldest daughter crashed a go-cart into my neighbor's fence their dad wasn't home; I did have to have my friend's mom watch my other 3 along with my friend's son & my friend took us in & carried Susan as she was 10 & too big for me. If I was completely AB I still would have needed someone to watch my other 3 while I rushed the hurt one to the Dr. & mine aren't what you'd call "accident prone". But each kid has gotten at least one doozy where it required they be taken IMMEDIATELY in for medical treatment. Kids get broken arms & cuts & bloody noses.....THAT is a part of being a kid. And I'm telling you this as the mother of an ADHD son; have you though of having him evaluated for ADHD? My son leaps before he looks, can't pay attention to save his life, & has about a 30 sec. attention span; he is ADHD & it is like night & day when he has his ADHD meds vs. UN-medicated.

Just because a person is not able-bodied does not mean they would not make a perfectly good & loving parent. Maybe we can't teach a kid how to ride a bike; but we can show love, give guidance, and the list of what we CAN do goes on & on.

I had a CPS worker get called in......& because of our "circumstances" this supervisor decided that I was an unfit mother......on the basis of my disabilities NOT because I had done anything wrong or neglected my children in ANY way. This supervisor decided that children should be raised by "normal parents". This supervisor kept telling us we should sign them over. My now ex-husband their father was & is totally blind.....had been from birth, aside from what was caused by my accident I have ALWAYS been legally blind......(now ex-) hubby & I had met on a snow skiing trip just 5 months before I got hurt. We had to FIGHT to get CPS to leave us alone. When we had made sure that we had "proven" for long enough that the kids were just fine with us beyond a shadow of a doubt; we told him to leave. We had already spoken with lawyers from ACB (American Council for the Blind), CCB (California for the Blind), NFB (National Federation for the Blind) & gave them copies of this supervisor reading us the riot act of how disabled parents do NOT make good parents......and caught him on tape saying more than enough to "prove" this had nothing to do with our kids or our parenting & EVERYTHING to do with HIS way of thinking. Yes this is a somewhat of an extreme case as you ARE AB; but my point in telling you of my dealing with CPS is.........you will have to deal with the way OTHER people think of you as a family & there will be some people who don't think that people in wheelchair deserve to be parents. If you're unsure yourself.......how are you going to handle someone who is adamant that we shouldn't be parents & even worse is if one of those people happens to have a "position of power" as in my case?

[buff]

wheeliebear75, on Jul 21 2009, 04:14 PM, said:

Good grief! Well I'm going to go out on a limb here.

Is it honey's inability to watch the kid or the kid's inability to mind & not get hurt that is ACTUALLY the problem?

My kids have gotten hurt. When my eldest daughter crashed a go-cart into my neighbor's fence their dad wasn't home; I did have to have my friend's mom watch my other 3 along with my friend's son & my friend took us in & carried Susan as she was 10 & too big for me. If I was completely AB I still would have needed someone to watch my other 3 while I rushed the hurt one to the Dr. & mine aren't what you'd call "accident prone". But each kid has gotten at least one doozy where it required they be taken IMMEDIATELY in for medical treatment. Kids get broken arms & cuts & bloody noses.....THAT is a part of being a kid. And I'm telling you this as the mother of an ADHD son; have you though of having him evaluated for ADHD? My son leaps before he looks, can't pay attention to save his life, & has about a 30 sec. attention span; he is ADHD & it is like night & day when he has his ADHD meds vs. UN-medicated.

Just because a person is not able-bodied does not mean they would not make a perfectly good & loving parent. Maybe we can't teach a kid how to ride a bike; but we can show love, give guidance, and the list of what we CAN do goes on & on.

I had a CPS worker get called in......& because of our "circumstances" this supervisor decided that I was an unfit mother......on the basis of my disabilities NOT because I had done anything wrong or neglected my children in ANY way. This supervisor decided that children should be raised by "normal parents". This supervisor kept telling us we should sign them over. My now ex-husband their father was & is totally blind.....had been from birth, aside from what was caused by my accident I have ALWAYS been legally blind......(now ex-) hubby & I had met on a snow skiing trip just 5 months before I got hurt. We had to FIGHT to get CPS to leave us alone. When we had made sure that we had "proven" for long enough that the kids were just fine with us beyond a shadow of a doubt; we told him to leave. We had already spoken with lawyers from ACB (American Council for the Blind), CCB (California for the Blind), NFB (National Federation for the Blind) & gave them copies of this supervisor reading us the riot act of how disabled parents do NOT make good parents......and caught him on tape saying more than enough to "prove" this had nothing to do with our kids or our parenting & EVERYTHING to do with HIS way of thinking. Yes this is a somewhat of an extreme case as you ARE AB; but my point in telling you of my dealing with CPS is.........you will have to deal with the way OTHER people think of you as a family & there will be some people who don't think that people in wheelchair deserve to be parents. If you're unsure yourself.......how are you going to handle someone who is adamant that we shouldn't be parents & even worse is if one of those people happens to have a "position of power" as in my case?

they can't check him for ADHD for another year. usually his accidents are not connected to disobeying. he is just fearless. also i don't care what people think of our family. and my bf wants a child of our own. i just wanted to know where exactly he stood on watching my son. i would hate to ask him only to make him feel bad if he feels he can't help just yet. i am trying to put his feelings first. i know what children mean to him.

Edited by buff, 22 July 2009 - 03:00 AM.