[Karl187]

Hi there guys and gals, my name's Karl. I was injured in a motorcycle accident (not my fault) in November last year and spent from then to April in hospital and rehab. I'm now at home and I think I'm doing pretty well all things considered.

However, I am plagued by something that manifests itself whenever I go out. I am not scared of the outside world and I go out most days. My problem is anger and rage. I'm 22 now, but back when I was 18 I was put on a low dose of an anti-depressant medication that helped control both my depression and a violent temper.

But since my accident I have been fairly unable to control outbursts of anger that come out both in public and private, more often in public. Public lifts are my biggest problem. When I see a bunch of ABs riding down smugly and then staring at me like goldfish when I try to get on to the packed lift, I simply lose it. The stairs and escalators are but feet away usually and yet they insist on using the lifts.

I also have a problem with people who think that because I am in a wheelchair I am somehow unable to defend myself. I have not been fitter or stronger at any other time in my life. All that PT and all those transfers have made me very strong and very able. The other day a Roma gypsy, young fella, saw me in the street and clocked the Iphone holder around my chair's belt and made a bee-line for me. I was ready to lay him flat when my Mum re-appeared and he saw I was not alone and then veered away, staring me out. Strangely I relish the idea of someone trying to physically do something to me, like push my chair or something, just so I can rip them a new one.

In short I am worried about my short fuse and I am simply wondering whether any of you out there have experienced or experience similar things?

Karl187.

This post has been edited by Karl187: 30 July 2009 - 01:43 PM

[Yasko]

Hey Karl! Take it easy dude, life is short! I know exactly what you are going through, and I can only tell you, that with age and experience you will get wiser and calmer. My advice is to start doing any wheelchair sport, to spend time with other guys that are in similar situation like yourself. You might learn other, better ways of dealing with staff/things/people that piss you off. Good luck bud!

This post has been edited by Yasko: 30 July 2009 - 02:07 PM

[CR_L1]

Hi Karl,

You are not alone & I can relate to a lot of your post, as can many more on the site will I’m sure.
Everyday life is very different & with time you will learn to ignore peoples ignorance.
I found myself being very fiery at first & it took me a while to get that under control, if you start flying off the handle at everyone who looks at you or makes some half ass comment you’ll end up spending more time in the cells than on the streets.

You will find not everyone is like it, there are a lot of good people in the world but you don’t notice them.
If you let it, it will control you, you have got to bite the bullet & let a lot of it go over your head & be like water off a ducks back.

CR

This post has been edited by CR_L1: 30 July 2009 - 02:00 PM

[Doug]

For the most part I am an easygoing guy. I can ignore the normal gawking people and their comments no problem. Most people are more then happy to help me when I need it and I am very grateful for their help. But if someone were to try something like stealing from me or hurting me I wouldn’t go without a fight for sure. My chair weighs 300+ pounds and I’d do my best to cause some serious trouble to who in my opinion is beyond scum….”anyone trying to rob or harm a handicap person”.

Other then that try not to stress the crowd so much. Its human nature to be curious and some people don’t realize what they are doing. Try to focus on what your out for and having a good time. Save the rage for a good work out or for when you need it to save your self from harm. Let the rest go and enjoy life.

[Bob C]

Hey Karl,
I going to say a piece. Before my injury, I did not have a clue about disability, nor did most of my friends and family. What we knew was what we learned from the movies, TV, etc. Disabled people were helpless cripples to be pitied. Because of that we were awkward and inept when confronting people with disabilities. We were well intended, but mis-informed. We were not stupid, bad people. As a consequence of my disability, I and my family and friends learned and act differently. Whether you want to be or not, you are teaching the public. Do you want them to see that when you become disabled you do turn into a bitter, angry creature to be pittied?

As for the robbers, do you want them to pity you or fear you? If they see you as an equal member of the public, why should they not prey on you? Sometimes they will get a fight and sometimes not, just as with non-disabled people. Robbing anyone is wrong.

As for people using the lifts, are you saying you never used one or stared at someone, even a pretty lass, before your injury? Tell that to the wind.

If this does not strike a chord with you, I would next advise byou to try sucking on a lemon. Maybe that will help improve your disposition.

[edlee]

Thanks Bob,, I'm usually the one to do that.
ed

[wheeliebear75]

I think we all get PO'd at times. But what people see does make a difference & we can either react with anger or we can try & educate where possible.

I've got a lot of AB friends who USED TO use the larger disabled stalls when they used the restroom, but now because they've seen how I have to wait around for 5-10 min while the AB finishes up.......now they see how "just using it for a minute" can effect someone like me/us. Same thing with the lifts. And yes there are escalators & stairs but com'mon how often did you use them when you were AB? I know I would just use which ever seemed to be the least wait.......& if I had a bunch of packages or bags I'd use the elevator.

Per the almost getting mugged......well at least it was ALMOST. Do go looking for a fight but don't go down without a fight. Unfortunately there are those among the criminal world who do see us as "easy targets"; take what precautions you can by having valuables hidden & on your person.......and give em Hell.

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=BuKBK-SoxwQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUZ4-2uXvro...feature=related

[Karl187]

Thanks for your words guys, like most of you said- it will hopefully pass.
However, a part of me might not want it to pass. I don't want to be pitied, as someone mentioned. As far as I'm concerned, people can take their pity and shove it where the sun don't shine. What people think isn't important to me and never will be, if you are concerned by what others think then you aren't thinking properly. If I lash out verbally then I hope I can shame then into changing their ways, or perhaps just giving them pause for thought. I'm not saying I never used a disabled toilet or a lift when I was an AB, but I'm not anymore and there's no point going back there- here and now is what counts. Personally, I'm a forceful person, and my accident has made me a stronger person and I won't be walked on or slighted just because I'm in a wheelchair.

In hospital I met an inspirational guy who was paralysed from the neck down after a MotoX accident. He was probably the most outspoken person I'd ever met and wouldn't think twice of tongue lashing a doctor or nurse who tried to BS him or treated him wrongly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we shouldn't be doormats- if people can't see where they are going wrong then we should point it out, forcefully if necessary.

[Bob C]

Karl187, on Jul 31 2009, 01:46 PM, said:

Thanks for your words guys, like most of you said- it will hopefully pass.
However, a part of me might not want it to pass. I don't want to be pitied, as someone mentioned. As far as I'm concerned, people can take their pity and shove it where the sun don't shine. What people think isn't important to me and never will be, if you are concerned by what others think then you aren't thinking properly. If I lash out verbally then I hope I can shame then into changing their ways, or perhaps just giving them pause for thought. I'm not saying I never used a disabled toilet or a lift when I was an AB, but I'm not anymore and there's no point going back there- here and now is what counts. Personally, I'm a forceful person, and my accident has made me a stronger person and I won't be walked on or slighted just because I'm in a wheelchair.

In hospital I met an inspirational guy who was paralysed from the neck down after a MotoX accident. He was probably the most outspoken person I'd ever met and wouldn't think twice of tongue lashing a doctor or nurse who tried to BS him or treated him wrongly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we shouldn't be doormats- if people can't see where they are going wrong then we should point it out, forcefully if necessary.

Give them a tongue lashing if you must. But they will look at your wheelchair and see you as what you are...an angry dog behind a fence barking his head off. To me, being polite and civil is not a sign of weakness, but rather, shows strength of character. As with a fenced in dog, people can simply walk away from you. Do that often and you will find yourself quite lonely.

I have known a few like you: On the outside screaming, but on the inside crying, still trying to come to grips with the blow that has struck them from out of nowhere.

I wish you the best. You are at a crossroad we all come to: You can make the best of it and live a decent, rewarding life, or you can make the worst of it and mire in misery and loneliness for the rest of your days.

[edlee]

Let's see,,, you don't want to be pitied,, you want respect,,,

You get that, as an AB, by yelling at people? Rolling around with a chip on your shoulder will get you to the same places that it would walking around with it.

Get over yourself,, nobodies pitying you,, hell they don't really notice you,, except that you're in a wheelchair. Most of them don't see a dozen wheelchairs in a year. If you want to be known for your temper,, no problem,, everybody who meets you will remember the bitter cripple.

I get less upset with ABs who don't know how to act than I do with crips who have the same problem. We ought to know better. I certainly get mad at life,, some times more than others,, but I try not to take it out on anybody else. Don't assume to know what ABs are thinking when they gawk at you,, hell they would gawk at an elephant if it walked into the room,, so would you if you didn't see them often.

You don't want pity, don't do things to deserve it. If you don't care what others think of you,, why get mad about it?

If I pissed you off,,, ask yourself why,, then give me hell if you still want to.
ed

[Karl187]

Bob C, on Jul 31 2009, 08:54 PM, said:

Karl187, on Jul 31 2009, 01:46 PM, said:

Thanks for your words guys, like most of you said- it will hopefully pass.
However, a part of me might not want it to pass. I don't want to be pitied, as someone mentioned. As far as I'm concerned, people can take their pity and shove it where the sun don't shine. What people think isn't important to me and never will be, if you are concerned by what others think then you aren't thinking properly. If I lash out verbally then I hope I can shame then into changing their ways, or perhaps just giving them pause for thought. I'm not saying I never used a disabled toilet or a lift when I was an AB, but I'm not anymore and there's no point going back there- here and now is what counts. Personally, I'm a forceful person, and my accident has made me a stronger person and I won't be walked on or slighted just because I'm in a wheelchair.

In hospital I met an inspirational guy who was paralysed from the neck down after a MotoX accident. He was probably the most outspoken person I'd ever met and wouldn't think twice of tongue lashing a doctor or nurse who tried to BS him or treated him wrongly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we shouldn't be doormats- if people can't see where they are going wrong then we should point it out, forcefully if necessary.

Give them a tongue lashing if you must. But they will look at your wheelchair and see you as what you are...an angry dog behind a fence barking his head off. To me, being polite and civil is not a sign of weakness, but rather, shows strength of character. As with a fenced in dog, people can simply walk away from you. Do that often and you will find yourself quite lonely.

I have known a few like you: On the outside screaming, but on the inside crying, still trying to come to grips with the blow that has struck them from out of nowhere.

I wish you the best. You are at a crossroad we all come to: You can make the best of it and live a decent, rewarding life, or you can make the worst of it and mire in misery and loneliness for the rest of your days.

You've made the assumption I have not come to terms with my injury. I have, I got over it a while ago. For me its simply another challenge to overcome. I also know where the blow that struck me came from...it was elderly, driving a ton of metal with a numberplate and not paying attention. These kinds of blows always come out of nowhere...or do you believe they strike for a reason? Oh but then surely Hitler, as bad person, should have been crippled or killed. But no, that isn't the way of things, its not for us to wonder why...

I also don't need to 'mire in misery and loneliness' as I have plenty of family and friends I can rely on. Just because I get angry when people seem to take no responsibility for their actions doesn't mean I'm a lonely person or will end up as such.

As far as me being 'an angry dog behind a fence', thats just a really stupid thing to say. So what if they walk away...am I somehow incapable of following them...do I really care if they walk away or how they see me? Hell no and I never will. By nature I'm a quiet person, I don't go looking for confrontation nor do I sit and shout at people randomly for using lifts or parking in disabled bays. If I am waiting at a lift and some AB just walks on in after seeing me should I just be a little docile doormat and ask, 'Oh please kind sir...'blah blah blah. No, I reckon I'll just shout, 'Hey a*shole, outta the lift before I run your ass over!' Be a polite, retiring gent if you want but I think I'll do it my way.

This post has been edited by Karl187: 01 August 2009 - 06:34 PM

[Karl187]

edlee, on Aug 1 2009, 03:40 AM, said:

Let's see,,, you don't want to be pitied,, you want respect,,,

You get that, as an AB, by yelling at people? Rolling around with a chip on your shoulder will get you to the same places that it would walking around with it.

Get over yourself,, nobodies pitying you,, hell they don't really notice you,, except that you're in a wheelchair. Most of them don't see a dozen wheelchairs in a year. If you want to be known for your temper,, no problem,, everybody who meets you will remember the bitter cripple.

I get less upset with ABs who don't know how to act than I do with crips who have the same problem. We ought to know better. I certainly get mad at life,, some times more than others,, but I try not to take it out on anybody else. Don't assume to know what ABs are thinking when they gawk at you,, hell they would gawk at an elephant if it walked into the room,, so would you if you didn't see them often.

You don't want pity, don't do things to deserve it. If you don't care what others think of you,, why get mad about it?

If I pissed you off,,, ask yourself why,, then give me hell if you still want to.
ed

Why would you piss me off? So maybe you don't agree with the way I do things, and what? Perfectly reasonable to disagree, we're two different people. I don't roll around with a chip on my shoulder, I simply have a problem with perfectly able bodied people parking in disabled bays and using lifts when there is an escalator literally five feet away and a guy in a wheelchair staring in at them. Often people move about and make room as considerate people should but sometimes they don't and they stare at me, and others I see out and about. Its obvious what they should do, yet they don't...so I feel I should point out their error, forcefully if the need arises so they understand and don't do it again. Simple as that really. If you think thats going too far then fine, your entitled to your opinion.

[CR_L1]

Hay Karl,

Your posts are now becoming a little contradictory in places & you say you have got over your injury BUT HAVE YOU?
Form the tone of your reply it would seem you’ve still got a lot of anger, WHY?
I think you missed the point BobC was making completely & like an angry dog went on the defence.
If you don’t like the way people look at you while getting in a lift or the way they won’t make room for you (& why should they) then swallow a chill pill & get the next lift.
If someone pushes in front of you to get in then fine tell them where to get off I know I would.

Your life will never be exactly as it was before & like or not you have got to make sacrifices to be able to make your life that little bit easier.

You have nothing to prove here mate, everybody’s been there done it or doing it, saying how big & strong you feel & how you relish the idea of someone kicking off with you, would only suggest how you feel you need to prove yourself & how vulnerable you really feel.

I don’t think anybody has said anything out of order to you in this thread & if you do & you can’t accept what your being told then why start the thread.

CR

[edlee]

I'm not sure that we are all that different in what we feel, Karl,, just in how we react to it. I've only been at this for five years or so,, but what I have learned, that helps me the most,, is patience.

I get up when someone without a plate or placard parks in a marked spot,, but have found,, from experience,, that a lot of walkers need the close spots more than I do. Heart and breathing problems can't be seen from the outside,, even those fat ones with the placards, piss me off a bit,, but then I think,, even if they're fat they deserve the same respect as the rest of us.

The one thing that I have gotten vocal about is when in my van, legally parked,, and some a-hole parks next to me,, illegally,, blocking my access to my ramp. I've called the police and waited there till they ticketed the car (it had a placard but still parked on the blue lined area next to me). But I know the magistrate will toss it cause they're crippled, too.

I've had more trouble with people with placards than with ABs.

I guess it doesn't make much difference,, if you did the same when you were an AB, why should you change now that you are in a chair? But if you didn't then,, you gotta ask yourself,, why now?

I don't mean no offense,,,, just sayin'.
ed

[Karl187]

CR_L1- I admit its early days for me yet, coming up on 8 months now since the accident. I have come to accept my situation, being in a wheelchair. I could very easily be dead, and I'm not and I'm thankful for that. My anger stems from other problems I don't want to talk about publicly yet, its not about acceptance, not anymore.

I think at times we probably all feel a bit vulnerable, its the nature of our situation. I simply feel prepared to defend mysef, although I really hope the need never arises.

edlee- here in Northern Ireland there is a big problem with fake badges and people faking injury. I once knew about a guy who pretended to be blind- he wore dark glasses and used a white stick...yet was able to cross a busy road and scratch lottery tickets. Here its a societal problem. I've seen my fair share of people who might be fakers with plates pull into disabled bays and nip out of the car as well as anybody. Of course they might be picking someone up or perhaps they have something you can't see. There's no point in saying anything there because you really can't be sure. But there are plenty of idiots that park in disabled bays who don't have plates. I see a lot of old people doing this, and for a minute you might be irked by it, but then again they are old and probably less able than me in some ways, so you just find another space.

These things are just problems, I guess, we all have to put up with.

[wheeliebear75]

Lets face it we leave impressions on people; negative impressions are unfortunately the longest lasting & the most likely to stick in someone's mind. Do you remember the last 10 good waitress you've had as much as the one that gave lousy service or had a bad attitude?

When women don't have a clue as to do things like change the oil, tires (tyres for you Britts), & filter on their cars it gets assumed that "NO woman knows how to maintain their car"........which is NOT true, I've got some female friends who can take apart an engine & transmission & build them back up without even having to look anything up in how-to books. It is often assumed that we as women can't be mechanically inclined.

When you react in an angry manner the 1st thing that AB person will see is an angry cripple. As others said; sure I get upset when I can't park & I know damn good & well 1/2 the cars in the disabled spots probably don't even need them. Every mom with a young child takes the disabled stall cuz it not only accommodates our wheelchairs but is nice & roomy for the stroller & packages........& I'm doing the damn potty dance. But when she/they come out I can ask them in a firm but polite way to please be more considerate as I/we have no choice.......or I can sit there & call her an inconsiderate in front of jr., which just pisses her off rather than feeling embarrassed or ashamed.

We are stereotyped & what/how one of us in a w/c reacts does impact everyone else in a w/c, in my opinion anyway.

I think there are 2 types of "coming to terms"; the 1st is acceptance that this isn't going to go away or fix itself......& yes perhaps/I have no doubt that you've come to this stage.......you've stopped thinking it will "go away", but the 2nd is a deeper level of "coming to terms" it's where you have not only given up things changing/regaining function, but then there is the "moving on"......when you see yourself not as being of a different faction of people who are at war with those AB people but see yourself as all one who are just different.

I remember there being a little bit of anger anytime I saw a car that had a surfboard on it or ski equipment or bicycles. I even remember being upset cuz my 6yr old sister was spinning around in circles on the grass.......& even though we're 8yrs apart we always had spun around together til we got dizzy. So maybe that one sounds silly to some/most but it hurt me pretty deep to not do that anymore. I got upset cuz it hurt that my kids got piggyback rides from aunties & even grandmothers but never me. It wasn't until many many years had past that those things didn't hurt so much, but even though they hurt I tried not to take it out on anyone........it was my anger not their fault. It probably took a good 5-10 yrs to let go of the anger & hurt that I felt inside.

I think that is where you are at; there is still a lot of anger & hurt inside & it comes lashing out at people whether deserved or not it doesn't serve to make you or the other person feel any better.

[CR_L1]

Karl187, on Aug 2 2009, 07:07 PM, said:

These things are just problems, I guess, we all have to put up with.

You don't have to put up with them Karl, you just learn a new way of living with them.
Try to keep the green eye monster at bay, it's hard but it will help make life that bit easier,
All the best,
CR

[edlee]

I think it was easier for me, Irish,, I had already lost a few steps, even before the injury. As you get past fifty, you start resenting the stuff that the younger guys can do that you can't,, especially if you used to be better at it than them.

But the more it happens,, the less it hurts,, so I was at least a little prepared for that part of this mess I now call my life.

They say you should mellow with age,, like a fine wine.... Well,, I think I came up a bit more like vinegar.
ed

[fatcrx]

[quote name='Karl187' date='Jul 31 2009, 06:46 PM' post='121723']

In hospital I met an inspirational guy who was paralysed

Dalm you karl i thought you were talkin about me there. Sorry i havnt been in touch, you should have written your email on a bigger piece of paper. Look on the brightside bro, at least you dont have to get up at half 7 every forth day. Been watchin alot more nascar these days but im still a formula1 man tho.

[topperf]

Yasko, on Jul 30 2009, 03:46 PM, said:

Hey Karl! Take it easy dude, life is short! I know exactly what you are going through, and I can only tell you, that with age and experience you will get wiser and calmer. My advice is to start doing any wheelchair sport, to spend time with other guys that are in similar situation like yourself. You might learn other, better ways of dealing with staff/things/people that piss you off. Good luck bud!

+ 1 - You sound like a guy with an enormous potential in wheelchair rugby ..