12 replies to this topic

[Lucydog]

Sooooooo this summer we have been doing the rounds of family and friends, you know the old catch up thing. We are talking everything to acquaintances to close family here.

Our scenario is me, pregnant, with wheelchair, 5 yr old, 2 yr old and baby plus long suffering husband.

For a start most people expect us to go to their houses, not realising that a. I cant get into the house unaided, cant get to the bathroom, and we have small children to rampage around.

We try suggesting meeting on neutral territory, so they next suggest the most inaccessible town they can find with as many hills as possible, teeny tiny tea rooms that we would never get into in a month of sundays. Nowhere to park whatsoever and not a disabled loo in sight. Not forgetting that there is nothig for the boys to do except shops.

Once again we have called off something because our rellies fail to realise what an issue access is. Anywhere difficult and it falls to my husband to get everyone from A to B, I just sit and feel awkward anbout the whole thing.

I usually suggest some child friendly indoor museum ( its raining most of the time isnt it), thats either free or very cheap to get in, has outside parking, a decent cafe, loads of space for the boys to run round so we adults can talk.

But no this never seems to be any good for anyone else. Am I being so unreasonable to think that if someone wants to see us they could make a bit of effort? Im not asking a lot I dont think just for one afternoon.

To be honest Im getting a take it or leave it attutude, if people cant be bothered to make some small effort a couple of times a year then they are probably not worth it...........

Im trying very hard not to be offended, hurt or dissapointed in their attitudes. But in actuality Im all of these.

Edited by Lucydog, 14 August 2009 - 04:57 PM.

[Meadowlarkmark]

I have been in a chair since 1966 in all that time only one of my friends has ever made their homes accessibe/visitable and only one brother. My dad did build a ramp once which was always removed when I left. I had to always make arrangements to visit my parents home following my accident.
You are right it does hurt.

[KarenFerguson]

Geez, they should totally make an effort. Frankly, I'd be pissed too. Next time everyone wants to get together, just say ... I have the kids and need a somewhat accessible place ... really spell it out for them, most of the time AB's are totally oblivious. Also, you could try setting up the whole "event". Book time at a museum for kids crafts and a place for the adults to go, make reservations at a restaurant ...etc. Hope they wise up!

[Yasko]

Lucydog, on Aug 14 2009, 09:53 AM, said:

But no this never seems to be any good for anyone else. Am I being so unreasonable to think that if someone wants to see us they could make a bit of effort? Im not asking a lot I dont think just for one afternoon.

An unconsidered people, or I must say, they don't want to really see and/or deal with you and your family!
Family & friend who really care about you and missed you, would do anything possible to accommodate your needs just to see you.
Just my two cents.

[E-DOG]

Lucydog, on Aug 14 2009, 09:53 AM, said:

To be honest Im getting a take it or leave it attutude, if people cant be bothered to make some small effort a couple of times a year then they are probably not worth it...........

Ever read the instructions on a bottle of shampoo? Wash, rinse, and repeat.

Now apply those same instructions to what you wrote above. Read, assimilate, and repeat.

I think it's easy enough to figure out. They're NOT worth it!
Ya got hubby, the livestock, and all that that entails. It's enough.

E-dog

[ParaforGod]

Hi Lucy,
do whats best for you and your family and let the rest come to you and if not try not to worry about it because they should care how hard it is for you in the first place. I know this is hard because my Dad won't put a ramp on his house because it will ruin the looks of his home. It hurts, but I just don't go over anymore. Its to hard to get in, I slide on the ramps I have and I take a chance of falling so I stay home.
Don't get me wrong I love my family, but I can't do it all, they have to do their part also.

[ClaraTaylor]

My parents used to have to drag us (two children) and our grandparents (two more = two cars!) across the country (admittedly only the UK!) to visit family. I always used to wonder why they never came to see us but according to mum they "didn't like the long drive" even though the alpha male (for wants of a better term) on that side of the family would drive within 40 miles of us yet when he offered to drop them off for the day they'd tell us they were too busy (many the time he would phone them from our house having stopped by for a meal and rest they'd tell him they'd been in the garden all day or went to the cinema).

Years later I didn't attend one of their meets and got a very grumpy phone call from my great aunt telling me how rude it was that I wasn't there.
I offered to photograph the pressure sore I was currently resting and then asked if she was capable of taking my
sticks
ramps
chair
pillows (because her chairs are so low to the ground I have to raise myself up if I want to stand a chance of getting out)
You know the list....
Out of my car if I was able to find someone to load the car and drove down especially.

I found out later than mother was quizzed on why I needed this stuff ("has she not recovered from that yet?") - to anyone else you would have thought it, well obvious. Since then she's decided that if they wont a) think pay attention to what the family is doing c) come and visit us that she wont make trips to see them.

They still decline our offers for weekends up here which kinda shows you how little respect they had for us.

Tell your family exactly why you wont be attending the next meet up unless they notice the wheelchair and start paying you the respect you deserve. You've made enough sacrifices!

[wheeliebear75]

Well I don't think you're out of line at all! Just needing to have a couple of young kids in tow is bound to leave a lot of things out.......even if you didn't have any mobility issues.

I know how you must feel about their not wanting to come to you & wanting you to go to them. Got that all the time.......reason I say got & not get is because I did adopt a "either you come to me or never mind" attitude. Sure I can be carried into a friend's 2nd story apt. & put in a chair but then what? Anytime you need to use the restroom it means being hoisted up & carried in......which being carried while preggers is ANOTHER STORY ENTIRELY! I found being lifted while pregnant to be extremely uncomfortable, we end up having to use the restroom as often if not more than our AB counterparts, & to top it all off.......(at least for me) being pregnant meant less time that I could be sitting up comfortably in the 1st place.......so 2)30min drives wiped out a good chunk of the time I could have spent visiting........and very few "get it".

You go right ahead & set up a visit where ever is best for you & the boys; if they love you enough they'll show up to "meet us at _________, on__/__/__ at __:__", if not THEIR LOSS!

[edlee]

I've had much of the same,, but really don't care. It's not like they call me or email me, or come to see me,,, so my going to the trouble of going there seems counterproductive.

Family,,, much like friends sometimes,, have to get on with their lives,, I don't begrudge them that. After all,, this happened to me,, not them. It's mine to deal with,, not their's.

I've no hard feelings,, that allows me to enjoy it if any of them do happen to call or visit,,, I simply don't worry about it if they don't.

If you harbor resentment for their perceived ignorance,, the meeting can't be comfortable for anyone who takes part. My advice is to let it go,,, the less you expect of others,, the less disappointed you will be.
ed

[E-DOG]

ParaforGod, on Aug 14 2009, 02:07 PM, said:

I know this is hard because my Dad won't put a ramp on his house because it will ruin the looks of his home. It hurts, but I just don't go over anymore. Its to hard to get in,

This is unbelievable!
How could family do that to one another?

E

[E-DOG]

edlee, on Aug 15 2009, 09:37 AM, said:

I've had much of the same,, but really don't care. It's not like they call me or email me, or come to see me,,, so my going to the trouble of going there seems counterproductive.

Family,,, much like friends sometimes,, have to get on with their lives,, I don't begrudge them that. After all,, this happened to me,, not them. It's mine to deal with,, not their's.

I've no hard feelings,, that allows me to enjoy it if any of them do happen to call or visit,,, I simply don't worry about it if they don't.

If you harbor resentment for their perceived ignorance,, the meeting can't be comfortable for anyone who takes part. My advice is to let it go,,, the less you expect of others,, the less disappointed you will be.
ed

Ya know Ed, in a sense yer right. One should never have expectations. They are nothing more than resentments waiting to happen.
But Ed, they're FRIGGING FAMILY! Not some drinkin' buddy down at the bar.

"no hard feelings" "don't begrudge them that" "happened to me, not them"
BULLSHIT! Ya don't treat family like that. Especially a member who's had a traumatic injury. Or was born disabled.

But then again Ed, it sounds like from reading your post here, any family member of yours would sooner spend a few hours crawling on broken glass just to get to the liquor store for a pack of cigarettes than take a few minutes to visit you. Could it be that sparkling personality of yours?
NAH!
I reckon some folks are just that way. Sometimes it's a cultural thing. I don't know.

But I do know this. There is not one single human being on this planet who would give a rat's ass if I were to die tomorrow. And although I've learned over the years to live with that, it doesn't make me feel happy, joyous and free. And that's a fact.

Take it from someone who knows. Family is everything, no matter what. And to be treated like yer a piece of shit by people who should love you unconditionally hurts. Bad.
If a brother, uncle, whatever does something really stupid and gets arrested, ya kick his ass. But first ya bail him outa jail, then ya kick his ass.

Just my dos centavos,
E-dog

[greybeard]

E-DOG, on Aug 16 2009, 05:14 AM, said:

But I do know this. There is not one single human being on this planet who would give a rat's ass if I were to die tomorrow.

Then you got it wrong, old buddy.

You greatly underestimate how well regarded you are by the folks in this forum.

Jeez....... Don't you realise just how many of us eagerly wait for your posts?

Why?

Because your humour helps lighten peoples' loads. .......And they/we appreciate it.


(D-I-L-L-I-G-A-F ? -- Oh yes you do!)

Edited by greybeard, 16 August 2009 - 08:38 AM.

[edlee]

Hey,dog,,, in a lot of ways you are right ,,, but I've come to this conclusion,, thru a lot of heartache and a bit of resentment and anger.

If I want to be able to enjoy ANYBODIES company,, I have to take them as they are,, not as I would like them to be. You're right ,, they are family,,, I want to be able to spend time with them and enjoy it,,, something one can't do if you remain angry about what they did or didn't do.

The only things you can change are those you control. I can get mad about what someone WON"T do,, or be happy about what they will. I'll go with the latter. Learned that from being shot down a lot in bars,,, try'em again tommorrow night, they might be drunker.

Oh,, and the thing about resentments waiting to happen,,, I might have to borrow that as my ,,Is avatar that thing below your posts??? Well whatever they call that line down there. Unless you have a copyright on it that is.

I tried to explain this to my daughter a few days ago,,, and apparantly didn't do a very good job of it, as my wife tells me she was hurt by what I said. Sometimes the words we use are not defined exactly the same by others. I told her that although I love her and her brother with all my heart,, if they never called me again,, that it wouldn't bother be. I see ,,now,, that what I was trying to convey,, could have been done better.

What I was trying to get across is that whether they call or not,,, I will not stop loving them or start resenting their inactions. The idea is " I'm here if you need me" which you hear all the time,,, but on a deeper level.

Thanks guys,,, I needed to try it out here, before I hit her with it.
ed