[Myssa]

I really don't know where to start but I need some help, my Husband Brady became a c-5 quad on March 5th of this year and has been home for about a month now but seems to be getting worse. He did very well wile in rehab but since coming home it's all went down hill. This morning he creid to me he just wants his life back, he wants to be the husband and father he use to be. I don't know what to do to help him, the only time he's happy now is when he's with our son and daughter. Is there really a way to help him other then loving him???

[qbounce]

While I was dealing with things at the hospital, everything seemed surreal to me, as if I were dreaming and would eventually wake up, back to my old self. You know, the heavy pain meds they gave at the hospital probably contributed to that euphoric, in the clouds feeling too. But once I got home, everything became more soberingly real.

I can't say how your husband will be tomorrow, or even next week. I went through bouts of depression especially the first year. For me, things got much better after year number two. Just listening to him vent sometimes is all he can ask for. Give him space to try doing things on his own as much as possible.

And, give yourself a break when you can. Your carrying alot more weight than is sometimes realized or accredited to you.
Wishing you both well.

[allister]

Hi

Just being there is all you can do.

We all go through the depression, the regrets, the highs. We set our self unrealistic plans, only to stumble at the first hurdle. We pick ourselves up and try again.

He has to learn a new life himself, what he can do, and what he can't do. Once he has learned and recognised his immediate boundries, he can then empower those he love's with this new knowledge .

With this knowledge, you will then be able to stand back and let him carry on as befor with all he can do. You will also know when to be at hand to guide and assist him where HE needs you to, unlike befor.

You will , for quie a while feel helpless, But remember you too have a life, and life goes on. Still go to the mall with friends, to the park with the children. If he doesn't want to, don't let it stop you or the family from living a "normal" life. When he's ready, he'll join in, like befor.

I suffered a relatively minor spinal injury due to an RTA in 1984, It wasn't until 2001 through progresive degeneration that my lower spine herniated, I had to stop work then at the age of 36, stop being a provider, and I began to use a wheelchair outside the home. It wasn't untill this year, july 13th 2009 that I became a 24/7 wheelchair user, paralysed from waist down, when my spine had had enough.

Myself and my familtyhave had periods of adjustment. After 2001 it took me 3 years to learn how to put socks back on my feet. I was so proud that I had mastered this simple task!

Currrently I am in a care home, awaiting for a care package and home aids to be set up so I can go home. I have so much to re-learn again, and I will re-learn again.

This post isn't all about me, its about understanding needs. Your needs, the needs of your children, the needs of your husband.

From your husbands point of view he will see this as...His needs, the childrens needs, and lastly your needs. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he just presumes his needs are your needs. This is the voice of experience.

By being there for your husband when he needs you, thats all he needs. To see that not only family life goes on, but life outside still goes on, is the drive he needs to take an 'active' roll in it again, and he will do. May be not this month,next month, but start to involve him in planning for forthcoming celebrations, Thanks giving - Birthdays - Christmas. Its a start, a diversion , something new to draw his mind, He's still got a lifetimes worth of planning to do .

Best wishes to you all, you will make it through.
Al

This post has been edited by allister: 20 August 2009 - 02:40 AM

[Denny]

I still feel low when I have nothing to do, or things I want to do but cannot due to disability. I suggest getting your husband involved in activities, so that he find out for himself what he can do. Get him out of the house, meet people that itself can help a lot. Depending on his ability there are many activities that any one can get involved with. Wheelchair rugby (aka murderball) is played only by Tetraplegic, and their video could be inspirational. http://www.amazon.co...s/dp/B000B5XP24
It is hard, and difficult to cop with reality, but try to get him focus on what he can do rather than what he cannot.

[mcferguson]

I know it is very hard as I have three children of my own and I've been injured almost 9 months. Everywhere I turn I run into my limitations and things I can no longer do with my children. When it gets too much for me, I pray to God and tell Him I need help and He answers me and lifts my spirits. Those times are getting fewer and farther between, but I still pray throughout the day mostly thanking God I am still here. It helps keep the focus off myself.

Another thing you husband will learn is that your children are just glad he is still around. My five year old son just said out loud this past weekend as we were driving back from a baseball game, "I'm glad Daddy is back with us" and he told me last weekend that, "I love you even if you never walk again." Let me tell you, those are sweet words to hear.

Something that took me a long time to realize is that my legs don't make me who I am. I pray your husband comes to that realization as well.

Also, encourage him to join a forum like this. It is definately helpful to realize you are not alone in your situation.

[Illinois Boy]

It's funny how in the hospital surrounded by people like me and worse you tend not to notice or dwell on the past....... But when you get home and everyone else is up walking and enjoying a normal life, it hits you like a ton of bricks......
Fortunately I went back to work [part time] and ran sound and lights for my old band on the weekends....
He definitely needs to find something to keep him occupied........

My kids were 1 and 2 years old when I was injured, they didn't quite understand why daddy no longer was able to carry them on his shoulders and play with them like he used too.... But they knew me as dad and we found new ways to play together, they also became very protective of me......

Best wishes.....

Jim

[Myssa]

I want to thank you all for you're kind words, they give me some much needed hope