8 replies to this topic

[walkinonsunshine]

i have now been injured for just over four months, and i can't seem to see things in a positive light. rehab was a great place to learn things in a controlled environment...life is not like that. i have not gone back to work and i am scared for when i do. i can go back to my job, and i know that i am lucky in that respect, but it is a lot to think about. i am worried that people will pity me, i mean, i pity me, and i have been at it day in and day out. i don't know what work will be like, and if it is anything like going home...i can't take it. how do u all do it? i want to be positive, and i don't want pity, but getting back in my routine is hard. i hate people looking at me as though they feel bad for me, and working around me. i can't see anyone wanting to be with me, and deal with this. all the people on this forum seem so settled, and comfortable. everyone here seems so comfortable with themselves, and i want that too..what can i do? any advice from people who have more experience in this....help!!

[doublelibra]

Hi Walkinonsunshine, Welcome! This is a very good group to participate in. There is a lot of knowledge and support when you ask. What you are going through is natural, and most, probably all of us have gone through similar feelings. We have experienced a loss to one degree or another. I know I lost many of the abilities I once had. Any loss involves grief, and each person goes through that process in their own individual way. Some of us, including me, went through counseling to facllitate that process. It's only been 4 mos. you say, and that's not long at all. If and when you return to work and get into a more "normal" routine that may help. You don't say whether you have family, friends, some sort of support network. If you have any questions or just need to vent, don't hesitate. Feel free to send me a PM any time, too. I was injured in 1991. It took me a long time to adjust. I wish I could have come across this type of group soon after my injury. I had/have lots of friends, but almost none who are disabled. I think that was partly why it took me a long time to adjust. I'm glad you're here. Tell us more about yourself if you want to. -doublelibra

[sarcak]

When people first see you they pity. This happens always. You must admit that. It is hard to get use to somebodies pity you.

I have never get used to this. I only could admitted that.

I have been SCİ for 30 years. When people pity to me it still hurts my feelings.

Edited by sarcak, 08 September 2009 - 09:54 AM.

[Karl187]

Hey walkinonsunshine, welcome to the forum- hopefully you'll find the support you need here.

First off, what doublelibra said about it being early days is very true. At four months I was still in hospital and a lot of other people have much longer stays than four mounths. So, basically, you've been dropped back into real-life very quickly and we all know here how difficult the adjustment is from a protected environment to the real world. Give it another while and it will become easier- it probably took you a while to adjust to being in hospital, and it sounds like you got through that without any real difficulty- the step into the real world again will be similar, a period of adjustment is normal.

Your also fortunate that you can go back to your job when your ready, thats not always the case for people with sci. Think of this as a positive, a goal to work towards.

As for pity from people, thats a difficult one. Just because people look at you doesn't mean they pity you. Kids will stare at people in wheelchairs- but not out of pity, more likely curiosity. I often think that is why most people stare, mere curiosity. Sometimes you might see the pity on their faces, but for me, anyway, they can take it and shove it. I don't want nor need their pity, nor anyone elses. Let them pity you all they want, if they try and act on that pity in a way you dislike (e.g: somebody helping you with a task you can do perfectly well by yourself) then tell them not to, forcefully if need be. It doesn't matter if other people pity you, the important thing is not to pity yourself.

[Denny]

Hi Walkinonsunshine, I was injured 6 years back and I went through similar feeling. 2 months after discharge I was back at work and started with half day for a month. To start with I made few visits to office, met my friends, checked my desk area etc. This helped me when I started work cause I had already talked to those friends and they have knew what to expect. While others (and myself) getting used to me in wheelchair I had a circle of good friends for whom it was nothing new and treated me as I am. Different people react differently, some pity, some offer extra support and some treat you as you are. I was lucky that most my friends did not find much change in me (crazy as ever) we talked about my injury shared the what ever accidents etc. I always ignored pity, sympathy, and changed subject. To start with I felt that every one is staring at me, and I knew it, I did not bother reacting, nor eye contact, I let them stare, and in few days they all got used to me or I stopped noticing. Some may not know how to approach you, and don't be surprised if few take more time before they approach.

At work my colleagues don't treat me any different, but they do help if there is a task that I am not able to do due to my disability. I have not lost a single friend due to my injury, in fact I made many more friends and many more close friends. Believe in yourself, you can do it, and you will soon find people looking up to you and wondering How the hell you do it.

I have changed my job 2 years after my accident, and I felt no pressure at all in joining new work place, did any one stare? I don't know and don't care anymore.

[Lucydog]

As everyone says 4 months is nothing, I think it takes a couple of years for most people to start feeling comfortable with themselves. The fact you have a job to go back to is great, dont underestimate its value. As for pity, Im not sure people pity us, its more curiosity, surprise, and admiration, yes they will think you absolutly marvellous and before long will tell you so.

A couple of techniques have helped me and continue to
1. When you have a good day, be able to congratulate yourself and realise how good you are doing.
2. On a bad day, I look at the clock and think this time tommorrow 'this' will be finished with, I just need to get through the next x hours....
3. If Im feeling nervous in new situations which I do a lot really, I pretend Im acting a part. Sounds really stupid but it sort of works.
4. Smile and smile and smile. You will get positive reactions from people and you yourself will feel better.
5. Remember everyone has their own personal tragedy whatever it may be that they live with, so try not to pity yourself too much, just a little is fine.

You will find many wise words here, you dont say where you live but some kind of mentoring might be helpful.

take it easy
L

[Trinity]

walkinonsunshine, on Sep 7 2009, 10:43 AM, said:

i have now been injured for just over four months, and i can't seem to see things in a positive light. rehab was a great place to learn things in a controlled environment...life is not like that. i have not gone back to work and i am scared for when i do. i can go back to my job, and i know that i am lucky in that respect, but it is a lot to think about. i am worried that people will pity me, i mean, i pity me, and i have been at it day in and day out. i don't know what work will be like, and if it is anything like going home...i can't take it. how do u all do it? i want to be positive, and i don't want pity, but getting back in my routine is hard. i hate people looking at me as though they feel bad for me, and working around me. i can't see anyone wanting to be with me, and deal with this. all the people on this forum seem so settled, and comfortable. everyone here seems so comfortable with themselves, and i want that too..what can i do? any advice from people who have more experience in this....help!!

I think one of the hardest parts in the first year of being injured is leaving rehab, it's amazing how quickly you become institutionalised, your day is pretty much worked out for you, going home and knowing that you are actually now on your own to get on with things is very daunting. Going back to work is like going back to school after the long summer holiday, you get the nerves and apprehension the same way, wondering what people are going to say and what they are going to think but in reality it is never as bad as you think it is going to be. Sure people may be a little intrigued and as Lucydog said, you will be told how amazing you are etc. Everything soon gets quickly forgotten as you slip back into the old routine. It took me over a year to go back to work partly because I didn't feel ready and partly as I was unable to go back to my old job, I ended up getting a different job within the same organisation.

As for everyone seeming comfortable and settled with themselves I can assure you this is not the case. I still have horrible days where I hate everything about me and my life, the forum has helped me and many other people to realise that there is life after sci.

Most of the looks you get are not pity but more of curiosity as Lucydog mentioned. I would possibly be the same, I have never socialised with anyone with a disability and until I ended up disabled it was a whole different world which had no influence on my life. I hate the stares and the looks and the comments but I don't let them bother me generally anymore but it took time. Four months isn't long, I have only been injured 2 and a half years and am still learning!

[isobar]

Hi




          This response is a year later than your original post and i hope you've gotten answers to some of your questions from the experience of just living life with an SCI injury. How people view you has alot to do with you... your own perception of yourself and how you carry yourself. That was true when you were walking and is true now although your circumstance is different. As you learn new things about yourself so will others. If you dont want people to pity you be pitiless do what you can whenever you have to even if it takes a little more time....be very persistent about it and you'll gain their respect. I carry a adjustable cane with me... its my personal doorman. The more people see you doing things on your own they'll have no reason to pity you.... they'll realize you're a capable human being. Hey in a given situation you may have to help one of them you know. In the beginning no one knows what to expect as with anything else in life you live a day at a time that's all you can do....as you go through it you learn to cope, adjust , adapt and live. There's someone for you... you just have to meet them socialize as much as you can. There are people on this site in relationships living thriving fulfilling lives and so can you... time will tell. Certain aspects of life wont change because of an injury...... it's the way it is and that's just it. Life gives and takes...sometimes leaves us empty or full....brings joy and pain...makes us laugh and cry but without any of this who would we be..... each thing is a part of a sum of who we've become. You never know maybe your Cherie` amour is right around the corner.     




                                                                                                  Take care i wish you well.

[pinkcloud]

[quote name='walkinonsunshine' timestamp='1252316633' post='129102']

Hi walkinonsunshine

Well your pick of name seeems to be that of a positive light rather than a name like wallowinblackhell so this is a good sign

Ahhh i note you see thst most people on the forum are happy and settled so it seems your picking out the right posts to look at for inspiration, as a lot of them are not and its here where you may feel you are not alone, on your down days. Although i have always been very positive there have been times when the t-spine troubles were so painful and restricting i just didnt know how i could cope and didnt think things would ever get better.

I am now at a comfortable level with a sedate life to what was before but feels like a full life now. This is because i have changed me head set. Working? Cant help you on that yet as its gonna be some time yet before i sm lucky enough to walk that path. 4 months post injury? Well thats some amazing ability you got going on there.

First thing, accept yourself. I am sure if you think back to being AB people were attracted to you because of who you are, as you change in life - so will the people you are with or you drift apart. be it as an ab or sci. As you change so do the people you attract. Pity - ahh yeah you will get this, use it as a way for others in the world to feel good, flipping heck, its good for peeps to know they have done something good in life. You will see a lot more kindness out there in the world, if you see it this way. If it comes accross as pity, its normally because they just dont know how to handle things - yet. And of course there are some real nasty peeps out there. Do as you would do before. Ignore them and thank your licky stars you dont have to go home and spend ya life with them. Its a good filtering out process as a friend on here told me.

Romance - same thing i suppose. As long as you dont put your self worth down as you have to live with an injury, and thus attract a nasty one who will take advantage of your vulnerability - what you going to loose? Bad boys/girls who think no further of themself?
Thats a big loss - not

I hope this helps at least a little. And if its any consulation, I have been told i ought to be in a chair due to the pain levels and i am not. And why? Good support in real life and on here - a lot on here. So theres another happy story for you. I put up a 't-spine' thread - as I was told time and time by the medics it is so rare to get this inury because of the protection of the ribs. Maybe have a look on there if you got some weird pains/sensations - you will find you are not alone and that I am not always that positive sadly, but it dosnt last long.

All the best, Miss cloud

Edited by pinkcloud, 07 October 2010 - 08:18 AM.