24 replies to this topic

[Mrs.Quinn]

Well me and my bf broke up on my birthday so I went out the next night and got completely trashed. Mad as I was I came home trashed and woke up with him kicking me out. Apparrently I was talking so much shit to him about breaking up with me. I couldn't tell you if it was the truth or not casue I don't remember anything that night. But here's the problem I am his primary caregiver and I begged him to allow me to stay (after a million sorries) and told him I want to at least care for him until hes back for his second phase of rehab. I know I said some harsh things that night and we have been fighting alot but I just don't understand how after all this giving, giving, and giving he would just stop? He says he wishes things were different but they aren't and they he loves me but its not going to work.
Mind you I feel like we are at the hardest time in our life and I am allowed a few break downs and screaming hours, aren't I?
I know maybe I have been depressed lately & that could lead up to a few arguements but who doesn't argue?
Well the main question I have is I have a one way ticket to Californnia just waiting for me and I do not feel right leaving him but if he doesn't want me anymore is it worng for me to leave?
I love him so much, I have tried everything I possibly can to be with him and I know the biggest factor in the relationship was the sex. I wanted too much of it and he wasn't ready. It stressed me out that I couldn't sleep with him in the same bed. Lay with him, barely touch him and the sex was missing. I know I was wrong for wanting and wanting and wanting...
I don't know what else to say... he doesn't want me back but I justr can't seem to leave.....

Who will care for him the way I do?
Who will turn him every 4 hours, wash his clothes, make his bed, help him bathe, and hold him when he cries? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[pistol_pete]

He seems to need a lot of care for a T 11.

Maybe he doesn't need so much done for him.

Let go.

[ClaraTaylor]

Go.
He can always call you back?

[fenty]

I'm a T4 complete and I turn myself, wash myself, dress myself, cook for myself/my wife/my son, get myself to work in the morning and earn to pay the bills...... I have minded my son for weekends when my wife went on trips.....

Basically, he shouldn't need you to be the care giver. If he becomes more independant then you can see your relationship in a healthier light, where it is just two people who love each other, without the external obligations you feel to look after him.

With that pressure of caregiving removed you can focus on being man and woman, rather than man and woman/nurse/cleaner.

[sweetabouthim]

You obviously love him a lot. Maybe he needs some time on his own to learn to look after himself.

[qbounce]

Mrs. Quinn,
How new is his SCI? Did he have head trauma? Is he still wearing a back brace? Others have offered advice as to his level and what his abilities SHOULD be, without taking into consideration your present circumstances.

If he's still a virtually new SCI, things will definately improve. This year is the hardest, but near the end of it you should notice his ability to do most things himself (as others attested to).

Maybe a break will get him on the road to his independance.
Go to California for now, and continue your support by phone. If you both truly love each other, the distance and time apart will only prove your solidarity toward one another.

Good Luck

[allis53ca]

Who will turn him every 4 hours, wash his clothes, make his bed, help him bathe, and hold him when he cries?

sh*t...i'm a c4 and don't have someone to do all that..sounds like a "mom" job, not a girlfriend..wanna come live in my motorhome with me ?

Edited by allis53ca, 22 September 2009 - 06:57 PM.

[edlee]

Get on the plane, Jane,,,,,, Bus, Gus??? ,,,,

From your prior posts,, you seem to do an awful lot for him. I'm with Q in wondering why. Either way, it's his decision,, not yours. A month or two in Cal. might be the best thing for both of you.

Sometimes you can't win,,, Quinn,,,,, get yourself gone.
ed

[Mrs.Quinn]

Well reason why I do so much is cause he has a brace on, it's alot more then just that though. His injury was casued by my ex husband and his friend. Long story, we talked it out a bit and things are getting better but for us getting back together? I am not sure what will happen, I feel like I owe it to him to be here...

[ShatteredShield]

Have to say sounds like hes getting treated like a child a tad bit to much. I'm a recent injury too. I constantly have to fight to keep my family from treating me like an infant. Give it up.

[pistol_pete]

Well reason why I do so much is cause he has a brace on, it's alot more then just that though. His injury was casued by my ex husband and his friend. Long story, we talked it out a bit and things are getting better but for us getting back together? I am not sure what will happen, I feel like I owe it to him to be here...

I don't know your full story and as such can't comment too deeply on your relationship, but from what you have written it seems that what is keeping you with him and possibly stifling his independence is guilt. Why do you feel you owe it to him to stay? Was the cause of his injury malicious or accidental? It sounds like what happened surrounding his injury is part of a torrid triangle. Perhaps he needs to move forward and letting go of you is part of that process. If he really wants you to go then go, but let him know you'll be there for him whenever he needs you.

Love from Auntie Pistol.

[Mrs.Quinn]

Eh I never mean to treat him like a child, but I guess I could see it. Maybe it is alot of guilt but its also love. I imagine how things could be now and when he recovers and it makes me want to hold on.

It's all werid now though casue I am still here, he still calls me baby and tells me he loves me but makes it fully clear that we are just friends.

*sigh I'm just a stupid girl in love.

[ohio4282]

Mrs.Quinn, on Sep 23 2009, 03:22 PM, said:

Eh I never mean to treat him like a child, but I guess I could see it. Maybe it is alot of guilt but its also love. I imagine how things could be now and when he recovers and it makes me want to hold on.

It's all werid now though casue I am still here, he still calls me baby and tells me he loves me but makes it fully clear that we are just friends.

*sigh I'm just a stupid girl in love.

Without having much to really go on, I have a few thoughts to add. Mainly that is sounds like both of you need to sort out how you feel.

Guilt is not a positive thing to carry around in a relationship, even when love is present. If I feel guilty over something, I can never tell if I'm acting out of that guilt or out of love.

If he is treating you like a friend, maybe a friend is all he needs right now. And maybe that is all he feels he can be at the moment. Nothing but time will change that. And there is no way to guarantee if time will change that. Imagining how things might be someday and holding on to that isn't a good idea for the same reason. I know it sucks sometimes, but all you have is the present. So maybe it is time to let go and leave the future alone. If it is meant to work out, it will. But there is no forcing it and causing yourself a world of hurt in the process.

Edited by ohio4282, 23 September 2009 - 09:04 PM.

[Mrs.Quinn]

you know I have to post that on my computer screen or tattoo that on my hand. That was the best advice I have had in a long time. Thank you!
Sometimes the wait and the not knowing gets hard and I find myself crying for no reasons but you are absolutly right all he needs is a friend right now and I will try to be that friend. I guess nothing is ever enough for me but I will keep this as a reminder, cause I am not hurting anyone but myself. Thank you once again.

Edited by Mrs.Quinn, 24 September 2009 - 10:31 PM.

[Mrs.Quinn]

UPDATE*
We took some time to sit down and have a talk about everything and over the past 3 or 4 weeks we have managed to rekindle our love. Thank you all for your advice!

[ohio4282]

Glad you worked it out. :-) Always remember to keep talking. Open, honest and frequent communication can do more good than most people realize.

[AndrewB]

pistol_pete, on Sep 21 2009, 11:48 PM, said:

He seems to need a lot of care for a T 11.

Maybe he doesn't need so much done for him.

Let go.

My thoughts exactly pete, kinda strange a t11 needs THAT much care.

[MxDisasterGrl]

AndrewB, on Oct 11 2009, 04:51 PM, said:

pistol_pete, on Sep 21 2009, 11:48 PM, said:

He seems to need a lot of care for a T 11.

Maybe he doesn't need so much done for him.

Let go.

My thoughts exactly pete, kinda strange a t11 needs THAT much care.

Ya, i think it's great that you have supported him through all of this. I have literally had NO ONE to support me. My bf lives w/ me, but says it's just too much for him to do things. Every now and then he may wash some clothes or make some dinner. For the most part i'm still a full time worker, full time mother, and full time housegf/maid. I drive my standard w/ no hand controls, take my kids to all their sports games, coach them, drive my lil girl to dance 3 times a week. I never got to even go to therapy, i live in such a small town that the only place is pretty much just a gym. I kind of gave up on myself improving and focused on my kids and bf, so, i can't even imagine having all that kind of help. My bf got me the motocross bike that hurt me, so i think there's also guilt there. Well i know, he's told me in arguements before. We fight seriously every other day and bad. I know he's bringing me down more than helping. Always saying how this is too much on HIM! But i'm also a stupid girl in love, and losing something else right now is a really hard thought to imagine. If he's so avid about you leaving i would get out while i could. Paralyzed or not, he shouldn't be able to mistreat you. There are plenty of other paras out there that would really appreciate you and what you're worth. If you plan on staying girl, i would make some demands that he does more for himself, brace or not, and make sure he appreciates and respects you. That needs to overcome the damn guilt.

MxDisasterGrl, on Oct 11 2009, 05:05 PM, said:

AndrewB, on Oct 11 2009, 04:51 PM, said:

pistol_pete, on Sep 21 2009, 11:48 PM, said:

He seems to need a lot of care for a T 11.

Maybe he doesn't need so much done for him.

Let go.

My thoughts exactly pete, kinda strange a t11 needs THAT much care.

Ya, i think it's great that you have supported him through all of this. I have literally had NO ONE to support me. My bf lives w/ me, but says it's just too much for him to do things. Every now and then he may wash some clothes or make some dinner. For the most part i'm still a full time worker, full time mother, and full time housegf/maid. I drive my standard w/ no hand controls, take my kids to all their sports games, coach them, drive my lil girl to dance 3 times a week. I never got to even go to therapy, i live in such a small town that the only place is pretty much just a gym. I kind of gave up on myself improving and focused on my kids and bf, so, i can't even imagine having all that kind of help. My bf got me the motocross bike that hurt me, so i think there's also guilt there. Well i know, he's told me in arguements before. We fight seriously every other day and bad. I know he's bringing me down more than helping. Always saying how this is too much on HIM! But i'm also a stupid girl in love, and losing something else right now is a really hard thought to imagine. If he's so avid about you leaving i would get out while i could. Paralyzed or not, he shouldn't be able to mistreat you. There are plenty of other paras out there that would really appreciate you and what you're worth. If you plan on staying girl, i would make some demands that he does more for himself, brace or not, and make sure he appreciates and respects you. That needs to overcome the damn guilt.

I promise, you are only handicapping him more! Mentally and physically. What happens if something does happen and you aren't there for him anymore, it will be twice as devistating for him. Tough love baby, tough love.

[Mrs.Quinn]

The way I see it I do do alot but its out of love, and before when we first lived together before the accident he was doing it all. I guess I got spoiled and overwhelmed and I just broke down. Thank you all for the adivce

[E-DOG]

All the caregiving you do for the guy.
Is it really necessary or is it just an excuse to be with him cause you love him so much?

[Tetracyclone]

[quote name='Mrs.Quinn' date='Sep 22 2009, 12:37 AM' post='131223']
Well me and my bf broke up on my birthday so I went out the next night and got completely trashed. Mad as I was I came home trashed and woke up with him kicking me out. Apparrently I was talking so much shit to him about breaking up with me. I couldn't tell you if it was the truth or not casue I don't remember anything that night.

[u] This is called a blackout. If it has happened before, even just once, get thyself to AA.
[/u]
But here's the problem I am his primary caregiver and I begged him to allow me to stay (after a million sorries) and told him I want to at least care for him until hes back for his second phase of rehab. I know I said some harsh things that night and we have been fighting alot but I just don't understand how after all this giving, giving, and giving he would just stop? He says he wishes things were different but they aren't and they he loves me but its not going to work.
Mind you I feel like we are at the hardest time in our life and I am allowed a few break downs and screaming hours, aren't I?
[u]Why would you think this? Screaming is for your therapist. When we do it with those we claim to love it is called emotional abuse, or sometimes "rehearsal of powerlessness". If someone does not want to make love with you it is poor form to browbeat them for it.[/u]

I know maybe I have been depressed lately & that could lead up to a few arguements but who doesn't argue?
Well the main question I have is I have a one way ticket to Californnia just waiting for me and I do not feel right leaving him but if he doesn't want me anymore is it worng for me to leave?
I love him so much, I have tried everything I possibly can to be with him and I know the biggest factor in the relationship was the sex. I wanted too much of it and he wasn't ready. It stressed me out that I couldn't sleep with him in the same bed. Lay with him, barely touch him and the sex was missing. I know I was wrong for wanting and wanting and wanting...
I don't know what else to say... he doesn't want me back but I justr can't seem to leave.....
[u] You are not wrong to want. You are wrong to want from someone who judges it unhealthy to give it to you. That is just[/u]
[u]Consider trusting his judgement.[/u]

Occasionally we mistake getting what we want for love. Both feel VERY good. Please take care of yourself first.

[Mrs.Quinn]

Yeah all of you are right. its just a tough situation and when i said screaming I didn't mean literally! I just meant isn't it ok to able to break down in a situation as this? I was stressed and this isnt something i was used to I just freaked. I took a step back and took a HUGE deep breath! I see things clearly now and I was bitch for how I felt before but it was something I could not help feeling.
Things are better, we've talked things out and I know to all of you guys it may sound like I shouldn't be doing so much but I am pretty sure any of you guys would if you really just love someone. <3
Overall things are getting better and its only been 4 months post so we are still struggling to fit in our new shoes but we are trying.
Thank you for all the comments and advice I took them all into consideration!
Gooooood day!

[MxDisasterGrl]

i just wanted to add a little food for though. I know i already said i had no one, but i really meant it. And although it kind of hurts to think it's happening this way, i know i'm physically stronger for it. I was back home on July 27 and my accident was june 1st....i couldn't further my rehab (i had to leave against docs orders), because my ex was trying to take my kids permanently away from me, saying i was now incapable of being a mother!! Anywho, the fist day i came home i was out of my brace, also against orders, and making spaghetti for my lil ones. I was cleaning house, doing clothes, everything but vacuuming...hell i even swept and mopped. I think there really needs to be a huge middle ground for you two. He needs to feel more like a man, and even though i don't know him, i figure you might be smothering his "manliness"....lol, which is a good thing for you as well, because you need some "you" time. It would work out just fine. If you're still bathing him stop....he's fine...he has to, i mean has to mrs. quinn do more for himself or it will be a downhill battle for the two of you, then what and who for him??? I promise if you take this advice, it will help. Let him be a man, you be more of a demanding gf sometimes, and ask if he needs something every now and then. What could it hurt to try? I'll bet he will even shock/impress you along w/ himself. We can do a lot more than what people, even loved ones, give us credit for.

It drives me insane when my bf says, "hey, no stop, you can't even do that...I'VE got it." All the time i'm doing it, and getting pissed he's stopping me to do it himself.

i'm sure you make him happy just knowing you're there, just let him grow.

No offense intended..pls, just trying to help you guys...

[Mrs.Quinn]

MxDisasterGrl, on Oct 16 2009, 12:22 AM, said:

i just wanted to add a little food for though. I know i already said i had no one, but i really meant it. And although it kind of hurts to think it's happening this way, i know i'm physically stronger for it. I was back home on July 27 and my accident was june 1st....i couldn't further my rehab (i had to leave against docs orders), because my ex was trying to take my kids permanently away from me, saying i was now incapable of being a mother!! Anywho, the fist day i came home i was out of my brace, also against orders, and making spaghetti for my lil ones. I was cleaning house, doing clothes, everything but vacuuming...hell i even swept and mopped. I think there really needs to be a huge middle ground for you two. He needs to feel more like a man, and even though i don't know him, i figure you might be smothering his "manliness"....lol, which is a good thing for you as well, because you need some "you" time. It would work out just fine. If you're still bathing him stop....he's fine...he has to, i mean has to mrs. quinn do more for himself or it will be a downhill battle for the two of you, then what and who for him??? I promise if you take this advice, it will help. Let him be a man, you be more of a demanding gf sometimes, and ask if he needs something every now and then. What could it hurt to try? I'll bet he will even shock/impress you along w/ himself. We can do a lot more than what people, even loved ones, give us credit for.

It drives me insane when my bf says, "hey, no stop, you can't even do that...I'VE got it." All the time i'm doing it, and getting pissed he's stopping me to do it himself.

i'm sure you make him happy just knowing you're there, just let him grow.

No offense intended..pls, just trying to help you guys...

NO its perfectly non-offensive! He does bath himself but I am in the shower with him (showering) I started to stop doing things and he does alot for himself now. its been better for the both of us that way! but thank you for the advice!

[reaven85]

Mrs.Quinn, on Oct 16 2009, 05:08 PM, said:

MxDisasterGrl, on Oct 16 2009, 12:22 AM, said:

i just wanted to add a little food for though. I know i already said i had no one, but i really meant it. And although it kind of hurts to think it's happening this way, i know i'm physically stronger for it. I was back home on July 27 and my accident was june 1st....i couldn't further my rehab (i had to leave against docs orders), because my ex was trying to take my kids permanently away from me, saying i was now incapable of being a mother!! Anywho, the fist day i came home i was out of my brace, also against orders, and making spaghetti for my lil ones. I was cleaning house, doing clothes, everything but vacuuming...hell i even swept and mopped. I think there really needs to be a huge middle ground for you two. He needs to feel more like a man, and even though i don't know him, i figure you might be smothering his "manliness"....lol, which is a good thing for you as well, because you need some "you" time. It would work out just fine. If you're still bathing him stop....he's fine...he has to, i mean has to mrs. quinn do more for himself or it will be a downhill battle for the two of you, then what and who for him??? I promise if you take this advice, it will help. Let him be a man, you be more of a demanding gf sometimes, and ask if he needs something every now and then. What could it hurt to try? I'll bet he will even shock/impress you along w/ himself. We can do a lot more than what people, even loved ones, give us credit for.

It drives me insane when my bf says, "hey, no stop, you can't even do that...I'VE got it." All the time i'm doing it, and getting pissed he's stopping me to do it himself.

i'm sure you make him happy just knowing you're there, just let him grow.

No offense intended..pls, just trying to help you guys...

NO its perfectly non-offensive! He does bath himself but I am in the shower with him (showering) I started to stop doing things and he does alot for himself now. its been better for the both of us that way! but thank you for the advice!

lol You sound like me not to llong ago! Thanks HEAVENS IM NOT THE ONLY ONE!! no i dont do anything for him now....well our house burned down so we arent living together at the moment but after talking to everyone on here i realized he was just being a lazy ass....lol he still is lazy every now and again.....but im not a fool lol he will be fine honey...the real question is will you?