24 replies to this topic

[Myssa]

My Mother in law is coming to stay with us for a few weeks. She'll be a lot of help but I worry to much help. Brady is her only child and even before the accident she would treat him like he was a kid when she was around. I've gotten very strong willed since he's been hurt and I can see us butting heads on things, pre-accident days I was a push over. Yes he's her baby but he's my Husband. This will be her first visit since he's been home. Have any others had trouble with Mother in laws visiting after the injury?

[Ches]

If its just a visit, let her have her moment.. take a break and relax.. don't get all bent out of shape over something that hasnt happened.

[Yasko]

Ches, on Sep 24 2009, 12:48 PM, said:

If its just a visit, let her have her moment.. take a break and relax.. don't get all bent out of shape over something that hasnt happened.

Indeed!

[greybeard]

Ches, on Sep 24 2009, 08:48 PM, said:

If its just a visit, let her have her moment.. take a break and relax.. don't get all bent out of shape over something that hasnt happened.

Ches, you talk a lot of sense for a young'n.

[Courtney]

I have to agree, but at the same time, don't be a pushover. I would also sit down and discuss how you feel with Brady before she gets there. One thing that my mom told me (because my mother in law and I butted heads before and after Duke's accident--big time) is to remember he is her "baby" you have to imagine how you would feel if it were your son or daughter....but again.....don't let anyone walk all over you Good luck! Use the time to get out a little and concentrate on you....

[Myssa]

Courtney, on Sep 24 2009, 05:38 PM, said:

I have to agree, but at the same time, don't be a pushover. I would also sit down and discuss how you feel with Brady before she gets there. One thing that my mom told me (because my mother in law and I butted heads before and after Duke's accident--big time) is to remember he is her "baby" you have to imagine how you would feel if it were your son or daughter....but again.....don't let anyone walk all over you Good luck! Use the time to get out a little and concentrate on you....

Brady is not looking forward to this 4 week visit, he's a little pissed I told her it was ok to come. I do get he's her baby, I don't think i'd be able to leave Brayden or Jazmine's side if they went threw this. She'll be here tomorrow night, till then I'm running to hide all dirt bikes. If she found out I still let the kids ride I think she'd loose it on me. I told the kids if you don't tell Grammy Mommy let's you ride i'll make it worth it( got to love a bribe)

[Courtney]

4 weeks? There is no way that I could make it through that, you are a much stronger woman than I am! Just tell Brady to stand up for himself...in the hospital Duke told his mom to leave me alone and then I overheard her talking about Duke and I getting remarried again and that wasn't a good idea.....I'm pretty sure that after what I said in front of ALL of his family made everyone think twice about ever crossing me again Duke's parents had a tendency to baby him at first by basically waiting on him hand and foot and Duke had to eventually stand up to everyone and tell them to back off that he was still a 33 year old man and that he and I would figure all of this out. I've actually seen him "swat" at his dad when he would try to strap him in or grab things for him....

It was definatley ok to tell her to come visit, but it is also ok to tell her that she is overstaying her welcome by staying for 4 weeks.....

[qbounce]

I used to always be at odds with my Mom and Stepdad whenever they came to stay, although it was very short, 2-3 days max. It began with their pet dog they couldn't leave home without.

My Ex always stressed about the Dog, and where it was, what it ws doing, etc. This in turn, put alot of stress on me, and the atmosphere whenever they came.

I have a new wife now, and the visits couldn't be more enjoyable. The dog is peaceful, always was.

I'm not in any way reading into your posts, but I've found my parents visits are absolutely enjoyable, stress free experiences, due solely to the person by my side.

[Myssa]

qbounce, on Sep 24 2009, 08:56 PM, said:

I used to always be at odds with my Mom and Stepdad whenever they came to stay, although it was very short, 2-3 days max. It began with their pet dog they couldn't leave home without.

My Ex always stressed about the Dog, and where it was, what it ws doing, etc. This in turn, put alot of stress on me, and the atmosphere whenever they came.

I have a new wife now, and the visits couldn't be more enjoyable. The dog is peaceful, always was.

I'm not in any way reading into your posts, but I've found my parents visits are absolutely enjoyable, stress free experiences, due solely to the person by my side.

Yes she's coming for 4 whole weeks. She's great and all but she's something else. Brady told me not to hide the bikes at my Brother's house, he said their our kids and if we want them to ride that's just what they'll do. Can't wait to see how that will go down. A big problem is she still sees us as the 18 year old kids who ran off and got married.

[ClaraTaylor]

Four weeks, hmm got any rooms that want decorating? And of those awful jobs you keep putting off? Seriously, for one week you're a "guest" - for the rest you're a member of family and must get stuck into the house work just like the rest of us. So if you find her "wanting to help" get her stuck into something!! Hell even send her out with a shopping list or a letter to post.

Giving her a job will let her think she's doing something useful, gets the job done for you, but means she's too busy to follow your boyfriend around like a lap dog whimpering every time he gets himself a drink etc.

[Jax]

Myssa, on Sep 24 2009, 09:14 PM, said:

A big problem is she still sees us as the 18 year old kids who ran off and got married.

There's an old saying here in TX..."You're always 17 in your hometown." (Cross Canadian Ragweed even made a song of it.)

The same is true of many people with their parents. Some parents (for whatever reason) just don't want to let their children grow up. Some parents just can't let go. I think Clara has a good idea about putting your MIL to work. Maybe it will keep her out of your hair for a bit at a time. Seems the problem here is really more of a case of your MIL having a control addiction and being seriously over-protective. From the sounds of what you've posted so far, she seems to be quite uptight (and perhaps a bit pretentious). There's only 2 ways to deal with it, and the brutal honesty approach is probably something she can't (or won't) take, and would likely lead to much worse problems (the reasons for which, I'll keep to myself). So the above-mentioned distraction method is probably the best at this point.

My real question is why. Why is she staying for 4 weeks? Is she coming in from a different continent? Does she not see her son but once a year? I apologize if I sound rude. I've just not heard of a parent coming to visit and staying for 4 weeks otherwise. A few days at most. My parents won't even stay a whole day... lol.

[Courtney]

Brady is right about the bikes.....they are your kids, you are the one that gave birth to them.....it is your and Brady's decision. Are Duke and I not to let our children drive because he got injured in a car accident

By the way, I am incredibly impressed with the fact that you two got married at 18 and are still together! That is wonderful!!!!

When Duke was still in the hospital, the nurses told us not to shave him because of all of the coumadin he was on. Well, after looking like grizzly adams, Duke told me to get a razor and do it. As I went to get the razor his mother said "you are not going to shave him are you?" (more of a statement than an innocent question) I looked at her and said, "I sure am"
As she began to complain and voice her opinion, Duke basically told her to butt out and that it was his face.....

Just make sure that Brady is the one standing up to her (with you standing next to him nodding your head in agreement with him)

Your MIL should also be extremely proud of you two (especially you for sticking with it, not everyone is that strong) If you are like me, the thought of leaving never once crossed your mind (although Duke's father told me when he was hurt that if this was too much I could walk away with no guilt and that they would understand because we were divorced at the time of his accident, I told him that no offense, but who was Duke going to fight for--his parents or me and his two children)

[Myssa]

Courtney, on Sep 25 2009, 08:52 AM, said:

Brady is right about the bikes.....they are your kids, you are the one that gave birth to them.....it is your and Brady's decision. Are Duke and I not to let our children drive because he got injured in a car accident

By the way, I am incredibly impressed with the fact that you two got married at 18 and are still together! That is wonderful!!!!

When Duke was still in the hospital, the nurses told us not to shave him because of all of the coumadin he was on. Well, after looking like grizzly adams, Duke told me to get a razor and do it. As I went to get the razor his mother said "you are not going to shave him are you?" (more of a statement than an innocent question) I looked at her and said, "I sure am"
As she began to complain and voice her opinion, Duke basically told her to butt out and that it was his face.....

Just make sure that Brady is the one standing up to her (with you standing next to him nodding your head in agreement with him)

Your MIL should also be extremely proud of you two (especially you for sticking with it, not everyone is that strong) If you are like me, the thought of leaving never once crossed your mind (although Duke's father told me when he was hurt that if this was too much I could walk away with no guilt and that they would understand because we were divorced at the time of his accident, I told him that no offense, but who was Duke going to fight for--his parents or me and his two children)

We may have not got married for the right reason(sex) but we've made it work. People gave us 6 months and it will be 11 years on Monday. I don't know why she wanted to come for 4 weeks, she only lives in Boca Raton and has been here 3 times in the last 6 months. My Mom (who lives in Greece) told her I seem very stressed, I think that's where the trouble started. I could never leave Brady, we're still very much those 16 year olds who met at a party and fell in love. Chair or not he's still the same man to me, I don't even see that changing.

Edited by Myssa, 25 September 2009 - 03:18 PM.

[Illinois Boy]

Hide the Pot and Porn.......

Jim

[gordonr]

Myssa, on Sep 25 2009, 03:17 PM, said:

We may have not got married for the right reason(sex) but we've made it work. People gave us 6 months and it will be 11 years on Monday. I don't know why she wanted to come for 4 weeks, she only lives in Boca Raton and has been here 3 times in the last 6 months. My Mom (who lives in Greece) told her I seem very stressed, I think that's where the trouble started. I could never leave Brady, we're still very much those 16 year olds who met at a party and fell in love. Chair or not he's still the same man to me, I don't even see that changing.

Dear Myssa,

I read back through some of yur other posts, and the picture I am getting would maybe suggest a bit of backroom dealing by the TWO mother-in-laws.

Other people say and do a lot more things than we are aware of. In my case, my family really believed that they could look after me better than my then girlfriend, and that I should come home. I refused, because I knew that would be unlivable. But a little later my girlfriend told me that when my sister came from out of town to visit me at the hospital, she also had the secret family mission to convince my gf that it was for my own good for her to step out so that I would HAVE to come back home, and the pressure did not stop there.

All this I knew fairly soon, because my gf wanted to work this out with me. But what she never told me was the pressure she was also getting from HER family to back off our relationship. I only found out when I came across some old letters in a cleanup (yeah. I read 'em) many years later from her brother, in which I saw that the whole family, while very good to me, had been actively angling, for years, to get her out of there.

So the point is, without wanting to get you paranoid, there is a lot written on this board about the stupid things ab people think about sci, and we have to realize that family members are no different from the general population.

Which leads us back to his mom and your mom. Mothers-in law do not normally talk together on a regular basis. You say that yours, even from Greece, was talking to his about your STRESS? I shudder to think about what a coulpe of aging biddies would have to say to one another on that subject.

You guys were married young, and you probably had some resistance from at least one of these mothers, am I right?

And now you are committing to an sci relation, it looks like the old negativity from the older generation is welling up again. They didn't give you six months last time? Well, my dear, that is about how long your guy is post injury. Without telling you so much straight out, they may think right now that you have no realistic way to go on together.

Four weeks is a HECK of a long visit. Are you sure that this woman does not intend to permantently ease herself into the equation? Does she have anybody at home, or is she alone? She really may think that she is going to be the one to look after her boy after this temporary experiment of you going on in your marriage has failed. And she is just laying the ground work.

But if this were so, it is not something to freak out about. My mother was (rest her soul) completely crazy and unreasonable. That is what mothers are. You have to love your way through this. But you also have to know where you stand. Sooner or later she will overplay her hand. And then there will be tears and recrimination, and then you can get on with the work of adressing HER insecurity. And she can begin to understand, like ALL mothers-in-law, that the wheel has turned and there is a new generation of Moms now running the world.

Everybody goes through these things. SCI is not causing these situations. SCI is the context in which YOU are living adjustments that are common to everybody. ALL mothers try to influence their sons. ALL mothers cry when they realize that Sonny will take another woman's wishes more to heart than her own. ALL mothers try to interfere with the discipline and education of their grandkids.

So don't let this be about SCI. Don't allow HER to pretend this is about SCI. Just tell her straight out that the SCI is cool. Lot's of people have SCI relationships. Some walk away and some go on. You and Brady are a couple of those who go on. And that's it.

Then, as gently as you can, address the mother-in-law thing, calling it what it is: the mopther-in-law thing. Not the SCI thing.

Best to you,

Gordon

[Myssa]

Illinois Boy, on Sep 25 2009, 12:37 PM, said:

Hide the Pot and Porn.......

Jim

LOL the pot days are over

[Myssa]

gordonr, on Sep 25 2009, 01:02 PM, said:

Myssa, on Sep 25 2009, 03:17 PM, said:

We may have not got married for the right reason(sex) but we've made it work. People gave us 6 months and it will be 11 years on Monday. I don't know why she wanted to come for 4 weeks, she only lives in Boca Raton and has been here 3 times in the last 6 months. My Mom (who lives in Greece) told her I seem very stressed, I think that's where the trouble started. I could never leave Brady, we're still very much those 16 year olds who met at a party and fell in love. Chair or not he's still the same man to me, I don't even see that changing.

Dear Myssa,

I read back through some of yur other posts, and the picture I am getting would maybe suggest a bit of backroom dealing by the TWO mother-in-laws.

Other people say and do a lot more things than we are aware of. In my case, my family really believed that they could look after me better than my then girlfriend, and that I should come home. I refused, because I knew that would be unlivable. But a little later my girlfriend told me that when my sister came from out of town to visit me at the hospital, she also had the secret family mission to convince my gf that it was for my own good for her to step out so that I would HAVE to come back home, and the pressure did not stop there.

All this I knew fairly soon, because my gf wanted to work this out with me. But what she never told me was the pressure she was also getting from HER family to back off our relationship. I only found out when I came across some old letters in a cleanup (yeah. I read 'em) many years later from her brother, in which I saw that the whole family, while very good to me, had been actively angling, for years, to get her out of there.

So the point is, without wanting to get you paranoid, there is a lot written on this board about the stupid things ab people think about sci, and we have to realize that family members are no different from the general population.

Which leads us back to his mom and your mom. Mothers-in law do not normally talk together on a regular basis. You say that yours, even from Greece, was talking to his about your STRESS? I shudder to think about what a coulpe of aging biddies would have to say to one another on that subject.

You guys were married young, and you probably had some resistance from at least one of these mothers, am I right?

And now you are committing to an sci relation, it looks like the old negativity from the older generation is welling up again. They didn't give you six months last time? Well, my dear, that is about how long your guy is post injury. Without telling you so much straight out, they may think right now that you have no realistic way to go on together.

Four weeks is a HECK of a long visit. Are you sure that this woman does not intend to permantently ease herself into the equation? Does she have anybody at home, or is she alone? She really may think that she is going to be the one to look after her boy after this temporary experiment of you going on in your marriage has failed. And she is just laying the ground work.

But if this were so, it is not something to freak out about. My mother was (rest her soul) completely crazy and unreasonable. That is what mothers are. You have to love your way through this. But you also have to know where you stand. Sooner or later she will overplay her hand. And then there will be tears and recrimination, and then you can get on with the work of adressing HER insecurity. And she can begin to understand, like ALL mothers-in-law, that the wheel has turned and there is a new generation of Moms now running the world.

Everybody goes through these things. SCI is not causing these situations. SCI is the context in which YOU are living adjustments that are common to everybody. ALL mothers try to influence their sons. ALL mothers cry when they realize that Sonny will take another woman's wishes more to heart than her own. ALL mothers try to interfere with the discipline and education of their grandkids.

So don't let this be about SCI. Don't allow HER to pretend this is about SCI. Just tell her straight out that the SCI is cool. Lot's of people have SCI relationships. Some walk away and some go on. You and Brady are a couple of those who go on. And that's it.

Then, as gently as you can, address the mother-in-law thing, calling it what it is: the mopther-in-law thing. Not the SCI thing.

Best to you,

Gordon

Our Mother's talking is nothing new, just 2 gossips. She has her Husband at home(Brady's Father) but he's a workaholic. I'm trying to think she just wants to help, she had always been very helpful(unlike my Mom). Both times I gave birth she came and stuck by me and came to help with the kids when he was in the hospital and rehab.

[gordonr]

Myssa, on Sep 25 2009, 07:16 PM, said:

Our Mother's talking is nothing new, just 2 gossips. She has her Husband at home(Brady's Father) but he's a workaholic. I'm trying to think she just wants to help, she had always been very helpful(unlike my Mom). Both times I gave birth she came and stuck by me and came to help with the kids when he was in the hospital and rehab.

Well then, this is more of the same.

If it really helps you it is good.

If it is too much.

At least you have someone who gets involved, and hopefully you can work with that.

Actually both she and you have a lot to gain if you can work this out.

But you do have to be Queen Bee in your own hive.


Best,

Gordon

[Jax]

gordonr, on Sep 25 2009, 04:42 PM, said:

But you do have to be Queen Bee in your own hive.


Best,

Gordon

Ah, yes. Gordon speaks truth. Never forget to be the Queen of your hive. Seems to be an issue too many wives have with MILs.

[Myssa]

She's here and so far so good. I did talk to her last night over a glass of wine(always helps) I told her i'm thrilled you're here and I have much love for you but for a 4 weeks stay we need to know our roles. She was so sweet and told me i'm not here to take care of him, she just wants to help me with the house and the kids. She said in fact she's still pretty mad at Brady for what he put us threw, she always hated him riding. Her big issue seems to be my weight or lack there, she said I went from thin to Victoria Beckham thin lol. I do see a up side to her being here we got to sleep in for the first time in I don't know how long

[E-DOG]

What you should have done was this.

Get some of that yellow "POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS!" tape and wrap it around your entire house.
Then just before she arrives, you and your old man go on vacation for a couple of weeks.

She'd crap herself silly trying to figure out what happened to you two.
Big laughs in Acapulco over margaritas and shrimp cocktails!

E

[Courtney]

I"m glad that she's there to help, although I can't help but disagree about her saying that she is mad at Brady for what he has put you and the kids though, it's not like he woke up that morning and said "you know, I think that I want to be quadriplegic and have to depend on someone for the rest my life for certain things" Also, you will probably put the weight back on, I lost about 20lbs when Duke got hurt (from the stress and worry I'm sure) and unfortunately put it all back on

Myssa, on Sep 26 2009, 10:18 AM, said:

She's here and so far so good. I did talk to her last night over a glass of wine(always helps) I told her i'm thrilled you're here and I have much love for you but for a 4 weeks stay we need to know our roles. She was so sweet and told me i'm not here to take care of him, she just wants to help me with the house and the kids. She said in fact she's still pretty mad at Brady for what he put us threw, she always hated him riding. Her big issue seems to be my weight or lack there, she said I went from thin to Victoria Beckham thin lol. I do see a up side to her being here we got to sleep in for the first time in I don't know how long

[Myssa]

Courtney, on Sep 27 2009, 06:37 PM, said:

I"m glad that she's there to help, although I can't help but disagree about her saying that she is mad at Brady for what he has put you and the kids though, it's not like he woke up that morning and said "you know, I think that I want to be quadriplegic and have to depend on someone for the rest my life for certain things" Also, you will probably put the weight back on, I lost about 20lbs when Duke got hurt (from the stress and worry I'm sure) and unfortunately put it all back on

Myssa, on Sep 26 2009, 10:18 AM, said:

She's here and so far so good. I did talk to her last night over a glass of wine(always helps) I told her i'm thrilled you're here and I have much love for you but for a 4 weeks stay we need to know our roles. She was so sweet and told me i'm not here to take care of him, she just wants to help me with the house and the kids. She said in fact she's still pretty mad at Brady for what he put us threw, she always hated him riding. Her big issue seems to be my weight or lack there, she said I went from thin to Victoria Beckham thin lol. I do see a up side to her being here we got to sleep in for the first time in I don't know how long

I was pretty mad when she said she was mad at him for getting hurt and I did talk to her about that. I told her if anyone is at fault for that day it's me. I'm the one who said lets take the kids riding, something we always did but i'm the one who opened my mouth that day. Brady had planned on us just staying home that day, not a day goes by with me not thinking if I only kept my big mouth shut. I've only lost like 12 pounds but she is all worked up because you can see my ribs. She is trying to stuff me like a turkey.

Edited by Myssa, 27 September 2009 - 11:15 PM.

[Courtney]

Let her stuff you! It'll be a nice break not having to fix every single meal for everyone in the house!! Duke doesn't ever say a word to me if every now and then I say that I really don't want to cook, can we order out or get a pizza because he knows that I do ALL of the meals now

[Myssa]

Courtney, on Sep 28 2009, 02:53 PM, said:

Let her stuff you! It'll be a nice break not having to fix every single meal for everyone in the house!! Duke doesn't ever say a word to me if every now and then I say that I really don't want to cook, can we order out or get a pizza because he knows that I do ALL of the meals now

I'm very much enjoying her cooking. It seems like i'm always cooking 3 or 4 different things trying to please everyone. We have very picky eaters in this house.