25 replies to this topic

[Blake]

I have a pretty close relationship with Mark who caused my injury and most outsiders find it odd. Most don't see how I can even look at him. I've never really placed blame on him and neither did my family except my brother Barron. He was only 16 when he hit me and I know he blames him self everytime he looks at me so he doesn't need any blame from anyone else.

I have a hard time explaining to people how I can be friends with him and when I do try they don't really get it. Does anyone else here have a relashionship with the person who injured you? Am I really nuts for not blaming him? That's sure how some people make me feel.

Edited by Blake, 04 November 2009 - 12:16 AM.

[LeahC]

Blake, on Nov 4 2009, 12:14 AM, said:

I have a pretty close relationship with Mark who caused my injury and most outsiders find it odd. Most don't see how I can even look at him. I've never really placed blame on him and neither did my family except my brother Barron. He was only 16 when he hit me and I know he blames him self everytime he looks at me so he doesn't need any blame from anyone else.

I have a hard time explaining to people how I can be friends with him and when I do try they don't really get it. Does anyone else here have a relashionship with the person who injured you? Am I really nuts for not blaming him? That's sure how some people make me feel.

It most surely was an accident, why hold a grudge over something that he's got to live with anyway? Isn't that punishment enough? Good for you for seeing that he is still a good guy and didn't harm you intentionally.

[Beautiful]

I was injured at 3 years old. Drunk driver hit our car head-on.

I don't know her, I've never met her, or anything, but I don't hate her. Sometimes we can't control the situations we are put in. But I forgive her for what she did. It was stupid to drink and get behind the wheel, but we all make mistakes.

I don't think you're nuts for being friends with him or whatever. I think it makes you a better person actually, stronger. I don't like holding grudges and having a "hate" towards people. It just isn't me. So good for you for being able to forgive him and moving on with a friendship!

[Ratticis]

The guy who caused me to be gimped is named Chris. I've known him all my life. He's a good guy most days, an idiot at time, and a wee bit nuts. . . he also needs to get laid

[Skrads]

The driver of the ute I was sitting in the back of is still a good friend of mine. I think the accident has hit him harder than it has me mentally and emotionally. We come from a rather small country town so when it happened everyone new who got hurt and who was driving. While I was in hospital it was extremely hard for him to get out and go to the pub because of all the looks he always got.

He never talks about what happened and no one ever brings it up in front of him. I don't really care though. I joke about my accident and disability almost every day but as soon as the drivers name is mentioned by someone, the joke stops. It is still a very touchy subject.

The hardest thing for me and my two other mates that were there when it happened, was going to court over the accident. We all knew it was an accident and he wasn't to blame, but sitting in court with him listening to what you have to say about everything when you have never spoken to him personally about it is extremely hard.

Luckily, the charges were dropped, but he ended up moving up north, about 5 hours away. He got a new job, but everyone knows he moved because of what happened to me, even though he knows no one blames him. It's just human nature. We still ring or visit each other every couple of months just to show everyone that everything is fine.

Our friendship may not be the same as it was but we are still good mates....

[Blake]

I'm glad to see that i'm not the only one who doesn't blame the person who caused my accident. Even the friends I have that are in chairs say I'm crazy for not blaming Mark. I wish I could help Mark get over it he's 23 now and just getting his life back together. We've talked about it a good amount and he said it's jus so hard to be the guy who paralyzed a 5 year old on Christmas. I just wish he coulld see i'm ok with things most of the time, I lead a pretty good life.

Edited by Blake, 05 November 2009 - 02:58 AM.

[qbounce]

Loved ones often blame themselves for not having been there when the accident happened, or for the events that occured leading up to the accident.

Others blame themselves for the SCI happening within their home, or during their time spent with the person who's accident occured.

One thing we can't do is make someone else feel better for a guilty conscience, when they had absolutely nothing to do with the event. The same thing goes for the ones who actually did contribute to the accident.

Only one thing helps in healing these wounds . . . . TIME. Time doesn't heal anything, but it HELPS.

[ClaraTaylor]

I lived a street away from the chap that did this to me, and coming from a tiny village this only really added up to five houses and the corner of a field.

He'd seen me grow up, seen my family living our happy little life, seen my friends and I as we used to walk across the field behind his house with our sledges in the winter, seen me cycle past his house twice a day on my way two and from work, he even used to see me drive by on my way to hospital for appointments after the accident...

... You can't see everything.

Our mothers are good friends. Whether they had some emotional discussion I have no idea. But they meet up every Wednesday for tea and card making.

He's not a bad chap, okay so he's an idiot for doing what he did but I don't hate him and as one of the old ladies told me "He was in an accident himself when he was younger, everyone else in the car died and he was in a coma for months. His brain was ever so badly damaged... you'd think he ought to have known better"
She was a strange old lady.

I know in the local pub that harsh comments were made and the odd punch thrown at his direction (well seven is an odd number) but most in the village have accepted it as an accident and that's what I do too.

The fact that I know he had two more accidents after mine (or should that be ours?) including one where he wrote off two cars and then went on to find out he had one more before mine (na, I don't like sharing) does worry me but having contacted the DVLA I found out there was nothing that I could do.

He seems to have finished his killing spree and now drives a mini bus full of school children every day. I guess his life isn't going so bad.

I still insist on free drinks at the pub every time I see him for the loud "this is the man that tried to kill me" always goes down wonders if I don't like his girlfriend at the time.

[wheeliebear75]

Well in my case it was just a sign that didn't stay where it was supposed to; I don't hold any responsibility on anyone for it....never did....it was just an accident. I only get angry & upset with Sizzler (where I got hurt at) for doing EVERYTHING they could to pay out as little as possible........trying to say that they should ONLY have to take into account how far from "normal" I was and that all the stuff about me being above average & in college prep classes before the accident shouldn't even be considered.

But you're not having THAT kinda thing......doesn't sound as though the teen or his family was trying to wash their hands of anything. And as for you being able to forgive him.....that just shows that you've "moved on". There is no such thing as a time machine where we can go back to the day before or hrs. before we got hurt & do things differently.........holding a grudge wouldn't help you accomplish anything. And I've never known of anything good to come of hate & generally only the one who is busy holding the grudge is the one busy suffering any by said grudge.

No there may not be any physical scars from that day that he hit you........but that doesn't mean that he wasn't still scared. You're right in saying it isn't necessary to hate him for it. Most people can't understand how/why the Dali Llama sees things the way he does............some who see things differently from him would say he's a nut-case while others though they may not see things in the same way as the Dali Llama can at least see & admit that he has a different view that comes from "a higher place".....not a bad place or weird just different. OK so you're the Dalli Llama of the SCI world.......you've reached a much higher place than most........and like the Dalli Llama.......when other disagree with your views or philosophy just smile & move on.

[wheeliebear75]

qbounce, on Nov 5 2009, 05:48 AM, said:

Loved ones often blame themselves for not having been there when the accident happened, or for the events that occured leading up to the accident.

Others blame themselves for the SCI happening within their home, or during their time spent with the person who's accident occured.

One thing we can't do is make someone else feel better for a guilty conscience, when they had absolutely nothing to do with the event. The same thing goes for the ones who actually did contribute to the accident.

Only one thing helps in healing these wounds . . . . TIME. Time doesn't heal anything, but it HELPS.

Funny you should mention that qp. My Aunt to this day still kicks herself for having chosen where to go for her birthday dinner. It wasn't her fault for picking where to go but she still feels like she is partially responsible. It's even something she has had to go get counseling for......but even with the counseling it's just something she hasn't been able to totally shake off.

[luvmyc5]

My guy blames Trevor for his injury. Trevor dropped him on his neck intentionally, served only 6 mos in jail due to "lack of evidence" eventho my bf mom was a witness and at every court date. He cries occassionally because Trevor is walking around and he is stuck in a chair with limited mobility.He says its not fair

[Soryfam]

I don't totally blame the doctors who missed my diagnosis at first, but I do wish at least one of them would say "I'm sorry" we didn't take you more seriously. They do now, and that helps, but I especially wish the PA in the ER who called me a drug seeker and said I was fine would have at least told me he'd learned from the situation. I'm not really made anymore, just sad.

Sandy

[marty07]

my best mate was driving the boat i was behind when i had my accident and another mate saved my life by rolling me over for air... we're all still really good mates, hang out almost every week. i still go out in the boat with them, just no wakeboarding for me haha.

but yeah i don't find that the relationship between my mate who was driving and i has changed at all.
and i owe my life to my other mate. its hard to explain to some people.. i dunno know its kinda like a special bond..

[tonimichelle]

i broke my neck in my yard when my husbands friend rick rolled me thru a somersault. i think he pushed down a little too hard...then he left b4 the ambulance showed up so jeff was looked at with huge suspicion! anyways. i dont blame him. jeff, my husband does. jeff wants to kick his ass! we dont talk to him anymore, though. it is too awkward! the one time i saw him he said- oh, you arent even in a wheelchair!- ...toni

[Heather1984]

I got my SCI from a wreck. My husband was driving. I don't feel like he "caused" it to happen. I have not one time been mad at him. It was just something that happened. I think he had a harder time dealing with it than I did because he felt bad. So I think it is a great thing you have a relationship with this person. I'm sure they did not wake up and say I'm going to get in a wreck and hurt somebody.

[Tetracyclone]

Do I blame the guy who made the illegal turn, then denied it was so? Not really. I blame the human tendency we all share to cut corners and to deny wrong-doing. We get scared, we lie. We regret it later but fear the consequences if we come clean.

I don't judge him any more harshly than I judge myself, but I don't wish to see him either. He can take the box of expensive fruit he brought to the hospital, the complete lack of any settlement offer, and shove them where the sun don't shine. No blame, no forgiveness.

[kiwiquad]

I've never met the man who pulled his truck & trailor unit out in front of me. Nor have I ever laid blame on him..I do however still scrutinize over the whole incident almost daily, 26 years on!
I hear ya's...it's time to "move on". In order to do this, I feel an urge to see & hear him & I'd appreciate any advise regarding meeting this man who has lived within 200 km from me all this time. Should I let sleeping dogs lie, or get this trauma induced state that I feel stuck in, solved?

[Soryfam]

If you could meet with him in a neutral place, and talk without malice, then yes, I think a meeting would be good , probably for both of you. Since he lives not that far away, he may actually "look" for you when he's in the area, wondering how things have turned out for you. It might be the closure that both of you need.
If, however, it is going to be an antagonistic meeting, filled with anger and angst, it might just hurt you more than help. I don't think getting in touch with him would be a bad idea. Just a phone call to get things started might be what you need to help you get by thinking about it every day.

[MDK]

You girls/guys are so much better at forgiving than me!

There has not been 1 day since my husband's accident in which I have not thought of the 28 y.o. woman whom hit him because she did not " see" him.
Every day I wish that, for just 10min she'd have his pain and spasms or that she'd be in my " shoes " with a heart broken in thousands of pieces as I see his strugle.....and grieve for both of us and our family.

She has never rang or made contact so I have to assume that she has a ",normal" life.

Edited by MDK, 24 November 2009 - 05:42 PM.

[Texas Angel Ang]

My sister was driving when my accident happened... my first question when coming to in ICU was "where is Melissa??" With tubes down my throat and everything.

At first I didn't blame her but when going through my "angry/depression" stage, we had some pretty harsh words exchanged. Looking back and remembering everything I told her upsets me even more! We have talked about it and I have apologized more than once, but I know that it still bothers her that she was the one driving.

[intrin]

my best friend at the time was the driver of the car i was in, prolly seen him 10 times in 11 years? he never made any effort to stay connected, Never really had any anger towards him, but i did have anger, over it now! life goes on!

[dom]

MDK, on Nov 24 2009, 05:00 PM, said:

You girls/guys are so much better at forgiving than me!

There has not been 1 day since my husband's accident in which I have not thought of the 28 y.o. woman whom hit him because she did not " see" him.
Every day I wish that, for just 10min she'd have his pain and spasms or that she'd be in my " shoes " with a heart broken in thousands of pieces as I see his strugle.....and grieve for both of us and our family.

She has never rang or made contact so I have to assume that she has a ",normal" life.

did'nt you have ANY contact with her after the accident?

[Quad65]

Sure, I see him in the mirror every time I shave. He can be a smart-ass at times, but he's alright.

[clayton]

well i have never blamed the girl who was driving the car when we wrecked , but for some reason she will not talk to me at all she hates me for some reason , when i got out of the hospital i was still in the chair and she was going around telling everyone she was going to kick my ass and everything , its been 10 yrs and i still try to contact her through myspace but she deny's my request , at first i thought it was b/c my parents sued her parents insurence but i don't think she can be holding a grudge like that this long ...oh well life goes on i guess

[Skrads]

clayton, on Feb 2 2010, 07:17 AM, said:

well i have never blamed the girl who was driving the car when we wrecked , but for some reason she will not talk to me at all she hates me for some reason , when i got out of the hospital i was still in the chair and she was going around telling everyone she was going to kick my ass and everything , its been 10 yrs and i still try to contact her through myspace but she deny's my request , at first i thought it was b/c my parents sued her parents insurence but i don't think she can be holding a grudge like that this long ...oh well life goes on i guess

That pisses me off!!!! I am going through my mates insurance to get compensation over the accident. I have a lot of people having a go at me about it. What they don't understand is that I will need the money when I'm older as I may have to retire earlier than everyone else and that I am not sueing my mate for anything and that it will not affect him. We pay insurance so that when accidents like this occur, we don't get sued or have our homes and stuff taken away.

[allis53ca]

i see the little bastard that caused my accident every day...although he took responsibility for it and i forgave him, he has never apologized...i'm gona have to discuss that with him when we go to bed tonite