7 replies to this topic

[SoliK]

Hello everyone,
The more I get to know this wonderful new man in my life (a T-6) the more I believe he is someone that was brought into my life for a very special reason. Our connection is beyond anything I felt with anyone even though we've only dated for just over a month.. But recently he's been bringing up some worries that he has and a lot of it has to do with trust, age, and pain that his ex put him through. His ex left him for an abled bodied person and was devastating to him. It broke my heart when he told me because he is so sweet and hate the thought of anyone hurting him like that. They were together a long time. He expressed a lot of his fears in our relationship even though everything is going well. He just wouldn't stop kissing me the entire time he was expressing his fears... I figured that was a pretty good sign that he cares deeply about me. I told him that just because I'm a younger doesn't mean I'm going to go running off with a young abled bodied man like his ex. I don't want to lose this man...but I don't know how to help him see that he should trust what he feels for me...not the fears. (For the record..he's been in a wheelchair for years.) I admire him for sharing his fears with me..I know it makes him vulnerable.. But he is a beautiful, successful, intelligent man who has done so much for the community. He's like nobody I have ever met. The age and the chair does not matter to me.. I only see what is in his heart.. (I'm crying as I'm writing this because I like him so much) He's gotten a little distant from me this week..and am afraid that he's going to give up before the relationship even takes off.. I told him I want to to talk to him so I hope he responds. Some friends have told me that he is being a jerk, that he is just using this as an excuse not to be with me and to just dump him...but I don't believe he is...He's told me he likes me.. Has anyone dealt with anything like this?.. This is such a wonderful group and am hoping to get some advice.. I so much appreciate it..Thanks.
SoliK

[McTavish]

Hi Solik I wish there were more people like you in the world who could see past the wheelchair and and accept the person for who they are. I think this man is very lucky to have you in his life and I hope he realizes that. He can't possibly compare you to his ex. If he is as nice as you say, I'm sure he will not let you go. Good Luck Girl and hope the romance blossoms.

[Tetracyclone]

Solik,

People need time to sort out their emotions. He doesn't need reassurance- he needs to sort through his own stuff. In the midst of romanticizing, remember that his ex probably was ready to leave, and doing so with an AB is part coincidence. When you are ready to hit the highway there are simply more people available within the AB classification.

"You can't hurry love
no you just have to wait,
they say love don't come easy
its a game of give and take..."


Just play old supremes songs amd cry along to pass the time.

Good luck dear. the heart is a fragile territory.

Pwuff

[ohio4282]

Yes, I have. And from the sounds of it, have a similar story. I'm younger and my fiance was injured years ago. He's had exes that have done similar things, but I don't think he was as hung up on it as the guy you are seeing. Was it a more recent break-up? If so, it is probably still a sore point.

And really, regardless of when his last relationship ended, they only thing you can do about it is ride the waves and see where it takes you. He'll either trust you or he won't.

[guido]

Hi SoliK

We can only ever be truly responsible for ourselves. I have always found this the most frustrating thing in life, when you can understand a logic or rationale but cannot get someone else that you care about to see it too.

Seen from your boyfriend's view, isolation is safe, but obviously it's not really an answer to life. Experience can cloud our view or judgment, but we risk letting it screw a good thing up. These are all choices we have to make. And even if we think we can promise to make it to the end together, sometimes the plan goes out the window. Generally people don't get married planning a divorce.

To this end, I think you need to take a step back and accept that it is not up to you to sort out your boyfriend's past or view of it. The beginning of a relationship is always intense. You need to explain some rational logic to him:

- You have fallen for him, think he's wonderful, but cannot change his past. It is up to him not to let his past affect your future and your chances together. He should let your actions speak for you.
- There are no guarantees in life (except death and taxes). He needs to understand this. You have entered this whole-heartedly. A relationship is a relationship (AB or not) and it will endure the highs and lows of any relationship. You want it to work. There's no more you can offer. He needs to understand this and choose to make the effort (at the risk of heartbreak or disappointment) or not take the risk (and miss out on a good thing, like a fool).
- Emotional blackmail is a destructive thing. Keep it simple: he accepts you for you, here and now, or he doesn't. (Let's not forget that you could fall for him and he could ditch you.. just because he's paralysed doesn't mean he couldn't fall for someone else he hasn't met yet!)

If you keep it simple, you'll have a much more fulfilling relationship for it. If you allow you or your partner to go down the route of emotional blackmail or mistrust it will become a habit that is near impossible to break, and likely as not, will end up destroying you both. Once you've said your bit, leave him to figure it out for himself and accept your relationship on open, loving and trusting terms or, not take the risk and give you your freedom to pursue it with some one who can. Otherwise, you'd be better off walking away anyway.

Best wishes

Guido

[Jana09]

Hi SoliK, have PMed you without reading this first. Guido couldn't have put it better.
These are HIS issues and not yours. Heartbreaking as it may seem, he needs to come
to you with an open heart and open arms. All you can do is let him know how you feel
and see what happens. If it doesn't work out, it's his loss but there's absolutely nothing
that you could have done. All the best, Jana.

[qbounce]

Solik,
this isn't a W/C issue at all. It's just a matter of where his heads at, and YOU CAN'T CHANGE IT.

Guido said, "keep it simple." I advise the same. Don't get into long, drawn out talks of your feelings for him, and how he feels about you. Instead, when you two meet up, go out and have fun together. Don't tell him how much you care for him . . . show him instead.

Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

[SoliK]

Thank you all for the advice..
Guido and GBounce you are right about keeping it simple.. I hope to see him this week. I don't want a long drawn out drama... Been there done that with past relationships and it was not fun. I'm usually a straight to the point type of girl..so I need to stay true to myself. If it is meant to be then it will happen. You are right I can't change him.. nor do I want to. I just am going to hope for the best.. and take it one day at a time.. Thanks again and if anyone else has words of wisdom do share.
Blessings,
SoliK

Edited by SoliK, 10 November 2009 - 06:07 AM.