8 replies to this topic

[Lulu Star]

First I'd like to say hello to you all. I've read through a few of your topics and I have to say, you all seem like a really great group of people

Well, my reason for being here is that I'm somewhat involved with a man who's in a wheelchair. We've been friendly for over a year now and it's time to make some decisions about our relationship I suppose. Whether or not to become something serious, try to build a life together...I guess I'm really only writing this because I have no idea what it is to be in a relationship with a "disabled" person...I mean we all have our own disabilities in some way, really, but this actual physical, relies on other people for care kind...I don't know how to handle it. I care very deeply for this person. Tremendously so. I just don't know if I can do this...taking care of someone else...not having all the things "normal" (I don't mean that in a rude or disrespectful way at all) relationships would have...but there is love...And that's so much more than some people have or will ever have.

I guess I just want to know- Does it work out in the long run? Do you get used to being in this kind of relationship? Where you can't just take off whenever you want, or do all the things a couple would do together? But where there is lots of caring, lots of love regardless?

Thanks for listening.

[guido]

There's no guarantees in life, Lulu Star. If you love a person, you love a person (and that's only for as long as you love them - which might be a weekend or a lifetime..)

You sound young in your post, and if that's the case, you're gonna have to learn life the hard way: by living it. What one person answers in this forum is going to be different from another, and they are probably going to be different from you. Disability has plenty of drawbacks, but a good relationship has masses to recommend it over those drawbacks.

In practicality, most people (though not all) would say that a partner is NOT a carer in a successful relationship: I suggest you wander around a number of the numerous posts and forums here on this subject, and read how it can be wonderful. If it's not for you, don't be afraid to admit it. Often, as not, it's not a question of not doing things, but of working out how to do things.

[Lulu Star]

I'm actually not all that young. And I've been in a few serious relationships already. One almost led to marriage. I had to be careful how I wrote because I don't want to be "discovered" posting this...lol...I don't know if the other person would be upset.

I agree 100% that no one can really say for sure how things will go. And that everyone will have different opinions. I think I wrote this because my brain is so fried already trying to figure out what my next step should be. And no one that I know understands what I'm going through so I feel kind of all alone in this. Of course I can talk to the guy about it but it's different. I guess I just wanted the "ears" of people who have gone/are going through similar. Wondering similar things, maybe having some of the same doubts...

Thank you for taking the time out to reply

[ohio4282]

Whether you are young or not, Guido’s got a point. The only real option is to live life and learn that way. Don’t try and take it all in at once. If you don’t mind my asking, how long have you been dating? I don’t know what friendly or being somewhat involved means. I was friends with my fiancé for a couple of years before we started dating. I would think many of your questions would (or will) naturally answer themselves in time. In short, it almost sounds like you are scared your life will disappear if you get involved with this guy. It won’t, unless you allow it happen.

In any good relationship, there will always be some drawbacks and some positives. And like any relationship, to be good, it has to be worked at and compromises will have to be made. That isn’t to say that there aren’t challenges that come from dating someone with a SCI, which you already know. But like anything else, it can be overcome.

As for having to take care of someone, some people here are the wife/gf and caregiver, and some, like me, are not. Nor does my fiancé need a caregiver. With his injury level, he is able to do just about everything he needs for himself. It isn’t his first day in a chair, he managed before I came along and just because I am a part of his life now, doesn’t mean that all responsibility to his care falls to me.

Specifically to your questions, yes, it can work out. You have to want it to, though, just like in any other relationship. And there really isn’t that much to get used to as you might think. I don’t think I miss out on anything. In fact, I’ve gained far more. There are plenty of things for us to do together. Sometimes it does take more planning and a little creativity and I really don’t find that to be any great hardship. As for the things we can’t do together? I personally believe that no one should do everything together because no one person can fill every need or want. I do all the things I love, if it is something he can’t do, I do it myself or go with friends and family.

[qbounce]

You already mentioned that there's love in the relationship, and what better block is there with which to build on than that?

It definately works, but you already knew that. what do you want to hear? Yes, things take a little longer for your partner getting dressed. There are more health concerns like UTI's or pressure sores. You may be expected to do most of the grocery shopping, because it's difficult for us to reach the top shelf.

Guess you just need to take that leap of faith and see how it goes.

[Tetracyclone]

Give yourself time. It is not necessary to marry someone, or to plan a life together to learn what it means to be intimate with them. Talk together about what you want next, and what it does not mean. Honesty clears many obstacles.

[CR_L1]

ohio4282, on Nov 11 2009, 07:50 PM, said:

In any good relationship, there will always be some drawbacks and some positives. And like any relationship, to be good, it has to be worked at and compromises will have to be made.

I think everything that needed saying was said in the quote above.

You should know that any relationship is a learning curve & this one don’t need to be any different from any other, just take your time.
The only thing that bothers me is it would seem you are looking at your pending relationship with this new person as different because he has a disability & if you have true feelings for this person, his disability shouldn’t have entered your mind & you should not have any doubts.

The best advise I can give is if you have doubts is to talk about them with the person you refer to & take your time.


Best of luck,
CR

[guido]

CR_L1, on Nov 11 2009, 08:36 PM, said:

The only thing that bothers me is it would seem you are looking at your pending relationship with this new person as different because he has a disability & if you have true feelings for this person, his disability shouldn't have entered your mind & you should not have any doubts.

Hey CR_L1

Agree generally with what's said in this thread, and what else you said, but can't agree entirely with this one thought (above): there are so many different kinds of love (preparing to be shouted down by all the out and out romantics in the house) that different reality/practical concerns do come to mind, and not all relationships start out with mind blowing love, but can be respect and affection, common ground, etc...

All I'm saying is Lulu Star shouldn't think she is a pariah or not normal or unworthy of the start of a relationship - which DOES have practical differences in it to an AB relationship (no, not at all unsurmountable, I totally agree). We're all human, and we're all working it out. It's okay to think what we do and ask questions, so long as we're not out to harm anyone.

[Lulu Star]

guido, on Nov 12 2009, 06:59 AM, said:

We're all human, and we're all working it out. It's okay to think what we do and ask questions, so long as we're not out to harm anyone.[/color]

Absolutely, we're all human. It may have sounded this way in my original post but I do not, in any way, think of him as "different" than me other than him getting around on a wheelchair and me on my feet. Which is just mechanics. It's not something that makes me think "Wow we're so different." We are different personality wise. Which is one of the reasons why we get along well. We challenge each other in a fun way. I think because some of my friends do find this "different" I didn't feel I could talk to them. Like a woman would talk to her girlfriends about a guy she had feelings for. I was in a confused state when I posted, just needing to express my thoughts out loud I suppose. You all have been nice to take the time out to express your opinions. Thank you.