20 replies to this topic

[Chaz&Nina]

My girlfriend Nina and I have been together since February, we are amazing together and we are both so happy. 99% of the time Nina is happy, bubbly, funny, and a generally very happy person. But every so often she has her bad days, which is totally understandable considering her circumstances. (I couldn't imagine living in her situation, i think she's amazing)

Anyway to the point. She gets in a mental state where all of her negative thoughts come into one big bad mood. And most of the time I manage to cheer her up. This is hard as we live 250 miles away from each other and this has to be done over the phone.

Basically what I'm asking, is if any of you fellow spouses/ carers have been/ get in this situation, and what you do about it.

The reason I'm posting this is because I've just come off the phone to her and she is in a bad way, she usually reads her book to, as she puts it, escape, but she doesn't like the one she is reading at the moment, and making the effort to get out of bed will increase her mood, I've told her to listen to some music and call me if she feels no different, hopefully she will drift off to sleep.

Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing anything wrong? Help me out here as I like to think that we can totally rely on each other, and I feel like a failure if what I do isn't enough.

I want to here what you spouses/ carers do to help, but I also want to here from the victims of these thoughts what they want to hear/ do when they are in the same state of mind.

Hope that all made sense, and thanks in advance for any replies.

Chaz.

[Tetracyclone]

a lover's mood should not bee your responsibility. Sometimes we can and want to help, sometimes we cannot or don't want to. Each of us in responsible for what is in our head and heart.

[Chaz&Nina]

 Pwuff, on Nov 18 2009, 10:09 PM, said:

a lover's mood should not bee your responsibility. Sometimes we can and want to help, sometimes we cannot or don't want to. Each of us in responsible for what is in our head and heart.

I want it to be my responsibility. It's the way our relationship works.

My question was how I should help, not weather I should or not.

Chaz.

[guido]

 Chaz&Nina, on Nov 18 2009, 10:36 PM, said:

 Pwuff, on Nov 18 2009, 10:09 PM, said:

a lover's mood should not bee your responsibility. Sometimes we can and want to help, sometimes we cannot or don't want to. Each of us in responsible for what is in our head and heart.

I want it to be my responsibility. It's the way our relationship works.

My question was how I should help, not weather I should or not.

Chaz.

Okay, I understand what you're saying, but let's put what Pwuff says in a different context.

There's an old phrase that says: "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and feed him for a whole life."

If we take the depleted fish stocks out of the equation, I have suffered the black dog in the past as Nina is, and I learned understanding as a way to solve it. Ultimately, only I was able to lift or change my moods, because it was me that put me there in the first place. If you want to really help Nina then you can help her find the path that will teach her to understand and deal with her moods - if she wants to. Many people don't want to change habits that they know and can rely on.

That is not to say it is easy or can happen overnight, but it can be done. For me Hratch Ogali was my ticket out.

Otherwise you're stuck with little coping strategies of affection and distraction, which are heart-warming and all that some people want, but will do nothing to break the cycles.

[Chaz&Nina]

Thank you, I understand where your coming from and agree somewhat. But if Nina were to be left alone to her own devices, her moods result in physical consequences that I don't wish to talk about on here.

And she has been doing so well, as we've found a method which is helping her a lot. And letting her go back on her improvements would be distressing for the both of us.

I agree it would be easier for Nina to help herself. But I don't think at this stage she can. She wants it to stop, and she has suggested extra help which I disagree with. I would much prefer (because I know we can) deal with it ourselves. I am just simply looking for pointers which could help her feel better.


Thanks,

Chaz..

[guido]

 Chaz&Nina, on Nov 18 2009, 10:58 PM, said:

She wants it to stop, and she has suggested extra help which I disagree with. I would much prefer (because I know we can) deal with it ourselves. I am just simply looking for pointers which could help her feel better.

If she wants it, why not let her have extra help?? You sound very caring, but (and I don't mean to be offensive - you asked me for opinions, so here is mine) borderline controlling. This can be a VERY bad thing for depressives as it locks them into a cycle from which they are really trapped and dependent, increasing the depressions and related anxieties.

Of course you know the situation far better than I do.

But if you want to help, rather than just say you helped, keep an open mind and don't immediately dismiss professionals, outsiders or those with experience.

[greybeard]

 Chaz&Nina, on Nov 18 2009, 10:58 PM, said:

Thank you, I understand where your coming from and agree somewhat. But if Nina were to be left alone to her own devices, her moods result in physical consequences that I don't wish to talk about on here.

And she has been doing so well, as we've found a method which is helping her a lot. And letting her go back on her improvements would be distressing for the both of us.

I agree it would be easier for Nina to help herself. But I don't think at this stage she can. She wants it to stop, and she has suggested extra help which I disagree with. I would much prefer (because I know we can) deal with it ourselves. I am just simply looking for pointers which could help her feel better.


Thanks,

Chaz..

How are you able to be her carer from a distance of 250 miles?

My understanding of your posts is that she is the one with the injury. If she feels she needs extra help, don't you think it is unreasonable of you to object simply because you think you can deal with her issues by yourselves.

Sorry, but that sounds to me as though you are putting your own needs before hers. It is hard to see how that is in her best interests.

[edlee]

To think you can do better than a trained professional,, from 250 miles,,, and on the telephone,,, well,, you're the one who has to decide if the above sounds rational.

To the rest of us,,, well,, you know.

As for wanting to help,, great,,, be there for her,,, listen to her without judging. Most of what we need when we are depressed, is someone to listen and to care. As far as helping her goes,,,, that's for those with training,,, it's why they have offices and we don't.
ed

[gordonr]

What exactly makes it neccesary for you to live apart?

-G

[hooplady]

Chaz, I'm not sure I can help but I can give you my experience. At first I felt as you do, that my b/f needed my support in order to get over his bad moods. But after awhile I learned that, as Guido pointed out, it's much better to teach him to fish. I had to learn that he was entirely responsible for his own moods and mental health. When he has a bad day and gets depressed and frustrated, I do what I can to encourage him but I no longer allow myself to play therapist. In truth I was probably only adding to his stress because he felt that he had to be happy and strong while I was around.

So now when he's in a crappy mood and nothing I do seems to be cheering him, I leave him alone for awhile. It doesn't take him long to work through his bad patch and get to the other side. Everyone's entitled to feel what they feel and get past it; having another person there just prolongs the process.

You say her moods will result in "physical consequences." If you mean that she is so depressed that she might harm herself, then she needs professional help, no ifs ands or buts.

Your relationship is somewhat new, less than a year. Please don't take it upon yourself to "fix" her. That will only lead to longterm heartache for both of you.

Good luck!

[JustJayde]

If she wants to have outside/professional help you should be encouraging her to seek that out... not telling her she doesn't need it and that you can deal with it on your own... I say shame on you for that. Especially if she has a habit or thoughts of self harm.

[Chaz&Nina]

To greybeard and edlee's replies. I meant psychological help not physical help. She is totally independent, and if there's something she can't do, her parents are there to help (she lives at home), as do I.

As for the professional help, I think the reason I'm against is because I'm scared. My family are not the sort of people that have ever done that sort of thing, so I guess I've never been brought up to experience what happens, and I guess I am just so clueless on the whole idea. I think this is what has made me against it. And also, I feel we have been doing well recently to prevent it, and she is doing really well.

Anyway, she is fine today, and although you have all been very helpful and have changed my point of view somewhat, I still want to know about anyone who is/ has been in a similar situation, and what they do. Will leaving her alone really help? Because I always thought that if she was left alone it would be harder to get away from that state of mind. And also, she rings me, surely that means she wants me to be there? Not leaving her alone?

Is it just a case of we're all different and should deal with it our own way?

Because I think having such a life changing experience happen to you, there will always be those bad days.

I think I'm just thinking out loud now, so I'm going to let you guys and girls ponder on what I have said.

And thank you for your replies.

Chaz..

[gordonr]

I'd still like to know why you guys are not living together, and now that I know you are both with your parents, I am wondering how old you are.

-G

[rue2you]

I am a very happy bubbly person 99% of the time also. Actually, most people (including my husband) say that they cannot believe my tremendous attitude since all this has happened. I am very independent and I don't want help even when I need it. It just rubs me wrong. However....that puts this invisible pressure on you that you are never allowed to have a bad day because you don't want to disappoint anyone by actually being human! However, like everyone else there are times that are bad. Normally, for me, it is a series of frustrations that can kick it off. Like, I can't find my kids show because it is under the bed and I can't reach it. Then I can't reach the cough medicine they need because it was put up in the cabinet and I can't reach it. Then, someone left 4 things in a row on the floor and I have had to stop (or get stopped) by running over it. Normally after a series of these things, I get kind of growly and it just kind of hits yo uin the gut again that you are limited. Nobody likes to be reminded of that. It then sets me in a grouchy mood. I would NEVER go to my hubby and say "Honey, I am having a hard time today and I just really need you to have a pity party with me because I am having one." No, instead I just start griping about stupid things and he realizes that I am in a bad mood. Then, he will say "Are you okay?" And I will say, "I will be. Just give me a little time." He does and continues on like everything is okay or he might try to make me laugh or something. Normally, it really is learning to fish for yourself and figure out what it takes to get your mind in another gear. Most of the time, it takes me a couple hours to re-channel my thoughts, but it has taken longer at other times. Night is probably harder because you lay there and think and dwell on it too much. For myself, I just try to quit swelling on it. I do believe that we are in control of our minds and we are not captives of it. I am not talking about a physical mental problem though. I am only talking about our minds and our outlook on life.
I just asked my husband what he does. He said that he thinks this is the time that he and I DON'T talk about the disability but talk about something completely different and positive. Like, where we are going for vacation...or our next date...or just a book or movie. Anything but that. When I am feeling blue, talking about it doesn't help. It only makes me dwell on it more so he wants to help me get my mind off of it. The exception is if I want to talk about it, then he will. But typically, when I am in one of "those" moods, I am not in the mood to talk - just brood. I do want to talk about it at times, but I am not blue at those times.
I hope all this rambling makes sense and can be of some help.

[Jana09]

I've had a long-distance relationship (same distance 250 miles) with an AB but am now in a lovely
relationship with a T4 para who lives much closer!

The LDR was absolute torture, we only saw eachother once or twice a month and trying to communicate serious issues over the phone was really hard. To be in a long-distance relationship
with someone who has such ongoing psychological issues as your girl-friend must be incredibly
hard on you both. Like the others have asked, why aren't you together? And if you simply can't be,
have you any plans as to when you can be? That's vital in an LDR. And how often do you actually
see eachother?

[Chaz&Nina]

rue2you your post was very helpful thank you I think I'm getting there, obviously everyone is different, and obviously Nina does want me to talk to her. But I definitely don't talk about her injury, and yes I always try and make her think about what we're going to do when we next meet up, like plan in her head different things to do which keeps her busy, or just think of some of amazing memories we already have together.

The reason we are not living together is because we are both at college, but we plan to go to the same university and go traveling etc, later resulting in us hopefully having our own place

So yeah thats the reason, wish it was simpler though

Communication wise, we use Skype, so we can see each other ant talk to each other. It's sort of ritual bow, we get home and turn skype on, so she's sort of with me the whole time we're both at home. Obviously it's nothing like being with each other, but it makes every time we are together really special, and it works for us. And it makes us so strong as a couple.

I think I have the right idea now of what to do and what not to do, so thank you everyone for your help

Much appreciated.

Chaz.

[greybeard]

 Chaz&Nina, on Nov 20 2009, 05:28 PM, said:

I think I have the right idea now of what to do and what not to do, so thank you everyone for your help

One fairly obvious thing that you seem not to have done - and one that would probably be of most benefit to her in all sorts of ways - is to get her to sign up to this forum and to participate in it.

[qbounce]

Here here greybeard! If she's feeling insecure and alone, who better to help than others going through the same situation?

[Chaz&Nina]

Greybeard, she has the details of this log in hence the name. I will continue to encourage her to use it as I totally agree with you.

She has a small obsession with Facebook though

Chaz.

[greybeard]

 Chaz&Nina, on Nov 21 2009, 07:17 PM, said:

Greybeard, she has the details of this log in hence the name. I will continue to encourage her to use it as I totally agree with you.

She has a small obsession with Facebook though

Chaz.

Sorry mate, but I think it is a really, REALLY, bad idea for you to share the same login.

What happens if she wants private advice on some aspect of her relationship with you?

She should be encouraged to register for herself and to choose a login name that is, and remains, completely unknown to you. That way she would be able to open up, anonymously, here - without feeling that you are breathing down her neck all the time.

It seems to me that you are crowding her. I might be wrong, but that's the impression I get from your posts. Give the girl some space.

[gordonr]

 greybeard, on Nov 21 2009, 11:33 PM, said:

Sorry mate, but I think it is a really, REALLY, bad idea for you to share the same login.

Wow. I am agreeing with GB, again!

oh well.

-G