[needs guidance]

This is all new to me . . . so I'm not even sure I'm posting in the right place.

My husband's dad has been in a wheelchair for 31 years now. My husband was 9 when his dad had the accident. I know the family - from the stories I hear - made incredibly difficult adjustments that took many years to adapt to. I'm sure that's true for everyone in these situations.

But now my husband is a father himself and at the age of his father's accident - and our kids are at the age he was at the time of the accident. Although counseling was offered to my husband he never went and his parents never pushed it. They made his younger brother go at the time and his mom went. My husband never did.

It's my opinion that he's never dealt with the trauma of what happened. I think there are a few years in his childhood he doesn't remember because of this. His dad was in the hospital and in rehab and then other stuff for more than 6 months after the accident. He's said it before that he had to become the man of the family at a young age. But where this leave us now, 31 years later, is a lot of pent up anger. Anger that he's never dealt with. There are other thing I could go into - but will wait until later posts.

Counseling would be a good option - but it's not going to happen with my husband at this time! I know him too well. I'm looking for books I could read that might help him. Some sort of insight and guidance to move us along at this point in our marriage and our chidlren's lives. We're jsut at a bump in the road and I want to help him over it.

If anyone has thoughts or ideas to share . . . I open to hear them.

Thanks so much!

[nomis]

I agree with you that counseling would be good but as you rightly point out that has to come from him. If he is not motivated to change things then nothing else can change him.

From your point of view, I can understand you wanting to help but in reality the best you can do probably is to accept things as they are and maybe there'll be changes one day. I guess it needn't hurt to point out to your husband what you see but your husband may not appreciate that, either.

It's frustrating for you, particularly when behind the anger undoubtedly will be the hurt and the loving. Pity to miss out on that good stuff...but for your husband it probably feels real scarey.

I sure hope that in his own time your husband does share his feelings with his dad and doesn't leave it too late as so often is the case...and that only leaves regret.

[needs guidance]

Thanks for the thoughts. I need to hear the acceptance thing. It's who he is and I love him regardless.