4 replies to this topic

[needs guidance]

This is all new to me . . . so I'm not even sure I'm posting in the right place.

My husband's dad has been in a wheelchair for 31 years now. My husband was 9 when his dad had the accident. I know the family - from the stories I hear - made incredibly difficult adjustments that took many years to adapt to. I'm sure that's true for everyone in these situations.

But now my husband is a father himself and at the age of his father's accident - and our kids are at the age he was at the time of the accident. Although counseling was offered to my husband he never went and his parents never pushed it. They made his younger brother go at the time and his mom went. My husband never did.

It's my opinion that he's never dealt with the trauma of what happened. I think there are a few years in his childhood he doesn't remember because of this. His dad was in the hospital and in rehab and then other stuff for more than 6 months after the accident. He's said it before that he had to become the man of the family at a young age. But where this leaves us now, 31 years later, is a lot of pent up anger. Anger that he's never dealt with. There are other thing I could go into - but will wait until later posts.

Counseling would be a good option - but it's not going to happen with my husband at this time. I know him too well. I'm looking for books I could read that might help me understand him more or possibly even help him. Some sort of insight and guidance to move us along at this point in our marriage and our children's lives. We're jsut at a bump in the road and I want to help us over it.

If anyone has thoughts or ideas to share . . . I open to hear them.

Thanks so much!

[MrBump]

whats he angry about ?????
his dad becoming wheelchair bound unintentiionally ?

[Ratticis]

No offence, but it sounds like he needs to get over himself and grow up. I mean, how did he have to become "the man of the family"? Did his dad die? And what's he mad about? I'm sure it wasn't his dads idea

[Dave Bishopstone]

Hi 'needs guidance'

Slightly confused, you seem to be making assumptions on your husbands behalf - what does he actually say?

31 years is a long time ago, long enough I would have thought to reconcile ones feelings. A couple of years ago I reached the age my father died, all I felt was gratitude I have managed lived beyond his age, as well as feelings of affection a son has for his father.

Likewise a few years ago my wife and I devoted a lot of our time to our then, newly spinally injured son, I can't imagine in 31 years time or at anytime in the future we will have to reconcile ourselves to anything other than having done our best and having survived it, better still, we played our part in helping someone we love piece his life together again.

Could there perhaps be another reason for your husband's perceived 'anger'?


David

[Jax]

needs guidance, on Dec 4 2009, 08:02 PM, said:

This is all new to me . . . so I'm not even sure I'm posting in the right place.

My husband's dad has been in a wheelchair for 31 years now. My husband was 9 when his dad had the accident. I know the family - from the stories I hear - made incredibly difficult adjustments that took many years to adapt to. I'm sure that's true for everyone in these situations.

But now my husband is a father himself and at the age of his father's accident - and our kids are at the age he was at the time of the accident. Although counseling was offered to my husband he never went and his parents never pushed it. They made his younger brother go at the time and his mom went. My husband never did.

It's my opinion that he's never dealt with the trauma of what happened. I think there are a few years in his childhood he doesn't remember because of this. His dad was in the hospital and in rehab and then other stuff for more than 6 months after the accident. He's said it before that he had to become the man of the family at a young age. But where this leaves us now, 31 years later, is a lot of pent up anger. Anger that he's never dealt with. There are other thing I could go into - but will wait until later posts.

Counseling would be a good option - but it's not going to happen with my husband at this time. I know him too well. I'm looking for books I could read that might help me understand him more or possibly even help him. Some sort of insight and guidance to move us along at this point in our marriage and our children's lives. We're jsut at a bump in the road and I want to help us over it.

If anyone has thoughts or ideas to share . . . I open to hear them.

Thanks so much!

First, there's no explanation of the "anger" you are perceiving. How does he show anger? How does it appear to relate to his dad? In order to even begin to make an informed attempt to help, better information is necessary.

Second, as Dave B said, could there be another reason for the anger you perceive? We cannot know, or even begin to guess, without knowing how that "anger" is being shown. Again, we need more information.

Third, if he does need help, but doesn't want it, there's nothing you can do about it. He will likely fight against anything that makes him feel uncomfortable or emasculated, or anything that could interfere with his pride (which includes counseling-many men refuse counseling due to pride). Pushing him to get help will only make it worse. He will begin to feel as if you are emasculating him (whether or not you actually are has absolutely no bearing on how it will make him feel), and that will bring about resentment and more anger.

All you can do is love him and support him, and be reassuring. He needs it. Reassure him that he is loved and that he is a good man. Just don't pressure him. If he decides to talk about it, great. If not, you are not going to change his mind, like it or not. I'm not trying to be mean, but, too often, women push and push men to talk. Women try to change men instead of loving them as they are. Show him that you love and accept him as he is, and he might talk to you. Push him to talk to you, and he'll shut down automatically.