[Channy]

This is my 1st post here. My fiancee is a new paraplegic (sorry, don't know the 'level' of injury but he has no feeling below the nipple line, if that helps). He was in a truck accident on Oct 24th. We're both very young (he's 25 and I'm 22) and we have a 1 year old daughter together. He is doing great, attitude-wise. He always looks on the bright side of things and hasn't had very many down days since his accident where he is visibly upset. Me, on the otherhand, things are a bit rough. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I love the man to death, don't get me wrong. But I have a LOT of pent up anger. I just keep asking myself "why us? why did this have to happen to us?" and I know I should just be glad that he's alive and I am, but Im so worried about what this is going to do to our relationship. Our relationship is already strained now because his family has been meddling a LOT and won't ever give us alone time and he doesn't speak up to them to tell them that we need our alone time. I even had a yelling match with his Mom a few days ago b/c of all of this. He doesn't see how much strain his family is putting on OUR family and it blows. It doesn't matter how much I talk to him, he doesn't seem to be able to understand what his family is doing to our relationship.

Anyway, that intro aside, I was just wondering if anyone else who is a caregiver to an injured person has ever felt this way? It's gotten to the point where when I see happy, walking, handholding couples, I just want to go punch them in the face because I'm jealous I won't have that with my man anymore.

Sidenote: This is my 1st post here and I'm sure I'll be making many more in the days, weeks, months to come. My fiancee is still in rehab (will be for another 6 months at least).

[doublelibra]

Welcome, Channy. I'm a quadriplegic, not a caregiver. I can say, however, that I think your anger is very normal and understandable. If you feel ok with going to counseling, I would strongly recommend it. It would give you a safe place to vent, and to sort out your feelings. I hope you'll keep coming on this website, because there is a tremendous amount of understanding, support and information here. I wish you and your fiancee the best. -doublelibra

This post has been edited by doublelibra: 11 December 2009 - 12:50 PM

[snowqueeneh]

My husband is a quadriplegic. It's been a year Dec 7 for us. I still feel anger and it is very normal. I don't know if that ever truly goes away. I just try to keep my mind in check when it wanders. I try and remember that when things were normal I had no idea what I had... and neither do others. Let's face it... the majority of the world will never know or understand what it's like. So - given that - Paul and I are much closer than ever before. We have a different relationship then before. I still struggle to figure it all out but I do know that different is not always bad. It may seem that way at first but as time goes on I find a new appreciation for life. It's something no one can find unless they are touched by tragedy.

[hooplady]

Hi Channy,
Sounds like your fiancee's level is about the same as my b/f's - T2 or thereabouts. Your anger is normal as is the additional strain with his family. The anger will subside over time if you let it; but if you feed it it'll hang around way too long and devour everything else.

Of course it isn't fair. Nothing in life is really fair, is it? Right now you can't worry about why it happened because that answer is unknowable. You need to think about today and tomorrow, and not too much further into the future. Yes, you may not be able to walk hand-in-hand anymore but in the greater scheme of things that will hardly matter. You two may become closer than you ever knew was possible, or your relationship may not survive. You don't know yet so don't add that to your list of worries.

Take things one day at a time. If you want to avoid his family, then schedule your visits so you have some alone time with him (hah! I typed that and then I remembered what rehab is like - you're never alone!). Seek counseling to help you deal with this. Come here, read and learn, and lash out at us instead of those blissfully ignorant handholding couples. And make sure you are getting enough sleep and good nutrition - you have to take care of yourself and your child too, otherwise you'll be even more likely to fly off the handle.

Good luck with your journey - it's guaranteed to be a bumpy road but there are a lot of things to learn along the way.

-Janet

[qbounce]

Channy,
You're fortunate to have found a support site like this so early on. I know how difficult a time it is for you and your family right now, and my heart goes out to you all.

[guido]

Hi Channy

I'm sorry that you had to find us, but welcome: we're on your side. There is little I can add to what the others have said. There is no reason that any of this has happened to your husband or you and your family. It ust did and now you are left picking up your lives. These are VERY early days for his accident, and you can't know what lies ahead, maybe better, maybe worse. Everyone here will tell you to take each day as it comes at this stage. This REALLY helps. Things will become clearer in time.

Anger is a very normal reaction to such a significant and traumatic event, but if left unchecked it will eat away at you and stop you from seeing your way through this mess. Anger guilt and jealousy can all eat away at you. And as they are emotional states, it is only you that can control them. Right now there will be a whirlwind of stuff going on around you, and most of it terrifying, upsetting or shocking. You need to find your own space in this chaos, because even if it is only 5 minutes of calm in every day, it will make the difference and get you through.

Ask for counselling or learn meditation (5 minutes in a day will make a difference) or acupuncture (if the practicioner is good).

And ask us specific questions, because when you start breaking down the enormity of SCI it becomes more manageable. (Like trying to eat a cow at one sitting.) You won't want to hear it now, but time heals much and provides many of the answers.

When one half of a couple has an SCI there are 3 relationships that have to work through the big change: the SCI person with themself, the couple together, and the partner with themself. And the time it takes for each relationship to work through the trauma and change don't necessarily happen all at the same time. Knowing this won't make it easier but it might help with the patience.

It's doubly hard for you because you have a very dependant daughter to think about. Let her be your strength, because in turn she'll be soaking up everything that is going on around her.

It's the old mantra: In with anger, out with love. (Suck up the bad stuff and project the good. It'll pay you dividends)

Best wishes

Guido

[allis53ca]

i had something to say, but hooplady and guido, pretty much covered it

[reallynewatthis]

Hi Channy:

I'm a newbie as well, my husband's accident was November 20th and he is still in critical care. Yes, I understand the anger as well. My rage is directed at his so-called friends that encouraged his reckless behavior and then delayed seeking medical care for him when he was injured (they stood in a circle yelling 'YA OKAY, YA NEED AN AMBULANCE . . .')

So, I know exactly where you are with your anger. Luckily, my husband's family has been a blessing. But, I also stepped in and took charge of the situation and his care and made it clear that while I was open to suggestions, I made the final decisions.

However, when I look at the mountain of work needed for our business and even things as simple as the boxes he had piled up on a really high shelf that I now have to cope with, I want to yell and cry, often at the same time.

This is a good place for both. Keep posting and keep in touch. PM if you ever want to talk off the board.

[GLENDA]

Channy, on Dec 10 2009, 08:39 PM, said:

This is my 1st post here. My fiancee is a new paraplegic (sorry, don't know the 'level' of injury but he has no feeling below the nipple line, if that helps). He was in a truck accident on Oct 24th. We're both very young (he's 25 and I'm 22) and we have a 1 year old daughter together. He is doing great, attitude-wise. He always looks on the bright side of things and hasn't had very many down days since his accident where he is visibly upset. Me, on the otherhand, things are a bit rough. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I love the man to death, don't get me wrong. But I have a LOT of pent up anger. I just keep asking myself "why us? why did this have to happen to us?" and I know I should just be glad that he's alive and I am, but Im so worried about what this is going to do to our relationship. Our relationship is already strained now because his family has been meddling a LOT and won't ever give us alone time and he doesn't speak up to them to tell them that we need our alone time. I even had a yelling match with his Mom a few days ago b/c of all of this. He doesn't see how much strain his family is putting on OUR family and it blows. It doesn't matter how much I talk to him, he doesn't seem to be able to understand what his family is doing to our relationship.

Anyway, that intro aside, I was just wondering if anyone else who is a caregiver to an injured person has ever felt this way? It's gotten to the point where when I see happy, walking, handholding couples, I just want to go punch them in the face because I'm jealous I won't have that with my man anymore.

Sidenote: This is my 1st post here and I'm sure I'll be making many more in the days, weeks, months to come. My fiancee is still in rehab (will be for another 6 months at least).

Take a deep breath....Time will tell. Ask for what you want nicely...ahead of time or in the moment ask could we have some time alone? I wish I could tell you this will all go away..Love your man right where he is today. Count what you do have not what you do not have..this is what you need to do for you!!
Glenda

[Channy]

I just want to thank everyone for their responses. I am glad to have found this message board. I don't know of any other person in "real life" that's in this situation so it's nice to be able to talk about these things, the future, my concerns, etc, with people who know what's going on!

[stef]

Hi there!
I read your post and I just want to tell you that you are not alone in this situation.
My husband got injured 6 months ago and he just got at home 3 days ago.
He is a c6-c7 injury.
I feel the same way you do but with the plus that I feel mad at him.
Its getting really hard on me and I am sure on him too.
I have the same feelings you have and I am sorry I cant tell you what to cause I dont know what to do myself.
All I can say is just wait to see how things will go in the future.
Its really hard on me and I think I dont want to accept our new life.
But try!! dont give up yet I am trying too.
Take care and if you want we can be chat friends

[MDK]

Channy,

It has been 7.5 years for me & although I occasionally have "bad " days, mostly I'm grateful that we have a caring / supportive family.
Perhaps right now he needs his extended family around him as well?
Hooplady 's post is very to the point and realistic ... worth reading it few times (as I did)
All the best,
Mioara

This post has been edited by MDK: 20 December 2009 - 12:56 PM

[Courtney]

Many of us feel the same way. It's hard, and it's only been 18 months since my husbands injury. I still have the why us? moments. It does get easier. My first piece of advice to you would be to learn everything that you can. (This website has a wealth of information) read books, ask questions....lots of questions. Write down what you want to ask the doctors and nurses, because you will forget if you don't write it down. Be proactive.

Next issue....family.....this is a tough one, I was my husbands exwife when he was injured, we had reconciled, however, some of his family didn't see it that way. You may have to be the one to stand up for him, because he is very overwhelmed right now. Talk to his family (probably without him unfortunately) and explain to them that you are his family too and that you and your daughter need some alone time without everyone "hovering" (which I am sure is what they are all doing) Let them be concerned and worried, they are his parents/sisters/brothers/ etc and they are just as worried about him as you are.....but your fiance will need his space too, he is still a man and his life has now been forever changed. Since he is a para, he will eventually be completely independant, but it will take time and patience...push him to do things for himself and don't let everyone wait on him hand and foot....start small.....

have patience and be strong, this is a very difficult endeavor that you and your fiance and daughter are about to take on, but you can do it together.....