[itsjustme]

I am a para. I have no idea how a quad deals with life any more than an AB knows how any chair lifer deals with it. I've come into contact with an 18 year old young man who became a quad 2 weeks before his high school graduation this year.

He is so bitter and so angry especially with his parents for letting him live. He blames them for his situation accepting no responsibility on his own part. He makes it harder on those who care for him by even spitting on those who cath him.

Do any of you have any words for this young man?

[Ratticis]

Ya get over yourself you little f*@king douchebag! People like this piss me off to no end. Boo hoo f*@kin hoo, life's so hard. That's too damn easy! Guess what, we've all got problems! Granted, it's not fair but that's life. Does he honestly think his parents wanted him like this? Bitch and whine about what you lost instead of being grateful for what you have. So be a miserable prick, but don't be suprised when you're alone and empty inside. And if he feels he'd be better off shedding this mortal coil, good riddence, one less anti-social gimp.

[SuzinNYC]

My boyfriend, a C6/7 quad, who was also rendered legally blind by the accident took about 4 years to accept his injury and new status - and became the man I fell in love with, and he was 31 at the time of his accident. 18 is so young.....and the best his family can do right now is get him in therapy and let him sort it out. Roger was angry at the doctors for saving him, his parents for not letting him die, himself for having the accident, and twice attempted suicide. Today he says that he's glad he had his accident, because without it we would never have met. We're planning our future, he looks forward to being a step dad to my 15 year old, who adores him....so I guess all I can tell him is that there is a vital life he can have in the future, and I hope he doesn't take long to find it.

[Scribbler]

itsjustme, on Dec 21 2009, 08:05 AM, said:

I am a para. I have no idea how a quad deals with life any more than an AB knows how any chair lifer deals with it. I've come into contact with an 18 year old young man who became a quad 2 weeks before his high school graduation this year.

He is so bitter and so angry especially with his parents for letting him live. He blames them for his situation accepting no responsibility on his own part. He makes it harder on those who care for him by even spitting on those who cath him.

Do any of you have any words for this young man?

I was 18 when I was injured, I'm now approaching 70. I didn't go through that bitter stage, but as an ex-serviceman, my military discipline probably helped.
I've since seen people go through the process you describe; its a phase some go through. They blame the people closest to them, push them away and hurt them; it a kind of test of their loyalty to the injured person. They mustn't let him wallow in his self pity, if he's rude or hurtful then they should just walk away and say, "We'll come back when you're in a better mood". He mustn't be allowed to abuse people like he's doing; its out of order.

We are all different so react in different ways. It will be a long and difficult road ahead, but he'll eventually see there are better times ahead.

Mike

[Avocado Baby]

I've never been through the experience of having been injured as my disability is congenital and I can only imagine how awful it must be.

I think you have some great advice here but all I can say is that he 'is' alive so needs to make the most of what he's got. Get in touch with people who can help and advise him.

I hope he feels better soon.

[Tetracyclone]

Any quad makes a CHOICE to live, regardless how good the medical care. He lived because his young body is full of vitality and he wanted to live. If he was too dumb to choose pneumonia when it was a good option, well that is his responsibility. If he was too young and dumb to have a living will in place, that is his responsibility. The blame lies with him.

He definitely needs a professional counselor. Perhaps at this point his parents will benefit most from any comfort you can offer.

I knew what I was up against and chose life because I had unfinished business. The business will be done soon and I will carry on for as long as there is joy.

[pistol_pete]

Tell him not to write off life just yet.
Ask a hell of a lot of people on this forum and they'll tell you their lives took a turn for the better in at least some small way that it never would haave done had they not been injured.
I'm enrolling in university this year, something I NEVER would have done if that tree hadn't decided to fall when it did.
Right now he's being wrenched painfully from his old life into his new one, with just as many possibilities ahead.
Ride it out with all the balls and fight of a young man in his prime.

"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light"

Don't give up ya young punk.

[Quad65]

Ratticis may be a little harsh, but what is said is true. Life is tough-- and then you die. So? I was injured at 17, in 1965. I'm pushing 62 now. Yeah, it's been hard, but I've also had some incredibly good stuff happen. I married a beautiful, sweet, and loyal woman (31 years now!), had a decent working career, fathered a crazy daughter, have a precious grand-daughter, and I have a nice house in a good location.

Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't become a quad at 17. I graduated high school in '66 and I'm sure I would have been drafted and dumped right into the middle of the crap in Viet Nam. Then what? Killed, become disabled there, drugs, alcohol, Agent Orange, PTSD? You never really know how the dice will fall, so you may as well keep rolling and ride it out.

Life has one guarantee: At some point it will end. May as well enjoy whatever you have, 'cuz there ain't nothing else.

[ajl338]

Every time i think i am accepting being like i am i still go through periods of being angry. I am mainly angry because i am injured through no fault of my own. I did / do lots of mad things and all it took was one doctor on a routine LP to make me like this. Then when i start calming down i actually get to the point when i blame myself (even though it isnt my fault) for agreeing to let them do it to me and not asking more questions (you are always wise afterwards)

Before injury when i was cross or angry and needed to channel energy by going for a long run and preferably in the hills. This now isnt possible but sport is still a good way to get endorphins working which do a lot for mood, its like your bodies own anti-depressents and afterwards you are properly tired and benifit from a good sleep.

I have no idea what level quad this bloke is but is it possible to be intentive and find something physical for him to do to let him release some anger.

with regards parents, mine didnt want to know, the doctors told them there was nothing wrong with me (as they had caused it) and my parents should be harsh on me and not pitty me, they were told to leave me alone and let me struggle,(i'm only a para by the way) i hated it that way and could have really done with some help.

Part of my on going issues nearly 4 years on is i hate asking for help with things, it makes me feel less of a woman but i am very slowly learning i cant fight the whole world.

I would be advising his parents to be harsh on him and again walk away every time he is rude, that way he will have to ask at the point he realises cant do something or invent a way to do it. If he is asking you have to b a bit nicer as you have invitied that person into your life to do something and if you spit at them they go away again. It might mean he ends up back in hospital with a UTI etc from not doing bladder control but believe me there is one thing worse than not being able to do something at home and that is still not being able to do it but also being in hospital. The lad is of adult age so he needs to take responsibility (regarless of disability)

What i have found happens to you when all you do is focus on yourself is you forget everyone else and also you lose prospective on things. All people have issues with life, nothing is ever easy for most people, you still have to deal with the same crap as other people having a broken back doesnt change that. You just have some other stuff happening aswell.

[quadinva]

As always, everybody seems to be on the money with this one. The one thing I think I can add is the ol cliche "what doesnt kill us, makes us stronger". Im thankful I didn't go through the bitter stage, and probably attribute that to having put myself in this situation (ie i dove into the pool, nobody pushed me etc). im sure its different with every circumstance and is harder when it is no fault of your own. However, ive found that im much stronger, kinder, and humbled by my experience and ultimately thankful (sounds twisted i know). having read many posts on here i think most sci's come to a similar realization at some point, whether it be a day or ten years post injury.

[The Black Sheep]

I've met a few people that have gone through that stage, both chair-bound and AB peoples. I went through it a little bit, but it was mainly depression and I didn't outright blame anyone for it. For the most part, he's probably coming to the realization that his life has changed forever. When that sets in, especially to an 18 year old who's limber and full of teenage-spunk, it hits pretty hard.

Boo hoo for now, but he will at some point have to either get over and learn to cope, or be one of the constantly angry wheelchair folk. (I'm sure we've all met someone like that, wheelchair or not)

[dom]

Scribbler, on Dec 21 2009, 11:09 AM, said:

itsjustme, on Dec 21 2009, 08:05 AM, said:

I am a para. I have no idea how a quad deals with life any more than an AB knows how any chair lifer deals with it. I've come into contact with an 18 year old young man who became a quad 2 weeks before his high school graduation this year.

He is so bitter and so angry especially with his parents for letting him live. He blames them for his situation accepting no responsibility on his own part. He makes it harder on those who care for him by even spitting on those who cath him.

Do any of you have any words for this young man?

I was 18 when I was injured, I'm now approaching 70. I didn't go through that bitter stage, but as an ex-serviceman, my military discipline probably helped.
I've since seen people go through the process you describe; its a phase some go through. They blame the people closest to them, push them away and hurt them; it a kind of test of their loyalty to the injured person. They mustn't let him wallow in his self pity, if he's rude or hurtful then they should just walk away and say, "We'll come back when you're in a better mood". He mustn't be allowed to abuse people like he's doing; its out of order.

We are all different so react in different ways. It will be a long and difficult road ahead, but he'll eventually see there are better times ahead.

Mike

Gr8 post Mike, i agree they must'nt let him wallow in self pity,abuse once and get away with it will become a vicious cycle so clip it in the bud

[jessalynn23]

I think everyone should let him cope with his injury; he may just be coping with it differently than everyone else.
Try to get him to think of everything that he CAN do... Give him hope that at some point in his lifetime, they will have bigger and better technologies to help him.
I don't know where the man is from, but Kennedy Kreiger in Baltimore is a fantastic place. They are making huge strides in the research and physical therapy departments for SCI patients.
Something to keep in mind is that doctors told me I would never eat or breathe on my own again... and here I am, without a vent, trach or G-Tube. No matter what they say, not everything they say is a guarantee.
I also have to say that looking at things positively has a huge impact on any recovery in the future.
And just small movements regained can make a big difference... like, getting shoulder movement back will affect how you can drive the chair, answer a phone, control your home environments, etc...

[qbounce]

Was there any head trauma that he endured? If so, this may not be something he MEANS to do, but occurs as a result of his injury.

Just a thought.