[sciiaf]

apologies for the bad timing on this posting, being Xmas is a day away. Don't read if you don’t want to get depressed. I’m newly disabled (6mths) and while in hospital I swore to myself I would not unleash my emotional burdens on anyone. I made it clear to friends/family that it’s not all about me, to not feel guilty about complaining about their life (i.e.: hates their job, can’t stand the boss, single) that this would NOT turn in to me crying/complaining/lamenting/talking about my SCI injury 24/7. To date, it HASN’T.

Well, after hospital stint my parents relocated me back to Oregon from California. My best friend of 15 years lives in Oregon. We would talk, email at least a few times a week and when I was able bodied I’d always make a point of visiting her when I came to Oregon. Again, I made it clear to her that I would not turn her in to my therapist/doctor/caregiver.

Since I moved back to Oregon in August I have seen her ONCE, for coffee. She has been terribly busy with her job, traveling for work, her husband and her dog. Soon enough around late October/November her correspondence eased up. It would be weeks before I heard from her. The last email I received from her was November 10th. I immediately responded, talking about NON SCI things like Halloween, my puppy, a hobby.

Over 6 weeks later, I finally received an email from her. I was on a distribution list sent to other people where she apologized for being out of touch, ‘so busy with work, so exhausted, so much traveling, no time to even mail Christmas cards’. I was ON A DISTRIBUTION LIST PEOPLE!
I could go on and on but in summary, this is a friend I always admired for being honest, morale, caring and wise. However, she can’t deal with this, even though I’ve tried (and succeeded) to NOT make this SCI a burden to people. How else do you explain a good friend whose gone missing in action since your injury? Who, instead of living 700 miles away out of state now lives 8 miles away?

I did write her back. I wrote on sentence “Even the savviest of soothsayers (fortune tellers) can hardly predict what the new year will bring in terms of gains and losses. We should consider ourselves lucky for our HEALTH, HAPPINESS and TRUE LOVE”
Mind you, none of which I have. I blocked her email address from my Yahoo! Account. So, STATEMENT IS – have any of you deliberately tossed a friendship away due to your SCI? and why?

[greybeard]

If her friendship meant so much to you, don't cut her off. Educate her ! ! .

Phone, write, email or even go see her. She, and others, will only feel able to relax with you once they've got past all the myths about people with disabilities.

Cutting her out of your life in a fit of pique will only cause grief to yourself.

This post has been edited by greybeard: 25 December 2009 - 01:06 AM

[allis53ca]

no, i haven't...but many threw away our friendship because of my sci.some tossed 2 or 3 year friendships, some decades..i surprisingly found it was much harder for most to accept my sci than it was for me..it is just another nature of the beast we call sci.....sorry kiddo, but we can't fix anything but ourselves.......dont worry about venting here, its one of the reasons these boards are here for us.....be well, and be thankful we've made it thru yet another year

This post has been edited by allis53ca: 25 December 2009 - 01:16 AM

[Tetracyclone]

Odd. I have not lost a single friend due to SCI, though in the past I've lost some for equally foolish reasons. It always hurts, but perhaps the foolish reasons were excuses when the relationship was used up anyway.

It ain't you Babe.

[gordonr]

sciiaf, on Dec 25 2009, 12:51 AM, said:

I made it clear to friends/family that it’s not all about me, to not feel guilty about complaining about their life (i.e.: hates their job, can’t stand the boss, single) that this would NOT turn in to me crying/complaining/lamenting/talking about my SCI injury 24/7. To date, it HASN’T.

Dear Sciiaf,

I don't think it is realistic for you to accept that other people complain about their lives while you do not.

Personally, I prefer when NO one is whining. But that is just me. (And yes, I do understand that for many people, especially among the female persuasion, whining is a big part of what they do together).

At any rate, talking about your sci doesn't have to be whining. And your sci is the largest part of your experience right now, It is therefore the subject that you would most reasonably wish to share with your friends. And I got to wondering why you would censor yourself. But then I read your profile, and I understand that, as a new injury, you are not comfortable with the whole thing yourself.

In other words, it is not other people whom you are trying to shield from experience, and from talking about the experience, it is yourself. This is very normal. You say that you feel like you have died. You have not died. But you are entering upon what amounts to a new and distinct incarnation. It will take time before you have explained this to yourself, let alone others.

I am rambing a bit. You know. Christmas. Eggnog. But I agree with Greybeard. You should not cut out a good friend because of scrambled communication. Your friend is in shock. Clearly uncomfortable. But so are you. You should tell her the truth, that is, that you are not yet ready to talk about your injury, but that you still want to BE with her. And that as time goes by, BOTH of you can digest what has happenned to you.

After all, this is a real friend, right?

If so, even if you meet with resistance, you at least owe her the authenticity of a real quarel, in person, with name calling, recriminations, and maybe even a litle hair pulling. Afterall, what are friends for?

Also, be aware that pushing people away, after a life changing event, is the oldest trick in the book. The injured party simply assumes that others will not understand (that seems to fit your case, as you lay down ground rules which include complete ommision of that which is most important to you). Then the injured party seizes on a trivial pretext and provokes a rupture, hoping the other party will find a way to bridge the gap. But, outside the old whining-game rules, this is not fair. YOU have to be able to bridge the gap also.

Much better you should display your vulnerability honestly (remember, this is your FRIEND), and not give the other a chance to just drift off.

Naturally, all of this might not work. But if you start getting over your injury a little yourself, you will find that others will be able to do likewise.

So, put her to the test. But do not forejudge the result.

Hope this helps,

Gordon

[qbounce]

Funny me neither,
Because I got out there and sat in front of thier doubtful faces and exposed myself!!!

No no no, not in that way sillies!! I mean, just get out there and be seen. And if someone has questions regarding your condition, tell them a little about it. You don't have to give it all away, maybe explain what you can/ can't feel, etc. And, for the most part, how capeable you still are at doing most things.

But if you come across as stand-offish, and disturbed by the slightest interest in your disability, than you may get more of the same back.

I'm sorry your long term friend seems to have pushed you out of her life. But, it IS the holidays. How about asking her to meet up some time soon for lunch or something instead of jumping to conclusions? Remember, you weren't the ONLY one on her distribution list.

Good luck, and PLEASE try not to let this ruin your holiday! It's gotta be hard enough moving from beautiful, sunny California, to a doom and gloom Oregonian State (let alone, state of mind).

[ClaraTaylor]

Six months isn't all that long.

I found many friends disappeared. But that was five years ago and strangely enough many are now making contact with me.,, as if nothing ever happened.

Have you tried contacting her? Asking to meet up? Perhaps there is something you can do to "help out" during this busy time.

[topperf]

I have close relatives who can't cope, that I've lost contact with and some friends to. It's really sad.

[Scribbler]

This happens in every walk of life, you don't have to be sci to have people disappear from your life.
I wouldn't cut her out of your life, if you leave the door open she may come back; if you lock it she cant.

How you think about a problem can affect how you feel physically and emotionally. It can also alter what you do about it. There are helpful and unhelpful ways of reacting to most situations, depending on how you think about them.

For example:

Situation: You've had a bad day, feel fed up, so go out shopping. As you go down the road, someone you know walks by and, apparently, ignores you.

Thoughts:

Unhelpful - He/she ignored me - they don't like me.. --- He/she looks a bit wrapped up in themselves
Helpful - I wonder if there's something wrong?

Emotional:
Feelings

Unhelpful - Low, sad and rejected
Helpful - Concerned for the other person


Action:

Unhelpful - Go home and avoid them
Helpful - Get in touch to make sure they're OK.

I hope that helps a little.

When my wife was alive we had many life long friends; all couples we saw on a regular basis for years.
When she died, they gradually disappeared, even though I still phone them.
I could take it personally and think its due to me, but I don't think they know how to handle the situation since she died.

Writing about something that's upset you certainly wont depress the members here, that's what this Forum is for; we try to help each other.

Good luck for 2010

Mike

This post has been edited by Scribbler: 25 December 2009 - 03:24 PM

[sciiaf]

Funny, in hospital I said I was NOT going to be the educator either...that if people wanted to know what the hell was going on w/ me to look it up on the internet...mainly because there are so many gruesome side effts (cathing, bowel programs, etc). I know your advice is the logical, wise, humane thing to do...to reach out to her and help her relax by informing her. She is clueless. I think so many people are clueless as to what this is really like. I guess, maybe this is selfish, I guess being the one in the vulnerable position, the injured, that maybe she might meet me half way here and at least be honest in her feelings. rather than using the old excuse that she's just so busy.

Anyways, thanks for your reply. It was wise adn I'll think on it.

greybeard, on Dec 24 2009, 05:06 PM, said:

If her friendship meant so much to you, don't cut her off. Educate her ! ! .

Phone, write, email or even go see her. She, and others, will only feel able to relax with you once they've got past all the myths about people with disabilities.

Cutting her out of your life in a fit of pique will only cause grief to yourself.

I think you made a key point here, that it can be harder for friends and family to deal with the SCI than yourself. I guess I never felt any denial about my injury…which is suprising, cause I am such a non realist. This is just something I can’t hide or fake, so why try to deny it? As much as I’d like my life to exist prior to June 2nd, 2009, it wont. But I think some friends wish I could return to the me pre-injury.

allis53ca, on Dec 24 2009, 05:15 PM, said:

no, i haven't...but many threw away our friendship because of my sci.some tossed 2 or 3 year friendships, some decades..i surprisingly found it was much harder for most to accept my sci than it was for me..it is just another nature of the beast we call sci.....sorry kiddo, but we can't fix anything but ourselves.......dont worry about venting here, its one of the reasons these boards are here for us.....be well, and be thankful we've made it thru yet another year

I am sorry to hear that...let's hope that for friends lost maybe there are friends gained, maybe new friends with a stronger backbone and integrity.

topperf, on Dec 25 2009, 05:05 AM, said:

I have close relatives who can't cope, that I've lost contact with and some friends to. It's really sad.

[M@CHINE]

if ur friends can't accept you therenot your true friends. so who cares about them.

[SandieT]

Hi
I think what Scribbler said is just so true, over the years life changes and people change.
I do not have a sci (that's my son) but over the years some friendships have come and gone, that's just how it is.
I got divorced 20++ yrs ago and during that time some friends stayed around others didn't. But sometimes months/years later you can pick up old friendships again. That's just how it is, it is nothing to do with your sci.
Your friend does sound a very very busy lady! So what you + her are going through now may of happened anyway.
Don't give up on her, we are all guilty of not making time sometimes.
Your true friends will always be there for you regardless.
Sometimes I don't speak/see some of my friends for several weeks or even months, their busy, I'm busy, they live a long way away, but they are still very good friends and when we do speak/meet we just pick up where we left off last time. You can do that with real friends.

[Slowlegs]

gordonr, on Dec 25 2009, 04:54 AM, said:

Also, be aware that pushing people away, after a life changing event, is the oldest trick in the book. The injured party simply assumes that others will not understand (that seems to fit your case, as you lay down ground rules which include complete ommision of that which is most important to you). Then the injured party seizes on a trivial pretext and provokes a rupture, hoping the other party will find a way to bridge the gap. But, outside the old whining-game rules, this is not fair. YOU have to be able to bridge the gap also.

Got it in one Gordon. Well put.

I had my injury at 18, lost all my school friends, or most of them. Thing is, 20 years after, I got back in touch with a lot of them I found they had lost all of theirs too. Old friends do slowly come back into your life if you lose them. Trick is, not to lose them in the first place. Your friend may be busy, Christmas is a busy time for most of us. This year I only did Facebook greetings - just didn't have the time. Sure there is a recession but that means those of us who are lucky enough to be able to work are busy doing our retrenched colleagues work as well. Your friend may be able to contact you over the holidays, but not if you ignore her emails. I'd say, take off the email block, invite her over or out for a coffee and talk about it. You're lucky, that's what women do. Us guys have so much more trouble speaking honestly - generally.

[doublelibra]

It was surprising to me that after my injury some people that I thought would always be there for me were not, and some I didn't expect to be there for me were. I spent 8 months in hospital and rehab, followed by 9 months in a nursing home (hell-hole). In hospital, I had a lot more visitors than I did in the nursing home. Even my spouse only came to see me for 2 hours every other Sunday in the nursing home. He brought my kids, and that was all I got to see them, and they all lived only about 15 min. away. He said it was too depressing for HIM. I had been plannng to leave him anyway before the accident. In fact, I told him I would not move back with him when I got discharged, even though I would be a single mom with a 7 and a 12-year-old. My brother visited me in the hospital a lot, once in rehab, and never in the nursing home. It's been 18 years since my injury, he lives 1/2 hour away, and he has visited me 3 times. He said he can't deal with my disability. He said he feels guilty about it. I talk to him on the phone about once a year. I can't visit him, because his house isn't accessible and there is no transportation to his area. I was depressed for a couple of years after my injury, but I'm a pretty positive person, and I have numerous great friends now, fortunately. Who knows why some people fade away? As others have pointed out, it just happens sometimes.

[sciiaf]

I came upon the same surprise as well. In hospital I thought of seeing family and friends again that I knew in my heart would be there for me, shockingly, some of them skipped out. Then, many people I thought would disappear forever turn out to be solid and supportive. I guess a tragedy like we’ve experienced really show people’s true colors. I think it also shows us OUR true colors. In reading your post I’m really sorry that you had to spend so much time in hospital and nursing home but I gather that you have a lot of strength, courage and guts. I just wanted to say that to you.

doublelibra, on Dec 27 2009, 09:41 PM, said:

It was surprising to me that after my injury some people that I thought would always be there for me were not, and some I didn't expect to be there for me were. I spent 8 months in hospital and rehab, followed by 9 months in a nursing home (hell-hole). In hospital, I had a lot more visitors than I did in the nursing home. Even my spouse only came to see me for 2 hours every other Sunday in the nursing home. He brought my kids, and that was all I got to see them, and they all lived only about 15 min. away. He said it was too depressing for HIM. I had been plannng to leave him anyway before the accident. In fact, I told him I would not move back with him when I got discharged, even though I would be a single mom with a 7 and a 12-year-old. My brother visited me in the hospital a lot, once in rehab, and never in the nursing home. It's been 18 years since my injury, he lives 1/2 hour away, and he has visited me 3 times. He said he can't deal with my disability. He said he feels guilty about it. I talk to him on the phone about once a year. I can't visit him, because his house isn't accessible and there is no transportation to his area. I was depressed for a couple of years after my injury, but I'm a pretty positive person, and I have numerous great friends now, fortunately. Who knows why some people fade away? As others have pointed out, it just happens sometimes.

Thanks, more good advice and advice that I know deep down inside is the right thing to do. I have a hard time speaking up when my feelings are hurt, in fact, my estranged friend always called me on that too, preaching to me to speak up when I'm hurt or angry instead of letting it fester inside. So simple to do but hard. I'm going to think of a plan to try and do this. Thanks

Slowlegs, on Dec 27 2009, 03:20 PM, said:

gordonr, on Dec 25 2009, 04:54 AM, said:

Also, be aware that pushing people away, after a life changing event, is the oldest trick in the book. The injured party simply assumes that others will not understand (that seems to fit your case, as you lay down ground rules which include complete ommision of that which is most important to you). Then the injured party seizes on a trivial pretext and provokes a rupture, hoping the other party will find a way to bridge the gap. But, outside the old whining-game rules, this is not fair. YOU have to be able to bridge the gap also.

Got it in one Gordon. Well put.

I had my injury at 18, lost all my school friends, or most of them. Thing is, 20 years after, I got back in touch with a lot of them I found they had lost all of theirs too. Old friends do slowly come back into your life if you lose them. Trick is, not to lose them in the first place. Your friend may be busy, Christmas is a busy time for most of us. This year I only did Facebook greetings - just didn't have the time. Sure there is a recession but that means those of us who are lucky enough to be able to work are busy doing our retrenched colleagues work as well. Your friend may be able to contact you over the holidays, but not if you ignore her emails. I'd say, take off the email block, invite her over or out for a coffee and talk about it. You're lucky, that's what women do. Us guys have so much more trouble speaking honestly - generally.

[Ratticis]

If you're not ready to come to terms with your condition, how do you expect your friends to? Friendship is give and take, and you're not doing anyone any favours about not talking about it. Who the hell wants to be friends with a wall? Until you're comfortable with your new life, don't expect others to be. It was about 8 months after my injury in a meeting with my doctor, my theropists, and my family that I finally accepted that this is how it is and I'm gunna be alright. Maybe you think I'm full of shit right now, but give it time and you'll realize I'm right. Good luck

[JesseB]

I've also had a few friends slowly drift away. Some I got closer with. With an injury like this, it really put's you're friendships to the ultimate test
I guess. But you can always make new ones. Sometimes it can be for the better... Best thing to do is just move on, and the ones who will stick
by you, will.

p.s Welcome to the forums! I'm also from Oregon.

[sciiaf]

Hi fellow Oregonian! My sister in law is from stayton. you speak some wise words for an 18yr old (wiser than I was at that age!!!). Positive advice, they'll be new friends to be made and I also have a hell of a lot more respect and love for the friends who have stayed by me through this from day one. And I let them know that.

JesseB, on Dec 28 2009, 02:44 AM, said:

I've also had a few friends slowly drift away. Some I got closer with. With an injury like this, it really put's you're friendships to the ultimate test
I guess. But you can always make new ones. Sometimes it can be for the better... Best thing to do is just move on, and the ones who will stick
by you, will.

p.s Welcome to the forums! I'm also from Oregon.

[ADP-10-08-63]

A FRIEND IS SOME ONE YOU MAY TALK TO OR BE IGNORED

A REAL FRIEND IS A SPECIAL FRIEND THAT STAND,S BY YOU THROUGH THE GOOD TIMES AND BAD TIMES THERE WILL BE ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE A FRIEND IN YOU

[greybeard]

ADP-10-08-63, on Dec 28 2009, 11:06 PM, said:

A FRIEND IS SOME ONE YOU MAY TALK TO OR BE IGNORED

A REAL FRIEND IS A SPECIAL FRIEND THAT STAND,S BY YOU THROUGH THE GOOD TIMES AND BAD TIMES THERE WILL BE ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE A FRIEND IN YOU

Why are you SHOUTING?

[The Black Sheep]

I did this in high school with my friends, and I was glad I did at the time, but regret it now. I was injured when I was 13 and when I returned to school (8th grade) they treated me so differently. My best friend Bethany wouldn't call, write and rarely talked to me after the injury. I remember her telling me once that all our friends had gotten together and talked about what had happened to me. She said everyone felt as if I wasn't trying hard enough.

One thing that you mention is that you didn't want to ever burden others with your sci problems. At first, I think I did put a lot of that pressure on those around me. I was trying to figure out how to get around differently, and I had so many other issues I simply didn't want to talk about. Things like catheters, and such. People would ask "when are you going to be walking again?" and I honestly didn't know, but I'd usually respond that it would only be a couple of weeks before we knew. After those few weeks, everyone thought I was just lazy and depending too much on everyone. I didn't know anything about spinal cord injuries at the time, and every doctor gave me a different answer, so I had no idea what to tell anyone.

Frankly, I felt I wasn't "cool" anymore and evicted myself from that circle of friends. They lost complete interest in me after about a month and started to make fun of me, which is typical of 14 year olds, but it still hurt so much that we'd been friends for 10 years before this... and this one thing, she couldn't and wouldn't even try to be sympathetic. I was home-schooled the next year because I couldn't take being made fun of anymore. I transferred to another school a year after that and found REAL friends.

To this day though, I still wish I'd tried to repair our friendship somehow. In our senior year of high school, she went through some very rough times and committed suicide, and I wish so badly I could have maybe been there to give some support or a shoulder to cry on. Regardless of some of the hectic and terrible things that went back and forth between us, I'd like to think we could have eventually gotten back to our old selves and helped each other somehow.

Friends sometimes get complicated, but never burn down a bridge you'll ever want to cross again. Sometimes we don't get a chance to rebuild.

[JesseB]

sciiaf, on Dec 28 2009, 02:24 PM, said:

Hi fellow Oregonian! My sister in law is from stayton. you speak some wise words for an 18yr old (wiser than I was at that age!!!). Positive advice, they'll be new friends to be made and I also have a hell of a lot more respect and love for the friends who have stayed by me through this from day one. And I let them know that.

JesseB, on Dec 28 2009, 02:44 AM, said:

I've also had a few friends slowly drift away. Some I got closer with. With an injury like this, it really put's you're friendships to the ultimate test
I guess. But you can always make new ones. Sometimes it can be for the better... Best thing to do is just move on, and the ones who will stick
by you, will.

p.s Welcome to the forums! I'm also from Oregon.

I actually live about 15 minutes outside of stayton, haha.

[Gary Bright]

]Hello everyone, I am new here but couldn't help reading your posts. My 16 yr old daughter is going through the same thing you folks are and I was looking for some insight as to how to help her cope with vanishing friends. She is T6 para and her friends act like she has the plague. I will read most of this site looking for answers (as I am sure most parents would). I hope to get her on this site but she is a little hesitant still, her injury occured 6 months ago. I read enough to see that a lot of you have the same problems with friends as my daughter and I wish I knew the solution. Sad that when you need them the most they are hardest to find. Gary

[The Black Sheep]

Gary Bright, on Dec 30 2009, 12:53 AM, said:

]Hello everyone, I am new here but couldn't help reading your posts. My 16 yr old daughter is going through the same thing you folks are and I was looking for some insight as to how to help her cope with vanishing friends. She is T6 para and her friends act like she has the plague. I will read most of this site looking for answers (as I am sure most parents would). I hope to get her on this site but she is a little hesitant still, her injury occured 6 months ago. I read enough to see that a lot of you have the same problems with friends as my daughter and I wish I knew the solution. Sad that when you need them the most they are hardest to find. Gary

The teenage years were the worst for me, I'm sorry to say. I'm a T7 para (herniated T2, but little loss from it) and was injured when I was 13, and like your daughter, my friends also started vanishing. Each person reacts differently to the someone in a wheelchair, and I hate to say it, but teenagers seem to be the most critical, or at least that was my experience. I had a very difficult time dealing with it, and for the first 2 years I spent most of my time at home, either home schooled or a tutor would drop off homework for me. I went through a sort of secluded phase, but I think it was necessary to figure out myself before I could be "normal" in public again. After about 2 years I was really bored and wanted to get back into school, so I transferred to a high school that focused on children with physical disabilities and other behavioral problems, like anger management. Honestly, this might sound a little chaotic, but it was so nice to be around people who also had a difficulties in other areas. They were always being judged, just like I was in high school, and that connection to other students is what, I think, helped me develop more genuine friendships because, for once, we were mostly in the same boat. If we weren't, we were always around others who were struggling with one handicap or another, all the students had become understanding and helpful to others.

I have no idea if this is healthy, so maybe try seeking some sort of counseling might be a good idea. I just know what helped me get through the early stages. I've been paralyzed for 11 years now and if your daughter ever does decide to join us here, I know everyone here will very happily share their experiences and help her through hers, if we can.

This post has been edited by The Black Sheep: 30 December 2009 - 03:24 PM

[Dave Bishopstone]

Scribbler has given some wise words elsewhere on this topic.

My son, for a good period of time post his SCI enjoyed continuing friendships, some travelling over 100 miles in each direction to visit him in the Spinal Injuries Centre. When discharged he moved in with us, some 21 miles from where he originally lived - he and we noticed over a period of time less and less contact, this included former work mates.

I am sure that he felt a bit let down, but there is a lot of truth in the saying "out of sight, out of mind". Noting that they were moving on without him, he decided to do the same and started setting up a new circle of friends, one which resulted in him getting married.

Some people come into our lives for a purpose and a given time, the purpose served, they move out, or we move on. Some however remain lifelong, but these are usually few in number but they are the ones which really matter.

Personal opinion, it has nothing to do with SCI, it's just something that seems to happen in everyone's life.