23 replies to this topic

[larry0816]

Hello

I am new to this site, but on Aug 9th 2009, my husband jumed into a swimming pool and broke his neck. He is a C5-C6 Quad. Of course the first few months he was in In-Patient Rehab. And of course he was not happy there. More or less because I was working and was not able to be up there a whole lot. Before his accident I already had alot going on. I work full time, go to school full time, and we have 3 children, agaes 12, 10, and 6. So of course they all have things to do as well. Anyway. He came home around a month ago, and we have done nothing but argue. Even my kids are tired of helping him. I guess my real problem is that he family does not even offer to help, as a matter of fact, my husband had an argument with his mother the other day about coming over and helping and all she did was send an e-mail telling him not to contact her or the rest of the family. So now its like I am a single parent but have a big child to take care of as well. I have to return to work in two weeks, since we need my income to survive, and dont know what to do. We cant afford to hire anyone to help, or even have a live in since we have a very small house, but of course I look like the bad one since I plan to leave him home alone for up to 4 hours out of the day by himself with our 6 year old. But what else do I do. I am just already tired of this lifestyle. I want my life back. The whole time I have been with him I have always sacrificed and he has always done what he wanted. I have finally started doing things that I wanted and this happens. I dont know not really sure what to do anymore. I feel like I have a 24 hour kid now. I cant go out with my girlfriends anymore unless I find someone to watch him and turn him and put him in bed. This is just unfair.

[LaGatta2U]

[quote name='larry0816' date='Dec 26 2009, 09:41 PM' post='143463']
Hello

I've been in a chair for 30 years now. Over the years, my dad used to take care of me. A few years ago due complications related to diabetes, he had a stroke which he was confined to a chair as well. It was hard for him. Relatives and friends put that wall..ofcourse they deny but thats how it is..its you not me line....but dad eventually got over it and knew it was US his family he could count on....

It wasn't easy for him to accept his situation. I met this lady who was also in chair due to her health condition. She said that it isn't easy for men to accept what happened to them. Believe or not its the ego thing. Its easy for walking people to say do this do that, but on our perspective its not that easy....it takes us awhile to figure out our own bodies. what works for you is not for us...

Suggestion...someway somehow try to boost his ego...you'll need all the help you can get. but most of all like my mother, try to gain patience. Ask God He'll help you!

[Courtney]

first of all take a deep breath and a big step back......you are trying to do everything at once, I realize that his family is apparently worthless, but what about yours? Can they help out with the kids, (getting them where they need to be)....your husband will eventually be more independant than you realize (mine is a c6 and can do everything but the bowel program himself.....getting dressed, cathing, everything!) As for your children, I realize this is difficult on all of you, but they need to buck up and help out. I have a 5 and 7 year old, they do their own laundry, dust, clean their bathroom, vaccume, empty the dishwasher, etc.....if nothing else your husband can supervise. Make sure you look into SSDI and get him on disability until he makes a plan for his life and going forward with it. I am sorry to be so brash, but you and your family can do this.......that is if you are up to it.....and it takes the strength of Atlas because it is going to feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders......

did I mention my husband drives, takes the kids where they need to be and that he and I coached our daughters soccer team this past fall.....his was injured in June 2008 and is only a year and a half out....the first year is the hardest.....once you make it through that, I can't say that it's easy, but it's easier.......this is a long slow process of getting him independant...he's not an infant, he doesn't need someone hovering over him 24 hours a day, leave him with the kids and go get a drink with your girlfriends, even if it's only for an hour or two......you have to take care of yourself too.....

[qbounce]

I noticed you mention how his family doesn'toffer to help you?
Why are you waiting for them to step in? I'm thinking they may not even know that you're feeling this bad inside, and how desperate for a hand you are.

Ask them for help for YOUR sake, not yor husbands. Let them know how you feel, and that it's getting overwhelming for you. Also, let them know that he isn't just treating THEM the way he is, it's ALL of you, so the mother shouldn't take his attitude attacks personally.

Lastly, as others have mentioned, your husbands injury is still very new. It is extremely difficult going from a self-reliant Able Bodied (AB) person to one who is dependant on others for everything. Try having some peaceful talks with him regarding his needs, and how you can both compromise to make this adjustment easier on you both.

I suggest you each write a list of 5 constructive things that could help each other out, and it might add some perspective into how the other is feeling (of course you can dictate for him). Hopefully, in learning how the other needs help, you can both find some middle ground.

[gordonr]

Dear Larry,

You have had some excellent input from two people who know the terrain. Bounce is a married quad and Courtney is the partner of another.

I always try to look at the practical side of things, because in the end, life is more practical than psychological. And in the present case, I believe you must think practically about the choices that life is offerring you at this point.

Unfortunately there is no magic bullet. You are a middle-aged woman, and the demands upon you will be considerable regardless of what you choose. In the following quote, for instance, you have two very different things mixed up together.

Larry:

Quote

I am just already tired of this lifestyle. I want my life back.

Many partners of new sci are unable to continue with the relationship. Many, in fact, simply leave their erstwhile significant others in the hospital and stop returning calls. There can be legal ramifications to that, of course, but in the end, regardless of what the judges decide about the house and children, there is no way to force anybody to personally take care of anybody else.

So there is your first choice. Many people will fault you for it, but those people have normally never walked a mile in the shoes of a quad's spouse. I believe that most of those who have, would respect your choice, for no other reason than that it would in fact be better for your hubby to be alone than to be abused/neglected by a spouse who is never going to care for him properly.

It is a clean and simple choice: I am not up to this. I want no part of it. I am out. I am done.

After that, there are an infinite number of other choices, but for simplicity, I will group them under three headings.

First... You are ready to do whatever it takes to make this work. In this case, you will find a number of people here who can inspire you. This is a great choice if you really love your partner and have a reasonably mature attitude to life. The remands are enormous, but the rewards are at the measure of the demands.

Second... You can PRETEND that you are making that choice, because you feel a moral responsibiity, and quite frankly, you are not ready to admit that you are the kind of person to just abandon your husband in a situation like this. HOWEVER. In my estimation, this is the WORST choice you could make, because the mental stress and poor care will almost certainly cause severe health problems (look around the site: pressure sores, infections etc.) which will make your husband suffer FAR more than if he is properly cared for by strangers until he gets his own more or less independant act together.

And then there is a third way... That is, you realize that your husband NEEDS you now. And you also realize that you CANNOT tough the run. In this case, you will do the same things that the willing spouse will do. You will face the same challenges and make the same sacrifices, right now, but you will also be planning your exit in an orderly fashion. This time, it will be your job (and that of your husband in those long hours he has alone to figure out his own destiny) to research the ressources available, and see what sort of nursing home/halfwayhouse/assisted-living he would be eligible for once he has been abandonned by his family and spent his half of the family fortune.

There is a socialworkers secret that you should know about: The most successful personal crisis are planned and orchestrated in advance. When a child is abandonned, for example, in the best case, there is a case-worker close at hand who KNOWS when and where and who has also set up a plan to deal with it. The child already knows the case-worker. The child may even know where he/she is going. In other words, you could get your husband already (unofficially) booked into some institution before you leave him out on the lawn. And in this scenario, there will be much less pain.

So you do have options. And if you choose lucidly, even if you choose to let go, you can do it without first allowing your husband to become a pustulent basket of oozing sores and shit. NO. That is not a joke or an exageration. I mean it literally: a Pustulent Basket of Oozing Sores and Shit.

But one way or another, this is not only his disaster. You are never going to "get your life back". If you leave him, you will still be a single mother of three, and you will STILL have to find someody to watch the home front when you go out for a drink. Plus there will be no one to greet the children when they get home from school. And you are not going to keep the equity in the house either.

So... Choices choices.

Once again, the main point: Whatever you both choose to do, the best case involves a healthy independant quad. And the time to establish that is right now. And to establish that requires a huge investment. Like a new baby only much, much more. However, the ultimate direction you are headed in is another kettle of fish. Maybe your morale will be better if you see your caretaker role as temporary and plan for an exit. Maybe your morale will be better when you see some of the cases on the board here of spouses whose comfort level has significantly evolved over time.

You choose.

Best Regards,

Gordon

[stef]

Hi there!!
I just read your post and I am in you exactly situation.
Its so the same that its scary!!!
i thought I posted that for a second the only different is the I have 1 3 year old daughter.
I just post something like that too!!
I wish i could help but i have your same questions!!
I have you same feelings and i dont know if I wanna be in a marriage like that.
I am trying so hard but I am tired and so mad!!!
I dont like this life and i want my life back too and i dont know if i can ever have the back!!
Trust me nobody understand you better then me right now.
Thats why i came over her hoping the someone can help me to find happiness or a easy way to deal with this.
I cant get over that and I dont know what to do anymore.
I dont have any family here and My friends dont call me anymore or come around.
Is family is worthless and they dont have idea whats means loosing your husband and have a big baby 24/7.
when I asked for help they went off on me so i just say F...... them.
i will do what i can and when i cant anymore then they have to deal with him like it or not .
Please add me on your friends list so we can talk.
Sorry for the people the maybe think I am so negative but right now i dont see any positive in it.
Its a life change and not everybody can deal with it in the same way.
I just hope it will get better.
But its really hard on working in a normal relationship so think about now!!

[Saneaj]

gordonr, on Dec 27 2009, 01:00 PM, said:

Many partners of new sci are unable to continue with the relationship. Many, in fact, simply leave their erstwhile significant others in the hospital and stop returning calls. There can be legal ramifications to that, of course, but in the end, regardless of what the judges decide about the house and children, there is no way to force anybody to personally take care of anybody else.

So there is your first choice. Many people will fault you for it, but those people have normally never walked a mile in the shoes of a quad's spouse. I believe that most of those who have, would respect your choice, for no other reason than that it would in fact be better for your hubby to be alone than to be abused/neglected by a spouse who is never going to care for him properly.

It is a clean and simple choice: I am not up to this. I want no part of it. I am out. I am done.


Second... You can PRETEND that you are making that choice, because you feel a moral responsibiity, and quite frankly, you are not ready to admit that you are the kind of person to just abandon your husband in a situation like this. HOWEVER. In my estimation, this is the WORST choice you could make, because the mental stress and poor care will almost certainly cause severe health problems (look around the site: pressure sores, infections etc.) which will make your husband suffer FAR more than if he is properly cared for by strangers until he gets his own more or less independant act together.


So you do have options. And if you choose lucidly, even if you choose to let go, you can do it without first allowing your husband to become a pustulent basket of oozing sores and shit. NO. That is not a joke or an exageration. I mean it literally: a Pustulent Basket of Oozing Sores and Shit.

But one way or another, this is not only his disaster. You are never going to "get your life back". If you leave him, you will still be a single mother of three, and you will STILL have to find someody to watch the home front when you go out for a drink. Plus there will be no one to greet the children when they get home from school. And you are not going to keep the equity in the house either.

Dear Larry and Stef...

I want to share a VERY personal story with you...but first let me say that I agree wholeheartedly with Gordon's advice. The longer you let this anger fester... the worse things will become. It's how we were built as humans... it's just how we work internally.

In the past almost 18 years of going through this with my hubby, I have seen a lot. I have seen how some able bodied spouses break down under the pressure of all of this and totally melt down. I'm not talking about the kind of melt down that I had on one of my posts recently... I'm talking of a more serious kind...

Let me share with you what happened to a friend of mine years ago. She was taking care of a family member who was SCI. She had 5 kids and a full time job. She had no help from her family. She ended up leaving that person laying in bed all day, by themselves, with no way to communicate to the outside world if something were to go wrong... while she went to work. She became so exhausted that she started doing the unthinkable. It started out slowly but then snow balled into a horrible, horrible disaster. This all stemmed from the pent up anger that consumed her from having to deal with a situation that she DID NOT want to handle but felt it forced on her by others.

Her anger drove her to the point of resentment. She would begin not to clean her... leaving her laying there all day rotting in her own feces and urine. She fed her ONLY when she felt it necessary. You see... the resentment took hold of her and she began to purposely and willfully abuse this poor woman. She began to exact her revenge on this woman for invading the normalcy of her life. She determined in her own heart that the hate that she felt for this woman overroad her own humanity towards others. She became someone that was now unrecognizable to her own self even in the mirror. She was NEVER like this before... her hatred for the care that she felt forced to give to this family member totally overwhelmed her and consumed her very own heart. It gobbled her up. She then came to the point where she didn't even turn her anymore. Allowing the bedsores to fester out of control.

No one ever looked in on her anymore because everyone had abadoned her to due to her hate and nastiness. She would strike out of vengence with family members because she hated them so for allowing her to go through this. They turned their backs on her because of her attitude, but she didn't realize this. All she could see is that people were leaving her because they didn't want to deal with her SCI relative either. She was so consumed with hate and disdain that she never realized that 80% of the people around her left due to her sourness. So no one ever caught the severe abuse that this poor woman was suffering at the hands of what used to be a very normal and caring woman. The sad thing was, that while all of this was going on, her 5 children were victims, too. For they had to endure the day to day horror of what was taking place in their very own home.

Then it really got bad. Her temper grew out of control and she began striking this poor woman whenever she would cry out for help, or to be turned, or to be fed, or to be changed... and no one ever heard her cries for help until it was too late. Yes... this person who used to be a friend of mine... had turned so vicious that she actually allowed this woman to just lay there and die. And we never knew until all was too late. I haven't spoken to her in many, many years... as this was all too much for me to handle. All I could think about was that poor woman and the horrible way she was left to die. I wish that this was just a simple story that was being made up to show a point of what anger and hatred can do to a person's heart through all of this... but sadly.. this is all fact. I have never spoke of it until now. It was something that I felt guilt over for many years... because I felt that if I was able to recognize my friend's cries for help when this relative of hers came to live with her... I felt like maybe I could've done SOMETHING... intervened in SOME WAY as to spare them both of what they had to walk through.

So now... I feel like its the time to share her story with the both of you. Because even though I didn't recognize her cries for help back then, I do recogize your hearts' cries now. Not everyone is cut out for this life and it is better on EVERYONE concerned to find out about that now... before the unthinkable happens. Both of you need to look deeply into your hearts... do some real soul searching... realize where hatred can take you... and find out NOW if this is something that you can handle. Because for the sake of not only your own selves, but also for that of your spouses and children... you need to evaluate your heart now. And if you do decide that you can't handle this... guard your mind and your heart against what others may say. Because in the end...it is not THEIR life that is hanging in the balance... it's yours and your spouses and your children's.

I say all of this out of love and hope that somehow this will help... I know that stories like this are rarely shared... we would all rather focus on the inspirational life stories of hope... but we if don't temper one with the other... balance will never occur. I share this for sanity's sake and in the hope that this will reach out to someone and save them from making the same mistakes that my friend did... Get to know your heart now before you enter into this long term. As for myself... I knew my heart from the beginning. There was never any hate towards him... there was never any anger towards him... towards the whole situation that had taken place, yes there was anger... but never towards him. And that's where we differ... Know it now and spare a life of agony for everyone involved. Please forgive me... but for the sake of my lost friend... I felt that this had to be said...


Sheri

[allis53ca]

"The whole time I have been with him I have always sacrificed and he has always done what he wanted."

so, sounds like breaking his neck did'nt make him a selfish tool...seems he already was ?...but also begs the question, why did you stay and make 3 kids w/him BEFORE this ?....maybe you need to do what shoulda been done pre-injury, pack your shit and go take care of you and your kids...and next time choose a partner, not a penis.......

blunt, but not mean spirited........i've just really seen what seems like alot lately, of women with newly injured husbands/so's, who had no problem being with a selfish dick treating them like shit and making kids etc beefore...but now that that selfish dick is crippled, they can't take it ?

....it really takes away from those ladies/men that were in a mature healthy relationship before the eff of sci came crashing down on them, and come here looking for help dealing with sci in their relationship...not looking for dealing with a tool, that was already a tool, that they now have to wipe the ass of an ass.......

sorry, i just thoughts these boards were for help dealing with sci, not sympathy for poor life decisions pre sci that now have now come full circle...seen alot of these threads lately and they seem to want exit strategies, not entrance strategy

[Saneaj]

Wow! allis53ca! Bravo!

My hubby is in the background behind me cheering you on! My hubby would like for me to add something here.... 'If you're gonna go... then go. If you're gonna stay... then suck it up and act like a wife not some selfish schoolgirl who's sad that she can't go out and play. It takes a 'real' woman to do this and if all you are in your marriage for is to meet 'your' needs... then leave now so that the poor guy can get quality care some where else'. In my experience when people talk like you two do that what you are really looking for is for someone to pat you on your head and tell you it's okay to go. That leaving him is the GOOD thing to do because he was SO MEAN TO YOU for getting injured. While I agree with what my wife just wrote a post ago... I think that she wasn't too the point enough because she feared hurting your feelings. But since I'm the one with the sci... I can just come out and say it. You both sound so very selfish and you need to ask yourselves why you are really here in this forum. To ask for help or to spew your hate. There is a difference between venting and spewing... read the other posts here and your eyes will be enlighted.

~Saneaj's Husband

[SandieT]

Well said Saneaj's husband!!!!

[allis53ca]

EGG-EFFING-ZACTLY ! and btw, i speak from experience, not merely opinion...as a guy who was in a failing marriage (or at the least, very rocky) when i broke my neck, i was married to a strong intelligent woman who knew her limitations and sacrifices she was willing and not willing to make...and packed her shit and left me in the icu...as cold and selfish as it seemed to most, i'm glad she wasn't willing to sacrifice her kids , her future, or her career for me...its why i married her in the first place.........i'm thankful every day she left my survival up to me, she was UNSELFISH in her decision and because of it i survived and live on my terms...my only regret is that i can't tell her thankyou nd i'll always love her for it

Edited by allis53ca, 31 December 2009 - 12:45 AM.

[MDK]

Courtney, on Dec 27 2009, 03:05 PM, said:

first of all take a deep breath and a big step back......you are trying to do everything at once, I realize that his family is apparently worthless, but what about yours? Can they help out with the kids, (getting them where they need to be)....your husband will eventually be more independant than you realize (mine is a c6 and can do everything but the bowel program himself.....getting dressed, cathing, everything!) As for your children, I realize this is difficult on all of you, but they need to buck up and help out. I have a 5 and 7 year old, they do their own laundry, dust, clean their bathroom, vaccume, empty the dishwasher, etc.....if nothing else your husband can supervise. Make sure you look into SSDI and get him on disability until he makes a plan for his life and going forward with it. I am sorry to be so brash, but you and your family can do this.......that is if you are up to it.....and it takes the strength of Atlas because it is going to feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders......

did I mention my husband drives, takes the kids where they need to be and that he and I coached our daughters soccer team this past fall.....his was injured in June 2008 and is only a year and a half out....the first year is the hardest.....once you make it through that, I can't say that it's easy, but it's easier.......this is a long slow process of getting him independant...he's not an infant, he doesn't need someone hovering over him 24 hours a day, leave him with the kids and go get a drink with your girlfriends, even if it's only for an hour or two......you have to take care of yourself too.....

Courtney ,
Your family is very fortunate that your husband can do those things, but all cases are unique in the SCI and each person reacts and copes in an unique way as well.

Larry, Stef ,

If leaving your other half is what it takes for you to keep your sanity then do it! Is no shame in it as self preservation should prevail always.
Otherwise ask for help++++ and I , for one hope that you can receive it.
Lastly do keep posting here as being amongst people whom know exactly what you are talking about can be great help & resource.
Mioara

Edited by MDK, 31 December 2009 - 09:07 AM.

[snowqueeneh]

I just wanted to add a little something. Children do change a lot of the dynamic in this "leave him if you can't handle it" approach. I still have mixed emotions about my husband. I still don't know if we can handle it. We are just over a year post injury with two little boys. What I do know it that I have not lost everything for him. But my feelings have changed... my love has changed. I am in this as long as it takes. But... if the day comes that I am bitter and resentful and I cannot get over it, after counselling, time, communication etc... After I have tried everything to make this work. Then and only then will I say I have had enough.

Some people can leave early, some people wait because they are afraid of being judged, but some people really need time along with some real support and understanding to figure out if things will work. I do believe that if there are children involved and/or there is still love left then you owe it to eachother and your children to try everything you possibly can before giving up. Don't let SCI win without a fight! That's what I do everyday. Somedays I get scuffed up... other days I K.O. the SCI lol. But I am not even close to tired yet. I can go many more rounds... and I will. I still don't know if we will win this fight but I do know that I am doing the best that I can.

[stef]

I just want to say something about the fact the we dont come over here for marriage consoling but for support and hear about other people stories.
I never said my husband was a bad dad or spouse.
And I have to say; men can be really convinced and good liar sometime.
My husband is the perfect example of it.
Yes, I knew him before and I knew is personality but I really though we had a really good marriage and a good life togheter.
But one day I wake up from my dream and I saw the realty of a man the never changed and been selfish and a liar.
You right about one thing, I should left him the first time but i belive in second chance and this is not a second chance anymore.
Its about the 3th or 4th maybe more who knows at this point.
And guess what!!! The stupid bitch is still here try to pick up all the pisses of our lives!!!!
Thank you for open my eyes and hears and my mind.
I am starting to think different and realize the maybe I am getting short on chances!!!!
There is a point in life when you supposed to be a parent and a mature adult.
My husband is a good men and a good dad but it was to much for him be off of drugs for me and my daughter so he lied about it.
He tell me I can go everyday and I dont have to stay but the way he say that is so hateful the he make me feel like shit!!!
By the way, even I am mad ,I make sure he and my daughter are taking care of .
I will never leave him getting nasty in bed and making in die.
When I will be at the point you can be sure I will go away.
One more thing, you do many things because the love of your family and kids,
but to make a marriage works it take 2 people willing to do it.
No just a good wife!!
thank you
Definition of selfish: person who think only about himself and dont care about others;
26th of june my husband lied to me and didnt give a F.....k about our marriage or daughter and got F...k up on drugs.
Trying to have a good time thinking like many people selfish when they wanna do that.
Its not because he is in a wheelchair but the reason why!!
I can take care of him but do I wanna be a wife to him!!!???
Probable no anymore!

[Tetracyclone]

You are getting clearer.

[Saneaj]

Why didn't you tell us about him doing drugs... sometimes...not always.... but sometimes that will make a difference. We can't read your mind, Stef. And I'm learning that using forums can sometimes be very hard because people don't always tell everything. They keep some things back...hidden from others.... so how are people supposed to respond when we don't understand the WHOLE situation!?

And sorry that I opened up and shared my story with you. I WILL be remedying that here very shortly!

Edited by Saneaj, 02 January 2010 - 07:42 PM.

[allis53ca]

"Definition of selfish: person who think only about himself and dont care about others;
26th of june my husband lied to me and didnt give a F.....k about our marriage or daughter and got F...k up on drugs."

um, actually...thats the definition of a "bad husband, bad father".....i'm confused as to what woman would want that kind of man crippled or not ?...crippled doesn't change a person inside, just out

[gordonr]

Saneaj, on Jan 2 2010, 06:24 PM, said:

And sorry that I opened up and shared my story with you.

Sheri,

I for one have learned a lot from your openness.

Thankyou,

Gordon

[stef]

Sorry,
didnt mean to be rude with anybody and yes you are right i should say something more about my story.
Well I feel embarrassed about it because its everything against my lifestyle and my morals.
He been a good dad and husband to us but he did some things in the past the make me angry just thinking about it and Its my fault if we are where we are with our marriage i trusted him with alll my life and my heart and I guess I had HAM in my eyes.
Well thats all I wanted to say.
By the way I liked your story and you shouldnt feel sorry to speak your mind and share with us.
It may didnt help me but it could help someone else.

Love Stef

[Bnagore141]

My husband was injured 9 months ago. Oh yeah its been abig change in our lives. We have been married for 34 years. Beleive me its not easy. He is starting to do alot more for him self. Hopefully he will be driving in the next couple months. But there are times (like last night) that I feel that I can't do it anymore. But I won't give up.. I lost my 16 year old son almost 12 years ago, Nothing is worse then that, we survived that so I pray that we will survive this. It would really be nice to be appreiciated more though. I have one daughter that does everything and anything to help then I have another daughter (a nurse) who helps out almost none. She says he ruined HER life when he got in a accident and got paralyzed. I just keeep praying that God will give me the strenghth and help I need.

[larry0816]

I dont think that I am being mean. I am being honest. And by the way, we did go to his family for help, and their answer to us was that he is not a 24 care person. A few hours later we received an e-mail from my husbands mom telling him that since we dont agree on anything it is best that we all dont talk for a while and keep our distance. So yea, havent heard from his mother, step father, brother or sister!!!! It is one thing to have a husband with a spinal cord injury, but it is another when you throw three young children into the equation plus the fact that I have to work since the govt. thinks that you can go without your disability check for 6 months. Plus you get different asnswers from everyone that you talk to. According to the therapist up at RIC, I should not be his caregiver. I should be his WIFE!!

[Tetracyclone]

Bnagore141:
then I have another daughter (a nurse) who helps out almost none. She says he ruined HER life when he got in a accident and got paralyzed. I just keeep praying that God will give me the strenghth and help I need.
[/quote]

Daughter #2 is hilarious! Bet she's be a pain in the butt most of your life. You will find strength or you will find help. The Lord provides, but S/he likes to leave us dangling from the cliff's edge for 3 days first.

Edited by Pwuff, 03 January 2010 - 02:44 PM.

[Bnagore141]

Daughter 2 has always selfish.
So I just have to ask for Gods help. But it is so hard sometimes. I no the saying God won't give u more that u can't handle. He is really pushing it with me. I am almost at my breaking point. It has been one thing after another since the accident. Now I find out that my medical insurance is probably going to cancel me because with the policy u have to work 20 hours a week. Well he doesnt, he can't. We have had this same policy for over 25 years. So I don't know what to do? We have/had our own electrical business for 25 yrs. Just he and I. I have done some work but with things as they are what I do doesn't count because I am not a paid employee. Then collecting the $ with the economy is another story. What do any of u do when u don't have insurance? CATH THEMSELVES W/O INSUR ANE 300a month(Sorry about that typing) It may sound like I am feeling sorry for myself but I'm not just overwhelmed. Don't know what do do. Have about 200 grand in medical bills, which most of them just went to collections. STRESSED OUT. Any ideas

[Tetracyclone]

Talk to a social worker... from your hospital? Or a lawyer who know medicaid. You might have to take his name off your property deeds, or even get a divorce on paper, but you do what you have to do.
A friend in my Dad's nursing home had to do the deed thing, but they did not have to divorce, all so medicaid would pay for her dialysis.

Have you applied for disability? If there is a local SSI office those folks can be wonderful to talk to as well as a help in finding your way.

Also, count your work as his and see if it makes 20 hours.

Edited by Pwuff, 04 January 2010 - 03:31 PM.