17 replies to this topic

[TeresaLivingWithC-6]

This is a first for me...please bare with me. We've been married for 26 years. His injury occured in July 1999. We have not ever had pressure sores. Since 10/08 he developed MERSA on his arm. From there it was all downhill. He now has Addison's, Dibetic, Heart Failure (at times) and a host of things including emergancy surgery to stop bleeding of 3 ulcers from use of steroids.

My Point is he refused to be put into a inpatient wound care clinic to stop the breakdown of his skin before he developed so many. An entire year later he ended up with 6 major stage 4 pressure sores. He has been in the hospital since 10/6/09 long damn time. Now he is completely hooked on Dilaudid and completely denys it. How could he ride around in his electric wheelchair for 6 months and taking nothing more than vicidon need such strong medication.

I'm at the point it is affecting me emotionally where I want to disconnect totally from him because he doesn't and want face his additiction. I refuse and have given to much of my life to him to live with a drug addict. Right, wrong or indifferent I deserve as much of a normal life as he does. Let me here from others I want to know your thoughts.

[Tetracyclone]

It sounds like matters became overwhelming very quickly, and that you have not had time to adjust to your circumstances, Teresa. If you have lost respect for your husband this makes love very difficult. If you are looking for an excuse to "disown" the guy, drug addiction probably will not make sense to others: cite irreconcilable differences.

Your husband is ill and in decline. He might not last much longer. Can you live with the uncertainty and try to stand in as his family until the end? Here are some questions to ask yourself; am I angry at him because he has become mentally incompetent in my eyes, or did he always have this tendency and now I am forced to confront it?

where was I for a year as his sores worsened and neither one of us took decisive action? Did i let him intimidate me, or did I, too, deny their seriousness? Why do I blame only him?

It is common for people to undergo personality changes when they get very sick and lose all sense of control over their lives. Do you think this may have happened?

I hope you have time to ponder my questions and share your thoughts.

[gsp23]

I am with Pwuff on this. Even though things must have been ok 10 yrs ago post injury everyone deals with things at different times. I think everyone including AB go through the stress of not being able to do certain things and in your husbands case it may have just hit him hard that he really has a plethora of problems and on top of his SCI its just overwhelming to him now. Was he living in pain before? Maybe. I am not saying that you two dont share information but there are times where we want to be able to handle things so well that we dont tell our spouses about it because we can handle it. Pressure sores are a tough deal and can quickly lead to a host of other problems as well and for someone with mobility issues it isnt always a simple deal of checking yourself for sores. When I got my first (and luckily only) pressure sore, my boyfriend got on my case about how could I not have known about it sooner and the reality is that I dont daily check myself out with the mirror as we should. I heard a lot from him about how he couldnt believe that I would neglect myself like that and how I should be checking myself daily but you fall into patterns and you just dont. He didnt know about my sore immediately either and we share pretty much everything.

What I am trying to say here is the sore is something that can easily go undetected until its too late and with the host of other problems that can suddenly be there at that same time and how difficult it is for the sores to heal... well it can make any person feel helpless, add in the quadriplegia on top of that and its just amplified. If you still love him then be there for him and help him through this. Let him know you are there for him and that he is not helpless as he must feel. If you dont love him and there are other issues really going on here, dont use this as a cover and be up front an honest with him about what is really going on.

[wheeliebear75]

Food for thoght.......which came 1st the chicken or the egg?:


I think pwuff made some excellent points so since it wouldn't add anything I'll just 2nd what pwuff said. ;)

On the drug addiction aspect.......I am NOT in any way shape or form saying that he couldn't/doesn't have a drug problem........BUT (just asking).....is it also possible that his pain has just increased in the past few years? IF he has become addicted to whatever Rx than there would be other signs aside from just the amount needed to get rid of the pain or control it........you'd expect to a physical withdrawal, or some major personality changes that would go away just as soon as he got the meds in his system. For a number of years I only took Tylenol with Codine but then my nerve pain started getting WAY worse & then I had to go to more stronger pain meds.......then I found out that with a little pot I could get away with taking RX way less often & not have to "break out the big guns" so to speak.....so I no longer take things like Oxy or Percocet but do take Darvocet. And are his Dr.s also under the impression that he is abusing/addicted to his meds? I would be interested to know what their take on his meds is/are.

[TeresaLivingWithC-6]

Well PW do you really think I'm overwhelmed...really do you think so?? I've lost respect for him because he has chosen to lie and manipulate me. You are not going to give me a guilt trip by telling me he may die. I could die tomorrow. Give you a little history here. Mike had two boys 3 and 4 when I married him. In 3 short years he became a long distance truck driver and never looked back. I held a job and soon 2 more boys. Yes I'm very angry at him. It took a drunken accident for him to get off that truck and to help raise his and our boys. Too little to late.
I am not looking for an excuse for anything. I’m 46 years old and married for 26. Disown the guy…Give me a break. I’ve done this and dealt with everything thrown at me. Maybe you should see someone else’s side and quit making excuses for him and yourself. Think a little more along the lines of the caregiver. Oh don’t forget I had a 9 and 13 year old I still had to raise. Cover up all the ugliness for everyone and make believe we could go on as normal. I did that no one else did.
Here is your answer to your "Where was I" Doctors and myself begged him to get the right treatment. He refused until he almost died, I solely blame him he is a grown man and should want to get well for the both of us. Not only that, I'm the one that did his dressings of his sores during that year. I empty his pee bag, dress him, do the bowl treatments and bathing. I put his food on his plate cut his meats and bring it to him. Don’t come at me like this is my fault. I resent it. Oh one more important thing we don’t get government assistance of any kind. It has always just been me. Let’s don’t forget I work a full time job. There are no nurses no CNA visits. It is me and only me. I thank God my boys are old enough now and have lives of their own.
"Is it common" Pain Meds. Common sense here. Does that mean I have to alter my life to the point I can't have one. He enjoys the buzz he has and I should just put on a happy face. No not going to happen. He lies about what he takes because he knows I raise hell about it.

[Tetracyclone]

[quote name='TeresaLivingWithC-6' date='Jan 2 2010, 06:29 PM' post='144325']
Well PW do you really think I'm overwhelmed...really do you think so??

maybe furious is a better adverb

I've lost respect for him because he has chosen to lie and manipulate me. You are not going to give me a guilt trip by telling me he may die.

I didn't guilt trip you. That would have been to say you SHOULD stay. I asked you if you could. Why would I care which way you decide? If you asked I'd tell you that guilt is a motivation I find unacceptable.


I could die tomorrow. Give you a little history here. Mike had two boys 3 and 4 when I married him. In 3 short years he became a long distance truck driver and never looked back. I held a job and soon 2 more boys. Yes I'm very angry at him. It took a drunken accident for him to get off that truck and to help raise his and our boys. Too little to late.
I am not looking for an excuse for anything. I’m 46 years old and married for 26. Disown the guy…Give me a break. I’ve done this and dealt with everything thrown at me. Maybe you should see someone else’s side and quit making excuses for him and yourself. Think a little more along the lines of the caregiver. Oh don’t forget I had a 9 and 13 year old I still had to raise. Cover up all the ugliness for everyone and make believe we could go on as normal. I did that no one else did.

Unclear, other than the jab at me personally. I've been both caretaker and cared for. My effort was to think about you, because you are the one who posted. Are you saying you will or will not consider divorce? "Give me a break" doesn't give me a clue.

Here is your answer to your "Where was I" Doctors and myself begged him to get the right treatment. He refused until he almost died, I solely blame him he is a grown man and should want to get well for the both of us. Not only that, I'm the one that did his dressings of his sores during that year. I empty his pee bag, dress him, do the bowl treatments and bathing. I put his food on his plate cut his meats and bring it to him. Don’t come at me like this is my fault.

I never thought that. It was a possibility I considered because I didn't have the information you just gave. Sounds wretched.


I resent it. Oh one more important thing we don’t get government assistance of any kind. It has always just been me. Let’s don’t forget I work a full time job. There are no nurses no CNA visits. It is me and only me. I thank God my boys are old enough now and have lives of their own.

You are shooting at anything that moves Teresa. Just tell us your story, ok?

[allis53ca]

see ?...its not my imagination...newbies lately stormin in, guns ablazin, lookin for a fight first post...should i leave my p.o.s. ?......is this some effed up social experiment to see what our reactions will be ?....bizzarre

[greybeard]

allis53ca, on Jan 3 2010, 12:39 AM, said:

see ?...its not my imagination...newbies lately stormin in, guns ablazin, lookin for a fight first post...should i leave my p.o.s. ?......is this some effed up social experiment to see what our reactions will be ?....bizzarre

Sign of the times, it seems. I read the other day that the number of assaults on teachers has increased alarmingly. The age group of the offenders - THE UNDER FIVES !!!!!
"Respect" is a word that will soon become one that nobody understands.

[Apparelyzed]

Teresa,

In your post, you asked for members thoughts, but when you got them, you seem to vent your anger because of the opinions you asked for.

There is a problem here, in that your anger is being directed at the very people who are trying to help you, in replying to your requests.

Have you tried to contact a support group in your area, with whom you can talk to, to release some of this pent up pressure.

You really need to talk to someone, a real person, because the problem with building pressure, is something will eventually blow.

Regards

Simon.

[Scooby Gimp]

Apparelyzed, on Jan 3 2010, 05:33 AM, said:

Teresa,

In your post, you asked for members thoughts, but when you got them, you seem to vent your anger because of the opinions you asked for.

There is a problem here, in that your anger is being directed at the very people who are trying to help you, in replying to your requests.

Have you tried to contact a support group in your area, with whom you can talk to, to release some of this pent up pressure.

You really need to talk to someone, a real person, because the problem with building pressure, is something will eventually blow.

Regards

Simon.

[Scooby Gimp]

Maybe he'd be better off without you. Leave his ass if he was an bad husband before he caused his own paralysis. He asked for it or invited it with his behavior, right?. Partners split up after one has an SCI's all the time--or frequently. My first wife freaked on my needs and boogied so I wouldn't drag her down. Then I met a girl post injury who loved me with all my faults. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. You have to be a tough, committed, and willing to go through hell to live a high quality life with SCI--but it is possible.

You choose to have a family but maybe you would both be happier bowing out. We all die. I'm dying and so are you and you lazy quad husband. Do what you can live with and still live with yourself.

Tough love,

Scooby

PS. Age 50, Drug dependent, weed using and fully supported by my life mate for 20 years--and I'm 29 years post injury. I was lucky not to have been married when I had my accident at age 22. I'm lucky my partner can't compare the gimpy me to the AB me.

[gsp23]

Scooby Gimp, on Feb 19 2010, 07:54 PM, said:

Maybe he'd be better off without you. Leave his ass if he was an bad husband before he caused his own paralysis. He asked for it or invited it with his behavior, right?. Partners split up after one has an SCI's all the time--or frequently. My first wife freaked on my needs and boogied so I wouldn't drag her down. Then I met a girl post injury who loved me with all my faults. njury who loved me with all my faults. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. You have to be a tough, committed, and willing to go through hell to live a high quality life with SCI--but it is possible.

You choose to have a family but maybe you would both be happier bowing out. We all die. I'm dying and so are you and you lazy quad husband. Do what you can live with and still live with yourself.

Tough love,

Scooby

PS. Age 50, Drug dependent, weed using and fully supported by my life mate for 20 years--and I'm 29 years post injury. I was lucky not to have been married when I had my accident at age 22. I'm lucky my partner can't compare the gimpy me to the AB me.

Am I missing something? At the top of our post you said "My first wife freaked on my needs and boogied so I wouldn't drag her down. Then I met a girl post injury who loved me with all my faults." Then at the end of your post you say "I was lucky not to have been married when I had my accident at age 22." I imagine your first wife mentioned must have been pre-injury cause there wouldnt be reason for someone to freak on your needs if you were that way before getting married.

[Scooby Gimp]

Close. I hitched to my physical therapist four months after my injury, before the gremlins of pain descended on me. She boogied. I always suspected her blaming my new drug dependence was the polite way of saying I can't handle the SCI. Woman number two and I married four years post injury so she knew what she was getting My point is the same. Partners not accustomed to SCI and drug dependence often leave. any other questions? Sorry to trip you up.

Scooby

[Gary Is]

TeresaLivingWithC-6, on 01 January 2010 - 09:09 PM, said:

This is a first for me...please bare with me. We've been married for 26 years. His injury occured in July 1999. We have not ever had pressure sores. Since 10/08 he developed MERSA on his arm. From there it was all downhill. He now has Addison's, Dibetic, Heart Failure (at times) and a host of things including emergancy surgery to stop bleeding of 3 ulcers from use of steroids.

My Point is he refused to be put into a inpatient wound care clinic to stop the breakdown of his skin before he developed so many. An entire year later he ended up with 6 major stage 4 pressure sores. He has been in the hospital since 10/6/09 long damn time. Now he is completely hooked on Dilaudid and completely denys it. How could he ride around in his electric wheelchair for 6 months and taking nothing more than vicidon need such strong medication.

I'm at the point it is affecting me emotionally where I want to disconnect totally from him because he doesn't and want face his additiction. I refuse and have given to much of my life to him to live with a drug addict. Right, wrong or indifferent I deserve as much of a normal life as he does. Let me here from others I want to know your thoughts.

Teresa, I agree with this "Right, wrong or indifferent I deserve as much of a normal life as he does. Let me here from others I want to know your thoughts."

My thoughts; I carry a sort of anger towards SCI's who OVER use pain meds. PAIN is nasty mean and a pure total bitch to live with. But we have to remain strong! We must keep our power! I have been on a 50 mg Fentynal patch for 5 years and use Endocet as a break through, sometimes 2 in one day. I have been on 75mg Lyrica for a month, to early to tell if it works for what I am using it for BURNING PAIN. I have been a L-1 para for 30 years and am now 72! Can I say f*@k! here?

You say "My Point is he refused to be put into a inpatient wound care clinic to stop the breakdown of his skin before he developed so many. " WHY did he refuse you do not say.

You say "How could he ride around in his electric wheelchair for 6 months and taking nothing more than vicidon need such strong medication?"

Because as we age the PAIN gets worse. The first 10 years of my life on a wheelchair the pain was relatively minor, it was at about the 12 year point where I began Percodan, Percocet, Darvon etc. Then I started taking Ativan which gave more power to these meds. Several years later I went on neurontin for 4 years. Now the pain is off the wall.

You say "I'm at the point it is affecting me emotionally where I want to disconnect totally from him because he doesn't and want face his addiction."

The Dilaudid issues is where you have a good point. If he is indeed addicted and refuses help you have to leave him ASAP and he will eventually end up in some sort of rehab. Period. I have no sympathy for drug addicts who became that way because of having to control pain.

Good luck, you will need it. After 26 years of marriage it will be a hard road for you to set out upon. Seek consoling, get help from friends, think of the kids. Tell him that you are leaving unless he goes into a rehab. You have to be tough with addicts, I know this personally, I have had experience. Not me, I have never even got close to being an addict but lived with one and it is a little shop of horrors! Forget the posts that appear to put some sort of blame or fault on you, this is not fair.

Gary

[tyvin]

Does he have issues with pain? It's been my experience that people who don't understand pain management pull the "Drug Addict" card.

Hydromorhpone is really no different then Vicodin. In fact it's the opes without all the Tylenol in them that are better.

I have seen much pain caused by family members attacking the idea rather then trying to understand. In most instances it's their beliefs from a lifetime that tells them anyone taking any pain pills is a drug addict; and that is simply not true.

If you think he is so out of hand turn in his doctor for supplying an addict (that's against the law). When in fact I will venture to say his doctor keeps very good records and accounts for the Rx's.

Sounds like you need a marriage counselor not a rehab to lock him away in.

[Lucky]

Thing is, if he's in pain, he needs some type of med.
Ufortunatly, most goo all round pain-killers are opiate based and ANYONE taking these for a while will get deppendant on them.

You (or he) needs to ask ones-self.... do I try and deal with the pain and try alternative meds maybe? Accupuncture etc.

Or take the meds and spend part of ones life "addicted"? If the addiction is bd. i.e In denial, ratty with-out drugs, change of personality..... you both need to sit yer buts down and have a proper chin-wag bout the situation if one of thee ain't happy! Maybe with a Dr?

Try see it from both sides.....both of thow!

Check.

[sh1wn]

News-pills suck but fighting about pills sucks more, first you have to fight the doctor for them, then you have to fight to get someone to give them to you and then your a junkie because you want some pain to go away. I wish people would learn that addiction is different from dependance. I just wonder who you think you are to be able to determine how much pain control he needs? I say leave him, he will be better with out you.
Shawn

[cprahl]

TeresaLivingWithC-6, on 01 January 2010 - 09:09 PM, said:

This is a first for me...please bare with me. We've been married for 26 years. His injury occured in July 1999. We have not ever had pressure sores. Since 10/08 he developed MERSA on his arm. From there it was all downhill. He now has Addison's, Dibetic, Heart Failure (at times) and a host of things including emergancy surgery to stop bleeding of 3 ulcers from use of steroids.

My Point is he refused to be put into a inpatient wound care clinic to stop the breakdown of his skin before he developed so many. An entire year later he ended up with 6 major stage 4 pressure sores. He has been in the hospital since 10/6/09 long damn time. Now he is completely hooked on Dilaudid and completely denys it. How could he ride around in his electric wheelchair for 6 months and taking nothing more than vicidon need such strong medication.

I'm at the point it is affecting me emotionally where I want to disconnect totally from him because he doesn't and want face his additiction. I refuse and have given to much of my life to him to live with a drug addict. Right, wrong or indifferent I deserve as much of a normal life as he does. Let me here from others I want to know your thoughts.

Teresa,
I agree with you, I'm a T-6 Para and have had extreme pain issues myself but I worry when someone is taking that much heavy pain Meds and doesn't want to admit it. The meds make him feel like everything is ok. They mask the whats really going on which looks like alot. I can see why he fell into this , it's a place to hide from his worries.