Help
I just want to make sure that i'm not accidently being a dipsh*t. LOL
Page 1 of 1
What Do You Really Not Want To Hear.
when people mean well, but just don't get it
Rate Topic:
#1
- Newbie
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 21
- Joined: 03-January 10
- Gender:Female
- Country:NC in USA
- Spinal Injury Level / Relationship:friend to new paraplegic
Posted 12 January 2010 - 10:47 PM
Ok, so us friends and family and those who love someone dealing with para or quad issues--we mean well. we want to say something that will help. esp at times when the other person really does want or need to talk, BUT...what do poeple say, that althought they mean well, just doesn't help or actually has a negative effect?
I just want to make sure that i'm not accidently being a dipsh*t. LOL
I just want to make sure that i'm not accidently being a dipsh*t. LOL
#2
- Newbie
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 72
- Joined: 12-December 09
- Gender:Female
- Country:Tennessee
- Spinal Injury Level / Relationship:C5/wife
Posted 13 January 2010 - 12:51 AM
Here's some things that really bother my hubby... it's not so much words but also actions...
1. When someone assumes that he can manuvre his powerchair by himself and tries to push it... That's always down right hysterical!
2. When someone speaks over him to me... asking me what he would like... for instance, in a family reunion with my hubby at my side... and someone asks me right in front of him what he would like to drink, eat, etc...
He has a brain of his own and a mouth to go with it... so I just act as if I'm deaf. I know its rude, but he is an actual person.
3. When people assume that they know more about what his wheelchair can traverse over his tried and true knowledge.
4. When people assume that they understand what he is going thru and tell him that everything will be alright... because that is like a slap in the face, they don't know because they're not in a chair...
5. When people give him that horrible look of pity... like poor thing, being stuck in that chair... absolutely hate that
6. PITY
7. When people assume that he is brain dead or retarded because of how his body has changed due to the paralysis
8. When people assume that he can't think independantly for himself and try to make decisions for him
9. When people gasp when we expose our dark sense of humor... like when I tell him 'quit acting like a quad and get the job done' It's our lives and we deal with things with dark humor...
10. When people try to tell him about their own disabilites that are so insignificant that it's laughable. Like they are trying to relate to him... you can't relate to him unless your another SCI
For us caregivers it's things like...
1. I understand how tired you are... I had a baby and know what sleepless nights are... B***S*** you do.
2. I have children so I can relate to someone always depending on you.... no you cannot!
3. I have helped with my parents when they were elderly, so I can totally relate to what you are going through.... once again... no you cannot
4. Basically anyone trying to say that they can relate or empathize with us and what we are going through. That is VERY annoying.
5. When people who think that they have a little bit of medical knowledge try to give advice.
6. When people who think that they have a little bit of medical knowledge try to tell you that you are doing it all wrong.... that's always fun...
7. When people who think that they have a little bit of medical knowledge try to explain to others what your situation is and what you are going through and totally screw it all up and get it completely wrong.
Just because someone may work in the medical field does not make them an expert on SCI or SCI caregiver issues. SCI is a whole other realm to itself.
I usually have a bunch more but am very tired right now....but this will help give some insight.
1. When someone assumes that he can manuvre his powerchair by himself and tries to push it... That's always down right hysterical!
2. When someone speaks over him to me... asking me what he would like... for instance, in a family reunion with my hubby at my side... and someone asks me right in front of him what he would like to drink, eat, etc...
He has a brain of his own and a mouth to go with it... so I just act as if I'm deaf. I know its rude, but he is an actual person.
3. When people assume that they know more about what his wheelchair can traverse over his tried and true knowledge.
4. When people assume that they understand what he is going thru and tell him that everything will be alright... because that is like a slap in the face, they don't know because they're not in a chair...
5. When people give him that horrible look of pity... like poor thing, being stuck in that chair... absolutely hate that
6. PITY
7. When people assume that he is brain dead or retarded because of how his body has changed due to the paralysis
8. When people assume that he can't think independantly for himself and try to make decisions for him
9. When people gasp when we expose our dark sense of humor... like when I tell him 'quit acting like a quad and get the job done' It's our lives and we deal with things with dark humor...
10. When people try to tell him about their own disabilites that are so insignificant that it's laughable. Like they are trying to relate to him... you can't relate to him unless your another SCI
For us caregivers it's things like...
1. I understand how tired you are... I had a baby and know what sleepless nights are... B***S*** you do.
2. I have children so I can relate to someone always depending on you.... no you cannot!
3. I have helped with my parents when they were elderly, so I can totally relate to what you are going through.... once again... no you cannot
4. Basically anyone trying to say that they can relate or empathize with us and what we are going through. That is VERY annoying.
5. When people who think that they have a little bit of medical knowledge try to give advice.
6. When people who think that they have a little bit of medical knowledge try to tell you that you are doing it all wrong.... that's always fun...
7. When people who think that they have a little bit of medical knowledge try to explain to others what your situation is and what you are going through and totally screw it all up and get it completely wrong.
Just because someone may work in the medical field does not make them an expert on SCI or SCI caregiver issues. SCI is a whole other realm to itself.
I usually have a bunch more but am very tired right now....but this will help give some insight.
The wind blows...
Some are able to feel it...
Some are able to experience it...
But for some, they are only able to dream of it.
Some are able to feel it...
Some are able to experience it...
But for some, they are only able to dream of it.
#3
- Newbie
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 21
- Joined: 03-January 10
- Gender:Female
- Country:NC in USA
- Spinal Injury Level / Relationship:friend to new paraplegic
Posted 13 January 2010 - 10:59 PM
wow, thanks! I guess if i do do anything right, it's just that i don't treat him any different. he says that he appreicates that about me.
People actually give me a hard time sometimes about not giving up on him. They say he's just grabbing for attention and doesn't want to get any better and get on with his life. I want to smack them because these are usually people who haven't spent more than 2 minutes talking to him and don't know the whole story and can't imagine what it might be like to be in his place or at least respect that people go through the stages of "moving on' at different paces and I hate it when they make me feel like a schmuck for sticking around.
I know this guy well enough to call him out on a pity party when that's all it is and to recognize real struggle and need for something...yeah, even just some attention, or to talk ot cry or just have a good conversation about beer and wine and movies and "normal" stuff. not pills and medicine and therapy all the time.
he says he hates it when doc and nurses come in the room and ask how his legs are feeling. It's crazy the amount of time that medical folk will ask him some insane question.
People actually give me a hard time sometimes about not giving up on him. They say he's just grabbing for attention and doesn't want to get any better and get on with his life. I want to smack them because these are usually people who haven't spent more than 2 minutes talking to him and don't know the whole story and can't imagine what it might be like to be in his place or at least respect that people go through the stages of "moving on' at different paces and I hate it when they make me feel like a schmuck for sticking around.
I know this guy well enough to call him out on a pity party when that's all it is and to recognize real struggle and need for something...yeah, even just some attention, or to talk ot cry or just have a good conversation about beer and wine and movies and "normal" stuff. not pills and medicine and therapy all the time.
he says he hates it when doc and nurses come in the room and ask how his legs are feeling. It's crazy the amount of time that medical folk will ask him some insane question.
#4
- Newbie
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 95
- Joined: 22-December 09
- Gender:Female
- Country:Wales
- Spinal Injury Level / Relationship:T5complete son/Mum
Posted 13 January 2010 - 11:42 PM
Quote
wow, thanks! I guess if i do do anything right, it's just that i don't treat him any different. he says that he appreicates that about me.
Quote
He has a brain of his own and a mouth to go with it...
Yup you got it!!
When my son had his accident I actually told someone his legs might not work but there's nothing wrong with his brain or his gob!
One of the reasons my son enjoys spending time with his really good friends is because they don't treat him any differently, he's just one of the boys, which is what he is.
This post has been edited by SandieT: 13 January 2010 - 11:45 PM
Share this topic:
Page 1 of 1